


The Issue With Best Friends

by cococaramel



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Sports, Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Friendships, Enemies to Friends, Jackson is a Fencer, Mild Swearing, Overuse of Metaphors, Sports Competitions, dance teams, everyone is the same age except mark, jackson centric POV, mark is a gymnast, mentions of anxiety and insecurities, mentions of food and athlete diets, someone give jackson a hug volume 2, technically slow burn ?, the word count got out of control again please don't kill me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:42:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 108,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26362084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cococaramel/pseuds/cococaramel
Summary: Jackson was starting a new chapter, in a new country, leaving behind all the disastrous attempts at building any meaningful friendship.It was his chance to focus on his career, his goals, his competitions, to be his own best friend and never get hurt again.He didn’t think he would meet anyone who would challenge that resolution. And he didn’t think that old, painful ghosts would reappear, a thousand kilometres away from where he had buried them.
Relationships: Park Jinyoung/Jackson Wang
Comments: 108
Kudos: 141





	1. Intro

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING : Anxiety and insecurities will be discussed in this story, although not mentioned by name.

**_(Intro)_ **

_Be your own best friend._

Jackson heard that advice countless times. It was his mom, who told him every time, wiping his tears when he came home from school in the afternoon. _Be your own best friend, love, you’re the only one who will never let you down_.

Before he finally started listening to her, he made the same mistakes over and over again.

The first time was in elementary school. He couldn’t remember the face of his friend, but he remembered everything else with the clarity and precision of a surgical incision.

He remembered the context. His family had just moved from Hong Kong to Beijing and it was his first year in a new school. He was six years old, had barely learned Cantonese and some English and now had to quickly master the basics in Mandarin too since this wasn’t an international school. His father had just gotten an important deal with a team in the city, and the future was looking bright for his parents.

He remembered the school. It was quite small, with a red banner falling down from the wall next to entrance gate, with the name of the school painted in washed out golden characters. The yard wasn’t very big, but it had a tree where some small, sweet fruits grew, that the kids would pick up when they fell. To this day, Jackson couldn’t tell what the hell that fruit was since he never saw one again in a food aisle, and he had a lot of questions for the teachers who let the kids eat them from the ground —sometimes up to ten or twelve in one recess— without batting an eye.

He remembered the class. Not the names and faces of everyone, but he remembered their eyes very clearly. They were kids who had grown up together already, who had spent most of kindergarten together, who lived in the same areas, whose parents were friends, Jackson was a stranger and their eyes always reminded him. Those eyes would follow him in life, without remembering where he had seen them first for a long time, he would see that same look on countless faces, in countless places. A look that he couldn’t describe in clear words, but that felt like a cold wind washing over him.

And he remembered the boy. His name was Eugene, that was why he recalled it so clearly, because it somehow sounded even more out of place than Jackson felt that first day and all the ones that followed after he stepped foot into the school. Maybe that’s what drew him to Eugene, the hope that maybe they were one and the same.

Eugene’s father worked in some high rank of the local administration, Jackson was too young to really pay attention at the time, he only remembered the car that he saw his friend hop in and out of every week, that had the district’s name and code on the rear window. He also remembered how the kids’ parents always said they should mention some things to _Mister Liu_ , and it took Jackson about six months to realise they meant Eugene’s father.

Eugene had a sister, he remembered that too. She was in their class, and she was nice. Jackson hadn’t really paid any mind to the times she had sat down next to him when he was alone at recess because her brother had different plans, until years later, when their paths would cross again.

The story of how Jackson came to have his first best friend was a hazy one in his memory, the images weren’t always focused but the tidal wave of feelings that came with them was as sharp as the moon in the sky in the countryside.

Jackson wished countless times that he could forget his first day in that school. The teacher spoke so fast, and Jackson could barely understand a word, to the point that when she specifically directed a question at him, he just blinked. She hadn’t been looking at him until the last word of her sentence, as if her gaze was the question mark. Everyone had laughed, snickered in their sleeves, and if Jackson hadn’t known what the question meant, he had perfectly understood what the eyes of the laughing kids darted towards him signified. His face had turned a bright red, his ears had started burning to the point that his hands shot up to cover them.

That’s when he had felt a hand tugging at the back of his jacket. He didn’t remember Eugene’s face, but he remembered thinking that the voice that spoke to him in that moment sounded so calm, so kind, perhaps in contrast to the way the laughs screeched in his mind.

"Where are you from ?" he heard that calm voice say

That question, that in the future would bring him a myriad of painful and proud experiences, had sounded like a lifeline at that very moment. Without making sure that it was indeed the translation of what the teacher had asked, he launched in his self-introduction that he diligently learned with his mom to prepare for his first day.

"My name is Jackson, I’m six years old and I come from Hong Kong. When I grow up, I want to be an athlete just like my Dad. I’m happy to be here and I hope I will meet many new friends !"

Someone laughed in the middle, and if child-Jackson hadn’t really understood why, slightly-older-child-Jackson would realise he had mispronounced a few of the words in his speech, even though he had carefully learned it and his mom had given him a high five when he had recited it right before getting out of the car just half an hour before.

At the end of his speech, the teacher said something that, once again, was too fast. Jackson’s ears flamed red one more time, and he dropped his head. As soon as he would be out of the school, he would have to ask his mom to help him learn faster.

That first day, at recess, Jackson sat alone. He watched the other kids play, run around and chase each other (and yes, eat those weird fruits they had picked up from the ground). The teacher had gestured at him to go towards them. He had tried, but the kids ran when he approached them, so he walked back to his initial spot and dropped his head for the rest of the break time, holding back his tears.

The question he hadn’t dared ask when the class got back inside, or when the teacher handed him a paper to have his parents sign for the next day, or to his mom when she came to pick him up all giddy and excited to hear about his first day, was _what have I done wrong_?

He had been taught to run away from the things that were scary, or dangerous. Was he scary ? Was something wrong with him ?

It took about a month before someone let him spend recess with them. During that time, Jackson got very familiar with his spot, next to entrance door to the building, right under the vaguely transparent plastic roof that served as their shelter on rainy days. For the whole month, his parents would ask about new friends he made, and his response would always be the same. He would stare at his plate, playing around with whatever they were having for dinner, and after a while, he would shake his head. He never dared look up. He didn’t want to see his parents’ eyes at that moment.

What would he have seen ?

He trusted his parents enough to believe it wouldn’t have been disappointment. But the idea that he would have seen the pain and sadness that it caused them to see him like that was perhaps far worse. There was nothing that broke his heart more than thinking he could hurt his parents.

So he would change the topic, and ask if they could watch a cartoon after dinner. His parents always smiled and said of course. They would watch cartoons until Jackson’s bedtime, and Jackson would slowly build up his vocabulary and his understanding of phrases in Mandarin he’d able to reuse in class the following days. In that month, the recesses he spent alone with his mind became opportunities to revise. He would make up speeches in his mind, very simple at first, or try to quote a scene from the cartoon, or act up a scenario in his mind where he would be asked specific questions by the teacher. Slowly but surely, it became harder to catch him by surprise.

Until one day, he heard that voice again.

That calm, kind voice.

"Do you want to make gravel pies ?"

Jackson looked up from the patch of dirt where he was drawing with a stick, muttering the expressions he wanted to memorise between his teeth. The only thing Jackson distinctly remembered about Eugene was that he was smaller than him. And that he walked slowly, letting his eyes wander around to look at the trees, at the insects… His eyes seemed kind, or so Jackson had thought at the beginning, if only because they didn’t bear any of the sharpness and malice that he perceived in the eyes of the other kids.

That day, Eugene was alone. Jackson remembered being surprised, because there was always another boy with him, but he hadn’t seen him around. Maybe they weren’t friends anymore ?

There was a sand pit in the middle of the yard. Or rather, a future sand pit, at that time it looked more like a small slide drifting on a pool of gravel. The kids’ favourite game was picking up the gravel in makeshift sieves, and shaking it until they had a pile of soft greyish dust in their hands so they could go around pretending to sell sand. That day, Jackson found out that Eugene didn’t like that game very much, what he preferred was picking up the gravel in piles to make pies. The concept was a bit obscure for Jackson, who questioned how he would manage to cut slices without making the whole pile fall apart. Later in life, he would tell himself that kid games were a bit like dreams, they don’t have to make perfect sense to mean something.

But the feeling that hit Jackson when he looked up and saw a friendly face hovering over him… that moment his breath got trapped in his throat, the stalling of time for a moment, that first thought _is it a prank, is he going to laugh_ ? His shy nod, and Eugene’s ‘’come on then !’’, the second of hesitation before getting back on his feet and dusting his pants to follow Eugene to the sand pit. His eyes never leaving the other kids playing, as if scanning for possible danger.

That day, he also met Eugene’s sister. She joined them while they were piling up the gravel, and complained that the pies were stupid until Eugene told her to get lost —which she didn’t do, she stayed right behind Jackson and huffed from time to time.

They didn’t talk, Eugene was focused on his pies and Jackson just followed silently. He didn’t remember exactly what he had thought of saying, but that whole recess had been spent with a storm of questions going through his brain, in a confused mix of languages, until the teachers had called the kids back to class before he had a chance to utter a word.

Eugene had smiled at him, and left him and the pies. That was their only interaction that day, but it was enough for Jackson to jump up and down when he came home that afternoon, telling his parents ‘’I think I made a friend !’’. They had cheered so much for him, that his heart felt so warm. That night, they watched a movie, and no one mentioned anything when it ended past Jackson’s usual bedtime.

But just as he would one day learn that fairytales were really just vague tragedies with questionable morals, and that life had more in common with an opera or ballet than the movies he watched with his family, he would soon realise that his friendship with Eugene was doomed from the start, and that he had blissfully ignored all the foreshadowing signs screaming at his face.

Because there was another character to that story.

Chang Liwei, the boy Jackson had always seen with Eugene. Turns out, that day he had just been sick with gastroenteritis and that the two boys were still very much friends.

Now Liwei, Jackson remembered very clearly. He wore clothes that were too big for him, that his parents had recycled from his older brother. He was loud, but not the same loud that Jackson had been back in his previous school, the kind of loud that would climb the K2 if it only meant that their voices would always overpower everyone else’s. He was known as the only kid who still couldn’t count up to twenty without stalling for a minute half way through, and every time someone pointed that out to make fun of him, his face would turn bright red, he would yell and kick the offender in the shin very hard. He was by far the kid in the class that had been deprived of recess time the most as punishment for causing trouble or hitting his classmates. Even as an adult, Jackson sometimes saw his face again, popping up in his brain at random times.

The next day, at recess, Eugene had gestured at Jackson to follow him again to the sand pit. Liwei was already there, sifting some gravel with a plastic beach toy. His head had shot up when he heard the footsteps approaching. His eyes had landed on Jackson and narrowed.

"Why is he here ?"

His voice had not been calm. Not kind either. It was loud, it echoed through Jackson’s skull like a jackhammer.

"He’s good at making pies." had been Eugene’s response

From that day, Jackson had always been invited to spend recess with them in their angle of the sand pit. Jackson and Eugene had found out they liked to watch the same cartoons, so, one day, they had switched from making pies to reenacting the scenes of their favourite series all around the yard.

That day, Jackson couldn’t have known it would change the course of his life.

It’s always the small details, the insignificant decisions, the accidental right-place-right-time or wrong-place-wrong-time that prove to be more fateful than the menacing storms we can see coming from a distance.

He should have known Liwei would turn out to be the very first piece in a great, foggy puzzle with mechanics designed to only be understood after a lifetime of _whys_ and _hows_.

After all, all the hints had been carefully laid out for him : the way Liwei would run in front of him to be the one to cross the class door with Eugene and not Jackson, the way he would put his arm around Eugene’s shoulders to lead him away before Jackson could say goodbye at the end of the day, the glares he would send him when they crossed paths in the halls or in the bathroom, that time he had unsuccessfully tried to trip Jackson while they were running laps for PE class…

Actually… there was one more hint, the biggest of all, that Jackson should have seen earlier, one that was there since the beginning.

But that realisation would come later.

Much later.

The day Jackson had accidentally quoted his favourite cartoon in response to a joke Eugene had made about the unidentified fruit (the kids called them the sugar fruit), his friend’s face had lit up like a street when the clock hits its programmed time. Somehow, that split second had filled Jackson with so much glee that his smile had stretched all the way up to his ears. Eugene had grabbed his arm and launched in an animated rant about the latest episode, speaking so fast that Jackson couldn’t perfectly make sense of what he was saying —also because his thoughts were clouded by the rush of excitement to his brain.

As if a watchful guardian angel had nudged him, he had turned his head and his eyes had landed on Liwei. The boy’s face had dropped in confusion, looking at Eugene almost jumping up and down cursing the villain from a story he had seemingly never heard of. And then his gaze crossed Jackson’s.

The confusion washed away.

His brows furrowed, and his gaze turned dark.

There was a threat in there somewhere, one Jackson had been too taken aback to read carefully.

Now he knew what it said.

 _Don’t you dare steal him from me_.

Jackson didn’t mention it that evening, when he told his parents Eugene liked the same cartoons he did. Come to think about it… he had never mentioned Liwei to them until everything crumbled down. If he had… would they have known ? Would they have told him to watch out, would they have saved him before he stepped foot in the lion’s den ?

There was no way to know now.

Jackson didn’t remember exactly when he had started referring to Eugene as his best friend, in his mind at least. Was it that day when they discovered they had something more in common than sharing a class and a gravel pie ? Was it when they saved an imaginary planet from imminent destruction during every lunch break for a whole week, just the two of them, until the world around them and everyone else disappeared ? Was it when Eugene had shared his snacks with him when people mocked him for not having brought any at the class’ spring picnic at the park ? Or was it the day he had patted his back and told him not to cry, on the bathroom floor, after their classmates had made fun of his accent on their poetry recital day ?

He wasn’t sure…

But his parents looked so happy to see him run to them with the biggest grin on his face, eager to tell them about his adventures of the day. They would tell him to invite Eugene to the house on weekends to watch cartoons together, and mentioned how much they’d like to meet Eugene’s parents.

But Eugene was never available on weekends and his parents never left the car when they came to pick him up from school.

Jackson didn’t pay it too much mind, however, he had a bigger fish to fry. Liwei was still there, always tagging along when Eugene and Jackson were playing, if only just to call their games silly and the cartoons bad. Unfortunately, that was not the only thing he did.

A mean nickname for him started circulating around the class, one Jackson hadn’t immediately understood. The kids told him it was some sort of slang to describe someone who is a _cute little brother._ Jackson had asked, because the word sounded a lot like another one, that adults had told him not to say. Then, after a week of feeling a strange ache in his heart every time he heard the name, he decided to ask his parents. His father’s face had blanched. The next day, he had stormed into the school, holding him close, and demanded to speak to the teacher. Jackson was told to go play a bit, but he didn’t walk off too far. He didn’t hear what his father was yelling, but he knew he had never seen him with eyes like that before.

After a few minutes, his father had left, giving him a kiss on the forehead, and the teacher had called everyone to class.

"Who started it ?" she asked after slamming the door shut with a loud bang

Jackson’s classmates had fallen silent. Some looked lost, the others had their eyes to the ceiling, to the window, to the wall, to the linoleum floor. The answer didn’t come.

The teacher went to her desk, and was about to grab her chalk, when a small voice rose from the back of the room.

"It was Liwei."

In a synchronised motion, all the kids’ heads, including Jackson’s had turned to the tiny girl in pig tails that occupied the desk at the far left corner. Eugene’s sister. Her eyes, though, were on Jackson, that he remembered very well.

"I heard him say it when he was at our house last Saturday." she added

The teacher’s eyes had filled with fury. She told Liwei to get up and walk to face the wall. She told all the kids to take out their notebooks, that all of them were going to write down lines and that no one would be allowed recess time.

"Except you Jackson." she clarified after she saw him grab a pen too. "You can read a book."

Now, Jackson wasn’t exactly too sure about what had just happened, but he knew that theproverbial daggers thrown at him through Liwei’s eyes couldn’t have been auspicious.

"He’s just stupid, don’t mind him." Eugene had said at lunch time, before gesturing at the boy in question to join them

Jackson didn’t hear the nickname again. A string of various rumours about him, that, he did hear though. That he had cheated on a test, that his father had been involved in a doping scandal, that he had stolen some girl’s water bottle, that his coat was counterfeit, and even that he had lied about his age and should still be in the class below.

Soon enough, it became clear that all of them originated from the same burning pit, still only rumbling and not yet erupting. Liwei’s imagination.

Some days, Eugene would even apologise and tell him they couldn’t play together this time, otherwise Liwei would throw a tantrum.

"But it’s just this recess. We’ll spend lunch time together like always."

Jackson always nodded and said it was okay. Eugene was his best friend, after all, why would he not trust him ?

Those were some of the days Eugene’s sister would sit next to him and not say anything, making garlands with the flowers at her feet.

Was Jackson angry at Liwei, was he jealous ?

No…?

He just couldn’t understand why Eugene always brought him along for everything. Why did he even enjoy his company ? After all, even if they grew up together, he had Jackson now.

Well. Jackson hadn’t been good at picking up on hints so far, had he ?

As if moved by the greatest irony, the kind that wheels through the most intricate tragedies, the secure castle that Jackson had built up after a game, pushed only by the spark in someone’s eyes, crumbled down to pieces during another game.

One morning, towards the end of the school year, the teacher announced that they would be doing an art project around the theme of friendship. For that, they would have to pick their best friend and make a drawing that best represented them. The drawings would be hung on the walls to show the parents on the last day of school.

The first step was for everyone to choose their best friend, the teacher would call them out one by one in name order and mark down who everyone had chosen.

Jackson’s eyes had found Eugene right away. His friend had given him a warm smile.

No surprise, Liwei who was one of the first on the list chose Eugene.

Jackson was among the last, so he had a bit of time to start thinking about what his drawing could be.

It would have to feature their favourite games, that seemed quite obvious. He could maybe depict them as the characters they always played during recess, with colourful costumes like in the cartoons, and bubbles with their lines. Or would that be too expected ? Maybe it could be just a portrait of the things Eugene liked ? So the cartoon, the gravel pies of course, and then what else could there be ? He had to have a favourite colour or food too, he might have to ask about—

"Liu Eugene ?"

The teacher’s voice tore Jackson out of his thoughts. He looked up at his friends, sitting a few desks away. He had a confident smile on his face, the same one he bore when he played captain during their recess adventures.

"Liwei."

Jackson’s mouth fell open.

Eugene and Liwei shared a look from across the room, their eyes not even landing on Jackson. Like he had never been taken into consideration. Like they flew right past him.

But…

What did it mean ?

What could he say now ? Would they laugh at him if he named Eugene too ?

"Mine’s Jackson." Eugene’s sister announced before her name was even called out

Hearing his name, Jackson almost jumped. He turned around. Her face was still, composed. It was impossible to read it, to guess what she was thinking at that moment. Jackson would not linger on it long, he would even forget about it for many years.

But he gave her a nod.

As the names kept being called, getting dangerously close to his, Jackson’s head was spinning and pounding.

He couldn’t make sense of it.

He was the one who Eugene made gravel pies with.

He was the one he went on adventures with.

Liwei was always on the sidelines.

So why was Jackson now the one getting second place ? What had he not done right ? What was missing ? Was it because he still mispronounced some words or used the wrong ones sometimes when they were playing ?

"And finally… Jackson ?"

Jackson couldn’t remember what he said. He was pretty sure he named Eugene’s sister too, to save himself the mockeries if people heard that he was not his best friend’s best friend. But his head was so numb that the memory was foggy.

His brain switched to autopilot for the rest of the day. Did they start working on the art project right away ? Did they move on to math exercises ? He couldn’t tell you. He vaguely remembered sitting next to Eugene at lunch, and playing with him at recess like every day, but something about the memory felt strange. It was as if Jackson was absent from them, as if he was watching them through a body that wasn’t his, or as a ghost wandering through an elementary school yard.

He held it in.

And when he hopped into the car, and closed the door, the slam right next to his ear snapped him out of his daze.

He burst into tears.

"Jack ?" his mother panicked."Jack, baby, what happened ?"

She unbuckled her seatbelt, turned off the engine and walked out of the car to open the back door and kneel next to him.

"What happened ?" she repeated, softly, taking his face into her hands to wipe his tears delicately. "Do you want to tell me ?"

Jackson shook his head and dropped his head on her shoulders. He didn’t remember how long it lasted in the end, but she let him cry until his eyes dried out, holding him closely and rocking him back and forth.

"Want to swing by the ice cream shop ?" she asked with a smile, when he finally stopped crying

Jackson nodded.

After buying the ice cream —Jackson distinctly remembered the colour, the taste of the dessert in his cup, as if is brain had decided that _that_ was the most important detail of the whole story— they walked a bit and sat in the grass of a park. Jackson had been surprised because his mom was wearing white pants and she always scolded him for sitting in the grass when he was wearing white.

"Was someone mean to you ?" she broke the silence while Jackson was aggressively cutting the ice cream with his blue plastic spoon

Jackson froze.

He looked up at his mom. Her lips were tight, her eyes had that same look they used to have when he came back home and told them he still hadn’t made any friends, that look that made his heart hurt.

Had someone been mean to him ? Had Eugene been mean to him ? Was he being childish ? That was probably it… If he told his mom, she would be disappointed that he made her buy ice cream for something that silly. Right ?

"I still don’t understand why Eugene doesn’t defend you when these kids make fun of you, isn’t he supposed to be your best friend ? That’s not how best friends behave."

Oh, so that was why.

If Jackson had known that, he would have guessed it before it was too late.

He _had_ wondered about it, why Eugene always said the mockeries and insults were nothing to dwell on and that he should just ignore it, but never did anything while they were being thrown at him. He hadn’t earned it, that was the reason. That was Liwei’s privilege, as his best friend.

"He’s not my best friend…" Jackson mumbled into his ice cream, lowering his head so his mom wouldn’t see the tears coming back

"What ? Since when ?"

Jackson didn’t answer. Maybe the reason why he remembered the ice cream so well was because he had focused on it so much to try to refrain himself from crying.

"Jack… Did he make you cry ?"

Again, he didn’t answer. A single teardrop fell in his cup, melting the ice around it.

He felt his mother’s hand in his hair, gently stroking the back of his head.

"What did he say ?"

Jackson swallowed a mouthful of ice cream. He didn’t want her to be angry, like his dad had been when he came to school. But he could also feel how worried she was, and he couldn’t just tell her it was nothing, she was his mom, she always knew when he lied.

"He said I’m not his best friend."

He looked up, feeling his mom’s hand stop. She was looking at him with wide eyes.

"Really ?" she said, blinking quickly. "But I thought…"

Jackson shook his head.

"Liwei is his best friend."

"Liwei, the kid who…"

Her mouth fell open, as if she had been hit by a sudden thought. Then a split second later, her face darkened and was contorted by a frown. Jackson would never forget that face, and the way she darted her eyes into his, the fury in them.

"Jack, Eugene is not your friend." her tone was cold. "He is a really mean boy, you should stay away from him, he’s going to hurt you a lot."

"But…" Jackson stammered. "I don’t have any other friends ?"

His mother pouted sadly, and took his face into her hands.

"Oh baby… I’m so sorry, you don’t deserve this, they don’t deserve you… You know, they say we’re better off alone than surrounded by people who don’t want good things for us, but you’re not alone, okay ? Never. You have me, and Dad. We’ll always be here."

Jackson held his arms out and she caught him without missing a beat, holding him close against her.

"But I don’t have a best friend anymore…" he whispered, warm tears streaming down his cheeks and falling on his mom’s jacket

"You have to be your own best friend. Everything you wish someone did for you, you have to do for yourself. You’re the only one who will always be by your side, you have to be your greatest ally."

So, that was the story of how Jackson heard that advice for the first time.

Of course, at six years old he hadn’t really understood a word of it, so he failed the first test that came after, and the second, and the third… Several times, he made the same mistakes, ignored the hints, and walked right into the wolf’s mouth. Until one day, he finally started understanding.

It took several years.

He stayed in that same elementary school until the end. He finished that year, still spending time with Eugene and Liwei during recess, although staying a bit further, letting Liwei have the spot he had earned. Some days, when he felt like Eugene was not even looking at him, he sat under the rain roof like he did at the beginning of the year —that was when Eugene’s sister would stay next to him, without saying anything.

Then, the second year, Eugene and his sister left the school. Their family moved to a different area, after their father got a huge promotion that everyone talked about for a whole week. There were no goodbyes, except a party thrown by the whole class where everyone brought snacks. Eugene was out of Jackson’s life, probably never to return.

Now, he was completely alone. Liwei made a new group, with a bunch of kids who had mocked Jackson during his first year, and whom he didn’t want to stay around because they always threw dirt and gravels at him. So he usually stayed under the rain porch, with a book, or with a group of girls from an older class who made him "run errands" for them —grab a beach toy, get them a large flat stone, carry their backpack…

In the first weeks of his third year, his father said he had had enough. He couldn’t bear seeing his son hopping into the car with his head hung low anymore, hated to see him shrugging when he was asked about his day.

"We’re gonna find something you like." he announced as he started the car. "You can try anything you want, any hobby, but I need to see your happy face, okay ? Who knows, maybe you’ll even make friends ?"

So, Jackson tried a bunch of things. He started taking music lessons, then drawing lessons, and tried out for pretty much every sport in the area, from soccer to basketball to tennis to hurdles. All of them were fine, and he had a hard time choosing for a while. Until the day his mom decided they should visit Dad at his fencing practice.

His father’s face had brightened so suddenly when he caught sight of them, standing against the door. He had kneeled and gestured at Jackson to come to him. Jackson had run into his arms.

"Do you want to try it ?" he had asked, showing his son the sabre in his hand

Jackson had nodded fervently.

That day remained engraved in Jackson’s memory as one of the happiest of his life. He had had so much fun, with his dad and his dad’s coach while his mom cheered them on, that he asked if he could come in again the next day.

That’s how Jackson ended up signing for his first fencing lessons.

Now, he still had no friends in school, but at least he had something to do during recess. He would take a stick that fell from a tree and find a corner of the yard to practice his moves against imaginary adversaries. In imaginary stadiums. In imaginary competitions. And when the teachers would call them back to class, he would pretend he heard the referee announce the end of a match and he would walk back to the building like an athlete walks to the podium to receive his hard-earned gold medal. Yes, the other kids made fun of him for swinging around a stick, but at least now he had an imaginary world to hide in to drown them out.

In the last few months of Jackson’s last year of elementary school, his father’s coach visited them at home for dinner. That evening, Jackson’s father announced he would retire as soon as the competition season ended. Jackson had frozen.

"What are you gonna do now ?" he asked, his voice suddenly jumping up an octave

His father smiled.

"Do you remember Hua, from back in Hong Kong ? He retired a few years ago already, now he’s a coach for some very promising fencers. He told me they have positions open for other coaches."

"So…" Jackson looked at his mom. "We’re going back to Hong Kong ?"

His mother nodded.

"When the school year ends so it doesn’t trouble you too much, we’ll have time to prepare and find a good school and a good fencing coach."

And indeed, they transferred as soon as Jackson graduated. Jackson didn’t find anyone he knew from his earlier days when he started middle school, it was as if that time had vanished. He didn’t even recall a single name of the kids he had played with before moving to Beijing.

Being back in Hong Kong, however, was not much of a homecoming. He got confused between three languages, and would automatically introduce himself in the wrong one to his classmates, who looked at him as if he was an alien that landed in their backyard.

He was quickly integrated to a ‘’squad’’, as his classmates called it. There were five people in the squad, and they always argued about what the name of the group was, or who was leader. Jackson was terrified of what each of them would say about him, but they were the only ones who let him hang out with them so he took what he could get.

They were all well-liked by everyone in the school, but they always had an opinion about people, especially the shy and awkward ones. Later, Jackson would find out that his other classmates called him the squad’s personal ‘’puppy’’. Not in a cute way.

He didn’t have a best friend, but at least he had friends. Or at least… he thought he did.

His parents absolutely hated them however, they called them _the brainless bunch_ and told him to watch his back, but Jackson always put their worries at ease. They were a bit harsh, but they were his friends.

His parents didn’t believe him very long.

At the end of the first year, during a school trip, Jackson had been very sick with allergies. He was sniffing very often, and had to take medicines. The squad started mockingly sniffing around when he came into a room or sat next to them, for the entertainment of their entire class. When they were alone in their shared room for the trip, Jackson had coughed a bit, and one of his friends threw a fit, yelling at him to stop making noises all the time. Jackson heard the word ‘’annoying’’ like thunder hitting right next to his eardrum, splitting his skull.

There were several incidents, where he caught them rolling their eyes at him if he gave them a compliment, on their outfit, on their grades, on their drawings for art class… And several times they shut him off when he tried to start a conversation for once, or share something that he had on his mind.

But they were his friends.

At the beginning of their last year, an argument split the squad in two. Jackson hadn’t understood any of the stakes so he spent his days going from one half to the other, as each of them tried to list all the wrongs of the others to convince him to choose a side. Jackson didn’t. One day, the smaller group called him to a ‘’private meeting’’ and announced they were planning on reconciling with the other team.

"That’s great !" Jackson cheered

Their eyes had turned stormy. Suddenly, the tallest of them walked up to him and grabbed him by the T-shirt.

"You had something to say ? You were on their side this whole time ?"

"No, no !" Jackson protested. "I just think it’s nice that we can all be friends again."

His friend had looked him up and down, then pushed him away.

The squad reunited and everyone went back to rolling their eyes at him every time he opened his mouth, no one was fighting for him anymore.

Everything went to shit a few months later.

The reason ? Even as an adult now, Jackson had no idea.

It coincided with the time they found out about his fencing, but that couldn’t be it. It wouldn’t make sense, right ?

To clarify, they knew that he took fencing lessons, he mentioned it in his self-introductions every year in English class, but they didn’t think much of it. Every kid had extracurriculars, and fencing was not really anything cool enough to be discussed. Since they never asked, Jackson never kept them updated.

Yes. Because there was something to be updated about now. Jackson’s first competition happened only a few months after he moved to Hong Kong. His new coach was much more ambitious than the one he had back in Beijing and thought Jackson’s skills were worth being put to the test in a serious way. After that, everything went so fast. A local competition became a regional, and soon enough, by the end of middle school Jackson had to take leaves from school to compete on a national scale.

That was how his friends and classmates found out, actually.

He had mentioned he couldn’t be there because of a competition, and everyone had sort of laughed. They probably thought it was one of those contests for kids, that only the parents attend and take shaky videos of, where the only prize is a participation medal.

So when Jackson came back on Monday with a silver metal, a smile stretched out all over his face and a teacher congratulated him, saying he had seen him on TV, the looks in people’s eyes changed. To what, he couldn’t describe. It was like the lights had been switched off, their faces had suddenly turned blank and unreadable.

When the storm hit, Jackson had already forgotten about those eyes.

It was in the school cafeteria. Jackson and his friends had been among the first to get there, but his friends were too busy chatting and barely touched their plates. Jackson, who had learned after a few years to keep his mouth shut, finished before everyone else. One of the staff members of the cafeteria walked up to them and told them to clear out as quickly as possible, because they were taking up the biggest table and they still had half the school to feed.

Jackson had looked at his empty plate, then at his friends’ full ones, but said nothing. The tall one, the one who had pushed him during the peace negotiations, rose his eyebrows.

"What ?" he snarled. "Leave if you’re done. You heard her."

Jackson dropped his head, grabbed his things and got out to leave. He waited for them for over half an hour, alone in the school yard.

When he saw them come out of the cafeteria, he ran up to join them. In a single motion, they all nudged each other and turned around before he could reach them. Jackson frowned, but still jogged up to walk with them.

That’s when the tall one had faced him, so suddenly that Jackson almost tripped over him.

"Are you a dog ?" he spat

Jackson stalled. What ? Where did that come from ?

"N-no ?" he choked on his words

"Then stop following us around. Get lost."

Jackson hadn’t cried. He had stayed frozen while they went away, but he hadn’t shed one tear, unlike he had done for the school yard best friend he never thought about anymore.

He didn’t tell his parents right away. He just asked if he could take more hours of fencing, since he wanted to play professionally like his father now. They refused. He was already playing most days of the week, he still had to study. So, he asked if he could pick up an other extracurricular, maybe music again ? They agreed.

That way, Jackson managed to avoid the school yard, his classmates and the squad, hiding in the library during every break with the excuse that he had to practice reading music to catch up with the level he was supposed to have if he had kept taking lessons after elementary school.

His mother caught up pretty soon. She knew every shade of him, and every slight variation of the spark in his eyes. She could see very well he had dulled. When she asked, he denied at first, said he was just tired because of all the homework. But if there was one person he couldn’t fool, it was her. He told her the whole story.

That’s when he heard her advice for the second time.

"You’re the only one who will never let you down." she said, holding him even though he still didn’t cry. "If you put them first, you fail yourself, when you should be your best ally. Your best friend."

This time, Jackson didn’t filter out her words as much as he had several years before. He put down a mental note : if someone is making you unhappy, you shouldn’t let them drag you around the mud without saying anything. He swore to himself that would be the mantra he would take with him to high school.

That, he did. And a few more medals.

However, it was also in high school that he heard his mother’s advice one last time.

In high school, he met someone he could call a best friend, and who also called him a best friend. They hit it off because they had the same name. Jack and Jackson. It was a joke at first, but they stuck to each other, shared most classes and spent lunch together. Soon enough, they started confiding in each other. Jackson told Jack about the squad, who had been split up in different classes —the tall one was also held back before graduating and another one changed schools— and Jack comforted him, telling him it was behind him now and that he could count on him.

Jackson could also comfortably tell him about his fencing practices, his competitions, his victories, his losses, his hopes. Jack didn’t say much about it, with the excuse that he didn’t know anything about fencing but that he was happy that Jackson was happy. The only thing Jackson never mentioned was the plan his coach had laid out for him, and that his parents supported —granted, with many worries and fears. The Olympics.

His coach’s plan had three steps : Asia Championship title, World Championship title, Summer Olympics.

His mother was both for and against it, saying he should still secure his studies in case anything went wrong, if he got injured and couldn’t compete anymore, or if one of the stages of the plan didn’t work out as smoothly as they expected. Jackson had promised her that he would keep bringing the best possible grades, while testing to see if he was good enough to qualify for the Asia Championship.

Qualifying was a hard road. When Jackson lost a competition, he would break down and double his efforts in training, which meant he had to double his efforts in his school work too, if he wanted his parents to allow him to carry on with his plan.

Many times, he had fallen asleep in the school library. His eating regimen was strict, which annoyed the lunch ladies at the cafeteria to the point that they huffed as soon as they saw him step through the door. His P.E. teacher also had it out for him, for some unknown reason.

Many times, Jack asked him if he wasn’t putting in too much effort on a hobby, and never missed an opportunity to point out every detail of Jackson’s face that betrayed him : the dark eyes, the vitamins, the fourth cup of coffee. Jackson didn’t mind, it felt like someone was looking out for him, no matter how strange the insistence felt.

Things started changing when Jack got a girlfriend. Her and her two friends started hanging out with them every time, forming a small group that Jackson didn’t mind at all, they were nice. Jack payed less attention to his condition, but that was okay too, he was happy for his friend.

No, the true change came when Jack and his girlfriend, after three months of dating, started arguing so much they could barely stand to be in the same room, but still wouldn’t break up.

Jackson believed he was pretty good at handling conflicts, he had broken up fights between fencers several times and resolved the situations smoothly. As Jack’s best friend, it was normal to try to restore communication, even if it ended up in a break up. He owed it to someone who had constantly said he could count on him.

It turned out to be not just a bad idea, but a fatal mistake.

Jackson managed to get a minute alone with Jack’s girlfriend to ask about her side of the story, and how she felt with the whole situation. She had been understanding of his intentions, but didn’t sugarcoat any detail. She felt held back by her boyfriend, she felt like he was always making passive aggressive comments about everything she made, about her high grades and her good relationships with teachers, about her many friends… She sounded very sincere, even though Jackson had a hard time recognising his best friend.

She broke down into tears in the middle of her rant, so Jackson had automatically given her a hug to comfort her. Bad idea. Because even though they were in an isolated angle of the school yard, they still were in Jack’s line of sight.

Jack glared at him when they came back to class. Jackson almost shuddered, he had never seen his best friend’s eyes turn so dark before. He had never darted any emotion that strong, that noticeable towards him.

"What do you think you’re doing ?" he hissed, pushing his shoulder

Jackson’s eyes widened.

"I was just trying to see if I could get you two to talk." he said, massaging his shoulder

"Bullshit. You want her to break up with me so she can be with you. Don’t think I don’t know guys like you."

Jackson was in so much shock that he didn’t even protest.

What the hell ?

That day, in class, Jackson couldn’t concentrate, playing back the scene over and over in his mind. Then, his brain started providing older images, as a film teacher would point out all the tricks a director used to tell a story that couldn’t be perceived on first viewing.

Whenever Jackson talked about his fencing, Jack took out his phone and started scrolling mindlessly to block out the sound. He said he didn’t understand it and that he was happy for him, but his voice was so monotone every time. When Jackson came home with good grades because he busted his ass to fulfil his promise to his parents, Jack always had that strange comment : ‘’of course, you’re good at everything’’. With so much snark.

Whenever Jack pointed out his dark eyes, or called his vitamins a warning sign of his obsession with sports rather than an indication that he was taking care of his body, Jackson felt like shit, and he refused to admit it to himself. When he heard him call fencing a hobby despite having talked for hours about his goal to play professionally, he felt like _absolute shit_. And those words came from the mouth of his best friend.

He had to take his mother’s advice. He had to apply the mantra he had promised himself to follow.

He decided to distance himself from Jack slowly, smoothly, without stirring up conflict. They would just float away from each other, like two feathers on the ocean that were never meant to touch.

Fatal mistake.

As soon as Jack started picking up on the clues, that Jackson was making more and more excuses to spend breaks at the library, or to do his projects with different classmates, all the fires of hell rained down on Jackson.

It took him a while to realise. He should have known, because after a few weeks, the people in his class started looking at him strangely, they wouldn’t partner up with him for sports, they wouldn’t sit down next to him at the cafeteria.

One day, when he went to the restroom of the school gym to splash some water on his face after an intense basketball match that had ended with one of his teammates throwing the ball to the back of his head with an _oops,_ he heard arguing in the hallway.

"Why did you throw that ball ?"

It was the P.E. teacher, the one who always gave Jackson a hard time, saying he had to _do better than this_.

"Were you out of your mind ? You don’t throw balls like that at your classmates, it’s a foul. When he comes back, you’re going to apologise. Is that clear ?"

"Why should I apologise ?" It was Jackson’s teammate, the one who had thrown the ball at him —wait they were talking about him ? "The guy’s a jerk. He talks shit behind everyone’s back, insults everyone. He even stole Jack’s girlfriend, if anything he deserves a ball to the face."

Jackson felt like the ground had opened beneath his feet. His knees trembled, and he suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe. How could he walk out ? How could he face his class ever again ? They _hated_ him. All of them.

He fell to the ground, and never came back to class. No one came to get him.

After a quick investigation, done by Jack’s ex-girlfriend for him because he was too terrified to look in any of his classmates’ eyes now, he found out that indeed, Jack had gone around the school spreading the rumour that Jackson was a mean person, who talked bad about people behind their back. He even had invented a specific story for every person, just to make their grudges personal.

There was no way Jackson would survive that.

He couldn’t be seen. He had to hide. But the library wasn’t enough, everyone went there now that the days became hot.

So Jackson picked the first exit he found : he signed up for the school’s dance team, that trained every day at lunch hour. That way, he had people to hang out with at the cafeteria, if only because they all had to be at the gym on time.

His mother had questioned that decision, obviously.

"You have dance at noon, and then you leave school to go fencing, Jackson. And music school on days you don’t fence. You have exams coming next year, you’re going to be exhausted."

When Jackson had deflected, saying he could handle all of it, his mother had guessed. She knew him too well.

"If I see that kid anywhere I’m going to give him a sermon he’ll remember until the day he lies on his death bed…" she gnarled after Jackson told her the whole story

Jackson laughed. She smiled sadly.

"I’m so sorry, baby. I know you liked him a lot."

Jackson shrugged.

"Maybe I’m just not meant to have friends." he sighed

"Don’t say that. You’re an amazing person, you deserve the world. Jack is just a jealous little kid who can’t stand to see other people succeed better than him. You’re better off without him."

"But I’m still alone."

His mom held him close, stroking his hair like she had done when he was a kid.

"You’re not alone. Your best friend is still right here if you open the door for him."

Jackson frowned.

"Who ?"

She pinched his cheek.

"You, silly."

That was the third, and last time Jackson had heard that advice. That time, he decided he would listen fully. Even if he didn’t understand all of it.

"’Now, what you’re gonna do is you’re gonna walk up to all of those kids and tell them the truth. That you don’t have anything against them, that you never said anything bad about them. You’re gonna show them who you really are, that you’re not a mean person but all the opposite. Okay ?"

Jackson’s spine tensed up.

"I don’t know if I can…" he whispered

"You can. If you’re scared, you can give yourself time, but you are absolutely capable of standing up for yourself. That’s what a best friend would do, right ?"

So Jackson did. And it went well, his classmates understood so quickly and even apologised for believing in rumours without questioning them, that it almost made Jackson dizzy.

Although he couldn’t say it didn’t bother him to see Jack every day until he finally graduated high school, he put the fact that he had no one to worry about in school anymore to good use to focus on fencing.

He had lost a competition soon after the incident at the gym, because he started hyperventilating out of nowhere when he heard his coach talk about him with someone else while he was in the restroom. He had been so troubled by that, that he got distracted during his final match and lost.

But now, his mind was clear. It was his last year of high school, the Asia Championship was coming, he was moving forward. Except on the fact that his parents insisted that he should still choose a university and a major to study.

"You never know, Jackson." his father had said, and refused to hear that he himself had been a champion without attending one university lesson. "It was a different time."

Jackson understood, and started looking into it. There were so many things that sounded interesting : music production, fashion, psychology, physiotherapy, art history… How could he choose just one ?

The championship took place halfway through the school year. Jackson had passed all the qualifying rounds, and made it to the final. He had been on television, and in sports newspapers, local newspapers and even the school’s website. The dance team threw a support party for him the day before he had to take a plane to Singapore. The school even made an announcement through the speakers to express their pride in having him in their ranks. That day, the eyes of everyone, staff, teachers and students alike, never left him. He wasn’t sure that was a good thing.

"You know it’s okay if you don’t win…" his father said while Jackson was warming up, a few hours before he was set to compete

Jackson saw his father’s hands shaking. He smiled warmly and took them in his.

"I know." he replied. "I’m happy I got this far. I’ll do my best."

"Your dad is just scared you’re gonna beat him." his coach joked. "He only got silver and bronze in this competition."

"Oh shut up."

Then, his father’s face had suddenly broken into a smile and he started waving his arm around.

‘’Song ?’’ he yelled in English at someone passing by. ‘’Is that you ?’’

"Wang ?" the man exclaimed, also in English, when he saw Jackson’s father

They ran to hug each other, laughing and patting each other’s backs.

"Who ?" Jackson asked his coach

"Song Chulwoo. An ex fencing champion in South Korea. Retired now, he coaches their national team."

Jackson nodded. His father had friends in many countries, that he met throughout his career. He had never made it to the podium of the Olympics, but he had still competed around the world and proved his skills in front of international cameras.

"Let me introduce you to my son." he heard his father say. "He’s the one competing today."

The man walking next to his father was very tall. He had a square jaw, and a strong stance, chin held high, shoulders relaxed. Jackson would have called him charismatic, with the way he held out his hand in an assured, fluid gesture.

Jackson shook it, bowing his head.

"Pleasure to meet you, Sir."

"So Wang Senior managed to drag you into this too, huh ?" the older fencer laughed

"It was my idea, Sir." Jackson grinned

"Well, good luck, kid. I’ll watch very carefully, you better be as good as your father."

His tone was clearly joking, but Jackson had felt his chest constricting.

"Wang, seventeen years old, playing for China." the announcer had introduced him. "Phan, twenty-one years old, playing for Vietnam."

Jackson wishes he could say he remembered that day clearer than any other, after all it had changed his life. But no. It was all a blur. The first thing he remembered was the weight of his sabre in his hand. Then nothing. Just adrenaline and his hot breath on his skin.

The next thing he knew, he was on a podium, a medal around his neck.

Gold.

His father had lifted him off the ground, despite being two heads shorter than Jackson, crying and yelling incoherent words —at least incoherent to Jackson, who felt like his skull was full of water.

A second later, his father had thrown himself on his phone, to call Jackson’s mother, who hadn’t been able to fly with them because of a series of crucial meetings with a parent company of her firm. She had made them promise to call her as soon as the results came in, even though she would be probably be watching it live on her phone or on television.

That left Jackson alone, numb-headed, while people he didn’t know came to congratulate him, or snap pictures of him.

"Bravo, kid."

Jackson whipped around. Song Chulwoo was standing behind him, hands crossed behind his back, with one corner of his lips lifted in a smile that didn’t seem as hostile as it should have, knowing this was the coach of the player that won the silver.

"You played well." he carried on, taking a step closer. "You have skills that draw everyone’s eyes to you. A few more medals like that and they’ll ask you to join the Chinese national team."

Jackson bowed, wiping some of the sweat off his neck and forehead that appeared after the flow of pictures he had just taken.

"Thank you, Sir. I would be honoured, I’ll work hard."

Song Chulwoo smiled, big and unambiguous this time.

"I like you. What’s next for you ?"

"World Championships, hopefully, Sir."

Jackson breathed out, hearing himself say the words. _World Championships_.

"So I made the right guess. You _are_ aiming for the Olympics."

Jackson swallowed. Was that a bad thing ? Was he getting ahead of himself ? Maybe he was being too pretentious, he had barely just won one major title, the junior fencing championof Asia, he should hit the brakes a bit.

 _The junior fencing champion of Asia_.

"You know…" Song gave him a pointed look. "I also train my junior team for the Olympics. So far, I’ve got a few kids that could get there but the way I see it, it would be a waste not to offer you a spot too. If you want it."

"Your team ?" Jackson repeated, suddenly out of breath for no reason. "In Seoul ?"

"Yes. Sounds interesting ?"

Jackson would be lying if he said it didn’t. But he couldn’t, right ? It was a whole different country, where he didn’t know anyone, he didn’t even know the language, it was absolutely out of the realm of possibilities.

"It does, Sir." he sighed. "I can’t, unfortunately. I promised my parents I would balance fencing and university, I can’t leave Hong Kong."

Song shrugged.

"Fine. Your father has my number, if you change your mind."

Jackson thanked him one more time.

Back in Hong Kong, the celebration was short-lived. He had a full week of tests starting the day after his return, and the deadline for university applications was approaching fast. All eyes were on him, his teachers kept pressuring him, the staff kept sliding him new brochures for international schools with sports programs, and his parents looked at him from afar with worried eyes, while he hogged the computer to look through every possible option he had.

He still couldn’t choose. He didn’t know what to do, not because he didn’t find anything interesting, but because there were too many roads he wanted to explore. His mother reminded him every time he mentioned it : _you have a human body, you’re not a machine, you can’t possibly do everything._

In the end, the decision came from an unexpected piece of information.

Jackson had wanted to visit his physics professor to ask a few questions about a course he had read about the night before, when he had bumped into a familiar group of people. Jack and his friends.

Before they spotted him, he had ducked behind a cupboard. They were standing in front of the door he wanted to get to.

"The deadline’s next week, I still don’t know what I’ll choose, it’s such a pain in the ass right now. They should let us choose at the end, why do we have to worry about applications and exams at the same time ?"

It sounded like they were hanging out there and had no intention to move until the end of the break.

 _Shit_ , had been Jackson’s very distinct and memorable thought.

"You’re overthinking it, dude." that was Jack. "Just do what I did and send applications to every university in the area. One of them’s bound to take you, right ?"

"Yeah right, with your grades ?"

Then, they had started arguing and Jackson had tuned out of it.

So Jack and his friends would probably choose a university in Hong Kong. There was a chance that he would spend several more years in their companies.

Well, campuses were big, even if somehow they ended up in the same school, in the same major, the chances they would spend much time were still slim.

But Jackson still felt a cold shiver slowly drip down his spine.

All of a sudden, he couldn’t breathe.

 _I have to get out of here_.

Did he mean here, the hallway, or here, the entire city of Hong Kong, at that moment he couldn’t say. But the first thing he did was run to library. He found an empty aisle and started restlessly pacing around.

China was big. It had many universities. He could just apply to one in another city. Beijing ? No, that city bore too many bad memories, the longer he could stay away from it, the better. Shanghai ? Macao ?

 _Seoul_.

No.

Oh no that was terrible idea.

Or was it ? He had a spot almost secure in a team with a trainer who seemed to have as much ambition as he did.

But he didn’t speak the language.

He could always learn. Quick enough to follow university lessons ? He had good grades but he wasn’t a genius. Song Chulwoo spoke English though, so maybe it wouldn’t be too much of a problem. If he started now, he had six months ahead of him to learn as much as he could. He could balance that with his training, music school and the dance team. And school.

But what would his parents say ?

"Did he offer you a place in the South Korean national team ?" his father had been the most confused

"No, no ! On his junior team."

His mother shook her head.

"What are you going to do, alone in a foreign country ? You don’t know anyone."

"I’ll train almost half of the day, I’m bound to meet some people in the team at least. And Dad trusts Song Chulwoo, right ?"

His father nodded.

"What university would you go to ? Will they even accept foreign students who don’t speak their language ?" his mother pressed on, her hands growing shakier by the second

"I’ll study. And I’m sure they have foreign students every year."

"But what course would you choose ?"

Ah. That had made Jackson stall a moment.

"Music ?" he blurted out, the first thought that came into his head. "They have famous programs for that, I went to music school for years, that might make a difference on my application even if I’m not fluent in the language."

His parents looked at each other.

"I know it sounds like a bad idea…" he sighed. "But it’s an opportunity that’s a lot greater than anything I could get here, I get to train with a highly competitive team. I would get one step closer to the Olympics."

And although Jackson could see transparently in their eyes that it tore their hearts to say it, they agreed.

The next day, he called Song Chulwoo to inform him of his decision. The coach had been delighted and had even offered to fly him as soon as his exams were over, to help him get accustomed to the new environment before jumping in the jungle of university.

The rest of his last year of high school flew by in a blur. Jackson was always head deep into something, be it learning Korean, revising for exams or studying music production softwares and advanced music theory. He barely spoke to anyone. Once again, the looks that landed on him started to change. And yes, he did notice. He felt them on his skin even when he was drowning in a textbook.

"He’s so pretentious." he heard a girl from his dance team say one day, when he had to cut practice short to answer a call from Song Chulwoo about accommodations

But, in the end, he made it. He got into one of the top universities in Seoul, who had been too delighted to learn they would have an international sports champion in the rank and even promised he could use their gym to get extra hours of practice between classes if he ever needed. He passed his exams with grades he was pretty satisfied with, and left the country two days after graduating.

His parents had cried, and his mother had almost smothered him to death in her hug, refusing to let him board the plane without promising to call every single day.

The moment the wheels of the plane had left the ground, Jackson felt himself breathing again. He was leaving. The pain, the let-downs, the failures, the rumours, the friendships were behind him. He could start anew, shed his old, misguided reputation and build himself a new one. A truer one.

So in the end, it was thanks to his ex best friend that he ended up where he was standing right now, in the plane headed to a whole new world. The most precious luggage he had boarded with was his mother’s advice.

 _Be your own best friend_.

He wouldn’t get hurt again. He would be smart this time. He would focus on himself, on his goals, on his work, and he would be happy. He had almost two abundant months in front of him before the start of university.

He could do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is autobiographical to an ethically concerning degree.
> 
> Anyway, this is the introduction to the story ! The word count got really out of hand, so I'm posting this to kick it off and I'll upload the rest as soon as possible


	2. Part One (1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning : most of the mentions of food and diets are in this chapter.

**_(Part One)_ **

The first person Jackson met in Seoul was Mark Tuan.

Song Chulwoo had arranged for them to room together because Mark went to the same university Jackson would start attending —though one year above—, he was also an athlete at the training center —a gymnast, not a fencer— and he spoke English, Mandarin and Korean, just like Jackson. A match made in heaven.

"We start tomorrow right away." Song told him before leaving him to unpack. "Before school starts, we’ll do full days. We’ll arrange your schedule with the dean, but you still need to get at least six hours of training every day once lessons start. And that’s the barest minimum. There’s twelve fencers in total, with you, in the team. Not all twelve of you will make it to World Championships. And certainly not all twelve of you will make it to the Olympics. So if you’re serious about this, you’re gonna have to prove it."

Jackson nodded, and turned around once the door closed behind him.

"The Olympics, huh ?"

Mark was sprawled on the couch, tapping frenetically on his phone screen, probably playing a game. He was taller than Jackson, but didn’t look that much older. Jackson mentally prayed that they would get along, even if they didn’t become proper friends.

"Yeah…" Jackson sighed

"I hope you chose a chill major, then. Cause uni homework will suck your soul dry."

Jackson bit his lip. Yes, he hadn’t quite figured that out yet. There were enough hours in a day, right ?

"How do you do it ?" he asked, feeling his heart burst through his chest at the mere thought of starting small talk — _dangerous territory…_

"I don’t." Mark yawned, tossing his phone aside. "My grades are free-falling. But we have two months to think about that, come on. I’ll show you around the area."

The dorm was attached to the training center, so most of the residents were young athletes from outside of the region, who specifically pursued sports professionally. Not many were foreigners actually, only a couple, including Mark, but it was somehow enough for Jackson to feel a little less like all the eyes would single him out.

The training center was mainly specialised in gymnastics, but there was a floor dedicated to martial arts as well. That was the same floor where the fencing team trained, in a different room. The other eleven fencers, six boys and five girls, were considerably outnumbered by the gymnasts, but Mark assured Jackson that all the teams spent time together.

The area was quite busy. There were food stores everywhere, and it was a few blocks away from a large department store. Jackson even spotted a Chinese food restaurant that he would have to check out, maybe if the food was good it would cure the days when he’d feel homesick. Or make them a hundred time worse.

Going from the training center to the university would take about twenty minutes with the bus, thirty through the subway since it wasn’t a direct connexion.

That evening, Mark invited Jackson to eat, offering to pay for his meal as a welcome gift. Jackson’s heart tightened in his chest.

_Don’t get ahead of yourself, remember ?_

Mark chose a Korean restaurant, so that he could let Jackson practice a bit, reading the menu and ordering for both of them. The gesture was thoughtful, he had to admit, but he couldn’t help but see Jack’s face popping up in his mind intermittently.

_Calm down. He’s just your roommate, he doesn’t have to be your friend_.

Mark was the type to focus on his plate when he was eating rather than the type to chat in between two mouthfuls, but Jackson still managed to learn a few things about him —while, obviously, weighing his words in case he would accidentally step in the wolf’s mouth again like he had so many times back in school. Mark had learned Mandarin at home with his family, but grew up in the United States, hence why he spoke fluent English. He had started gymnastics at age seven, almost the same as Jackson. He had decided to move to Korea when he had seen Yoo Wonchul’s performance at the 2008 Summer Olympics.

"He just made it look like it was nothing." Mark explained, halfway through the meal. "I get why he didn’t get the gold, but no one else makes parallel bars look your every day walk in a park."

Mark’s goal was mainly coaching rather than competing, especially at the Olympics, but he didn’t close that door either. He liked the performance aspect more than the execution of compulsory moves for technical evaluations.

What struck Jackson, was that he made no promises. No ‘don’t worry, you can count on me, I’ll help you with everything’, even when they talked about Jackson’s lingering worries when it came to following lessons in a foreign university. He didn’t know whether that was a good sign or a bad one.

That night, he called his parents, and almost jumped on the first plane when he heard the break in his mother’s voice, indicating that she was trying hard not to cry.

As he laid wide awake in the dark, on his bed, the only sounds that could be heard were Mark’s breathing and the buzzing of the refrigerator. Jackson felt a deep rumble rise from the pit of his stomach, like the fraction of a second that kickstarts a devastating earthquake. The rumble quickly shot up through his throat and all the way up to his eyes.

Jackson smacked his hand on his mouth to muffle the sound of the sob that tore his throat.

In a second, his eyes filled up with burning tears, and he found himself curling up into a ball, head banging softly against the wall.

He couldn’t go on like this. This was not something that would last in a flash, he was here for a long time. If he cried himself to sleep like that every night, he would not survive. He had to be strong, to keep his eyes on his goals, to not allow any distractions to pull his guard down. To not be eaten alive by the alligators in the pool he was about to be thrown in.

He needed to pull the switch. To lock the floodgates and trap them behind a cement wall. He had to make it, at any cost.

After that, Jackson did not cry again for a long time.

He met his teammates the very next day, and couldn’t say he was surprised when their eyes scanned him up and down for a good minute, their faces unreadable, before greeting him. The first impression he had was that they didn’t seem neither cold not particularly warm towards him. They were supposed to work with each other, but in the end they were rivals. Coach Song had said it himself : not all twelve of them would make it to the Olympics. Over half of the group was there full time, they had chosen to focus on their sports training and not pursue any university degree.

Jackson immediately felt bad about his choice. These guys would crush him like a breadstick, he had to stay on their rhythm no matter how much school work he would get.

All in all, during the two months that Jackson spent full time at the training center, the only person he really had any conversations with was Mark.

Song Chulwoo’s training was relentless. Jackson had to wake up a little before four a.m., eat the breakfast that was prescribed by the team’s doctor, then hit a run for a good hour. He was expected at the training center around six thirty, and only left a bit before five in the afternoon. There were no praises or compliments being thrown mindlessly. Song’s motto was ‘’there is always room to improve’’, and he seemed to think that it applied particularly accurately to Jackson. Mark was always there already when Jackson came back and collapsed next to him on the couch.

He would not say a word, get up while Jackson had his eyes closed and come back with a drink or a snack for him.

"Yeah, I know you have a diet to follow, but you look like you’re gonna pass out." he said every time, even before Jackson would open his mouth

Jackson found the right rhythm after a few weeks, and was now able to keep his energy throughout the day. Mark didn’t stop handing him food for all that.

One day, Jackson got curious and decided to swing by Mark’s practice while he was on a break. He walked into the gymnastics’ room that the athletes called the Blue Room becauseof its soft blue coating on the floor. It didn’t take him long to spot Mark, the guy was _flying_.

Jackson’s jaw almost fell to the floor. Mark probably had an incredibly strong upper body, he was currently standing upside down from a horizontal bar, just swinging and flipping around with the almost insulting nonchalance of a cat falling back on its feet and going about its day.

After that, Mark also came to Jackson’s practice, unannounced. That made Jackson’s sweat run cold. He couldn’t miss one single step now, the last thing he wanted was for his roommate to believe that Jackson had come all this way from a foreign country as a subpar athlete who thought too highly of himself. (That wasn’t true, right ?)

"I don’t really know how the rules work." Mark commented when they went to eat together after that. "But you guys are so quick, I can’t even see what’s happening."

Jackson decided it didn’t sound like a bad thing.

However… he should have anticipated that his clarity of mind would not last for long. He was always on the lookout for the signs that the cold wind was about to rise again, that the eyes he had grown familiar with were still hunting him. He should have expected that life had more than one trick up its sleeve, and that the next test to see if he had finally learned his lesson would be much sneakier.

It was almost the end of his two months of full time, and despite trying to evacuate the thoughts of university from his mind, Jackson was starting to feel his nights grow more restless as the days went by.

That evening, he had gone for a quick grocery run after his training. Mark and him had fallen into a routine when it came to chores and spending money, it was his turn this time and he was trying to be fast since it was supposed to start raining.

Jackson came back to their dorm completely soaked, with two full bags of food and cleaning supplies.

The first thing he noticed as he closed the door with his foot, was that Mark was not there. At least, not on the couch, where he always found him after his training. Jackson stayed silent, closed his eyes to focus on the sounds. Maybe he wasn’t home ?

"Yeah… Yeah, okay…" he heard, muffled behind the bathroom door

Oh. So he _was_ home. Jackson shouldn’t freak out over nothing.

He started unpacking the groceries, pushing that thought out of his mind. Not one minute later, he heard the door of the bathroom open then close, and a sniff. His head shot up.

Mark was standing with one hand still on the handle, phone in the other stuck to his ear, eyes bright red and staring into the void. Jackson’s spine tensed up. He got up from where he was kneeling to put the food in the fridge, his gaze fixed on his roommate, who was nodding feebly at what the person on the call was saying.

"Yeah I understand." Mark said weakly, wiping his nose

His voice was a bit shaky, Jackson could see the wheels in Mark’s brain that where working hard to keep his composure even though he looked on the verge of breaking into a thousand pieces. He was speaking English, so Jackson took a wild guess that the person he was talking to was from his hometown.

"Okay, I will, I promise." Mark sniffed. "Keep me updated. Yeah… Yeah, I love you too. Yeah… Bye."

He hung up, but stared at the phone a few more seconds. Jackson didn’t move.

"Oh." Mark seemed to snap out of his daze when he met Jackson’s eyes. "Is it raining ?"

"Pouring." Jackson replied, but his tone was tense. "What happened ?"

"Nothing."

Mark looked away quickly, tossing his phone on the couch and grabbing the remote to skip through the channels mindlessly. He didn’t even sit down.

Should Jackson insist ? Mark and him got along, but they weren’t _friends_. They never had that conversation. Jackson had heard countless times that he was loud and annoying, the last thing that he wanted was to gain the same exact reputation in this country too.

But Mark looked seriously down, in a way that Jackson had never seen. Yeah, some days he was a bit sour, which Jackson had come to understand meant he had a frustrating training or an argument with someone from his team. But he had never looked _sad_. Jackson knew that his roommate got homesick at times, since they had mentioned it a few times over dinner, but he had never shown it.

Jackson looked at the open fridge in front of him. When he was having a hard time in the early weeks of his stay, Mark hadn’t really used words but he had other ways to tell Jackson that he understood. So Jackson grabbed the milk bottle and set out to make hot chocolate. Screw their diet.

When he came to Mark with two huge cups full of warm chocolate, his roommate had finally decided to sit down on a couch to watch a documentary about sea turtles. Jackson sat down next to him and handed him the mug without making a comment.

Mark’s eyes widened, and Jackson thought to himself that he looked a bit like an innocent child who didn’t expect a present.

Jackson tried to focus on what the nice voice in the documentary commentary was saying but his brain was still sending him alerts, and his spine did not relax one bit. Mark was silent, his eyes were still red and had not regained a bit of their spark as he sipped the warm drink.

"It wasn’t nothing, huh ?" Jackson blurted out before he could stop himself

Shit. _Jackson, no small talk, remember ?_

Mark sighed, grabbing the pillow behind his back to put it in front of his chest as a mug rest.

"It’s completely stupid…" he mumbled

"I’m ready to bet all my pocket money that it’s not stupid."

Mark chuckled.

"Your pocket money ? What, four bucks ?"

"Excuse you, four bucks are a precious amount of money."

Mark punched Jackson’s shoulder, laughing. It should not have made Jackson’s chest swell with so much pride.

"It’s just…" Mark’s face dimmed again. "My parents called. They can’t find our dog, he hasn’t been home for over a day now. They’re looking for him everywhere but…"

He sniffed again, dropping his head so that his hair would fall over his eyes.

"I just…" he trailed off, his voice sounding shakier by the second. "I can’t go back and help and… I can’t help but… I mean… What if I never see him again, you know, and the last time I hugged him, I didn’t know it was the last time ?"

Then, he went silent. Jackson saw his roommate’s hand disappear behind his hair, probably covering his eyes. So, he put his mug down next to his foot, brought his knees up on the couch and scooted closer to Mark. His brain was screaming at him that he was going to get pushed away so strongly that he’d fly out of the window, but his body was moving on his own.

He patted Mark’s shoulder and when his roommate looked up, with cheeks drenched in tears, he patted his own. Jackson’s biggest surprise was not that Mark actually didn’t skip a beat and dropped his head on Jackson’s shoulder… it was that as soon as they came in contact with each other, Mark started sobbing, loudly, without hiding his face or covering his mouth. Jackson’s heart felt like it had just been ripped apart like a useless piece of paper. He pulled Mark closer and rubbed his back as he let him cry.

In more ways than one, him and Mark were similar people. He knew that already, but it went far beyond speaking the same languages and pursuing a passion for sports. They shared at least some degree of the same pain. They were away from home, away from their families —or at least from their loved ones. Jackson didn’t know yet if Mark had made many friends in the year that he had been in Korea already, but he never mentioned anyone or went out without Jackson. If there ever was one candidate for someone Jackson could relate to, for the first time in his life, maybe it could be Mark ?

He wasn’t a kid anymore, he shouldn’t think this way… It was dangerous and only led to false hopes and completely preventable feelings of betrayal. Jackson should be his own best friend, his mother had said, and as such he had to stop himself from falling into the traps that life put on the road to test him.

But… Mark didn’t seem at all like a bad person. There had been hints that foreshadowed the traps he had previously encountered, that he had purposefully ignored to avoid stirring up conflict. He couldn’t see any hint right now. And it terrified him.

"Thank you…" Mark managed to say when he stopped crying, pulling himself up

Jackson grabbed a box of tissues and handed it out to his roommate, who stayed quiet for a few minutes as he wiped his face.

Should Jackson say something ? "I’m sorry this happened…" ? "I hope they find him…" ?

"It’s not stupid." was what came out of his mouth instead

Mark looked up at him, with questioning eyes. What question were they holding, Jackson couldn’t read it.

"So I’m keeping my four bucks." he joked, to cover up the fact that his face was growing bright red with embarrassment. "I’ll buy you ice cream."

Mark laughed.

"We’re not being very diligent with our diets." he remarked

"Hey, you being happy is more important than you being fit."

Mark smiled bright. Jackson didn’t recall ever seeing him with a grin that wide, only a soft lift of his lips a few times a day. Somehow, without really knowing why, Jackson knew that something had just shifted.

What exactly drove Jackson to confess his lingering worries to Mark ? Was it the aforementioned shift ?

It started while they were out together to buy some basic supplies, pens and notebooks mainly, that they had both realised they were lacking. Jackson found himself wandering around the aisles of the shop, reading all the labels on the items to practice. He ended up in front of a display of textbooks for economics, when the thought crossed his mind again, one that had haunted him for the past two months.

Was he ready ?

Was he not going to drown ?

He was getting comfortable with reading comprehension, but what about oral comprehension ? What if he was slow ? What about all the homophony ? His pronunciation ? His accent ? Would they make fun of him, like people did so often before ? They would, he was sure they would, but could he handle it now ?

"Jackson, that’s the wrong aisle."

Jackson almost jumped when he saw Mark’s face appear from the corner of his eyes.

"Oh…" he stammered. "You’re right."

Mark frowned, following him closely with his eyes as Jackson looked around the names of the aisles to find one where he might find some useful stuff.

"You’re stressed about next week, aren’t you ?" Mark suddenly blurted out at the same time that Jackson found the binders aisle

"Huh ?" he elegantly replied

By ‘next week’, Mark was referring to the first day of school. And now that Jackson thought about it, the two of them had sort of fallen into a routine of speaking a mixture of English and Mandarin, switching to Korean only when they had to buy or order things, would that be a liability for them on campus ?

"I’m not stressed at all." he lied

"Sure. Is that why you have two dictionaries in your basket ? Isn’t one enough ? Or just a translation app on your phone ?"

Admittedly, Jackson had no good explanation for that. He had seen the dictionaries at the entrance and his brain had provided the very useful thought of ‘’everyone needs a dictionary’’ so he had grabbed two. The logic was non-existent. Okay, maybe he was stressed.

"You know, you won’t be the only foreign student there."

"You’re a year above me."

"I’m not the only other foreign student in that school, Jackson."

"Who says that ?"

"The fact that it’s one of the top universities on this side of the planet ?"

How did Jackson even get in again ? It made no sense. It was probably only because they saw his championship title. The other students would pretty quickly put two and two together and realise he didn’t have what it takes to be there.

Jackson sighed and let his back fall against the shelf that displayed binders of every size and colour.

"They’re gonna eat me alive." he said out loud

Mark huffed.

"Uni students are over-caffeinated ticking bombs of academic stress, what makes you think they’ll even have the strength to go after you ?"

"Well they’re all gonna avoid me anyway as soon as I open my mouth."

"Shut up, it’s the stress talking."

Mark grabbed the basket from Jackson’s hands and threw a few large size binders in it, then pushed Jackson towards the next section.

"What if it’s not the stress talking but experience ?’’ Jackson was free-wheeling at this point, his brain-to-mouth reflex had clocked out for the day. ‘’What am I even doing here ? What was I thinking, I’m not fluent, I can’t make friends, I’m not that smart, I have Coach Song on my ass, I’m not gonna last one day, why did I even come—"

"Hey." Mark interrupted him, grabbing his arm so he would stop pacing and flailing his arms —oh right, people were watching them, two college kids yelling in English in the middle of the largest selection of pens Jackson had ever seen. " _I’m_ your friend."

Jackson froze.

For a good minute, he just stared at Mark, scanning his face on a hunt for any hint, any foreshadowing.

"Really ?" was the only Jackson could come up with

"Yes, idiot. Now choose your pens before the manager throws us out of here."

Jackson quickly looked at his options. There were far too many, he was quite picky with his pens, he might spend an hour uncapping each one to try out a single dash on the pieces of paper left by the staff.

"You just want me to shut up." he mumbled, making Mark laugh

"As if that would work." the older boy shot back. "If I wanted to shut you up, I would stuff food in your mouth."

"This is not a grocery store, so good luck."

"Jackson. Pens."

It took Jackson a record fifteen minutes to choose four pens. Mark threatened a few times to leave him alone to pay for everything if he didn’t hurry up.

As they lined up to check out, the insidious thought slipped back into the back of Jackson’s head and he zoned out again. Not only was Mark a year above him, they were in different majors, with his luck their buildings would be on opposites sides of campus. He was back at square zero.

_Be your own best friend, Jackson_ , why was he obsessing over the people he hadn’t met yet when he was supposed to be fine on his own ? He still hadn’t learned his lesson, huh ?

"Jackson…" Mark’s voice was surprisingly soft compared to the storm raging in Jackson’s brain. "I can hear you thinking from here, it’s not good for you."

"Thinking is not good for me ?" Jackson repeated, shushing his brain when it provided a very sarcastic _so you’re trying to be funny now ?_

"If you’re thinking about what I think you’re thinking about, then yes."

Jackson blinked a few times. Mark nudged him, as they walked one spot further in the line.

"You know how to use a sword, I’d like to see anyone try to eat you alive."

Jackson burst out laughing, startling their neighbours in line, and almost dropped to the ground with the force of his laughter.

"You know sabres are not _technically_ swords, right ?" he chuckled

"If you know how to use one, you probably know how to use the other. I’d watch out if I were them."

Jackson grinned.

After paying for their items, they agreed to grab some food to bring back to their dorm because both of them were too tired to cook. They only had a few days before the beginning of the school year, and their coaches had been particularly intense because of that. Jackson was starting to suspect that the decision to balance training and lessons was not a popular one.

As they waited for their order, Jackson suddenly remembered a crucial detail. The detail that seemed to have ruined all of his chances to build friendships over the years had been how annoying and pretentious people believed he was. Most of that had to do with one thing : fencing. Or rather the intensity of his goals when it came to fencing. There was one way, maybe, to save himself some time before being swallowed whole by everyone around him.

"Mark." he blurted out, pulling on his roommate’s sleeve to draw his attention away from his phone screen

"Yeah ?"

Jackson bit his lip. Mark was surely going to find him very stupid…

"Could you…" he hesitated, his voice growing smaller by the second. "Could you not say anything about the Olympics ? To the people in uni, I mean."

A flash of confusion brightened Mark’s eyes.

"Erm…" he frowned. "Yeah, sure, no problem… but…"

Jackson was practically sweating now.

"How do you know they won’t find out ?" Mark finished

"I won’t mention it." Jackson replied, simply. "If I qualify then… Then, I’ll see."

Mark crossed his arms around his chest, turning his back to the counter where their food would appear in a matter of minutes.

"Will you not tell them about fencing either ? Should I not mention the training center ? How will you explain your schedule ? You can’t tell them you have a job, they’ll pester you about it and you’ll end up tripping over your own lies."

Jackson shook his head, as if to block out the influx of questions.

"I’m not gonna lie to anyone.’’ he promised. ‘’I’ll just be greedy about details."

Mark nodded. His face bore no more confusion, and no spark of hostility or contempt.

"Alright." was all he said, and then the buzzer that announced their food rang

Jackson barely had time to register the passage of time, he found himself, early in a chilly morning, hopping on a bus behind Mark, headed to university for the first time.

"When do you have to be back ?" Mark asked him, securing two seats at the back

"I don’t know, I need my schedule." Jackson sighed. "Coach Song said if he didn’t see me yet by four I’d be in trouble."

"You’ll make it, I have to be there at five at the latest."

Both of them had already managed to get in two hours of training, waking up before dawn, going together on their daily run and completing a quick strength workout in the small general gym in the basement of the training center.

"Do we know if we have lunch time together today ?" he asked Mark, who had his eyes stuck to the streets that flew past their window, that he probably knew by heart already

"We’ll see."

Jackson had seen pictures of the university, of course, but standing in front of the unedited version was a whole other story. Not that it didn’t look the same, it just felt… scarier. The brochures and the website had put the emphasis on pictures of smiling students in the middle of trees and sunny parks, and the buildings were shot at drone’s height. Jackson was seeing everything from the ground, and it felt like he was standing below a monster wave about to crash over him.

There were already many people there, although it was quite early. Jackson had received a phone call the week before, saying he had to get there a bit before classesto receive his arranged schedule from the dean.

"This way." Mark pulled him along towards a building that looked like a tall cubic disco-ball

Mark waited for him outside of the dean’s office, he had to go after him anyway. Jackson took a big breath and pushed the door after being told to come in by the secretary.

"Ah ! Mister Wang !" he heard, as he felt his entire body temperature fall. "Come in, come in ! It’s a pleasure to meet you in person, finally."

The dean was a man in his fifties, with a large, rectangular smile that looked like it had been drawn in only two dimensions. He was shorter than Jackson —which had become a not-so-common thing now that he was an adult— and a voice that Jackson couldn’t only describe as "an amount of a saccharose that would be banned from a diet like his".

"It’s a pleasure to meet you too, Sir." Jackson answered, in English just like the dean had addressed him

He would have switched to Korean, but if he could save himself the strange looks from people for only a tiny bit longer, he wasn’t going to pass on that opportunity. And this was the dean, the man probably responsible for vetting his acceptance, he just couldn’t prove himself a fraud right from the first ten minutes.

"I have your schedule here." the dean announced, rummaging through the mess of papers on his desk. "Your coach pestered me about you having classes only in the morning, but I couldn’t arrange that so… this is the best we could do."

He handed the piece of paper to Jackson. He felt the colour leave his face.

The schedule was full of holes. He had classes early in the day and then early at night, or three hours smack in the middle of the day, and only one day where he had a full half day of classes.

"Obviously some workshops and additional classes for the semester do not appear, you have to consult the billboards for your class to be informed of those. And they will be compulsory for your final grade." the dean carried on. "For the classes you’ll miss because of your training, I suggest you find reliable classmates to share their notes with you if you don’t want to fall behind for the exams."

Jackson’s blood had turned to ice. He should not have listened to his parents. He shouldn’t have decided to continue his studies, he was going to drown.

Not finding the proper words, because all that would have come out of his mouth was incoherent screaming, Jackson thanked the dean with a bow and took a step back.

"Ah !" the dean added before letting him go. "I saw that video of you on the internet again, I don’t know how fencing works but it looked like you’re pretty good. Don’t hesitate to use our new gym, and mention us if you post it on you social media, mh ?"

"Yessir." Jackson nodded, with a courteous smile, then was out of the door

Mark got up as soon as Jackson came out, to get his own schedule.

Jackson had never tried to look up his own name on the internet, but he should have suspected that the articles about his games would show up. Now, his social media was as dry and impersonal as they came. Jackson had long hesitated to open any public account that his classmates could have access to, but ended up not having a choice because some of the crucial information for classes was only shared on closed group pages. So, to avoid any bad incidents, he had kept the information to the minimum. He only posted pictures when he had to update his profile picture, and tried to make them look as neutral as possible. He didn’t post about his fencing, even when he had won the championship, and never mentioned anything that would give any hints about his likes, his hobbies, his activities… Dry and impersonal.

Was there a chance that his new classmates would look him up ? If they only searched him on social media, he was safe, but if they ever decided to dig further, he had to pray that there were no pictures of his face to erase any doubts that there might be two fencers named Jackson Wang from Hong Kong.

Mark came back not one minute later, staring at his schedule with very judgmental eyes.

"What the hell is this ?" he said, showing Jackson the document that was just as chaotic as his own. "That’s zero effort, right there."

Jackson showed him his. Mark sighed.

"Well, looks like we’re gonna have to stick together against both the school and the coaches."

Jackson felt a pinch in his heart.

_Stick together_ ? What would that mean ?

"Oh !" Mark exclaimed when they got out of the building. "I head there’s another Chinese student."

Jackson frowned.

"Really ? Who ?"

Mark shrugged, pulling him away from the direction he was taking that was apparently not the right one —Jackson was given a map, but it was a drawing, how could he recognise the buildings when they looked like different shapes of Legos that someone had forgotten to paint ?

"I don’t know." Mark answered. "I just heard the secretary say that they’re still waiting for from one more person from Beijing. I just thought they might have told you too."

"Why ? Just cause I’m from China ?"

"Well, who knows, maybe it’s someone you know, didn’t you study in Beijing for a while ?"

Jackson burst out laughing.

"Yeah, in elementary school, Mark." he gave a slight slap on his roommate’s shoulder. "China has the largest population on Earth, Beijing has more than twice the number of people Seoul has, what do you think are the chances it’s someone I know ?"

Mark chuckled, pushing Jackson away.

"Close to zero ?"

Jackson started gesturing wildly in the air to emphasise his point.

"Zero ! Not even regular zero, absolute zero."

There weren’t enough people around them to give them strange looks for yelling in English and laughing like hyenas in the middle of campus, and Jackson was thankful for that. He wanted that memory to not be tainted. Hopefully, he wouldn’t have to regret making that wish.

"Well, I guess if they’re nice, we can make a foreign students squad." Mark concluded

Yeah… Jackson would love that.

Mark escorted Jackson to the building where Jackson had the first item on his schedule, then checked three times that Jackson remembered where they had decided to meet up at noon, and left after wishing him good luck.

As soon as Jackson felt the empty space next to him, the monster wave crashed over him.

He was screwed. He had to speak Korean now. Mark wasn’t there to remind him to breathe, he was on his own to survive. The eyes would be there too, the looks.

_It’s okay, it’s okay_ , he told himself. This was a presentation of the semester and how everything worked, he would probably not be asked to talk, and the chances that someone would talk to him spontaneously were minimal.

"Excuse me, is this Building C ?"

Jackson yelped, almost dropping the papers he was holding.

Behind him, stood a young man, with a face like the moon, bright in a calm and comfortable way. There were something about the way he smiled that made Jackson’s alarm signals cool down.

"Erm…’’ Jackson replied. ‘’I was told it is."

The guy’s eyes lit up, and for a second Jackson thought he was about to comment on his accent, that came out particularly strong in his own opinion.

"Are you here for the music first year presentation ?" the stranger exclaimed —wow, his voice was loud

"Yeah."

"Me too !" the stranger suddenly grabbed Jackson’s arm. "I’m Youngjae, can we go there together, I don’t know anyone and I don’t know where the hall is ?"

Jackson wanted to tell him that he didn’t know shit either, but figured out that’s not what the guy wanted to hear.

"Sure. I’m Jackson."

Still not letting go of Jackson’s arm as they walked inside of the building, Youngjae’s head perked up at those words.

"Jackson?" he repeated. "Where are you from?"

Ouch. The dreaded question.

“Hong Kong.” he answered simply

“Oh wow, that’s cool !” then Youngjae groaned. “I’m really gonna be the only one here who came from a dumb town in the middle of nowhere, huh?”

Jackson could feel the tension in his muscles and his spine grow tenfold by the second. After Mark, what were the odds that he would meet someone else who was nice ? Life was a tricky writer, there had to be some elaborate plan to see if he would fall into the trap head first this time again...

The hall was not as hard to find as Jackson had expected. There were signs with arrows pointing to it, and even if he had been a bit slow to read, Youngjae would have stirred him in the right direction.

Jackson guessed that the class halls in building C were among the smallest on campus, because he had seen much bigger on the brochure pictures. But this was the building wheremost of the artistic courses were hosted, it made sense that they’d have fewer students than the others.

Youngjae did not let go of him, much to his surprise, Jackson was dragged all the way to the middle row —and then to the middle seat of the middle row— by the sleeve of his jacket. He wanted to ask why, but he knew better than to actually say it out loud. No starting conversations, remember ?

As the students poured in, Jackson started counting. Somehow the class managed to be both bigger and smaller than he had expected it to be. It was hard to read anyone’s faces, to guess if they were hostile or friendly, and everyone looked at least a bit lost, so trying to spot foreigners was useless. Two boys who came in together sat down next to him, right as a woman, who was probably part of the school’s administration, also showed up.

The hall was packed. Jackson started to feel an uncomfortable heat all over his body.

“Do you have a pen ?” Youngjae suddenly asked

“Mh? Oh yeah, sure.”

The boy next to him that Jackson didn’t know shot them a look but didn’t say anything.

“Good morning everyone, and welcome.” the woman started. “We’re gonna start with the basics of the things you need to keep in mind to have a smooth and successful semester with us. I trust you all received your schedules already, and those who have arranged schedules already picked them up from the dean’s office. If you haven’t, please do so before noon today.”

Jackson shifted on his seat, earning himself another look from the boy next to him.

He knew there were many reasons for a student to ask for an arranged schedule, but he also hoped that people wouldn’t question him about his. Why ? He wasn’t too sure. He felt a rumble in his gut that whispered to be careful. Or hissed rather than whispered.

The woman went on, explaining how the grades would be counted, what the rules were and how some particular workshops would work. As soon as Jackson heard the words ‘’group projects’’, his breath got trapped in his throat.

That was going to be a trial.

"And one last piece of information before I let you all go to your next schedule…" the woman concluded after over an hour. "This afternoon, the school is officially opening the new, renovated gym, so if your schedule is free, please come and see it for yourselves. There will be many activities there during the year and we have athletes among our ranks who will surely enjoy that space. And there will be snacks, very important."

Ah. The infamous gym. Jackson had already managed to forget about it, even though the dean had mentioned it less than two hours earlier.

"A gym ?" Youngjae laughed next to him. "Will we really have any time to do anything at the gym ?"

Jackson gave him a tight smile.

"Maybe during lunch breaks ?" he said, with a slight tilt of the head

Youngjae laughed louder —yes, they got a look from the two boys sitting next to them. Jackson quickly checked his schedule, and it turned out to be quite light in the afternoon. Maybe he should go see that gym, with Mark if he was available ? After all, their schedule was so full of holes that they should make the most of the facilities, like the dean had suggested.

Youngjae stayed with him on their next schedule, which was their introductory lesson with their first professor. Jackson supposed that it was easier this way, since he didn’t have any time to get to know anyone else so far. After a couple of lectures and lunch breaks, Jackson would probably never see him next to his shoulder again.

Not this lunch break, however.

"Hey !" Youngjae called after him when the class exited the building after their last schedule for the morning. "Are you walking to the cafeteria ?"

Jackson was a bit startled by the smiling face that was still at his side after almost four hours now. He hadn’t expected to really meet someone on his first day.

"Erm yeah, I’m meeting someone." Jackson answered, feeling his shoulders tense up involuntarily

Youngjae’s face fell.

"Oh, I shouldn’t bother you, then."

"No, no !" Jackson quickly grabbed his classmate’s sleeve, then let go of it just as quickly as he realised what he was doing. "Come on, I’ll introduce you."

Youngjae beamed at him. Okay, Jackson could admit that the guy seemed harmless, and even friendly, but he knew better than to let that be his final assessment. Jack had been harmless and friendly too in the first months.

"Yo Mark !" Jackson called in English when he spotted his roommate next to the bench he had insisted they should meet at. "You’ve been waiting long ?"

"Five minutes." the older shrugged before his eyes fell on Youngjae and he switched to Korean. "Hi, I’m Mark."

"I’m Youngjae. Are you from Hong Kong too ?"

Jackson could see his classmate’s eyes shine while looking at his roommate, and Jackson remembered his comment earlier on his small town.

Mark laughed.

"No, I’m from L.A."

Youngjae almost audibly gasped, which earned him a smile from Mark.

"Youngjae’s in my class." Jackson explained, trying to stick to Korean to make sure his classmate wouldn’t feel excluded, even though it was making his fingers shake just thinking about what his pronunciation sounded like. "He can have lunch with us, right ? And then we’ll go check out the gym ?"

"Sure." Mark said, again with a slight shrug. "Let’s go, I’m starving."

"You guys really want to see the gym ?" Youngjae asked as they started following Mark towards the cafeteria

"Yeah." Mark sighed. "They made a whole fuss last year about it, they’ve been renovating it for forever, they’ve spent so much on it, it even made people angry about the noise and the disturbance with the construction works."

Wow Mark was good at Korean, Jackson couldn’t relate to that. Well, it was quite normal, Mark had been there for a whole year already, had followed classes and taken exams, and even validated two semesters well enough to comfortably start his second year. Jackson just had to hope he would have the same luck.

"Wait, you were there last year already ?" Youngjae caught on. "How do you know Jackson ?"

Jackson’s blood froze in his veins. Well. That was a straightforward question.

Mark, however, did not appear phased in the slightest.

"We’re roommates." he said, which was not a lie at all. "We met through someone we both know in town."

"Oh that’s pretty cool !"

Jackson let out the breath he was holding. Was he being a bit too serious about this ? He was dragging Mark into this whole thing, there was no problem about mentioning they practiced sports on the side, most people would assume it was just an intense hobby anyway. He needed to have that conversation with his roommate before this got too uncomfortable for him to keep up with.

As Jackson found out during lunch, Youngjae was quite a curious person. He wouldn’t use the word intrusive, but he knew how to break the ice and hold a conversation without falling into awkward silences. Mark was doing most of the talking however, Jackson wanted to join in but there was a little voice in his head like a reminder flag on his phone that beeped at him to watch his pronunciation.

"Do you have a schedule this afternoon or should we leave after seeing the gym ?" Mark suddenly asked Jackson, towards the end of their meal

Youngjae’s big bright eyes were on both of them, and even though they did not _look_ threatening, Jackson felt a cold shiver run down his neck.

‘"No, there’s a gap in my schedule already." Jackson said, while checking the picture he had taken on his phone of the document —Youngjae frowned at that. "There was a class right after now but they already cancelled it."

‘"Okay, so we can be back at the center before four. My coach has already sent me a text to ask for my schedule."

‘"So that’s why you guys want to check out the gym." Youngjae chuckled, after downing the content of his water bottle. "You guys do sports."

‘"Gotta see what all the fuss is about." was Jackson’s last comment before they agreed to leave the cafeteria

The gym, granted, was enormous. The money they had spent on it absolutely transpired, and the equipment looked also pretty expensive —not that Jackson was an expert, he had only ever purchased fencing gear and not workout machines. It could have been an illusion because they looked brand new, without all the fingerprints of everyone who had ever used them.

There were indoor rooms and even an outdoors track. Jackson wasn’t too sure about whatthe hell he could do there except maybe run a lap or make a few strength training exercises, but he already did that in the morning. He might have to pass on the dean’s offer after all.

There were quite a lot of students and professors that had decided to visit at the same time as them, the place seemed to draw a crowd. Jackson even recognised a few faces from his major —including the two boys who had sat next to him, and who decidedly did not seem impressed by what they were seeing around them.

Pretty quickly, as they were crossing the basketball court, they lost Youngjae. Jackson looked behind his shoulder, and spotted his classmate chatting cheerfully with a group of people, including the aforementioned two boys that kept looking at them in class. Well, it took longer than Jackson thought but he was never seeing the guy again now, for sure.

"So." he quipped, turning back to Mark. "Was all the fuss worth it in the end ?"

Mark grimaced.

"I guess it’s a cool gym ?" his tone sounded just like Jackson’s inner voice as he scanned the equipment around them. "I don’t know why it’s this big though, we only have a basketball team and a swim team, and they’ve never gone really far in competitions."

Jackson nodded.

"Well." he sighed. "At least now I know why the dean wouldn’t shut up about it."

"Yeah, I bet he’d be excited about having an international sports champion training in their very expensive gym."

"International sports champion ?" a loud voice behind them made them jump. "There’s an international sports champion here ?"

Youngjae’s bright face stood in front of them, just when Jackson thought he had moved on to that group not far behind.

Jackson shared a quick look with Mark, whose eyes didn’t seem as assured as they had been earlier about how they met.

"No, I’m just talking in hypotheticals." Mark lied before Jackson could say anything

Shit. Jackson had promised there wouldn’t be no lying involved. He had to talk to Mark alone, before this became a problem too deep to drag themselves out of.

The slight confusion in Youngjae’s eyes washed away as a large smile took over his face.

"Oh !" he chuckled. "I got carried away, sorry."

Then, he looked at Jackson.

"Hey, man. A few guys from our class said we should hang out together this afternoon after our last lecture, to get to know each other a bit, I said I’d invite you too. You in ?"

Jackson’s eyes shot right back to Mark, who rose his eyebrows.

"I thought you didn’t have a class ?" he mouthed, in English

"Arranged schedule." Jackson mouthed back, since he couldn’t see any other explanation for it and then turned back to Youngjae to express a very flattering… "Errrrrrrrrrr…."

He knew he couldn’t. That was not even a question, he had to be back to the training centre at soon as possible to start his daily practice that he could not skip and that would probably last until dinner time. But somehow, he felt a knot tie around his throat just at the thought of telling Youngjae that.

He should have known how to put words on it much earlier, but it had never appeared as clearly as in that exact moment. This was a choice. If Jackson wanted to reach his goal, or at least to have a chance at getting close to it, he had to make choices. It was all on him, and if he failed or made the wrong ones, it was his own responsibility.

Today’s choice : go to the training you _have_ to go to, or skip to foolishly pursue the hope that you could actually make friends this time around.

His father had met all of his friends through his fencing career, and even if he rarely interacted with them, they were all people who understood him and his life. People he could relate to, and who could relate to him. Jackson would have that someday too.

Not this time.

"Sorry…" he pouted. "I have a schedule already, I can’t cancel."

Youngjae’s smile didn’t falter visibly, but the spark in his eyes did change, to something slightly sadder.

"Oh." he said, then beamed. "It’s okay, some other time is fine too !"

Jackson smiled, then watched as his classmate returned to the other group of people.

It was time for Jackson to admit to himself that he just wasn’t someone people kept as their friend. He walked in people’s lives and was out almost as soon, not so much because he wanted to, but because people realised quite quickly that he was not someone they wanted to hold on to. Maybe if he didn’t entertain Youngjae too long, that realisation wouldn’t come to slap him in the face as hard as it did over the years.

And there was another thing that was vital for Jackson to keep in mind, if he wanted to pass the test that life would send his way : that was true for Mark too. Mark was his roommate so it made sense that he would stick around longer, and they were both athletes, but Jackson had to prepare himself for the day Mark would walk out of his life too, as it would probably come as soon as Jackson got used to having him in his life.

"Let’s go." Mark ushered him, after grabbing a handful of leaflets that the staff was handing out

"You came earlier than I expected." Coach Song commented when he saw Jackson come into the room right as the clock struck half past three. "Come on, warm up, you’ll show me your schedule when we’re done."

The other eleven fencers were there, some of them already seemed quite exhausted, which made Jackson’s heart clench. He wasn’t early, he was late. This was the first day since he moved to Korea where he didn’t have a full training schedule, he had to keep his eyes on the others, he couldn’t fall behind.

"Woo." Song called. "You’re up against Jackson, come on."

The training flew by quickly.

Jackson’s muscles felt a bit sore and sleepy for the first hours, since he had been resting them since the morning. They regained their energy later, but Jackson still felt like that was something he couldn’t get used to. Maybe he would have to take up that gym offer, at least on days when he classes until the early afternoon. He had to stay at the right pace throughout the whole day, and could not let his strength go down. It was a dangerous habit.

"What the hell is this ?" Coach Song groaned when Jackson handed him his schedule

The sun had almost fully set, the ugly neon lights of the training center were casting greenish shadows under everyone’s eyes. On Jackson’s coach, they looked particularly unflattering. He looked like a strict and ever-disappointed father.

"It’s the best they could do." Jackson repeated what the dean told him that morning

"My ass. They didn’t even try, what’s this ? Gruyere cheese ? Does it have enough holes or do they want to add some more, there’s room !"

"Some compulsory classes aren’t on the schedule too."

Coach Song almost hissed at that.

"Well then you better know what your priorities are, Jackson. Because this is not the study schedule of an Olympian, remember that."

"Yessir."

Jackson took back the schedule, head hung low, and put it back in his pocket. He had barely started college and he already felt like he’d been kicked towards the exit door.

"Did you not have too many issues with Korean ?" his coach’s asked, his tone suddenly softer

Jackson shook his head.

"I didn’t talk much yet."

Song laughed.

"Playing it safe to test your strength. I guess that’s a strategy."

Well. It wasn’t intentional. Jackson just didn’t want to be singled out on the first day.

Mark came back later than Jackson for the first time since they shared the dorm. His training had been particularly intense, and he crashed on the couch, with his feet up in the air, as soon as he came in.

"Did Song get on your ass ?" he mumbled when he saw Jackson sit down on the armrest next to him

Jackson grimaced.

"Could have been worse." he said

"Good. If he didn’t like it, he should have told you before arranging everything for you to come here."

"I’m starting to think that he was hoping I’d drop out immediately."

Mark let out a laugh that sounded almost more like a bark.

"Counterproductive." he mocked, closing his eyes as if he had decided to sleep like that, with his head hanging down from the couch

Jackson bit his lip.

They still had to talk about what happened back at university. But how ? What if Mark got upset ? Or worse, what if he pretended not to be upset so Jackson wouldn’t feel bad, and that was the first crack in their relationship, that would get wider and wider until it shattered ?

"Mark…" he hesitated

His roommate hummed, but did not open his eyes.

"I’m sorry." Jackson blurted out. "I shouldn’t have asked you to not say anything about the Olympics. I didn’t think you’d have to lie, and I don’t want you to."

Mark opened his eyes, blinking a few times as if he was disorientated. Then, he pushed himself up, with great agility, and spun around so they’d be sitting face to face on opposite sides of the couch. His eyes were big, and when he looked at Jackson, there was no cold wind, which somehow made his spine freeze all the more.

"Okay, then let’s agree on what is okay to say and what is not okay." Mark suggested. "The Olympics, no. What about the training center ? Will you mention the arranged schedule or will you just say you’re skipping."

"No, no." Jackson shook his hands in front of his face. "If I say I’m skipping, they’re immediately gonna put me in a box I don’t want. I can say I have an arranged schedule because I’m in two schools ? As in… I loved fencing too much to give it up ?"

Mark made a face.

"But you came to Korea because you got offered a spot on a team, so you’d just tell the story the other way around ?"

"What do _you_ tell people ?" Jackson countered. "Last year."

"Well I didn’t have many people to talk to, honestly, but I just said I’m in competitive sports. No one asked a follow-up question."

Jackson thought about it for a second. Was he just overthinking all of this ? Should he just say he was a fencer outside of uni, and call it a day ? People’s opinion on fencing was usually not the most positive, so people probably wouldn’t care. He’d gain the reputation as the lame kind of jock, and that was it. Did he really want that, though ?

"Okay !" he exclaimed. "I got it, I got it."

Jackson gestured into the air to make his point clearer.

"We don’t mention the competitions. Not the Olympics or the World Championships. If any qualifying round clashes with classes, we’ll see. We can say that I have an arranged schedule because I practiced fencing very intensely since elementary school, so it would have been a shame to stop, and that my father had a friend who offered to be my coach, which is true."

Jackson almost slapped himself when he realised he had said "we" the whole time, and was about to correct himself when Mark spoke first.

"So we can mention the training center but not the intensity of the competitions ?" he repeated

"For me at least. You can tell them everything you want."

"I have my story already, I told you. People won’t probably care about yours either, don’t worry."

Jackson nodded. As Mark leaned over to grab the leaflets he had been given at the university’s gym, Jackson’s heart stopped for a second.

Mark had said _we_ ?

_So_ we _can mention the training center but not the intensity of the competitions ?_

Before he could stop himself, a grin spread over Jackson’s lips. _Calm down, you idiot, it’s a figure of speech_.

"Yo, what if we made a team ?" Mark’s voice tore Jackson out of his thoughts

His roommate was holding up a colourful leaflet, designed like one of those recruitment posters for middle school art clubs. The title was in English : _Build Your Dream, Make Your Team_. The rest was all in Korean.

"What’s that ?" Jackson frowned, pulling the paper to read closer

"They want students to build sports team to develop the activities of the gym. You could make a fencing team."

Jackson howled with laughter.

"Do you know how lame fencing sounds to people ?" he said breathlessly. "And who’s gonna buy all the gear ? Would you make a gymnastics team ?"

Mark shrugged.

"Why not ? It’d be a practice to see if I really like coaching."

"But isn’t it quite dangerous ? With all the stunts and everything. And what about the equipment, the bars and all ?"

Mark fell back against the couch, pursing his lips and staring at the ceiling with narrowed eyes —his thinking face.

"There has to be something more we can do, not just borrow the workout gear …" he mumbled

Jackson was pretty satisfied with just borrowing the workout gear.

"Is there a sport that doesn’t require too much equipment and that could benefit us in our training without being repetitive ?" Mark enquired

"What do you mean repetitive ?"

"Like… Not another workout or another run."

"Mark, why are you so interested in this ? Our schedule changes everyday and is too different from everyone else’s. Even if we found a sport, we could never make a team, it would be impossible to find a time to practice for everyone. We have the training center, we can’t take more hours off outside of classes."

Mark pouted, crossing his arms.

"I’m sure we’d find a time…" he grumbled childishly

"That’s what I thought too, back in high school when I decided to fit an hour of dance training every day at school. I managed because I had the same schedule every week and classes were the priority, fencing was only four days a week. This is different."

Mark’s face lit up suddenly —Jackson had seen that face before, on someone else whose name he couldn’t remember at that second, but that was well nested in his most crucial memories.

"You were in a dance team ?" Mark pretty much shrieked

Panic washed over Jackson like a cold shower. Fuck. So this was when the wall would crack? After two month, finally, Mark would make fun of him ?

"No, Mark I—" he started to protest

"That’s exactly what we should submit to the school !"

Jackson froze.

What ?

It must have been written all over his face, because Mark shot up from his seat and grabbed Jackson’s shoulders to shake him. His smile was beaming, and in that instant Jackson couldn’t believe he was technically younger than his roommate.

"Jaaaaaack !" he whined. "Let’s ask the dean to set up a dance team !"

Jackson frowned.

"You dance ?"

"Well, I’m a gymnast. We do routines too. I’m sure we’d get many people interested. And ! Dancing takes skills that would really set us apart from our competitors, even in fencing. Think about it for a second, it’s a genius idea."

He gave Jackson an exaggeratedly pointed look, as if he dared him to say he was wrong.

Jackson’s mouth fell open.

He wasn’t wrong. The connexion between dance and gymnastics was pretty natural, but between dance and fencing it existed too. The footwork, the agility, the control over one’s body, the sense of rhythm and contact with others… He really couldn’t say Mark was wrong.

And he _did_ have concerns over his ability to stand out among the other eleven members of his team. Coach Song had spelled it out loud and clear : they might be in the same team, they were rivals when it came to the highest platform on the podium. Especially considering Jackson was training to be good enough to enter the Chinese national team. He had his teammates to outdo, and the entire current generation of fencers in China.

Standing out was not a gimmick. It was not a luxury. It was a necessity.

"Okay, how are we even gonna make this work ?" he sighed, as Mark cheered

"We will. We need to see how many people we can get on board before we plan anything."

And in that moment, Jackson found himself shivering as an icy bite slipped down his spine. He was making a plan with Mark. This was not a group school project, this was a personal endeavour. He was stepping into a dangerous tundra.

The next day, Jackson’s schedule had a huge hole. He had two hours early in the morning, one after lunch, and one in the very late evening.

Coach Song hadn’t told him what to do, just gave him a pointed look. It was Jackson’s call.

Now. There was another issue. Jackson had missed a class the day before. It wasn’t on his arranged schedule, but it was in everyone else’s, and the dean had told him to be careful about that if he didn’t want to fall behind.

Why was Jackson feeling like both the school and his coach were trying to test how long he could pretend like he could really do both things ? They would make him choose, it felt inevitable at this point. He probably had one month, two at the most, to prove he could do it, before his grades dropped beyond salvaging or Song threatened to kick him out of the team. Whether Jackson would manage to not run back to Hong Kong in tears before the end of his first year, was still impossible to predict.

So, if he wanted to prove he could do both, he had to start with figuring out two things : how to fit his training in his awful schedule and how to catch up on the lessons he missed.

For the latter…

Youngjae.

The boy had a distinct loud, full laughter that Jackson had already grown familiar with in a few hours, and that he could already hear as he came in the lecture hall for his first period.

Jackson’s spine felt like it was about to snap in half from the tension.

He had told himself not to entertain the idea of a friendship with Youngjae, to stay as impersonal as possible and even to not interact too often with the guy. But he needed someone to share his notes with him. But that meant explaining himself. And that also meant he would have to depend on Youngjae every single day, that he would put him at the heart of the conditions to his academic success. That sounded like leaving an unattended candle in a powder keg.

Jackson took a deep breath.

_Come on. You can do this._

He didn’t have much of a choice.

"Youngjae !" he called, loud and bright, as he approached the boy who had already chosen his seat. "Happy to see I didn’t hallucinate you yesterday."

Youngjae burst out laughing, pushing his things to give Jackson more space to sit next to him. The boys from the day before were there too, and their eyes fell on Jackson as soon as he plopped on his seat. Cold eyes. There, he knew he’d find familiar ground soon.

"Do you hallucinate people often ?" Youngjae joked

"Yeah, I’m pretty sure Mark is a ghost."

Youngjae laughed even louder. That wasn’t very funny, but Jackson would take it.

"There was a class yesterday, right ?" it was time to get to the point, and Jackson tried his best to maintain his assured tone despite the knot forming in his throat

Youngjae’s eyes filled with confusion.

"Yeah, why weren’t you there ? You told Mark we didn’t have one, I thought you were lying to him so I didn’t say anything."

The two boys next to them were looking at them without even trying to hide. Since they had been with Youngjae at the gym, Jackson could guess that all three of them had spent the last lecture together, or had grown to know each other better during the get-together at the end of the day. And that the two boys had already noticed Jackson had missed a class.

Judging by their eyes, he also knew what they thought of him.

"Okay, first of all, I wasn’t lying.’" Jackson defended himself. "I would never lie to Mark, I don’t want to die. Second of all, I didn’t miss the class because I was skipping, I have an arranged schedule."

Fake it till you make it, right ? Jackson’s fight or flight response was currently shrieking in his brain, he felt his chest clench and his lungs ache. However, he maintained his nonchalant, sort of slouched posture. His pronunciation was probably very bad too, but he was speaking confidently, as if it didn’t matter whether people could understand him or not.

Jackson took out his schedule to show Youngjae. His classmate’s mouth fell.

"Wow, how did you get one of these ?" he exclaimed

Jackson saw the other two boys lean over a bit, trying to glance at the schedule without getting too close.

"Mark and I do sports on the side." Jackson said, and the knot in his throat grew so tight it became suffocating. "The dean said to find someone to help us with the classes we’d miss."

Okay. Now was the toughest part.

Jackson pushed himself up, facing Youngjae upfront. There were two ways to do this : ask humbly and pray for the best, or go all out. Jackson’s brain was reeling, going a thousand miles an hour. He had no idea what force was moving his body and his mouth.

He planted his elbows in front of Youngjae, resting his face on his hands and giving his classmate the most outrageous puppy dog eyes in the history of puppy dog eyes.

"Can you help me please ?" he whined

Youngjae fell over, laughing so loudly that they had now drawn the attention of half of the people in the room. The two other boys’ eyes were not even cold anymore. They were icy.

But Jackson would fend off the blizzard later.

Youngjae got back on his seat, clutching his stomach and gestured at Jackson.

"Give me your number." he chuckled. "What planet are you from ?"

"It’s not in this galaxy." Jackson replied before handing out his phone

After exchanging numbers, and Youngjae telling him he would send him his notes later, the professor finally came in and the eyes moved away from Jackson.

The knot finally dissolved, and Jackson felt his breathing turn shallow.

What the hell had he done ?

Okay, the mission was successful, but… what the hell ? There was surely another way to get what he needed without being flagged by every single person in their major, especially those two boys that Jackson had a feeling he would bump into quite often.

_Be your own best friend. You don’t need anyone else._

He would be more careful from now on. He had already come to terms with the fact that he wasn’t going to make friends, but he needed to work harder on his resolution to not draw attention to himself, and not earn the same reputation he had back in Hong Kong.

Easier said than done. Every resolution came with a test.

This time, it came quicker than Jackson could anticipate.

He had a free hour before his next lecture. He had decided that he would come back to the training center before lunch time and then return for his evening class. But that still left him with one hour to kill. Mark wasn’t free, so Jackson had decided to go to the gym to squeeze in a quick workout if possible. It had been three hours since he had last exercised, he couldn’t fall behind.

He was striding through campus, when a loud voice made him spin around suddenly.

"Jackson ! Hey, where are you going ?"

Youngjae was walking a few metres behind him, followed by the two boys with cold gazes.

_To the gym_ , was what Jackson’s brain was telling him to answer, but his mouth was quicker.

"Erm, nowhere, why ?"

_Idiot_.

He would never learn.

Youngjae jogged up to him, the other two not far behind. His smile was still the brightest, that gave no indication of whether he could see Jackson’s internal self-scolding.

"Let’s hang out then." his classmate said, grabbing his arm and pulling him towards the other two

Shit. He didn’t think he would have to face the blizzard just now.

He forced a smile and let Youngjae bring him along. Now that he could have a better look at the two boys, they made an odd duo. One was broad, with dark, impenetrable eyes. He looked vaguely threatening but not in an aggressive way, he seemed calm and stone-faced like a pool of liquid that seemed peaceful until it came into contact with the wrong element, and then there’d be an explosion.

The second guy, slightly taller than the first, was not anything close to stone or water —resting bitch face aside. There was fire in his eyes that Jackson could see, not from anger, but from something Jackson couldn’t name. It seemed to be there all the time, a small flame that wavered softly in the wind but that could probably set fire to the whole forest if the circumstances were right.

For some reason, Jackson felt a shiver run down his spine.

"I got him, he’s not gonna run away this time." Youngjae laughed when he finally brought Jackson to the group. "This is Jackson, from Hong Kong."

Jackson gave a tight smile and a nod of the head as a greeting. The boys’ faces didn’t light up or relax. Jackson felt the cold bite of the wind burn his cheeks.

"Hong Kong ?" the stone-faced guy repeated, raising his eyebrows. "How long have you been in Korea ?"

Jackson pursed his lips, counting mentally. He knew the answer, what was he doing ?

_Idiot_.

"Two months." he answered, making an effort to pronounce more clearly since the unwavering gaze of the two boys was already making him sweat. "I moved after graduation."

The fire guy’s eyes widened. Okay, at least Jackson wouldn’t have to face two poker faces for an hour.

"Jackson speaks English !" Youngjae exclaimed suddenly, giving him a smack on the chest

"Ow."

"Everyone speaks English nowadays, Youngjae." fire guy replied with an amount of snark that would surely haunt Jackson’s nightmares from that day onward

Stone-faced guy sent fire guy an incredulous look.

"Except JB apparently." fire guy shrugged

Okay so JB was the name of the first guy.

"Yeah but Jackson’s roommate is American." Youngjae insisted. "And they do sports."

Jackson threw him a baffled look. Was he just going to introduce all the information he had on him ? Jackson had barely spoken two words so far.

"Really ?" JB picked up before Jackson could open his mouth. "What sports ?"

Was this an audition process ? Their gazes were scanning him and the way Youngjae was speaking almost felt like a sales pitch. Wait, was it ? Were they assessing whether they wanted him in the group ? Oh, was there even a group, technically ? Was Jackson overthinking again ?

"Fencing." Jackson replied, feeling suddenly like he was three miles underwater. "Not Mark, he does gymnastics."

Youngjae’s eyes lit up, but as he expected, the others didn’t seem to think much of it. Fencing was a lame sport, the one people usually used as a bathroom break during Olympics broadcasts or just skipped all-together. Athletics, gymnastics, swimming… those were the star sports. Maybe Jackson was in luck after all.

"Do you have a video ?" Youngjae shook his arm enthusiastically

Jackson chuckled.

"I don’t record myself when I play."

"No one takes videos for you ?" fire guy —Jackson shouldn’t wait for someone to randomly call his name, he should probably ask— made a face and Jackson couldn’t tell if he was being sympathetic or mocking

Well. If Jackson was honest… his parents did sometimes, but most of the time they were too focused on cheering him on. They kept the memory by recording the broadcast when there was one, or by taking pictures if Jackson won a medal.

"It’s not that interesting to watch, honestly." Jackson shrugged

"But I wanna see !" Youngjae cheered

Should Jackson show a video of his fencing, _really_ ? He would have to look it up, from a broadcast… Life was really trying to test his resolutions, huh ? It was pushing him in a corner.

_You were the one who wanted to hide, you even dragged Mark into it. Now what_?

Jackson pulled out his phone. Maybe he could find an old one, maybe one where he was very young ? Or one where he lost ? People didn’t know the rules of fencing, so there was no way to tell if he was good or not. His face was covered too. At least, that would show that the arranged schedule wasn’t the whim of a spoiled child.

He typed _Jackson Wang Junior Asia Championship_. Some of the results came up in Mandarin. If the commentary was in Mandarin too then Jackson was safe.

He clicked on one of the videos and put his phone between him and Youngjae. The other two leaned over too.

The commentary _was_ in Mandarin. Jackson’s heart clenched suddenly. It had been months since he had last heard the language. His throat felt tight.

His classmates stared at the screen, where Jackson and his adversary were doing the routine introductory moves.

"Which one are you ?" JB asked

Jackson pointed.

"With the red and yellow logo on the leg, for China." he explained

Just as he said that, the version of him on screen threw himself forward and the buzzer blared a few seconds later. The commentator cracked a joke, and Jackson couldn’t refrain the chuckle that passed his lips. His eyes were burning.

He went to wipe the tears that were welling up in his eyes, when his gaze met fire guy’s.

He froze.

They held each other’s gaze for a long second. The flame in the guy’s eyes was faint, and he didn’t make any comment. Somehow, that made Jackson want to erase the memory from his classmate’s brain even more, because he knew that he was storing the information for later.

He had to watch out for this guy… And learn his name.

"Wow, there’s so many people in the audience." Youngjae commented. "What competition was this ?"

That made Jackson look away from fire guy, but the tightness in his lungs did not subside.

He checked the screen to see if the name appeared on the stands but there was only the championship logo and the year. There was a chance he wouldn’t be caught lying.

"Just a local thing."

There was no follow up question.

Just like Mark had said.

The Jackson on screen did one more move, then the referee called the end of the match. Jackson watched himself throw his fists in the air, then shake his opponent’s hand and walk off screen while the commentators gave their conclusive thoughts on the round, assessing Jackson’s chances to place on the podium. It was surreal.

"Did you win ?" JB asked, moving away from the phone when the video ended

"Yeah." Jackson replied, keeping his voice steady and his eyes away from the guy whose name he still didn’t know. "It was a pretty good day."

"You’re so fast, I can’t understand anything, that’s so cool." Youngjae said while Jackson put his phone back in his pocket

Jackson dropped his head, trying to hide his face that was starting to flame up. His lips were stretching dangerously too, so Jackson wiped his mouth to cover it and took a deep breath, cooling down his body temperature.

_Don’t get excited._

But before Jackson could thank his classmate, JB —who was way more talkative than Jackson had expected him to be— threw him another question.

"Have you been doing it long ?"

Jackson blinked a few times. Wait… Was that the follow up question he thought he had dodged ? Shouldn’t they be moving to a different topic ? Maybe fire guy’s name, that would be a good place to start.

"Erm…" he hesitated. "Since elementary school."

Suddenly, he was faced with three pairs of wide, blinking eyes.

Was it that shocking ?

His classmates shared a look between the three of them, as if silently communicating behind a curtain he was on the other side of.

Jackson felt his blood turn to ice.

What was going on… ?

"Oh _elementary school_ , sorry !" Youngjae suddenly exclaimed, clapping his hands together

Jackson frowned, watching the confusion wash away from their faces.

Then, it hit him.

He had mispronounced a word so badly that they hadn’t even understood what he was trying to say.

He felt the colour leave his face. If his blood had turned to ice before, now his skin felt colder than the Arctic ocean. One wrong move and his veins would snap like tiny icicles hanging from the roof of the bus stop that kids liked to pick to fight the boredom.

He wasn’t ready to fend off the blizzard. He should have known that.

And as if to hammer the nail further down the edges of Jackson’s ice coffin, his eyes met fire guy’s again.

Finding a flame in the blizzard should be a blessing, just like finding a glass of water in scorching heat. But it wasn’t, because although Jackson was used to the cold, he was face to face with a different type of danger right now. One he couldn’t decipher, but that Jackson knew was far greater than anything he had ever fought before.

After his last lecture of the morning, Jackson ran out of the hall.

He managed to text Youngjae that he had a training session to get to before his coach murdered him and that he couldn’t have lunch with him and the other two. That wasn’t the whole truth, he had plenty of time to get to the training center but he’d rather not spend a second longer feeling like he was drowning in a pool of fire.

He hadn’t squeezed in that workout earlier, so he had to make up for it. He was wearing the clothes he would have to change back into for his last class, so he couldn’t get out of the bus earlier and run to the center. He had to settle for an impeccable performance during his practice. If Coach Song didn’t notice anything, then he was clear.

Song did not notice.

Jackson’s feet were quick, his legs agile, his gestures deliberate and his head cool. The session lasted hours, and when Song blew his whistle to announce they were done, Jackson’s muscles gave out. His knees hit the ground, and everything came crashing right back down.

He still had to go to class. He wasn’t done for the day. He wasn’t done for the _year_. Life didn’t put a blizzard in his path this time, he had to get to the other side of an entire continent of ice, without a map or compass.

"Jackson, you good ?" Song chuckled

"Yup, peachy."

Jackson got up. This was only his second day. He had to do this, for his parents, especially his mom who wouldn’t sleep peacefully at night if he gave up. She wanted him to get a university degree, so he would.

So, Jackson took the bus and went to his last lecture. It was pretty dark already, he had no strength left in his arms and legs, so he drew up his hood and sat down in silence while the professor talked about equal temperament.

Youngjae probably noticed his eyes looking dull, because he nudged him slightly and sent him a beaming smile.

Jackson couldn’t help it, he smiled back. The energy went up in his muscles, he even felt his back straightening up a little.

When he pushed the door of the dorm he shared with Mark that night, Jackson’s head was spinning because of the storm raging inside his brain. He wasn’t pondering about temperaments, as he probably should have been. He still couldn’t get that flame out of his head.

"Yo." was Mark’s greeting

He was eating a yoghurt on the couch, watching some movie Jackson couldn’t recognise.

Jackson dropped his bag and walked up to the couch, crawling up and curling up into a ball with his hood drawn up. He wanted to sleep. He wanted his mind to go blank for just a moment, please.

Mark had other plans apparently.

"So, about the dance thing, I talked to some people. Are you still in ?"

Jackson groaned. It made Mark laugh.

"I told you…" Jackson mumbled without opening his eyes. "I want to see how we can fit it in our schedules first."

"I haven’t figured that out yet but I talked to the gym staff to see how it works for coaches and stuff like that. The gym is half privately-owned apparently, not sure what it means but they told me the new teams can be coached by a professor like the old ones, or by a qualified student."

Mark was relentless. It was closer to midnight than anyone’s regular dinner time, how could he still make a coherent speech ? In Jackson’s brain, Mark’s words — though in English— managed to sound like a language he didn’t know. Since his roommate was so determined to get his point across, Jackson decided to open his eyes. At least that wouldn’t encourage the drowsiness to swallow him.

"So." Mark said, bouncing excitedly on the couch. "How about we co-captain the team ? I can test out my coaching skills and you are the only one who’s been in a dance team before, so you know how things work."

Jackson shook his head, sinking further down the couch to the point where you’d be quite skilled if you could make out where his body ended and the furniture started.

"It wasn’t a competitive team." he whined. "It was literally a bunch of high schoolers learning some vaguely synchronised dance moves for one hour then we called it a day. I’m not even good at it, can’t we just make a duo instead ? It’ll be easier to coordinate our schedules."

"Jackson…" Mark sighed heavily

A pillow hit Jackson’s face. Startled, he shot up from his seat. Mark was staring at him with a frown that belonged in an elementary school playground, not in serious adult conversation.

(Not that they were having a serious adult conversation).

"Okay…" Jackson gave up, dropping back on the couch —he was too exhausted to argue. "I’m in. Let’s co-captain. You handle the schedules though, since it’s your idea."

Mark cheered, grabbing the pillow he had thrown at Jackson’s face and using it like a cheerleading pompom. Jackson drew the strings of his hoodie to cover his face completely.

"You have to help me to get the word out, though." Mark warned

"Me ? I can’t even speak Korean correctly, people are gonna look for the Tetris competitive team because they’ll think that’s what I asked them to join."

"You can rehearse a speech. I’ll go ask tomorrow if we can schedule an introduction meeting. Send me your schedule for Mondays."

Jackson hummed as a response. His brain should switch on all the sirens, blaring full force, warning him that he should be careful with building things with Mark. Fallouts do more damage when there are towers around, ready to crumble. An earthquake in a flat desert is just a fleeting moment, unpleasant but inconsequential.

However, Jackson’s brain was focused on a different issue. A different image.

A flame.

"Mark ?" he mumbled. "Do you think it’s possible for someone to hate you if they’ve only spoken to you for a second ?"

Mark didn’t respond for a second. Jackson began wondering if his roommate had moved to a different room, when he heard his voice behind him.

"As in, they got a bad vibe ?"

Jackson hummed.

"That or they can see right through you just by looking into your eyes ?"

"Why are you even thinking about things like that ?"

Should Jackson tell him ? Should he seek advice, or reassurance maybe ? That was a thing friends did. Was Mark his friend ?

"I don’t think my classmates like me very much." Jackson’s words were so muffled by the fabric of his hoodie that it was a miracle Mark understood what he was saying

"You haven’t even spent a full day with them yet, how can you tell ?"

Good question. It was more of a deduction than a scientific demonstration. He could tell by the feeling. When he was in class, his lungs were clenched tight, his spine was so tense that he had to stretch regularly to avoid lasting pain, and everything was so cold.

Jackson had promised himself it would be different this time. He wouldn’t get a repeat of what he had experienced since elementary school, this was meant to be a fresh start, abroad where no one knew him.

So far, he was failing.

Youngjae kept his promise. He sent Jackson every note he had from the classes he had missed.

Jackson shouldn’t have frozen and stared at his phone, scrolling through the pictures as if to check that he wasn’t imagining them, but he did.

_Don’t get ahead of yourself_ , he reminded himself. He had a bad experience previously with someone he had always been able to rely on to print some assignments, and who failed him on the most crucial one they were ever given, then had only told him ‘’what ? we never agreed to anything.’’ despite the fact that Jackson had the proof in text messages.

_Yeah. Don’t get ahead of yourself_.

Ah. Also. Fire guy’s name was Jinyoung.

Jackson found out in passing, when Youngjae asked if he wanted to eat with him and their two classmates.

The rest of the week went by, Youngjae sent Jackson his notes, Jackson ran out of the lecture hall every day to get back to the training center, and he avoided Jinyoung’s eyes when they stood in the same place. Mark was relentless too, about his dance team idea.

He had obtained a date for a meeting for anyone interested in joining the team, the following week on Monday, and now he was trying to get the word out. He asked Jackson to help, but to be perfectly honest, he was out of his comfort zone. Who the hell could he ask ?

"Oh no thank you, I don’t think I’ll have any time." Youngjae had answered with a sad face

That had been Jackson’s only attempt so far. Should he stop the students he walked by to ask ? Wouldn’t they think ill of him ? After all, they probably didn’t want to be bothered by a complete stranger with a weird accent.

The thoughts were racing through his head as his feet hit the ground repeatedly, running.

Jackson had anticipated this time. Since his schedule was so messy that day, with classes smack in the middle of the day, cutting his possibilities in half, he decided to do his strength training at the gym. He brought a change of clothes in his bag, and decided to run from the training center all the way to campus. It was a pretty intense run, but Jackson had spotted a place to grab a good breakfast from that he wanted to check out, so that would give him a break in the middle.

Now, he was running a lap across campus, to get to the gym. It was quite early, there weren’t many people to stare at him.

He was out of breath.

He probably should reconsider doing this every week, he had been running for so long now, carrying a bag and his breakfast too. His face was red and sweaty, he couldn’t even feel his brain thinking anymore, his head was numb from the heat and pounding relentlessly.

He almost tripped, and slowed down finally. His gait was shaky. He was too weak, that should have been a piece of cake for someone in Olympian shape, he was already falling behind. He couldn’t let that happen. He had to find slots to squeeze his strength training on the daily.

Maybe he should tell Mark he had changed his mind…

But his roommate was right. Developing certain skills through a different sport might make him stand out and give him a better shot at his competitive goals. Or maybe it was a wishful waste of time.

Jackson checked quickly if there was no one around, and slipped out of his soaked T-shirt. The only thing his brain was able to focus on was the fabric sticking uncomfortably to his skin, but Jackson needed his thoughts clear right now. He needed to find a solution.

He couldn’t disappoint Mark at this point. Changing his mind had consequences. Mark would get angry at him and say that Jackson had lead him on then abandoned him to lift all the weight by himself. There would be a big argument, maybe a fight, and then they would have to carry on living together and going to the same school. Jackson would suffocate.

Mark’s gaze hadn’t turned cold _once_ so far. Jackson wasn’t ready to change that.

As he walked a few steps, to catch his breath, he caught sight of a duo of familiar jackets.

The blizzard had found him again, alone and without a single layer of protection.

JB and Jinyoung were chatting around a book that JB was holding between the both of them. Jinyoung was gesturing and pointing wildly at the pages, as if he was arguing about their content. They were walking this way.

Jackson froze.

Should he turn around ?

Should he give up on the gym ? Or find a different way to get to it ?

Or should he put his shirt back on and greet them ?

The fabric in his hands was wet and cold, Jackson recoiled, almost throwing it to the ground. How the hell could he put this back on ? He should have brought a second change of clothes, he should have known that the run wouldn’t leave his T-shirt in a good condition for strength training.

He almost roared in frustration.

He must have made a noise, though, because the next thing he knew was that his eyes fell on a flame. Jinyoung was staring at him, and the look on his face translated to anything but excitement at the idea of meeting Jackson at this hour.

Jackson’s heart skipped a beat.

What should he do ?

If he ran away… then they would blow his cover. They would know something was wrong with him. But he couldn’t just go up to them, right ? He was supposed to go to the gym, he couldn’t hang around in the blizzard without even changing his clothes just avoid suspicions ?

_The dance team._

Ah. Yes. There was one thing he could do.

Jackson took a deep breath, that burned through his trachea all the way to fill his lungs with fire.

He put his soaked T-shirt over his shoulder, grabbed his bag and jogged up to his two classmates, putting on the best smile he could manage.

"Hey !" he greeted them from a distance. "You guys are here early."

He clearly saw their eyes travel down. He was doing his best to cover up his chest with his bag, but it was probably impossible to give the illusion that he was wearing anything.

If Jackson had to find a word to describe the look on their faces, it wouldn’t be one with a positive connotation. Baffled, maybe ?

"Erm…" JB replied after a while, not looking in the general direction of Jackson’s face but not quite exactly looking _at_ him. "We live on campus. The weather was good for a walk ?"

Jackson looked at the overcast sky. It was fall, it wasn’t cold yet but the scenery was pretty stunning. Jackson noticed Jinyoung was carrying a back that looked like it contained quite a heavy and expensive camera.

Jinyoung who was still staring at Jackson as if he couldn’t comprehend his very existence. The way people looked at square fruits and preposterous ice cream flavours. Or perhaps Jackson was reading too much into it.

He decided to only look at JB for the remainder of the conversation.

"Do you guys want to join a dance team ?" he asked, with no preamble

JB frowned.

"That’s… not a something I thought I’d hear you say."

Well, Jackson wasn’t quite sure what that was supposed to mean. Did he look _that_ much like a jock ?

"It’s Mark’s idea." he shrugged. "My roommate. I’m only here for advertisement purposes."

"Is that why you’re shirtless ?"

That sharp, cutting voice was not JB’s.

Jackson bit his tongue.

_Don’t look at him._

He forced a smile and drew his bag closer to his chest to cover more of it.

"Of course not." he mumbled. "That’s a coincidence."

"Really ?" Jinyoung’s voice was quick to continue. "It’s a pretty common marketing strategy though."

Jackson breathed deeply through his nose.

And made a mistake.

He looked at Jinyoung.

His classmate had a strange smirk on his lips. It was vaguely threatening, but whether it was a slap in the face with a hot iron or with an icy snowball, he couldn’t say.

"So I should use it more often, is what you’re saying ?" Jackson countered, raising his eyebrows and slightly lifting up the shirt over his shoulder as if threatening to show his bare chest

"No, no." JB interrupted, waving his hands in front of Jackson as if trying to stop him from moving any further. "Thank you for the offer but I think we’re gonna be too busy with some things to join a dance team. Good luck to you and your roommate though."

Jackson held Jinyoung’s gaze. It was hard to read, but Jackson was damned if he would let that get to him.

He had faced different kinds of assholes. Bullies, people mocking him for his accent or language skills, people who worked for his trust and then dropped him fifty feet above the ground, people who didn’t believe he would go anywhere, and also your regular jerk in the street or the grocery store who yelled at the cashier.

Jinyoung was nothing. Jackson shouldn’t let that guy get inside his head, he shouldn’t run away from him, shouldn’t avoid his gaze. When Jackson would stand in the middle of an Olympic stadium, waving the red flag of China, people like Jinyoung would be the last thing on his mind.

But that flame… Why was it so unfamiliar ?

_No, don’t think too much about that. Let it be._

He was curious about the pair, but he knew better than to ask questions. If there was any information he was meant to uncover, it would find its way to him.

He gave them a two-fingers salute and left them where they were, resuming his walk to the gym.

_You’re the only one who will never let you down_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was writing pretty fast so I thought I'd update now, I'll probably post the rest of part 1 when I'm done with part 2.


	3. Part One (2)

Monday came much quicker than Jackson wanted it to.

The weekend felt like a tear in the suffocating blanket Jackson was trapped into. He didn’t see anyone from school, didn’t face any blizzard —his teammates were a different story, there was nothing warm about them but the hostility could be dealt with more easily by striking each other with sabres— and only fenced, fenced, fenced.

It was almost like being back to the two months after he had moved. His energy was always at the maximum, his muscles didn’t fail him once and his brain wasn’t clouded. He was in his element.

"Jackson !" Coach Song called after him when he took his leave on Sunday evening. "Don’t forget. First competition on the first."

Ah yes.

It was bound to happen soon.

On the first of the following month, Jackson would have to compete in his first qualifying round —one of many— for World Championships. He had to reach a certain level before attracting the judges of the national team.

The competition fell on a school day.

Wonderful.

He had to figure that out.

"Will you tell your classmates why you’re skipping ?" Mark asked when they talked about it that same evening

Jackson didn’t know yet. It was university, no one asked him to justify anything as long as there wasn’t a compulsory workshop —and those for next month wouldn’t be announced for another week or two— but he still had to tell Youngjae to send him more notes.

But for now, there was an immediate challenge that was much more pressing.

Because he was currently standing in the middle of the basketball court of the school gym, on Monday at lunchtime, looking at the students who had gathered there for Mark’s information meeting.

There were maybe a bit more than twenty people ? Jackson and Mark had talked about it at length over the weekend, and they were watching from the side of the court, waiting for the clock to display the exact time that Mark had set to start the meeting.

Jackson knew what he had to say, but his blood had turned to ice.

What if he mispronounced a word ? Mark would introduce as his co-captain, would they take him seriously if he made a mistake ? If he mixed two words, if he failed on a basic grammar rule ? If his accent was too strong ?

He felt Mark’s hand on his shoulder.

"The Chinese student is supposed to be here, by the way." his roommate said, as if that was the piece of information that would make Jackson’s heart slow down

Jackson frowned.

"The Chinese student ?"

"Yeah, remember, I told you I heard there was someone from Beijing. Her name is Faith if I heard correctly."

Jackson’s frown deepened.

"Faith ?" he repeated, high pitched

"Something like that, I could be wrong."

Jackson didn’t want to point out that it didn’t sound very Chinese, but he went by Jackson so he had no room to talk.

However, Mark’s words seemed to have the desired effect, because Jackson pushed the thoughts of his speech aside for a second and started scanning the faces across the room, searching for who Faith could be.

Mark laughed. He put his hands around Jackson’s head and turned it in the opposite direction. He pointed at a small group of people.

"It’s her."

There was a girl with her back to them, who was talking to two boys. She looked athletic,dressed in all-black with her hair drawn in a tight ponytail. Jackson couldn’t see her face but from her posture, he could tell that she meant business. Her arms were crossed on her chest, her feet firmly planted on the ground. Jackson doubted she would the type of person he would get along with. She looked like she might eat him alive.

"Okay everyone !" Mark called, clapping his hands above his head. "Let’s gather up, we got a lot to talk about."

Everyone stopped chatting and started moving towards Mark.

That’s when the girl turned around, and Jackson saw her face.

He froze.

Jackson had always wondered why movies made flashbacks look so intense, like all the shots of your life flew by fast-forward until a specific scene that seemed to explain everything about the situation you were in at the moment.

Now Jackson understood.

Because he was suddenly not in the gym anymore, not in Seoul, not in Korea. He was in a small elementary school in Beijing, with a red banner at the entrance and a sand-pit in the making. He was sitting under a dirty plastic rain roof, looking down at his hands, with tears threatening to fall from his eyes. And there was someone next to him.

He was in a classroom of that same elementary school. He couldn’t breathe, his head was reeling and he didn’t know where to look, what to say, what to do… And he locked eyes with someone.

Someone whose name had been completely lost in a corner of his memory until now. But a name he had uttered while he was fighting through his first blizzard.

"Liu Fei ?" he pretty much yelled, his voice almost as high pitched as it had been when he was in elementary school

All the eyes in the room suddenly converged towards him, wide open and startled. Even Mark was now staring at him like he had grown a head on top of his preexisting head.

The girl looked up, her gaze met Jackson’s. She froze.

"Jackson ?" she exclaimed, her face lighting up

How did she recognise him, Jackson had no idea. How did he recognise her ? Those eyes. He couldn’t forget those eyes.

He had looked into them when she was the only one to raise her hand to name the person who had started the vicious nicknames thrown at him. He had looked into them again when he had heard another name being called by the person he thought was his best friend. He had never seen eyes like that ever, not before and not after.

Unreadable, but not cold. The eyes that take in every detail, without commenting on them, the eyes that never missed a thing and that saw right through every surface.

Jackson was about to say something, to persuade the stares to fade away and people to focus on Mark instead, but he was hit by the strength of a running body.

He froze, realising there was someone in his arms, squeezing him tightly for a brief but overwhelming moment.

Fei let go of him and stared at him with wide eyes.

"What the hell ?" she said, in Mandarin. "What are you doing here ?"

Jackson’s heart clenched, hearing the language he had fought so hard to learn as a kid. He felt tears almost well up in his eyes, but he managed to shake himself before they’d show.

"I could ask the same thing…" he replied, very eloquently

He hadn’t spoken Mandarin in… oh wow he didn’t even remember. It was probably during one of his last competitions, a few brief words uttered here and there. He mainly heard it, almost never spoke it.

"Jackson." Mark nudged him. "Later."

Ah yes, right. The meeting. The dance team.

He rubbed his eyes and stood next to his roommate, sending Fei a sign that they would talk later.

He had to force himself not to glance at her the whole time. Maybe he shouldn’t have joked about hallucinating people. Or about the chances of knowing someone from Beijing being zero.

_What the hell_.

Mark was explaining how they would hold auditions to choose who could make the team, since it would be pretty hard to coordinate the schedules of twenty people, they had to start small. He also mentioned that they weren’t a competitive team yet, but that if they had anything solid, they wouldn’t hesitate to apply for showcases and competitions.

Then, he turned to Jackson.

Jackson swallowed thickly.

His speech.

He glanced at Fei, who was standing on the side. She gave him a quick smile.

He couldn’t make a bad impression. She had only seen him at the very bottom, lonely, scared, crying… if he showed that he hadn’t changed in a decade, then that meant that everything he had gone through, every talk he had with his parents, every lesson learned, every time his heart got shattered in a million pieces and he kneeled to the ground to put it back together again… would have been for nothing. And he couldn’t accept that.

"This might look quite informal." he started, his voice steady and his best charming smile on his lips, pointing at him and Mark. "But we’re serious about this. We’re gonna give you a sheet to choose your slot for auditions next week, but don’t write your name on it if you’re not one hundred percent sure that will be there for every session. This may be new, but if we want it to last we have to start with a solid base. Alright ?"

He could see some of the students whisper to each other and laugh to themselves while pointing at him. He took a deep breath, praying that it was because they found him attractive and that it had nothing to do with his grammar or his pronunciation.

The rest of the meeting went smoothly. Jackson stayed next to the signing up sheet until all the students interested had put their name on it. He was quite surprised actually to see more than one foreign name on it.

He went through the list quickly to count how many people had signed up.

"Nineteen." he said out loud

"That’s more than I expected." Mark replied

They both glanced towards the door. Fei was waiting for Jackson, arms crossed on her chest, leaning back on the wall.

"Don’t be late to training." Mark warned him and left him alone with his ex classmate

Jackson felt his stomach drop.

There was no cold wind for now, but without Mark, it felt like Jackson had walked on the other side of a wall he had built himself.

Jackson had left Beijing after finishing elementary school. He had never crossed path ever again with someone from that part of his life. The only people still in his life who knew what happened back then, were his mother and his father. He hadn’t told Jack. He hadn’t even told Mark.

And until a few minutes ago, the names and the faces had been locked in a corner of his mind that he tried his best to leave in the dark.

He should be glad that his first encounter with someone from that past was with Fei, and not Liwei or Eugene. But life was a tricky player.

Liu Fei was actually the worst possible option. Because Jackson would have his guard down. The fact that he didn’t feel any cold wind creeping up his arms and biting his skin, was enough to make all the sirens in his brain blare at full volume.

"Wang Jackson…" Fei chuckled, without uncrossing her arms or lifting herself from the wall she was leaning on. "What a coincidence."

"Out of fifty million people…" Jackson smiled. "What were the chances that the student from Beijing would be someone I know ?"

"Out of over a billion people, what were the chances the student from China would be someone I know ?"

Jackson let out a small laugh at that.

"I guess zero is never an acceptable statistic." he sighed

They were children the last time they had seen each other. They had never had a conversation back then, what the hell could they even talk about ? Their majors ?

"How come Korea ?" Fei asked before he could come up with something to say

Should Jackson tell her ? He had no reason to trust her or to give her special treatment. They didn’t know each other, even when they were seven years old they were only classmates.

"Some opportunities aligned." he shrugged. "You ?"

"Same."

Great. What a conversation.

"Do you go by Faith ?"

She laughed.

"Yeah. My dad said I should. It’s not a good idea though, I think it’s more confusing than anything."

Jackson took a second to observe her closer. There was something strange about the way she stood. Those crossed arms. One of her ankles was hooked around the other too.

He frowned.

"You know what’s funny ?" she interrupted his train of thoughts again. "I thought about you a few months ago."

Jackson’s eyes widened.

"You… You remembered me ?"

She looked away, somewhere, Jackson wasn’t sure where, the void maybe.

"My cousin decided to move in my room while I’m here, so I cleaned it and cleared out some of the old stuff. I had a box with all of my class pictures."

She looked up towards him and smiled. She had a warm smile, it almost made Jackson take a step back. He never knew what to make of smiles like that.

"You were such a cute kid." she continued, with a small laugh. "You had such big eyes, I always thought that was the most remarkable thing."

"Really ?" Jackson snorted. "I thought the most remarkable thing was that I couldn’t pronounce one word properly."

Fei unhooked her ankles and gave Jackson a small kick in the chin.

"Hey. Who’s in an international school now ?"

"I never said I could pronounce Korean properly."

"You made a speech fifteen minutes ago."

"And ?"

Jackson rose his eyebrows, making an exaggerated face as if daring her to contradict him. She rolled her eyes and gave him another kick, higher this time, barely missing his hip.

Jackson dodged it and laughed.

_Keep your guard up, idiot_.

Jackson was decidedly pretty bad at sticking to his resolutions. First Mark, then Youngjae, now Fei. No wonder life kept throwing tests at him, he failed all of them. If he wasn’t careful, he would soon find himself face to face with someone much worse than Jack.

If he hadn’t already met that person…

One more failed test and Jackson would be on the floor, with his knees smashed, unable to get back up again. And this time, his mother was in a different country, there would be no one around to try to teach him how to not fall again.

"Is Eugene here too ?" Jackson blurted out before he could stop himself, his tone suddenly darker, his gaze falling to his feet

He had trained his mind for many years to push away the memory of his first best friend every time it would pop up, when something reminded him of those times in their elementary school in Beijing. He still didn’t have the answers about what had happened exactly, but he didn’t want them anyway.

That made Fei uncross her arms. She pushed herself up from the wall with a heavy sigh and started pacing around, her back turned to Jackson.

"No." she said, after a short silence. "He’s in Beijing, studying marketing or whatever."

She looked at him, eyes as unreadable as they’d been back then.

"You remember him too."

It wasn’t a question, and yet Jackson nodded, slowly.

Should he ask about Liwei ? The siblings had left the school but the boy had stayed behind, what were the chances that they had stayed in touch ?

Well… He was Eugene’s best friend, wasn’t he ?

Jackson scoffed to himself.

Was he really still angry about that ? No, he hadn’t been angry, not at all, just hurt.

_Right ?_

"Jackson."

He looked up.

There was a strange gleam in Fei’s eyes. Something like sadness, or regret maybe ? She held out her hand towards him.

"Let’s be friends ?"

Jackson’s breath stopped.

When Jackson left for Korea, his mother had made him promise to call every day. That turned out to be quite a hard promise to keep.

He really tried his best during the two months before university started, but they soon found out that calling very day meant that the conversations became an indistinguishable string of the same words, the same questions, the same answers every day. _How was your training_ ? _Have you eaten yet_ ? _Is your roommate nice_ ? _Are you adjusting well_ ? _What did you do today_ ? _How’s work_? _Did the neighbour’s dog eat the doormat again_ ? The conversations turned briefer and briefer since Jackson’s daily activities were pretty repetitive.

They had agreed to space out their calls, so they would have more stories to tell each other and their conversations would last longer. They still sent each other daily messages, with pictures, jokes… Jackson’s mom liked to send everyone links to articles she thought were interesting, so Jackson was now used to see notifications pop up on his phone about anything from phylogenetic nomenclature to world news to —and mainly— studies on sports relating to anything, health, psychology, social interaction, culture… Jackson didn’t always read everything, his mom had an uncanny ability to absorb large quantities of information in little time, but that hadn’t been passed down in his DNA.

"You don’t skip meals, right ?" Jackson had his phone in one hand and the vacuum cleaner in the other and was trying to manage the two conflicting sounds in his brain. "You know you need energy for fencing but also for studying, you have to eat enough."

"Yes, mom." he replied almost automatically —it wasn’t the first time she worried about his food intake. "I don’t think Mister Song would let me forget that."

"I can figure out international shipments for food if you need more."

"No, mom !’’ he laughed. ‘’I’m okay, don’t worry."

His mom had always been at home, she rarely went away for long periods of time, most of her business trips only lasted a couple days. When his father was away for competitions during school weeks, it was only her and Jackson. The portion of Jackson’s life that he had spent away from her was so insignificant that the first thing that had hit him on his first night in Korea, was that he had gotten so used to the sound of his parents bickering before falling asleep that his shared dorm felt overwhelmingly silent.

"Do you even have any time to hang out with your friends ?" his mother sighed, blowing air in the microphone that sent a static down Jackson’s ear. "You know you need to find a minute or two to yourself, right ? It’s important."

Jackson’s smile faltered.

When his mother was worried about him or when she missed him but she wanted to push down the feeling, Jackson had noticed that she blurted out string of questions after string of questions. Her tone was always pressing and firm, but it ended up sounding anxious in Jackson’s ears.

He couldn’t give her any valid reason to worry.

"It’s okay…" he said. "I haven’t really made friends so far."

"I’m sure you’ll get a chance to, soon."

Jackson bit his lip.

Should he tell her about the ghost that resurfaced, almost a thousand kilometres away from where he thought he had buried it ?

She probably didn’t remember anything about it. After all, this wasn’t the ghost of the friend who made her little boy cry. And if she made the connexion between the two, she would probably announce that she was getting on the next plane to conduct a thorough interrogation of the person who wanted to hold out an olive branch over an old wound.

"Yeah." Jackson breathed out. "I’ll get a chance soon."

What Jackson had coming soon, however, was a competition.

The scale of it was quite small for now. Jackson held the title for junior champion for Asia, so most people he was up against were challengers. The qualifying rounds would determine the national team lineups. For that, Jackson had to hold his ground. That was what the small scale competitions were for. Jackson had to prove his victory in a junior competition wasn’t a fluke, that he could move on the big courts now. The ranking to qualify for World Championships and for the Olympics was not the same, but the former was definitely a wide step closer to the latter. If Jackson scored high at Worlds Championship and was in the top ranks of the national team, he would have his shot at the Olympics.

Jackson was currently not in the qualifying ranking for Asia, and was still a bit low on the ranking for China, as the label ‘’junior’’ was still pushing the brakes for him.

The national competition in China, the one that determined who made the cut to World Championships, was still a few months away. To be included in the lineup for that competition, Jackson needed to climb up three ranks, which meant getting more wins that the three fencers above him —one of whom was the junior silver medalist for Asia three years in a row and had already qualified two years for World Championships, Gao Dahai.

"Is the competition taking place in China ?" Mark asked when he saw Jackson checking the compulsory workshops board for the week of the competition

"No, in Busan. It’s Korea, China, Japan. It’s only a _pre_ -prequalifying round."

"So pretty informal ?"

"Well it still counts for the rankings, but yes, it’s a routine competition."

"How long will you be gone ?"

Before Jackson could answer that question, they were interrupted by a warm, booming voice yelling "Hello !" right behind them.

"Did they put up the workshops ?" Youngjae asked, looking over Jackson’s shoulder

"Not yet." Jackson groaned. "If they tell us at the last minute we’re gonna have a problem."

Youngjae shrugged.

"We’re here anyway, it’s not like we have better things to do than wait."

Well, Jackson would argue with that but he had made a series of choices that left him no other option that to shut up about this specific topic.

"Hey !" Youngjae grinned, putting a hand on both Mark’s and Jackson’s shoulders. "It’s my birthday this weekend. Do you guys want to come, I wanted to celebrate with some people ?"

Jackson eyed Mark.

"Can we ?" he mouthed

"Probably not…?" Mark grimaced

Youngjae made a sad face. He looked at Jackson with pleading eyes.

"Please ? Are you guys professional athletes, do you not have any time to hang out ?"

_I’m sure you’ll get a chance to, soon._

Did his mom pull out the crystal ball again ?

"You said this weekend ?" Mark repeated, nudging Jackson behind his back so Youngjae wouldn’t see

Jackson’s classmate beamed.

"Yes ! On Saturday. I don’t know a lot of people, so I was really thinking about a small thing, a movie and some food, not much."

Mark nudged Jackson again, poking his spine very suddenly.

"I think we could make it on Saturday, right Jackson ?"

Although he had the urge to frown at his roommate, Jackson nodded. He could understand what those nudges were asking him to do, but he couldn’t really comprehend what Mark’s plan was. They had training on Sunday morning, going to a party the night before was not a good idea.

Youngjae’s smile brightened even more —was that even physically possible ?— and he started jumping up and down.

" _Thankyouthankyouthankyou_ !" he said, slapping Jackson’s shoulder repeatedly in excitement. "It’s gonna be so fun !"

Jackson nodded along, still pretty much lost, and waited for his classmate to run to some other people to finally frown at Mark.

"Are we sure that’s a good idea ?" he asked, massaging his shoulder

"If you keep saying no to everything because of fencing, people are gonna think you’re making up excuses to avoid them or that your training is more serious than you let on. So they’re gonna want to know the answer and they’ll look up your name. And if they do, what will they find ?"

Jackson dropped his head.

Once again, he was dragging Mark along when the older probably didn’t even want to hang out on a Saturday evening with a bunch of random people he didn’t know.

"You know, you don’t have to think about me…" he mumbled. "I’ll manage, it’s my stupid plan anyway."

Mark chuckled and threw his arm around Jackson’s shoulders, letting rest there as if this wasn’t the first time it had happened —it _was_ , if you couldn’t tell by the way Jackson froze.

"You’re terrible at plotting." Mark joked. "I have to teach you the basics or you’re gonna get busted before your next competition."

Jackson didn’t want to, but he smiled.

Three things came too quickly for Jackson’s taste.

He did have all the time in the world to prepare, but he had decided to conveniently put back thinking about them until he just couldn’t escape it anymore.

The first thing was the dance team’s auditions.

There were nineteen slots. Mark had managed to make their schedules fit perfectly for five days of the week. Yes, it definitely would have been better to try to hold out every slot within one or two days, but that was absolutely impossible. They had training, and hadn’t yet mentioned their new, time-consuming endeavour to their coaches.

Jackson already knew what Song would say. That it was up to him, that he wouldn’t tell him what to do.

"I’m not responsible for you winning or losing. You make your own choices, and you own up to them." he had said the week before to one of the other fencers who had asked to leave an hour earlier than usual because he wanted to attend some conference by someone he admired

So Jackson wasn’t dreading that conversation too much. He knew Song would disapprove, but wouldn’t convey it through his words, or worse, his eyes.

No. What Jackson was dreading was the auditions themselves.

Partly because he had to face nineteen people who surely spoke better Korean than him, and some of them probably danced better than he would ever manage to in his entire life, yes.

But mainly because Fei would be there.

He hadn’t seen her since the presentation session, but she hadn’t left his mind for a second. It kept him awake for hours. Not so much that she was there, but what her presence meant for him. It was a test, he knew it. But what kind, how cruel and why her ?

Jackson had failed time and time again. The chances that he would overcome this test were slim to none, he couldn’t lie to himself. He had boarded the crash and burn train and the only way to escape the blazing pyre was to jump, and fall down an endless cliff, into frozen waters.

" _Jackson_."

He still couldn’t understand what the look in her eyes at that moment meant. Was it a trap, laid out so well in front of him that he couldn’t even recognise it ?

" _Let’s be friends_?"

What does one say to that ? " _Excuse me but every time I see your face I remember the stupid feeling of hurt I felt when your brother didn’t choose me as his best friend when we were kids_ ?" That was laughable. Jackson shouldn’t even be thinking about it so hard. It had been over ten years, he should be completely over it.

No, Jackson had said " _sure"_. And now he had to face the consequences of it.

"You’re gonna break that pen." Mark pointed out

They were sitting down on the basketball court of the university gym, papers in front of them to take notes, and a Bluetooth speaker a few feet away from them.

Jackson had been furiously hitting his papers with his pen for the past two minutes, without realising it.

"When’s the next one coming ?" he asked his roommate, dropping the pen

"He texted me that he’s just out of his lecture, he’s running here."

Jackson sighed.

He leaned over to check the name of the guy on the sign up sheet. He squinted.

"That’s not a Korean name."

Mark followed Jackson’s gaze.

"Yeah. He’s from Thailand. But he’s been studying here since high school."

Jackson frowned, eyeing his roommate and feeling his spine tense up slightly.

"You already spoke to him ?"

"Yeah, I met him last year, he came to visit the school and had questions about the business major. I see him in all the time in our building."

Jackson’s heart shouldn’t have sunk. His stomach shouldn’t have dropped. He shouldn’t have felt the cold brush his skin and make him fold back against himself like a bird shivering in winter. He knew he shouldn’t feel this way. He had no right to. His body acted on his own.

He wanted to say something, just in case Mark might suspect him if he suddenly fell silent, but his throat felt dry and tight.

_What are you doing ?_

"I’m so sorry I’m late !"

Jackson was torn out of his daze by someone yelling in English and running across the basketball court, the sole of his leather shoes hitting the wood of the court with a sharp sound.

Jackson remembered him from the presentation. He stood a bit on the sides, alone, looking all around him as if looking for someone he knew to stand next to. Jackson remembered precisely thinking how much the guy stood out, and not because he was one of the rare students who didn’t come accompanied. For someone who was very obviously nervous, he held his chin up and his shoulders steady. On paper, he should have appeared extremely out of place, and yet he had the look and the aura of someone who belonged there more than anybody else.

No wonder Mark had kept an eye out for him.

Jackson felt his spine grow tenser, as Mark explained —in English— how to plug in the music and how they would assess his performance. The kid had a big smile on his face and nodded along to every word.

When the music started, Jackson’s fingers closed tightly around his pen.

There was only one thing that could have made the situation more delicate, and life had decided to laugh straight in Jackson’s face.

The guy was good. _Really_ good. Better than Jackson could ever be —he wasn’t a dancer, despite how many times Mark insisted, he didn’t deserve the spot as co-captain. His moves were sharp, his gaze was strong, he didn’t miss a step and looked like it had only taken him a minute or two to learn the whole thing —or worse, was he freestyling ? Jackson had never seen anyone make it look so… easy.

"That was great Bam !" Mark exclaimed when the kid went to pause the music. "That was so cool !"

"Oh really ?" the kid blushed, dropping his head down in a stark contrast to his confident dancing

Mark elbowed Jackson, as if to ask for his opinion. His face was bright and grinning, an expression Jackson rarely saw on his roommate.

"Erm…" Jackson hesitated. "I thought we weren’t supposed to say anything after the auditions ?"

That’s what they had done for the past two days at least. Just a ‘’thank you’’ and details about the schedule for when they would announce the lineup.

"Come on, that was really good, don’t you think ?" Mark insisted, sending the kid a thumbs up that made him blush one more time

"Yeah." Jackson admitted, scribbling down incoherent words on his assessment sheet. "It was really good."

Mark then went on to explain how and when they would announce who made the team. The whole time, the kid —Bambam— kept smiling and nodding excitedly. After making sure all was understood perfectly, Mark and the guy shared a friendly handshake, that Jackson stared at far longer than he should have.

Bambam waved at Jackson with a shy smile.

"Bye."

Jackson returned the wave, and watched the guy stride towards the exit confidently.

"He’s the best we’ve had so far." Mark commented, circling the guy’s name on the sign up sheet

"I hope that’s not favouritism." Jackson replied, trying to keep his tone light and humorous

"As you said : if we want this team to last we have to start with a solid base."

"Do we even know if we can make it last ?"

"We’ll never know if we don’t try. Your friend’s up next."

"My friend ?"

Jackson froze.

_Shit_.

The worst part was : he knew. He had read the schedule for the day. He had days to prepare himself, nights even. Yet here he was, one second away from fleeing the scene like a thief caught with his hands on the diamond.

Fei came in right at that second, with almost the same confident walk as the guy that had just left.

(This team was a terrible idea, every single one of those people was going to eat Jackson alive and his self-esteem would be flushed down the drain before the end of the first practice, why did he not stop Mark ?)

"Hi !" Fei greeted Mark in Korean then turned to Jackson, smiled and switched to Mandarin. "Hi."

"Should we do this in Mandarin ?" Mark also switched, giving Jackson a funny look

Jackson snorted.

"Stop bragging."

"Am I ?"

Jackson explained everything, from the assessment to how to start the music, and let Fei get ready. He met Mark’s gaze one second before an energetic song started booming through the court.

To his surprise, Fei was actually quite good. Certainly not as effortless as the guy before, but she had noticeable energy and a big smile on her face the whole time that made it quite fun to watch her.

She finished with a split, that caught Jackson so off guard that his jaw dropped. Mark stared at him.

When the music stopped and Fei got up, grinning and out of breath, Jackson’s first reflex was to look at Mark with a clear question in his eyes : _can I say something_?

Mark smiled at Fei.

"Thank you, that was great." he said, with only one percent of the enthusiasm he had earlier for Bambam’s performance

Fei laughed and came forward to grab one of the water bottles that Mark and Jackson had bought for the people auditioning who wanted one.

"Did you take dance classes ?" Jackson asked before his brain and his mouth could connect in his best interests. "That was pretty cool."

Fei beamed at him.

"A bit." she answered. "For fun."

A split second later, while she gulped down the water, her gaze darkened, as if the thought that crossed her mind at those words had nothing to do with the notion of fun.

"We still have auditions until Friday." Mark explained. "We’ll look at all our notes this weekend and then we’ll put up the lineup on Monday. You’ll just have to check the student board, we’ll put it up before noon. If you’re in, we’ll make a group chat to tell everyone about the first practice together. Okay ?"

Fei nodded, and started grabbing her things. Suddenly, she froze and looked at Jackson. That darker look in her eyes was still there, and the fact that it looked familiar made an icy shiver run down Jackson’s spine.

She opened her mouth to say something, but her shoulders dropped, her gaze fell to the ground and she just grabbed her bag without saying a word.

"See you around.’" she waved at them

Jackson waved back and dived straight onto his notes sheet, not watching her leave.

Mark broke the silence, not one second after the sound of the entrance door closing reached their ears.

"I have so many questions."

Jackson looked up and frowned at his roommate.

"You didn’t know she danced ?" Mark asked —so _that_ was what that stare was about ? "I thought you knew her from before."

"Elementary school, Mark, _elementary school_. Not even that, the first year of elementary school, she moved in the middle of the second year."

Mark’s frown deepened.

"Wait." he turned around to face Jackson properly. "You knew her when you were, what, seven years old ? How the hell did you recognise her ?"

Now, that was a question Jackson wasn’t expecting. He had an answer for it, of course, but one that couldn’t stand on its own, without a lengthy explanation of everything that happened back then. And Jackson wasn’t really in the mood to put himself through that.

"Let’s put it this way." he said. "If anyone I met in elementary school committed a crime and went through major surgeries to change their identities and run away from the police, I would still recognise them."

Mark stared at him with wide eyes.

"For some reason, that doesn’t explain anything."

Yeah. That was probably right.

"Unless… you have superpowers ?"

Jackson laughed.

Was it a superpower ? To be so laser-focused on the look in everyone’s eyes when they landed on him ? To remember the sharpest ones, the strangest ones, the ones that stood out, like it was indelible ink marked all over every fold of his brain ? Was it a superpower when Jackson wished he never knew about any of it, wished he could just brush it off and not brace for impact anytime someone turned their head towards him ?

"Yeah, your roommate is a superhero, how’s that for a twist ?" he joked

"Actually, not the thing that would surprise me the most."

Jackson didn’t ask what that meant. 

The second thing that came too quickly for Jackson’s taste was Youngjae’s birthday.

They finished the week, between classes and training sessions, squeezing in more auditions every day. When Jackson walked in his dorm room on Friday night and closed the door behind him, he was ready to give up on every single thing he had ever started in his life.

The classes were fine, he could follow along for the most part and Youngjae always answered with a big smile on his face when Jackson had questions about certain words he didn’t recognise. For now, everything was heavily based on theory, they hadn’t yet started the workshops, but it was very different from Jackson’s music school extracurriculars.

For several reasons. First of all, his teachers were professionals. A few of them were music producers, arrangers, composers, and even though Jackson didn’t know what they worked on, they made sure to remind the students of the weight of their credentials. Others were authors, people who had studied history, philosophy, physics and wrote book after book. One was also an ex-choir director who had worked in Australia until he was invited as a vocal coach for broadcasted singing competitions.

All of that meant that Jackson never forgot that these people were teaching him their job, their craft. Not how to read music but how to write the music that others might read in their own classes.

And the second thing, was that Jackson was surrounded by classmates who constantly put forward what their goals were, their ambitions, their dreams. They were aspiring composers, arrangers, producers, conductors, orchestra directors, singers and musicians… Including Youngjae, JB and Jinyoung, who already had several conversations on that specific subject, that Jackson had conveniently tuned out of.

What the hell was he doing there ? He was probably stealing the spot of someone who had a clear objective in mind and deserved it much more than Jackson and his stupid championship title.

Yes, he was fascinated by the world of music creation, but what was he going to do with that degree ? Was he spending so many hours away from his training for a _hobby_ ?

If his classmates ever asked the question, Jackson was in big trouble.

He was a fraud. He was only there because his parents wanted him to have a degree because sports weren’t a stable and lasting career. He had chosen the thing that interested him the most but he wasn’t actually pursuing any goals or dreams.

He had to find a solution.

And as soon as his brain spelled out that thought, while he was sprawled out on the couch next to Mark who was already taking out the audition notes, he remembered Youngjae’s birthday.

"Shit." he said out loud

Birthdays were socialising events. Socialising meant asking people questions to get to know them better. Questions were the biggest threat to Jackson’s survival at the moment, more than overworking, more than stress, more than the looming conclusion to all the tests that kept being thrown his way.

"What ?" Mark asked

"We need a birthday present for tomorrow."

"Oh shit yeah."

Mark dropped his notes and reached for his jacket, patting Jackson’s knee.

"Come on, let’s go to the store before it closes."

Jackson groaned, but followed his roommate.

They found a department store that closed quite late and started looking around for ideas. None of them actually knew anything about Youngjae that could help them figure out what he might like, so the clock ticking was a much bigger concern than a simple, unstoppable passage of time.

"We have some pretty cool people for the team, don’t you think ?" Mark asked while Jackson scanned every item on display in the music store they had just entered

"Yeah, I really liked the last guy today." Jackson mumbled without really paying attention

"How many should we choose ? We can’t keep all nineteen of them."

Jackson hummed.

They actually had decided that they would wait to see how good the people auditioning were before choosing the number of people on the team.

"I think an odd number would work." he said. "It looks better on stage."

"Nine ? Eleven sounds too much."

"As in seven plus us two ? Can we even coordinate so many schedules ?"

"Can we choreograph for nine people too ? We’re only beginners."

"We’re frauds, you mean."

Mark laughed.

They walked out of the music store and onto the next, that sold a variety of cute gadgets, all made of plastic that wouldn’t stand the test of trends and time.

"So seven ?" Mark kept going while they moved between the aisles, their eyes never stopping long enough on any item to actually consider one a potential gift. "Or nine ?"

Jackson’s answer would be to look at the list and check who they thought was good enough, then see what number they ended up with.

But his mind was actually split in between his verbal conversation with his roommate and a silent one with himself.

"Is food an acceptable birthday gift ?" he blurted out when his eyes landed on an alarm clock shaped like a watermelon

Mark frowned.

"It depends on the food, I guess."

Jackson grabbed Mark’s wrist and ran out of the store.

Since noticing the Chinese restaurant in the training centre area, he had dragged Mark out there a few times, when a phone conversation with his parents left him with a feeling of longing for home that was stronger than the will to follow his diet as strictly as he was told to. That’s how Jackson knew that the restaurant also sold a few items he had yet to see in a convenience store, like some of his favourite snacks and sweets.

When they walked back to their dorm, Jackson had a paper bag full of a variety of sweets from his hometown that he sort of wanted to keep to himself.

Before going to bed, they also managed to figure out their dance team lineup. They chose seven people. Bambam was one of them, and so was Fei —Jackson really wanted a time machine to go back to the night Mark persuaded him to go along with the team idea, so he could back out before even finding out why he needed to.

"Jackson." Coach Song called him at the end of Saturday’s practice. "The competition is in ten days, I don’t want to hear anything about homework or group projects, okay ? Choose your priorities and plan your schedule around them."

He had said the same thing to all five of the fencers from the team who were set to compete, chosen by Song himself.

"Yes, Sir." Jackson replied, and then was out of the door

He left his gear at the dorm, changed quickly, then met Mark at the bus stop.

Youngjae had texted him the address of a movie theatre inside of a mall, in a different area, where Jackson hadn’t been yet. Mark had offered to lead the way.

"If you disappear one minute to go to the bathroom or whatever without telling me, I will sell all your game passwords to a twelve year old who ruins all your scores, is that clear ?" he told his roommate when they got inside the bus

Mark sighed, then pulled Jackson’s hat down on his face.

"Hey !"

The mall was gigantic.

Jackson’s jaw dropped, seeing Mark stride through the crowd without even stopping to look at the directions.

"Thank god you know your way around." he mumbled. "You’re the one who got us in the situation in the first place."

"Come on." Mark chuckled. "What’s so bad about making friends ?"

Jackson’s eyes fell to the ground.

Well. There was a lot, but Mark would probably laugh and tell him to move on already. He would be right, but every time Jackson had tried to let go of the past and start anew, full of hopes and trust, he ended up face first in a pile of mud deeper than ever before.

Youngjae was already in front of the movie theatre, with a small group of people Jackson vaguely recognised but whose faces he couldn’t connect to a name. JB and Jinyoung were nowhere to be seen. Jackson’s chest swelled at the idea that maybe the two of them had other plans and wouldn’t be there.

Youngjae beamed when he spotted them.

"Happy birthday !" Mark greeted first, going for a quick hug

"Thank you, I’m so happy you guys made it !" Youngjae cheered, reaching out to hug Jackson too

Youngjae was warm, which made some of the tension in Jackson’s muscles ease out.

He held out the paper bag.

"I hope they let them in the theatre." he said, with a wink

Youngjae’s jaw dropped. He grabbed the bag, peeked inside, smiled wide and pulled Jackson into an even tighter hug.

"Thank you !" he exclaimed, pulling out all the packs of sweets, eyeing every single one of them curiously, while their other classmates walked closer to see what was going on

"Did you buy the tickets already ?" Mark asked

"No, I was waiting for everyone to get there."

"Show me which one we’re going to, I’ll pay."

Jackson’s mouth fell open at the same time as Youngjae’s did.

"No, no, I invited everyone, I can’t make you pay, I—"

"It’s my birthday gift."

Youngjae turned bright red, only letting out a string of incoherent words, then dropped his arm in defeat.

"You’ll be okay on your own, right ?" Mark joked, patting Jackson’s shoulder and giving him a big smile

Jackson rolled his eyes.

So much for threatening the gaming passwords.

Youngjae led the way and Mark followed right behind, leaving Jackson alone in front of about four pairs of eyes whose owners he didn’t know.

His muscles tensed up. The cold crept along the skin of his arms, all the way to his throat that already felt too tight for comfort.

No, Jackson didn’t sign up to face a blizzard today, this was all Mark’s idea and he didn’t want any of it in the first place.

He excused himself, pretending to look for the bathroom, then ran inside the theatre. Mark and Youngjae were queuing up for tickets, and didn’t notice him. Jackson decided to find a spot out of their sight where he could check when they were done, so he wouldn’t have to spend more time than necessary with his classmates outside.

He found a large cardboard cutout of some action movie character he wasn’t familiar with, and hid behind it, taking out his phone to scroll through the list of articles his mother had sent him.

He clicked on one of them, and started reading about " _musical instruments you never knew existed"_.

"I don’t think I’ve played hide-and-seek at a birthday since I was nine or ten."

Startled, Jackson almost knocked out the cardboard cutout.

JB laughed, walking closer to where Jackson was standing —he seemed to be coming out of the bathroom if the sign further down the hallway was any indication.

"Where’s the other half of Team Rocket ?" Jackson groaned, putting a hand on his chest as if it could make his heart rate slow down any faster

JB’s eyes widened, but Jackson was surprised to find an amused spark in them instead of the cold and stony wall he had come to expect.

"You mean Jinyoung ?" his classmate chuckled. "He was looking at snacks last time I saw him, he hasn’t eaten anything all day that idiot."

Well, Jackson wasn’t in luck today. He would have to find another strategy to escape the flame, one that didn’t involve playing hide-and-seek with two-dimensional promotional objects.

"Also Team Rocket has three people, not two." JB pointed out, with a slight smile at the corner of his lips. "So which one am I ?"

Jackson tensed up.

What should he think of that smile ? It couldn’t mean anything good…

He squinted, pretending to scan JB up and down.

"I’ll have to get back to you on that, I need more data for my research to be conclusive." he said

JB rose his eyebrows, without losing his slight —and unnerving— smile.

"Is that your way of saying we should hang out more ?"

Jackson felt his blood turn to ice.

No. That was _not_ what he meant.

But before he could try to diffuse the situation, or make a joke to distract his classmate from the idea he just suggested, JB looked over Jackson’s shoulder to look at the screen of his phone, that was displaying the next article suggested by the website of the article his mom sent —Jackson didn’t remember clicking on it ?

"You’re looking to buy equipment ?" JB asked, pointing at the screen

Jackson checked the name of the article. It read " _synthesisers : what’s on the market and which one should you choose ?"_

"Erm…" Jackson eloquently replied. "I don’t think I have the space or funds at the moment."

"Well, if you want, I have some gear in my dorm, you can come test it some time. It was… I wanna say affordable but, you know. Affordable compared to some of the stuff out there. It doesn’t take that much space either, so if you wanna try to see if it works for you, swing by our dorm whenever."

Jackson’s eyes widened.

Was this another trap ?

Wasn’t life sending him a bunch too many ? At least one of them had to be a safe open door… but which one ?

Jackson was about to thank him and probably say something the lines of " _I’ll see if I have any time"_ , when his eyes fell on the aforementioned other half of Team Rocket, staring at them from further away.

Jinyoung had some snacks in his hands that Jackson couldn’t recognise, but that really wasn’t what should matter to him right now, the furthest thing from that.

His classmate wasn’t so much glaring at him as the flame that would only sway slightly up to this point had now doubled in size and was flickering furiously. Jackson should retreat now, he had known that the peace wouldn’t last but maybe he could still buy some time before the flame grew big enough to touch the wick.

"Yo, Jackson what are you doing here ?" Mark called out in English, bypassing Jinyoung to grab Jackson’s arm. "Come on, the movie’s gonna start."

"Excuse me ?" Jackson took his arm away swiftly. "You abandoned me ! You have no right to tell me where I should be, you just wanted to show off your money, you fake friend."

Mark laughed, smacking Jackson’s bicep. Then, he seemed to notice they weren’t alone and suddenly regained his serious composure, nodding at JB to greet him.

"Let’s go !" Youngjae exclaimed, barging in like someone opening the curtains of a dark room to let the sun in

He was followed by the other people he had invited, and Jackson felt Mark drag him along.

His eyes were still on Jinyoung, however.

Maybe not every person he met was a test to try out the strength of his resolutions. Maybe not everything was a trap to prove he still couldn’t learn a lesson.

But he knew he should definitely beware of that flame, and stay as far away as he could.

After all, if he caught fire, then he would only have himself to blame.

And the third and final thing that came too quickly was Jackson’s first competition of the season.

It came too fast because Jackson was so focused on his training sessions, that he completely forgot to warn Youngjae that he wouldn’t be there and that he needed his notes.

Actually, it wasn’t just the training sessions, it was also the first assignments. Jackson’s schedule was so packed that he usually found the time to do his school work on the bus rides or on his first hours of sleep. It wasn’t much for now, but he had to prepare early : if he kept up this rhythm, when the assignments and exams would come flooding in, he would not have any energy left for fencing.

And there was also the bane of his life : the dance team.

Okay, maybe _bane of his life_ was a bit strong as a descriptor. Thorn in his foot ? Still too much. The thing he wished he could run away from but couldn’t because he didn’t want to disappoint Mark ? Accurate, but not very dramatic.

Jackson always had something on his mind. So it wasn’t a surprise that a detail would slip at the bottom of the pile.

So now, he was running towards the campus library, where Youngjae and some other classmates had organised an almost daily study session —that Jackson was always invited to and always declined to attend. He was going to be late to his training.

He should just text Youngjae.

This was all Bambam’s fault.

Ah yes, Bambam.

Quite a lot of stuff happened since Mark and Jackson announced who had made the team. Jackson had discovered that the Thai boy had no sense of loyalty, or at least that it wasn’t exclusive to Mark because now every time he crossed paths with him anywhere, Bambam would run to him, yelling and pretty much launching himself towards Jackson to ask about his day.

Today was no exception.

Bambam had followed him after the dance team session, and ran after him to talk to him, then only left him when Jackson insisted he had to meet someone urgently.

"You’re not even gonna walk me to my bus stop ?" the boy had pouted and Jackson almost threw his backpack at him for that

"See you tomorrow, Jack-Jack !"

Jackson would end up kicking him for real one day.

If he had known this would be the consequence of talking to him on the first dance team session, he would have kept his mouth shut.

They had decided to put everyone in pairs for the first training. Mark had called the names, and when Jackson came back from getting water bottles for everyone, he had spotted his roommate shaking his head at Bambam, who was flailing his arms around and whisper-yelling.

Jackson had frowned and walked closer to see what the problem was.

"Jackson !" Bambam had immediately latched onto him, speaking English as if he didn’t want anyone to understand but the three of them. "Tell him he can’t put me with Tall Guy, he has to find me another partner."

"Who’s Tall Guy ?" Jackson asked Mark, whose eyes had almost retreated all the way behind his lids at this point

"Kim Yugyeom." his roommate groaned, pointing his chin at the guy who was excitedly talking with the girls of the team. ‘’Bambam’s scared of him.’’

"I’m not scared !" Bambam pretty much shrieked. "Have you seen him ? If I try to dance with this guy he’s gonna crush me. I’m gonna die, you can’t let me die, Jackson please tell him he can’t let me die !"

Jackson suppressed a laugh when he saw Mark’s face disappear between his hands.

"Bam." he said, nudging the boy. "He might be tall, but you’re fast, right ? You’re like a cat, if he tries to crush you, you can escape easily, right ?"

Bambam squinted at him.

"Will you come rescue me if I can’t ?" he asked

Jackson nodded and offered his hand for a pinky promise.

Bambam had sealed their hands, then went striding towards his new partner with a loud "Yo, Tall Guy !", in a curious mix of languages, that had left the Kim Yugyeom in question very confused.

Then, Mark’s eyes had switched quickly a few times between Bambam and Jackson, and he had laughed.

"Two dramatic idiots, I should have seen it coming, you’re a perfect match for each other."

Jackson had taken offense. Bambam had agreed, and was now everywhere Jackson looked.

So yes, it was the boy’s fault for making him late.

Jackson walked inside the library, looking around frenetically trying to find Youngjae among the mops of dark hair that faced the desks and not him.

At one of the tables closest to the bookshelves, he spotted one of his classmates, but not the one he wanted to see right now. JB.

There were a few bags around him, on empty chairs, so maybe if Jackson looked around the aisles he would find Youngjae.

He lowered his head, trying to hide his face into his hoodie, and walked towards the shelves, holding his breath.

He forced himself to look away from JB, to not check if his classmate was still staring at his book and not at the people walking by. People say if you don’t want to make a dog notice you, you shouldn’t look at them and should not act scared ? Something like that, no ? Jackson didn’t know, he never had a dog.

"Jackson ?"

Jackson whipped around.

He had barely reached the shelves, but apparently his classmate hadn’t missed him.

He put on a big smile.

"Hey !" he greeted. "I didn’t see you there."

He started looking around quickly. No traces of Youngjae. He scanned the bags and jackets around JB to see if he recognised any.

"Looking for something ?"

JB’s eyes were darted right towards him, Jackson felt chills run down his spine just thinking about looking into them. He didn’t seem threatening, but his face was still pretty unreadable to Jackson, like a very polished stone. JB had no visible rough edges that Jackson could watch out for.

"Where’s Youngjae ?" he asked, trying to keep his voice and feet steady

"He went home already, he was tired."

"Oh…"

Jackson looked at the jackets. Indeed, Youngjae’s wasn’t there. He should have just walked to the bus stop and texted him, instead of wasting all this time, now Coach Song was going to single him out in front of everyone for being late, for not showing his respect for his training, for hurting his chances at the Olympics—

"You can ask me instead."

JB’s voice tore Jackson’s train of thoughts like a cutter shredding a canvas.

Jackson blinked a few times, then started retreating towards the exit, waving his hands around.

"No, no it’s okay !" he smiled, a bit forced. "I’ll just text him, I—"

"It’s not because you don’t like me, is it ? Or that you don’t trust me ?"

Jackson stopped dead in his tracks.

JB should enter archery competitions. His aim was deadly.

_Shit_.

"No of course not !" Jackson blurted out, rushing back towards JB’s desk to avoid speaking too loudly and drawing everyone’s attention

JB rose his eyebrows, falling back against his chair and looking up at Jackson through narrowed eyes.

"Really ?"

"Yes obviously."

Why was Jackson insisting ? He would be late for practice, covering his tracks should be the last thing on his mind at the moment.

JB got up from his chair.

He wasn’t much taller than Jackson, but enough for his gaze to feel heavy from the slight height. Jackson’s shoulders tensed up.

"So I’m imagining things ?" JB tilted his head, giving Jackson a petrifying look. "You don’t look at all ready to run away every time you see me ?"

Was it that obvious ? Jackson was many things, but apparently not a good actor.

Hopefully Jinyoung wouldn’t confront him about it, if he had noticed too.

"That’s just cause you’re intimidating." Jackson grinned, rubbing the back of his head as if he was embarrassed. "I’m not running away, I swear I… I’m just shy."

JB stared at him for a second then burst out laughing, muffling the sound with his hand.

He grabbed Jackson’s arm and pulled him towards the corner of the bookshelves area, where they wouldn’t draw this much attention with the noise they were making.

"You, shy ? Please, stop lying."

"I’m not lying !" Jackson lied, raising his voice indignantly. "You’re really intimidating, look at you ! I don’t want to look like an idiot in front of you."

JB’s face softened slightly, but visibly.

"So you run away instead ?"

Jackson nodded.

JB laughed and threw an arm around Jackson to shake him a bit.

"You don’t have to. I told you, you can even come to my dorm, how’s that intimidating ? We’re in the same classes, so let’s stick together. You can rely on me too. If you only stick to Youngjae, what are you gonna do tomorrow ?"

Jackson froze.

What ? Did JB know about…

"Tomorrow ?" he repeated

"Yeah." JB shrugged. "Youngjae has some medical appointments that clash with classes, did he not tell you ? He asked me to send him my notes."

Jackson’s mouth fell.

Shit.

What was he going to do now ? He had to wake up extremely early, and wouldn’t come back to Seoul until nighttime, he was skipping the entire day. Could he really bother Youngjae and ask him to relay the notes that someone else sent him ?

Or…

Oh no, he should have known this was a trap.

The only reason Jackson managed to stop himself from hitting his forehead on the nearest bookshelf for being so utterly stupid was because JB was watching.

This was the worst possible surprise test.

Jackson scanned his classmate up and down.

JB seemed to notice because he rose his eyebrows at him. Shit, he was going to find him weird.

"Do… Do you…" Jackson hesitated

Could he really pull a second person into this ? Youngjae hadn’t asked too many questions, but JB had a rogue acolyte with a tendency to always catch Jackson at moments when his façade slipped even just one millimetre. If he wasn’t careful, he would soon start walking on fiery embers rather than through a violent blizzard.

"Do you mind sending them to me too ?" Jackson asked, pulling his chin up a bit to push down the knot that was threatening to tighten around his throat. "I can’t be here tomorrow either."

JB stared at him again, tilting his head to the right.

"Doctors only work one day a week now ?" he deadpanned, then held out his hand. "Give me your number."

"I’m…"

Should he lie ? Say he had a doctor’s appointment too and then his training ? Wouldn’t that be suspicious ?

"I have a fencing schedule." he said instead, handing JB his phone. "I can’t miss it."

JB started punching the numbers into a contact sheet, then opened the text message option and started typing something to send himself.

"Oh yeah ?" he mumbled while he typed. "Like a competition ?"

JB sent himself a text and handed back the phone.

"It’s a small thing, but it matters a lot to my parents." Jackson shrugged, then laughed. "Don’t turn on the sports channel, you won’t find me, it’s not that kind of thing."

JB smiled and gave him a pat on the shoulder.

"Well, big or small, good luck anyway. Don’t forget to rest for next week."

Ah yes, they had workshops coming the following week, Jackson had been so lucky his competition was on this Friday.

Jackson smiled back at his classmate, and retreated towards the exit, waving with his phone still in his hand.

Hopefully he had passed the test.

The competition was a small one in comparison to what was waiting for him down the road, but Jackson’s hands were still shaking on the way there.

He hadn’t competed since he won his title.

What if he wasn’t as good anymore ? What if the championship win was a fluke ? Belated beginner’s luck ? Maybe he should have stayed in Hong Kong ? Maybe he shouldn’t have gone to university ? Or at least, not a university abroad ? What if all the time he spent on the dance team and classes hurt his chances at placing higher in the rankings ?

"Don’t be nervous ! Come on, baby, look at me, you’re gonna do great and your dad and I will be watching live, okay ?"

Ah yes. This was also his first competition without one of his parents in attendance.

He was standing in the hallway outside of the changing rooms, looking at his mother’s smiling face on his phone screen. His parents had insisted to call him to cheer for him before the competition started.

Jackson smiled at his mother and waved goodbye.

The day went by in a flash, unsurprisingly. It always happened, it was like Jackson’s brain had a switch that turned on as soon as he heard the announcers call the beginning of the competition. Suddenly, his body cooled down, and all thoughts that weren’t about his moves, his body, his sabre, vanished in the snap of a finger. It was like the gates of an airlock had closed around his mind.

It gave him a warped notion of time, where everything went by excruciatingly slow and vertiginously fast at the same time. His heart was beating steadily, never racing, and there was no more insidious voice creeping around his thoughts. He was focused. People had told him several times that it made him look terrifying.

Jackson played four times. And won four times.

He wouldn’t lie and say he hadn’t hoped that Gao Dahai would be here, the junior silver medalist for Asia three years in a row who had qualified two years for World Championships. But no, apparently he was ‘’ _focusing all his attention on the big game_ ’’. Which translated into : he was training to get higher in the rankings to cement his spot on the national team, and he didn’t see any of the fencers below him as a threat. The only way is up, right ?

Well, he was in for a surprise, by the name of Jackson Wang, who was now one step closer behind him.

"Jackson !" his coach called out once Jackson came back to the group with a gold medal around his neck. "Come, there’s someone I’d like you to meet."

Coach Song put an arm around his shoulders and drew him away from his teammate, who were looking at him with unreadable faces.

Song brought him towards a man who looked in his fifties, and was turning the pages of a notebook that had all the corners twisted like it had been used too many times. The man had a name tag pinned to his suit, and Jackson immediately identified the characters. Even before Coach Song introduced him, Jackson knew who he was dealing with.

"Jackson, this is Yong Yaojun, he’s one of the men in charge of the qualifications for the Chinese national team, he wanted to meet you."

Jackson immediately bowed. The switch turned back off, and all the nervousness he hadn’t felt during the competition shot straight to his throat. His head was starting to spin.

He had to keep himself steady. And smile, smiling was a sign of confidence, right ?

"You’ve been making quite some waves, Mister Wang." Yong Yaojun said with a smile of his own. "How’s your father ?"

"He’s very well, Sir." Jackson replied without a hitch in his voice

"He became a coach after retirement, is that right ?"

"Yes, that’s right, Sir."

"I’m wondering… how come is he not coaching you ?"

Jackson held his breath.

So far, despite the fact that he had read that question in many pairs of eyes over the years, no one had asked him out loud.

"My father believes in letting me have my own path without influencing me." he smiled politely

"That’s quite smart." Yong said, more to Coach Song than to Jackson. "Otherwise it might give the impression that you’re playing his competitions and not yours."

Jackson bit his lip.

"I must say, your style is very different than your father’s. I almost had to check your information twice."

Jackson felt his spine tense up. Why was this guy beating around the bush ?

"You’re the most promising young fencer if we just look at the statistics. I wanted to see for myself a few of the things that numbers can’t tell us. I’ll be watching you closely, we only have a few months left to confirm our lineup for the national team. I hope to see you in it."

Jackson bowed.

"It would be an honour, Sir."

_I wanted to see for myself a few of the things that numbers can’t tell us._

What did that mean ? Why bring up his father so much ? Was there an obstacle Jackson didn’t see coming and had no control over ? Would it cost him his goal to qualify for the Olympics ?

_Otherwise it might give the impression that you’re playing his competitions and not yours_.

What was going on ?

The question did not leave his mind all weekend, and was still chasing him around on Monday.

They had their first mandatory workshop that day, for their production class, and Coach Song did not mind Jackson missing a couple hours of his training _just this once_ —probably because of his crushing victory during the competition.

Jackson didn’t have any opportunity to celebrate.

Sure, his parents called him straight away to congratulate him and gush about him, but Jackson had been in the car next to the other members of his team, who hadn’t made the top three, so he had refrained from letting out his excitement and just thanked his parents.

At the dorm, Mark had asked to know all the details, and even treated him to dinner to celebrate, but they had to come back very early because they had a training session in the morning. It was short-lived excitement.

And now that he was back on campus, it was like the curtain had fallen. Jackson’s little bubble had burst. No one cared, no one knew, no one would congratulate him or celebrate with him, all they asked was for him to be there on time and do the work.

He felt like a host in a foreign body, sitting next to Youngjae, JB and Jinyoung in their angle of the workshop room. He heard what they were saying, but his own words sounded muffled, like he was hearing himself through a screen.

Thinking about it… it had always been like this, so what was different this time ? No one in school had cared about his fencing, or cheered for him, or congratulated him. Not even Jack, with his words of concern spiked with poison. He had barely given him a flat ‘’oh that’s cool’’ or an empty ‘’good job, that’s great for you’’.

He had himself and his parents, shouldn’t that be enough ?

_Be your own best friend_. If a best friend was meant to be there to cheer you on, then Jackson had to be his own number one cheerleader. He had to be the one to congratulate himself, pat himself in the back and proudly hold the medal.

But he couldn’t lie to himself…

He really wished that there had been just one person, just one friend. Was it selfish to wish you weren’t the only one rooting for yourself ?

He must have sighed out loud, because suddenly, he was faced with a pair of wide eyes.

"Did I say something wrong ?" Youngjae asked, looking at their other two classmates for confirmation

Jackson straightened up immediately, realising he must have lost himself in his thoughts while Youngjae was giving suggestions for their assignment.

"No, no, I’m sorry !" he blurted out as quickly as possible. "I was thinking about something else, you didn’t say anything wrong."

"Shouldn’t you be thinking about the work we’re doing right now ?"

Ah.

Yes.

That voice.

Jackson took a deep breath and turned his head towards Jinyoung, giving him the best smile he could muster through his clenched jaw.

"Who says I wasn’t thinking about the work we’re doing ? Can you read my mind now ?"

Jinyoung’s face darkened. He scowled at Jackson but turned back to Youngjae. The flame didn’t linger on.

Maybe Jackson could handle this after all.

Did he really need a friend to cheer him on, actually ? He had fought the blizzard on his own just fine, so why lean on somebody else now ?

He could handle it.

"Jackson Wang, why the hell did you not tell me you were a professional athlete ?"

Or not.

Bambam burst through the doors of the gym, stomping furiously towards Jackson.

Jackson barely had time to run towards him, smack his hand on Bambam’s mouth and push their two bodies straight out of the gym.

Luckily, only a few of the people from the dance team were there, and they were probably too absorbed by their own conversation to properly catch what Bambam had yelled.

"What the hell are you talking about ?" Jackson hissed, only letting go of his teammate when they were outside, and far enough from the door so the people who had yet to join them wouldn’t hear them

Bambam wiped his mouth and started gesturing in the air.

"I saw you on the sports channel ! I’m hurt, you should have told me, I would have cheered you on !"

Jackson froze.

The string of curses and warnings that were about to spill from his mouth died before they even reached his tongue.

"Why were you watching the sports channel ?" was the only coherent sentence he managed to articulate

"I was bored, so I decided to practice my Korean by skipping from channel to channel to see if I would understand the context every time."

"That’s pretty smart."

Jackson’s head was pounding.

"I know." Bambam replied before pulling on Jackson’s arm repeatedly. "Now confess, you traitor, why did you shut me up ? Why are you so violent ? Is that your secret identity ? Are you Spiderman ?"

Jackson grabbed Bambam’s head and shut his mouth with his hand once again.

"Only Mark knows, so you better stay quiet about it."

"I can do that." Bambam managed to utter under Jackson’s hand

Jackson let him go.

Bambam straightened up and looked at Jackson with wide, expectant eyes, like a kid who’d just been told about a surprise present and was waiting for his parent to pull it out from behind their back.

The only thing in Jackson’s back was the tension of his muscles.

He could rule out the option that Bambam was an extraterrestrial being with mind-reading powers out of sheer logic, but it still did not explain the synchronicity. Jackson had been thinking about a friend cheering him on a few hours earlier, and there Bambam appeared using the exact same words. It couldn’t be a coincidence, this only meant one thing.

It was a test.

A glaring, sirens blasting full volume kind of test.

Probably to teach Jackson to be careful about the wishes he made even in his own mind.

"Yes, I’m a fencer." he sighed. "I’m trying to get to the Olympics."

Bambam’s face lit up.

"I don’t know anything about fencing but consider me your number one fan !" he exclaimed, throwing his arm around Jackson’s shoulders

Jackson gave him a tight smile.

That was an easy thing to say to someone, but Jackson was meant to be his own number one fan.

"Oh !" Bambam started bouncing up and down without letting go of Jackson’s shoulders. "Will you teach me some things ? I wanna be able to see the moves when I watch you play !"

Jackson frowned.

That one was new.

People always said they didn’t know anything, no one ever asked to actually learn about it.

Before Jackson could find an answer to give, Bambam fell against Jackson with a loud sigh.

"Wow… The Olympics…" then, suddenly looked at Jackson with the same wide eyes from earlier. "Is that…? Is that really possible, are you _that_ good ?"

Jackson stared at him, scanning his face to detect any trace of anything. Any red flag, any siren, any crack, anything that looked off. No cold wind, no flame. It was the easiest face to read that Jackson had ever encountered, perfectly transparent, perfectly expressive. If it was dishonest, then Jackson might have just met the best actor on the planet.

"Bambam…" he sighed

Bambam’s head perked up, eyes shining with curiosity.

Jackson’s heart burst.

"I’m the junior fencing champion of Asia." he said, with a quirk of his eyebrows

Bambam’s jaw dropped. Jackson laughed.

It was the first time he said it. Mark, the dean, Coach Song, his parents, his teammates… everyone had read the information on a paper or heard about it from somebody else, but Jackson had never uttered the words aloud himself.

His heart was racing. His cheeks were heating up and he couldn’t stop his grin from spreading to his ears.

"That sounds cool, it’s cool right ?" Bambam asked, already starting to bounce excitedly again

"It’s pretty cool." Jackson laughed

The remaining members of the team, including Fei, appeared at that moment, walking towards the gym.

Bambam started waving his arms around.

"Man, why are you not flexing in front of everybody ? Hey guys—"

Jackson was quick to grab his teammate’s face again.

"Shut up." he growled. "It has ruined my life to let people know about it. Please, keep it quiet."

Bambam looked at him, the excited spark in his eyes suddenly replaced with something sadder, like concern.

"Okay, you can count on me." he said once Jackson let him go. "I’ll be a silent cheerleader, is that okay ?"

Jackson’s heart clenched. He felt his lungs tighten, and his eyes burn up.

"More than okay?" he smiled

As soon as they came back to the court where they rehearsed, the music already blaring through the gym, Bambam ran to his duet partner, that he still called Tall Guy despite knowing his name very well.

"How did he find out ?" Mark asked when Jackson joined him next to the speakers

"Television."

Mark hummed.

"Well it was that or social media."

He looked at Jackson in the eyes.

"I told you…" he sighed. "People will find out. You chose a road that doesn’t let you stay anonymous long."

"I know."

Jackson knew.

There was a countdown over his head but he couldn’t read the numbers.

"What happens if they find out ?" Mark lowered his voice

Jackson knew he wasn’t doing anything wrong. He was just holding some information, he wasn’t exactly hurting anyone by not disclosing the extent of his competitive activities.

But he remembered that day, when everyone in school had found out about him winning medals live on television. The way their eyes had darkened, like a switch putting out the lights in the whole room.

He took a deep breath.

"I guess I’ll just brace for impact."

_Let’s meet at our dorm to work on the workshop assignment today_

Followed by an address, a room number and a time.

Jackson didn’t expect to wake up to a text that didn’t come from his mother.

And certainly not from JB either.

A week had passed since the competition, so Jackson knew he didn’t have any cards left to play with Song, he had to be strict about his training schedule.

Still, assignments for mandatory workshops were the most important grades after the exams. If he didn’t take them seriously, he would be sabotaging his chances at getting a degree.

Shit.

He should have never done both. He should have negotiated more with his parents.

Thankfully, this was a day of morning training, not evening, so Jackson was clear to work with his classmates after classes. He just told Mark he might be late for dinner and to not wait for him.

The assignment was relatively easy, according to their professor, compared to what awaited them during the rest of the year. The aim was for them to familiarise with the first major software they’d have to use.

Jackson had followed Youngjae to the dorms. His classmate seemed to know his way around already, as he didn’t even check JB’s message to remember what floor and number they were looking for.

JB and Jinyoung’s room was much smaller than Mark and Jackson’s dorm. On top of that, it had been set up like a mini studio so the equipment was eating up a lot of space.

Jackson deliberately did not look at Jinyoung the whole time.

Not a full hour into their work session, Jackson’s phone buzzed in his pocket.

He took a second to check who it was, just in case it might be important, and found himself staring at the second most unexpected text of the day.

From his father this time.

_Why didn't you tell me you spoke to Yong Yaojun ? What did he tell you ?_

For a reason he could not explain, Jackson felt a weight fall over his chest.

His fingers started shaking around his phone.

He had one dream. One goal. He had worked his ass off, left his country and his family, learned a different language, sacrificed study time, lost friends, he had injured himself and exhausted his body, and he had a pile of medals to show for it. There was a cold, chilling fear creeping from behind him.

His dream was in danger.

He didn’t know why or how. He only knew that he had reached a point where people around him couldn’t ignore it anymore. Ignore what ? That was the million dollar question.

Jackson’s grip tightened around his phone.

Why was it always something he didn’t see coming ? This time, he couldn’t even remember warning flags. It was just a gut feeling.

A gut feeling that felt like a monstrous earthquake rumbling low, ready to destroy everything Jackson had striven to build.

And it made him angry.

So angry that he felt his teeth clench. His breath shorten. His face grow too warm.

"What are you doing, Jinyoung, this sounds awful !"

Jackson jumped.

Youngjae stared at him with concerned eyes.

JB was the one who had yelled, launching himself towards the keyboard that Jinyoung had been working on for fifteen minutes and playing over and over a melody that, indeed, sounded _slightly_ off.

"Ah shit I read the wrong key, I thought the root note was G."

"It’s E, Jinyoung."

Jackson got up from where he was sitting on the floor and dusted his pants. His head was spinning.

"Where can I get some water ?" he asked, his voice low and thick

"Wait, I’ll show you." JB replied. "Jinyoung, get the right key, we’re gonna get kicked out of that class if we can’t even tell minor scales from major scales."

JB gestured at Jackson to follow him towards the small kitchen area, grabbed an empty glass and filled it for him.

"Thanks." Jackson muttered, taking the glass that his classmate was handing him

JB stared at him closely.

"Are you okay ? You look sick."

"I’m fine."

"We’ve been holed up in here for a while, it’s getting hot, come with me."

He grabbed Jackson’s arm and pulled him along towards the exit.

"We’ll be right back guys." he told their other two classmates

Yes, Jackson _did_ feel the burning trail of the eyes that followed them.

JB walked Jackson out of the dorm room, and into the freezing hallway. He pulled him along all the way to the stairs, where somehow the air felt even colder.

Maybe they had been stuck inside too long, maybe Jackson did need some fresh air.

His head was reeling.

"How long have you been away from home ?"

Jackson’s eyes widened at the sudden question.

JB’s eyes were on him, unreadable as usual.

"Mmm…" Jackson counted mentally. "Going on four months now."

"Do you have any friends here from there ?"

Jackson dropped his head.

Well. He technically sort of had someone. Not exactly a friend, and not exactly from his hometown.

"Not really." he shrugged, downing the rest of the water. "I don’t really have many friends from home in general."

JB nodded slowly.

"I get that." he hummed. "I just thought you might be homesick."

Jackson bit his lips.

Was he ?

He did miss his parents but he wasn’t sure if he missed a specific place. He did feel his heart skip a beat every time he heard Mandarin or Cantonese. Was that what homesickness felt like ? Was it the fact that he felt like a guest in any place he entered here, even his own dorm room ?

"I’m fine." he sighed. "I just have a packed schedule and not much time to breathe."

"Are you sure you should be doing so much fencing ? Especially if it’s to make your parents happy. I mean, you have school work. And exams are coming pretty fast."

Jackson breathed in. He gave JB a smile.

"It’s fine, I can handle both."

"I’m just saying… We’re in this together. It’s the four of us for this assignment, who knows about the ones that’ll come but for group projects, your performance is our performance too."

That made sense.

Jackson was used to play solo sports, teams were more of a temporary truce than a genuine alliance in his experience. But it did make sense.

"Don’t worry." he smiled wider. "I’ll do my best, you won’t have to worry about my performance at any point."

JB nodded, giving him a small smile in return, and patted him on the shoulder.

"Just take time to breathe."

He eyed the door of his room at the end of the hallway, and let out a heavy sigh.

"I hope this goes right."

"Why ? I thought we were doing good so far."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. But you know. When you have a dream, you tend to take this stuff more seriously."

Jackson let his back rest against the wall behind him.

"I know." he mumbled. "And people don’t always understand why."

JB looked at him, his gaze softer than before. He nodded pensively.

"You’d think since we’re all in the same major, we’d all want the same things and with the same intensity. But some people are still in the dark."

Was Jackson in the dark too ?

"What’s your dream ?" JB suddenly asked, tilting his head and narrowing his eyes as if to look at Jackson in more detail

Jackson’s spine tensed up.

"If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me." he joked, avoiding his classmate’s gaze

"Try me. We’re in the same major, it can’t be that outrageous."

Jackson hesitated.

Should he tell him ? He had told Bambam.

But JB was not Bambam. If Jackson told him that fencing was not actually a hobby he pursued to keep his parents happy, all the respect he might be earning from his classmate would crumble down.

Jackson was a fraud after all. He had chosen a major the same way people throw a dart at a map to choose a travel destination. He had no idea what he was doing there, or what he would do once he had a degree in his hands —if he even managed to get to that point.

He really should have been smarter about this.

"I—" he finally found the courage to say

"Hey, I’m done, can you check if it works now ?"

Jinyoung was standing in the hallway, in front of the open door of the dorm room. His face was blank.

JB pushed himself off from the staircase.

"Alright, let’s see."

Jackson waited a second before following him back to the room.

Was he about to tell him the truth ? Or would he have made up something on the spot to cover his tracks again ?

When JB came inside the room, Jinyoung stepped up and stood in front of the door, blocking Jackson’s way.

Jackson rose his eyebrows, meeting his classmate’s eyes.

"Something wrong ?" he asked, trying to keep his tone as neutral as possible as he was standing a bit too close to the open flame

"What were you talking about ?"

Jinyoung’s tone was flat. Not cold, not dry. Jackson had a feeling that wouldn’t last long.

Jackson shrugged.

"Dreams and all that you know."

He try to take a step forward to bypass Jinyoung but his classmate walked in front of him again.

Now Jackson was staring at the flame so closely that he could almost feel its heat on his face.

He took a deep breath, trying not to flinch as his classmate glared at him.

"If you think you know him…" Jinyoung hissed. "Spoiler alert : you don’t. He’s my friend, not yours."

Jackson frowned.

He stared at Jinyoung, confused.

"I never said anything about—"

"Cut the bullshit." Jinyoung took one step forward, and Jackson had back down to avoid getting burned. "I know guys like you. I don’t buy any of your act."

Jackson froze.

_Bullshit. You want her to break up with me so she can be with you. Don’t think I don’t know guys like you._

No, no, no.

_Don’t think I don’t know guys like you._

No, please no.

_I know guys like you._

Jackson’s fists clenched. His hands were shaking, and he had to force himself to keep them next to his hips instead of crashing his fists against the wall.

He held Jinyoung’s gaze. He had no idea what his own eyes looked like, but there was fire on his tongue.

"You don’t know anything about me."

"That’s where you’re wrong." Jinyoung replied, obviously not noticing that he was two seconds away from a close encounter with Jackson’s hands. "Don’t fool yourself, you’re not some mysterious guy everyone wants to know more about. Everything’s written right there, on your forehead. In bold letters."

He poked Jackson’s forehead, as if to punctuate his words.

Jackson swatted his hand away.

"Ah yeah ?"

He took a step closer. Jinyoung did not back down but Jackson saw his classmate’s shoulders grow tenser by the second.

"And what if I told you you’re really bad at reading ? Didn’t you show that earlier ? I’m exactly like that root note, whatever you think you read, you read wrong. You’re just pretentious."

Jinyoung’s jaw visibly clenched.

"Really ?" his voice was dripping with acid now. "So there’s no act ?"

Jackson shrugged, putting a hand on the door frame and leaning on it.

"If you don’t believe me, you can just play detective."

The flame suddenly burned brighter, as if it had been fanned.

"That’s a great suggestion, thank you." Jinyoung grinned

He turned around, ready to return to the work they were doing and leave Jackson hanging in the hallway.

"Just a heads up." Jackson called after him. "Whatever you’ll find, you’ll be disappointed."

Jinyoung seemed to think for a second, looking at the ceiling, then back at Jackson with a grin that Jackson never wanted to see ever again in his life.

"As long as I can prove to JB and Youngjae that you’re just a fraud, I can’t be disappointed."

Then, he whipped around and joined JB behind the keyboard.

Jackson was screwed.

He was done for.

Mark had said it himself. _People will find out_. Easily. Jackson’s days were numbered.

However, it wasn’t the thing on his mind right now.

No, he wasn’t done for because people would soon find out Jackson had omitted quite a big detail in his first day self-introduction.

It was obvious that life would send him countless tests to try his resolutions, to see if he learned his lessons. It was also obvious that Jinyoung was never going to turn out to be a friendly player.

But Jackson did not expect this type of foul play.

_Don’t think I don’t know guys like you._

_I know guys like you._

Jinyoung had used the exact same words that Jack did, back when Jackson was in high school.

Jack, the boy who had absolutely destroyed Jackson’s reputation and made him terrified of even walking to class in the morning. Jack who had managed to turn everyone against Jackson without anyone doubting him. The boy who Jackson had tried so hard to run away from that he signed up for dance classes and even chose to study abroad.

He had fled his country to start over.

He wanted a blank page.

Instead, he had walked in a more dangerous fire.

It was not just Fei, and the ghost of Eugene, following him across the sea. No, it was all the ghosts. All the painful memories he had tried to bury and leave back home.

That was the real reason why he didn’t feel homesick.

Because he was running away.

And now the ghosts had caught up with him.

Jackson was screwed.

How would he survive this time ? How we handle this on his own ?

This was too big for him, he either had to declare forfeit or run away again.

_Be your own best friend._

Screw that. Jackson was all alone. Alone and defenceless.

The wheels of tragic irony that had followed him his entire life had finally started turning again.


	4. Part Two (1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Make history if you have to.

**_(Part Two)_ **

The wheels started turning again, but it wouldn’t be life it didn’t take its sweet time weaving its plan for Jackson.

Time passed.

It was almost time for the first round of exams, that marked the middle of the school year.

Jackson had made it halfway through.

He probably owed it to a miracle.

Or to the relentlessness that came with years of pushing his body through its limits, no matter how many injuries needed to be nursed after. Jackson was an athlete for a reason.

Now.

Quite some things can happen in a few months.

For example.

Winning a few more competitions.

That one wasn’t so surprising, but it was still worth every scream of joy and victory dance in Jackson’s eyes. After all, the road to World Championships wasn’t paved for him. He had no guarantee to win, so when he did, he had to savour every single millisecond of it.

Also because he wasn’t so sure they would let him go all the way to the end of his rainbow anymore.

He was now into the actual rounds of qualifications. He had taken several breaks from class, no one had found out yet why, thankfully.

He had seen Yong Yaojun every time. He would always find him watching him when he was playing, or warming up, or talking to someone. He had yet to meet Gao Dahai however.

Yong didn’t speak to him. Jackson had no idea what he thought of his victories, of the way he played, of his chances to qualify for the national team. He was in the dark.

As always, it seemed.

"Don’t worry too much about it." Mark kept telling him. "Just keep doing your best, you’re bound to know soon."

Bambam had a different approach to the question.

"Fuck that. If he can’t see how good you are, then he’s bad at his job."

"Bambam, you can’t tell national team examiners they’re bad at their job."

"Says who ?"

It gave Jackson a small, sharp break. It made him laugh for a second, and he would forget about the wheels turning.

Because that was all that occupied his mind on a daily basis.

The wheels.

Turning and turning. Slowly, incessantly. When would they stop ? When they reached their destination probably, but what was that destination and how long would it take to get there?

Or rather, who would be the one to unpin the grenade and throw it straight to Jackson’s feet ?

Jackson knew he was being tested, and on more than one lesson apparently. However, he still didn’t know who was there to teach him what. And he also didn’t know if there was one safe open door in front of him.

Jinyoung was the most obvious test. He was the likeliest candidate to turn out to be the ticking bomb above Jackson’s head.

_"As long as I can prove to JB and Youngjae that you’re just a fraud with a big mouth, I can’t be disappointed."_

Yeah, he definitely wasn’t a safe door.

So far, his classmate didn’t seem to have reached a breakthrough in his investigation, but Jackson tried to stay as far away as he could when he saw him around campus. When they were hanging out with the same people, or had group projects where they were fatefully put together, he would just never look at him in the eyes. Maybe if he blocked him out a little, he could buy himself some time.

The other person Jackson was convinced was a walking trap set out for him, was Fei.

He was also quite good at avoiding her as much as possible. They saw each other during dance team practice, and actually moved pretty well together, but Jackson conveniently was always in the bathroom when she had to leave.

There was a thought that kept knocking to the door of Jackson’s brain, relentlessly.

Her eyes.

There was a strange gleam in them. Like hesitation. Fear maybe ? Sadness ? It was the look that people had in their eyes when they had something to say but weren’t sure the moment was right.

Jackson had another reason for running away from any opportunity to have a long, personal conversation with his old elementary school classmate.

What were the chances that she hadn’t told her brother she had met him again ? What were the chances that staying too close to her, too long, wouldn’t result in a surprise encounter with Liu Eugene, the best friend who never saw him as his best friend ?

But someone had to be safe, right ? Life couldn’t have sent out all of its ammunition racing towards him ? One of them, had to be a safe door, or else how would he survive staying in this country until he got his degree ?

He wanted it to be Mark.

If Mark turned out to be another trap, then Jackson would probably never get up again. Not just because they lived together, went to school together, trained together, bought groceries together, trained a dance team together, had dinner together, hung out together after practices, shared some secrets together, spoke the same languages together, but because Mark was the one who had called himself Jackson’s _friend_.

Not just that one time when they were out to buy supplies, it was a repeated offense.

" _This is my friend Jackson_." Mark had told his brother on a video call once, showing Jackson’s face for a second. " _He’s nice but he’s bad at games_."

" _Jackson, if you keep buying more bananas than this fridge can fit, I’m gonna have to end our friendship."_ he had yelled one time, when Jackson was in the shower

" _That’s what friends are for_." he had said, with a smile, bringing Jackson something to eat at school when Jackson had forgotten because of how hectic his schedule had been that day

Jackson had written down every single one of them with a red permanent marker in his memory.

Yeah. He knew it was dangerous for him to put so many hopes onto Mark, knowing his history with friendships, but the wheels were already turning.

If Jackson was meant to crash and burn one last time, then he had handed Mark the pen to write how his end would play out.

There was also Bambam.

Bambam was like one of those plushies that turned out to take a lot more space than you thought they would, but that had a smile that made it impossible to sleep without them in the room.

Metaphorically, obviously. Jackson would probably not survive sleeping in the same room as that human supernova. His silent cheerleader.

Silent was a bit of an exaggeration, because Bambam was incredibly loud about everything, but he was only loud about Jackson’s things when the doors were closed.

" _When you get your own house one day, are you gonna have a whole room just for your medals and trophies ?"_ he had asked, out of the blue, the first time he had hung out at the dorm with Jackson and Mark

If Bambam turned out to be a trap… then Jackson’s heart would sink. It would crack. It would weep.

Because Bambam was like a strong, sudden gust of wind. It blew, it threw every single thing on the ground, and there was no way to catch them before they fell. Bambam had blown through Jackson’s life and was now rooted in it like there was never a time when he hadn’t received his very-early-morning unhinged quadruple texts in mixes of four languages that Jackson didn’t always understand. Like there was never a time when Jackson didn’t wait to see that babyish grinning face burst through the doors of the bus on Monday mornings, when they started classes around the same hour.

Youngjae, Jackson still wasn’t too sure about.

Trap or safe door ? It was unlikely that there would be more than one safe door, and if there were, Jackson would guess there wouldn’t be more than two. By that logic, if Mark and Bambam were safe doors, then Youngjae was a trap.

How ? Excellent question.

Jackson’s guess was that, just like his classmates in high school, Youngjae would find out something about Jackson —true or not— and would believe it without thinking for a second, and throw Jackson out of his life.

Would that make Jackson sad ?

Well. A bit, yes. Youngjae just felt so… secure ? His booming laugh when Jackson made a joke, made his heart swell. He was Jackson’s company when walking to classes, always with an arm around Jackson’s shoulders, always pushing him around if Jackson teased too much. Always leaning on Jackson’s arm when evening classes got too heavy for him to stand straight. Always adding random stickers and emojis in his texts after sending Jackson his notes. Always there.

What about JB ?

He was Jackson’s biggest blindspot.

Somehow, he was always there too. Stone-faced, then randomly smiling, holding out a water bottle when Jackson was breathless from running from the gym to get to class in time. Sending him music files and asking for his opinions on it. And never, ever, more than ten feet away from the flame that flickered too close to the wick.

JB _had_ to be a trap. A test to see if Jackson had learned about bad ideas and fatal mistakes from his high school days.

In conclusion, Jackson was halfway through his school year and the ticking clock still hadn’t set off.

It was like one of those games. Jackson was looking at seven cards, seven faces, and he had to guess which one was the culprit —or in this case, which one would be the fateful addition to his list of repeated failures at every level of education.

Seven ? Yes.

There was a seventh candidate that had appeared in the months since Jackson’s first competition since moving to Korea.

One Kim Yugyeom, from the dance team. Bambam’s Tall Guy. The two were still bickering as much as when they first met, but now they had turned into a two-for-one package deal. It didn’t help that Yugyeom was the absolute best dancer of the team, and when Mark had realised that, he had asked him to help them with choreographies.

So now, it was always the four of them together : Jackson, Mark, Bambam and Yugyeom. At the training center’s dorms, in the gym, at lunch, on weekends…

As one would expect, it didn’t take long for Jackson’s secret to not make it through the addition to their group.

"A what ?" Yugyeom had frowned, looking at all three faces in front of him and the suitcase at Jackson’s feet

‘’Junior fencing champion of Asia." Bambam had repeated, patting his chest like _he_ was the champion

Yugyeom’s eyes had turned so wide that Jackson had almost asked if he needed to go the hospital to get it checked out.

"But you can’t tell anyone." Mark had insisted. "Even in the dance team."

"Even Fei." Jackson added for good measure —he still hadn’t disclosed any information on what actually happened between them, but no one asked questions either

"You can’t dump that much information on me like that guys !" Yugyeom had whined, and then promised to keep his mouth shut about it

_That much information_ actually referred to the fact that Jackson was packing his bags to go to Shanghai, where his next competition would take place.

That competition was only between Chinese fencers. In other words, it was a nest of potential future national team athletes. Jackson was competing for the title of junior member of the team. There were only two rankings separating him from the qualification. This was one of the most important days of his career.

And he had three people cheering him on from Korea.

Jackson hadn’t returned to Hong Kong since graduating high school, however most of his competitions were starting to take place in China now that the selection was fast approaching.

This implied a few things.

One : Jackson was now on his own, the other members of Song’s junior team were starting to compete for the spot in the Korean national team. For a while, they wouldn’t be rivals anymore. Jackson hadn’t asked what would happen if he qualified for World Championships for China and one of his teammates qualified for Korea. And the question was starting to take root in his mind and send his thoughts down a spiral of hypotheticals.

Would he be able to stay ? Would he have to go back ?

Two : Coach Song was now split in between Jackson and the other team members. As Jackson’s coach, he had to come to his competitions, but when they took place in China, that meant he had to leave the rest of the team to their own games. This was the source of _some_ looks in his teammates’s eyes that were starting to make the training centre feel colder than ever before.

And three : if their schedules aligned well, Jackson’s parents could make the trip to see him compete.

Actually, this time was special. Both of his parents had managed to clear their schedules, so Jackson would be reunited with his mother and his father for the first time since getting in the plane that brought him to Korea.

His throat felt tight, and his heart was about to burst out of his ribs.

Jackson was talking to Coach Song about the remote control of the air conditioning in his hotel room running out of batteries when he heard the most familiar, heart-warming, homey voice in the whole wide world.

"My baby !"

Jackson ran. When his arms wrapped around his mother and he held her as tight as his arms could without breaking her bones, tears shot straight to his eyes.

"Oh my baby…" his mother hummed, stroking his hair and kissing his temples

Jackson’s father and Coach Song greeted each other warmly, and started some small talk about their respectives trips to get to Shanghai.

Jackson let his mother push him up and take his face into her hands. She smiled softly at him, wiping the tears on his cheeks with her thumbs. Jackson had forgotten what her eyes felt like. He was so used to the cold, to the sharp, and even to the flames, that a chill ran down his spine when he saw the gleam that shined there.

This was his safe door.

"My big baby…" she pouted. "You look so tired, are you sure you’ve been sleeping enough ?"

"I’m fine Mom." Jackson laughed. "The plane took off very early, that’s all."

She looked at him without saying anything for a while, just smiling and wiping the tears away from his eyelashes.

"My handsome boy."

Jackson felt warm.

"Aren’t you guys hungry ?" his father called from behind them. "Come on, let’s go, I’m treating you to lunch to celebrate for tomorrow."

The four of them found themselves sitting at a table together, in a nice restaurant not far from the arena where the competition was set to take place.

Jackson’s mother kept adding food to his plate, despite how many times Coach Song protested that he had to watch his diet for the next day.

"I haven’t seen my boy in forever." his mother countered. "Let me have this for today."

Jackson laughed at the way his coach rolled his eyes.

"How’s Jackson at practices ?" his father asked then. "Does he get along with everyone ? He used to break out fights all the time back in the days, his old coach called him the referee."

Jackson’s mouth turned dry. He lowered his gaze, focusing on the food in his plate.

"There’s no fights to break up." Coach Song answered in between mouthfuls of his lunch. "But I don’t see him hang out much with his teammates. He’s always with his roommate from the gymnastics team."

"Mark !" Jackson’s mother exclaimed. "How is he ? That boy is adorable, I saw him on the phone, he goes to your school, right ?"

Jackson nodded, still not looking up from his plate.

"We should buy him a gift to thank him for taking such good care of Jackson." his mother told his father

Jackson’s muscles tensed.

He had many things to thank Mark for —and a few, minor, others he should curse him out for. He had tried to put it into words but they always died right on his tongue.

"What about school ?" his mother carried on. "Are you professors nice ? Did you make friends ?"

Jackson looked up at that.

He saw his coach’s eyes turn away and his lips tighten up. Jackson knew the conversation about him dropping out of university would come up in the coming months, Song had hinted at it several times when he said " _if you get selected, you’re gonna have to make some choices"_.

Jackson was buying time like it was his job at this point.

"School’s going well." he answered simply. "People are nice."

His parents nodded. Jackson saw in their eyes that same look as when he would come home from school as a kid, jumping up and down, saying he had made a new friend. Jackson remembered it perfectly now.

He could also remember in exact details that other look, the gleam of pain and heartbreak, when he came home with his head hung low. The look he had wished to never see again, as a six-year-old boy.

In that moment, sealing it with a gulp of the water in his glass, he swore to himself not to tell them anything about Jinyoung, or Fei, or his questions about traps and tests, if that meant they would keep looking at him with those warm, careless smiles.

"Jackson Wang ?"

Jackson whipped around, almost knocking over his sabre, that was leaning against the wall while Jackson fixed his gloves.

The young man in front of him was slightly older than him, with a round face and a large smile.

Jackson’s face fell.

The other fencer seemed to notice because he let out a small chuckle, then held out his hand.

"I can’t believe we have never met before." Gao Dahai said as an introduction. "I’ve seen you on TV."

Jackson shook his hand, but his mouth felt dry. A proverbial siren was blaring in his brain.

"Better late than never." he replied with a tight smile

Dahai tilted his head at that, then his eyes wandered towards the billboard with the names of all the fencers competing.

"Are we going against one another today ?"

He looked back at Jackson with a grin.

"We are. You must have been looking forward to this day."

Jackson’s jaw clenched. He grabbed his sabre from the wall and gave the older fencer a pointed look.

"I look forward to _every_ day."

The look he got in return was new.

"Don’t taunt your adversaries too much." Song told him when Jackson walked up to him after parting ways with Dahai. "That’s a strategy that tends to backfire."

"I wasn’t the one doing the taunting."

"Gao Dahai is ahead of you in the rankings, he doesn’t see you as competition. If you win against him today, you guys will be neck-to-neck for the selection. Now put all the time you spent winning medals in smaller competitions to good use."

Jackson looked at the competition hall, that was filling up by the second. He could spot his parents in the top rows, waving at him.

"What are my chances ?" he blurted out, looking at his coach straight in the eyes. "Against him ?"

Song seemed to think about it for a moment, looking at the rival fencer, who was shaking hands with Yong Yaojun a bit further away.

"Statistically." Song answered. "You have moved up the ranks faster than him. But he has a head start since he’s been competing longer than you have and has been to World Championships with the national team already."

That didn’t answer Jackson’s question.

"Jackson !" he heard his mother call, walking down the bleachers to reach the fence that separated them from the floor

Jackson excused himself and ran to see what she wanted to tell him.

She was holding Jackson’s phone, since he had given it to his parents instead of leaving it unattended in his bag, in the changing rooms. The screen was moving, like a video, and suddenly a familiar face popped up.

Jackson’s face lit up.

"Mark !" he laughed, grabbing the phone and waving at the camera. "What are you doing ? I can’t call right now."

"Look !" Mark replied, showing the background behind him

It was their dorm’s living room. There were snacks on the table and the television was on, Jackson could distinctly hear what sounded like sports channels commentaries. Mark rose the phone higher, and Jackson saw two other familiar faces, sitting down in front of the television.

"We’re watching you." Mark said, with a huge grin

Jackson’s mouth fell, but no sound came out.

"Jack-son-Wang ! Jack-son-Wang !" Yugyeom chanted from where he was sitting on the floor, putting his fist in the air

"Kick their asses, junior fencing champion of Asia !" Bambam yelled with his mouth full of snacks

Jackson’s eyes filled with burning tears.

Mark gave the camera a fist bump.

"I didn’t tell you because it was supposed to be a surprise." he explained, probably noticing that Jackson kept opening and closing his mouth, speechless

"I…" Jackson didn’t have the words, his heart was racing

"Come on. Go kick their asses and call me when you’re done."

When the call ended, Jackson handed the phone back to his mother, who was looking at him with the softest smile on her face.

"I always wanted for this day to happen." she said, wiping Jackson’s cheeks and gesturing at him to go back to his coach

When Jackson turned around, something switched.

His heart stopped racing, his muscles relaxed like snow melting around a flame, a surge of electricity shot through his blood. He walked across the hall, chin high, smile wide, sabre against his hip, running a hand through his hair.

This time, why not let the eyes turn to him ? Cold, harsh, kind, cameras, it didn’t matter as long as they were on him. 

This time, they should fear him.

He had the energy of an electrically charged hurricane, and he had people cheering him on.

An energy that carried him from adversary to adversary, without flinching or going down the slightest bit. Jackson was on a roll.

"Wang doesn’t seem tired." the commentator said as Jackson was walking to the floor to face his final competitor, Gao Dahai. "Let’s see if it lasts."

Jackson clicked his sabre with Dahai’s, as was customary. Then —not customary— he winked at him. Through the helmets, Dahai saw it and chuckled.

A split second before the referee announced the start of the round, Jackson’s eyes fell on a camera that had the same logo on it as he had seen on the corner of the screen of the television channel that Mark, Bambam and Yugyeom were watching.

He grinned.

Now.

Dahai was probably the best fencer Jackson ever played against, with the exception of his coach.

But the Jackson Wang who was playing today was not regular Jackson Wang. It was someone Jackson himself didn’t know or recognise.

Jackson was a star, not because he was some sort of celebrity, but because the fire that blasted out of him when he launched himself forward was the most powerful force in the universe, it was unstoppable, incomprehensible and all-shattering.

When the buzzer rang, loud and obnoxious, and the referee held his arms up in the air to call the end of the competition, what came out of Jackson’s gut wasn’t a scream of joy.

It was a victorious roar.

He had won.

He barely had time to shake hands with Dahai, because what followed was a tidal wave of people ushering him away, microphones in his faces, cameras, commentators, his name being called, questions being asked. Jackson’s head was spinning.

He barely had time to find the camera he had spotted earlier to wave directly at it, before he was taken away.

Jackson woke up from his daze about an hour later, as he sat down on a bench with a loud sigh, looking at the medal he had slipped off from his neck.

"There’s only one competition left before the lineup announcement." the voice of his coach made him look up. "You’ve been on a golden roll, I’d hate for the spell to wear out now."

Jackson bit his lip.

That was the fear keeping every fencer awake at night. That their lucky streaks would wear out. Jackson’s head was filled with similar questions after his Asia Championship win. They had subsided after winning several times, proving to himself that it wasn’t a temporary fluke, but they were bound to rush back to him.

Not a second later, Jackson was suddenly smothered in the tightest hug he had ever known.

"I’m so proud of you !" his mother cheered. "So, so proud, you were incredible, I’ve never seen you play like this."

Jackson’s father hugged him too, once his mother let him breathe.

"When did you get this good ?" he joked

Jackson grinned. He was about to reply, when a face he recognised too well appeared between his parents’ shoulders.

"Wang and Wang." Yong Yaojun chuckled. "What a sight."

Jackson’s father whipped around.

"Oh ! Yaojun, it’s been a long time !"

Jackson watched as his father and the national team selector exchanged greetings.

His spine was growing tenser by the second.

Yong’s eyes landed on him.

Jackson held his breath.

"I haven’t seen a fencer rise in the rankings this fast in over a decade." Yong commented, eyes narrowing as he looked at Jackson carefully. "I hope you’re not getting too used to the gold medals, they might lose their aura after a while."

"I’m not." Jackson replied, politely. "I value each one very much."

Yong nodded, his face was unreadable.

"Well I hope to see you next month in Beijing for the deciding round."

He turned around to face Jackson’s father again.

"Good to see you again, Wang. Good choice to let him play too, he’s much better than you."

Jackson’s father laughed.

Jackson, however, felt an icy wave fall over him.

_I wanted to see for myself a few of the things that numbers can’t tell us._

Jackson was closer than ever to his goal : if he won one more gold medal, he would make the national team. And yet.

And yet the taste on his tongue was bitter.

"I have to make a call." he mumbled, excusing himself away from his parents and his coach

He grabbed his phone and dialled Mark’s number.

_Otherwise it might give the impression that you’re playing his competitions and not yours_.

"JACKSON WANG !" a voice roared as soon as the call connected

Jackson laughed, pushing away the questions about what was ahead of him just for a moment.

"Jackson Wang !" Bambam cheered when Jackson came through the door of the gym’s changing rooms right behind Mark

Jackson chuckled, a second before two people taller than him threw themselves at him to shake him around.

"Guys don’t kill him, we need him for practice." Mark told them, pulling Yugyeom away before he could smother Jackson

"Look." the youngest of them pulled out his phone, showing an article from the Korean sports news. " _Shooting star Jackson Wang_."

Jackson grabbed his teammate’s phone to read. Indeed, it did read : _the latest competition in Shanghai proved once again the meteoric rise of China’s shooting star fencer Jackson Wang. He cements himself as the athlete-to-watch as selections for World Championships approach_.

Jackson’s grin grew so large it hurt.

"That’s right, Jack !" Bambam exclaimed, slapping Jackson’s shoulder. "You’re not a champion anymore, you’re a star."

"I told you not to call me Jack." Jackson groaned, pinching the Thai boy’s arm

"Ow. Okay then I’ll call you _Mister Olympics Shooting Star Jack-Jack Wang_ , is that okay ?"

Jackson shook his head.

"Still." Mark interjected, sitting down on the changing room’s bench and looking at Jackson with serious eyes. "If it was any other sports, people would have caught up already, you’re lucky no one found out yet."

Jackson’s smile fell.

Mark was right.

It had hit him that same morning, as he walked up the stairs of their class hall to get to Youngjae. Just over twenty four hours earlier, he had been surrounded by international cameras, holding up a gold medal and a bouquet of flowers. Now he was walking through a crowd of people who weren’t looking at him, who probably didn’t know his name, with his head hung low and covered by the hood of his sweater.

The walls were closing in on him.

Flying to Shanghai for a couple of days managed to distract Jackson from the questions usually wildly spinning around his head. But now that he was back in Seoul, he picked them up exactly where they had left off.

"I spoke to the dean." Mark said late one evening, when it was just the two of them left after dance practice. "Or rather, the dean spoke to me and I just nodded for three minutes."

They walked along the hallway, towards the exit, ready to close the place and get back to the dorm.

"He told me that they’re gonna decide soon which teams will receive funding to become official for next year." Mark carried on, looking for the keys in his bag. "He said we have to show we can carry the school’s name around the country, so I’m thinking we should prepare something."

"What happens if we don’t get the funding ?" Jackson asked

"We’ll just stay unofficial like this year, if we get enough people interested."

Jackson nodded.

Mark pushed the exit door open, and the sound of pouring rain crashing against the roofs and the ground suddenly hit both of them full force.

"Shit. Get the umbrella."

Jackson did as he was told, grabbing the umbrella from his bag and handing it to Mark, who was the first to get out of the gym.

Jackson stepped out, letting his roommate close the door.

The air was cold, and the smell of humid dirt washed over him, strong and familiar.

That’s when Jackson’s eyes fell on a small figure, hunched over a backpack that was lying on the ground, hair falling over her face like a thick curtain.

Fei.

Jackson held his breath when their eyes met. It was hard to miss them coming out of the gym, they were talking pretty loudly and the door was heavy.

She gave him a small smile.

"I forgot my umbrella." she said sheepishly

Mark held out his hand towards her.

"We’ll walk you to your dorm, it’s late, come on."

Fei grabbed his hand, thanking him with the shaking voice of someone who had also forgotten to take a jacket that was warm enough for the weather.

The three of them didn’t fit under the umbrella, so Jackson gave up his spot and drew up his hood, walking on Fei’s right side.

"I left it to dry in the window like an idiot." she sighed, as she showed them the way

"It happens." Mark laughed. "The other day I remembered to take it just cause I tripped on it when I was coming out of my room."

Fei glanced at Jackson, before quickly looking back at Mark to continue their conversation.

Jackson didn’t think much of it. She seemed to have this habit to send him stares he couldn’t interpret, and he would be lying if he said he really wanted to know. The only thing they shared was a bad memory from a far away time, Jackson was glad that the ghost had remained under the surface up to this point.

"Yeah I think the song will work well with the dance for—" Mark was saying when suddenly Fei’s phone ringtone cut them off, startling her

"I’m so sorry." she sighed before picking up the call. "What do you want ? I told you I’d call you when I get home."

Jackson bit his lip.

He didn’t mean to but he had caught the quickest glimpse of her phone screen when she had retrieved it from her bag. He might still be slow when it came to reading Korean characters, but he had spent enough time drilling Mandarin into his brain to be able to read the name of the caller in a split second.

_Idiot brother._

Jackson’s lungs felt tight. His hands were starting to feel restless, he buried them in his pockets to keep them from shaking.

He took a deep breath, trying to cool down the voice in his brain yelling at him to _run_.

"Yeah I know it’s late but I’m not home yet, I told you." Fei groaned

Jackson felt a pair eyes on him. He looked up.

Mark sent him a questioning nod of his chin.

Jackson waved off his concern.

"No I’m not alone, now stop or I’ll hang up in your face, it’s raining here."

Jackson couldn’t help it. He was focusing on the sounds coming from the phone, as if he could hear the voice of his old classmate.

He couldn’t.

All he heard was the pouring rain and the loudness in his head.

"No ! Don’t video call me ! I told you it’s raining. No you don’t know them. Eugene, shut up, I’m hanging up."

Before she could press on the button to disconnect the call, a face popped up on the screen, moving, and Jackson stopped breathing.

"Look !" Fei huffed, holding the phone up to show Mark’s confused face. "Say hi to Mark Tuan who rescued my stupid self who forgot her umbrella. Okay now goodbye."

She hung up.

Her eyes turned to Jackson, almost too quick to catch, then she picked up the conversation with Mark where they left off.

Jackson’s head was numb.

He couldn’t hear the rain anymore.

Fei had been too quick to move the phone, Jackson hadn’t seen Eugene’s face, but somehow he still felt like a ghost had passed through him.

His lungs felt cold and his heart heavy.

They reached Fei’s dorm. She thanked them again many times, before running towards the door.

Something was burning at the tip of Jackson’s tongue.

His feet moved before his brain could realise what he was about to do.

"Wait here !" he told Mark

He crossed the space that separated him from the dorm’s door faster than it took for Fei to open it. In what felt like a millisecond, he stood in front of her, and she rose her wide eyes towards him.

"You didn’t tell your brother that you saw me again ?" he blurted out, more like a fact than a question

Fei froze.

She closed the door and faced him.

"No." she said. "Why would I ?"

"I don’t know. He’s your brother."

"Did you want me to ?"

Jackson held his breath.

Did he ?

No.

His story with Eugene had ended the day the boy had moved areas. They were never meant to cross paths again. That was how childhood friendships worked.

And why would Jackson want to talk to Eugene again ?

He wasn’t Eugene’s friend. He had made that clear. And it was fine now, Jackson was an adult he could get over that, right ? Some people were not meant to be friends, no matter how many fantastical adventures they made up in a school yard, no matter how many cartoons they quoted to each other, no matter how many gravel pies they baked together.

Eugene’s friend had been Liwei.

Not Jackson.

He had no reason to see him again.

"No." he mumbled, turning around to walk back under the rain. "Forget it.’’

"Jackson !"

He looked at her, through the rain that poured down his face.

She bit her lips.

"I think we should talk about—"

"Fei. We were kids. There’s nothing to talk about it. See you tomorrow."

Before she could try to hold him back, he ran back to Mark, ducking to fit under the umbrella with his roommate.

It took about fifteen minutes for Mark to make a comment. They had just managed to catch their bus, and had even found empty seats for them to rest a bit.

"I have a question." he said while Jackson was trying to dry his hair a bit with the sleeves of his hoodie

Argh.

No.

Not the questions.

Jackson hated questions.

Especially since he knew what was coming.

"What happened between you and Fei ?" Mark’s tone was more expressive than Jackson would have anticipated on this topic, somewhere between bewildered and exasperated. "You’re always so awkward around each other but you told me you guys only knew each other for one year in _elementary school."_

Jackson gritted his teeth.

Mark’s most unnerving personality trait was how observant he was. His eyes always landed on the most crucial detail every time, there was nothing that slipped through his fingers, he was too quick to catch.

"Are we awkward ?" Jackson pretended to wonder, making a face as if it was the first time he heard that information

Mark scoffed.

"Yeah. It’s uncomfortable to watch. You didn’t look happy to see her again and acted all mysterious when I asked about it. Saying you’d remember someone even if they changed their whole face."

Jackson took a deep breath, letting his back fall against the seat.

"Elementary school…" he sighed. "Was not a happy time."

Understatement.

"We’re probably awkward cause it’s hard to forget about it."

Avoiding a question when someone was sitting so close to you that everywhere you looked, your eyes landed on theirs, should be considered as an Olympic sport.

"You were children, how bad could it be for you two not to have moved on yet ?"

Mark Tuan. Another competitor for best aim, after the one and only Im Jaebeom.

"Let’s just say…" Jackson’s brain was freewheeling at this point, grasping at words to keep avoiding the question while answering it at the same time. "Elementary school is the reason for everything in my life today. Especially everything’s that’s wrong."

Mark rolled his eyes, throwing his head back in visible irritation.

"Jackson, I’m tired of you acting mysterious. Just say you don’t want to tell me about it, it’s fine."

Jackson held his bag close to his chest, like a kid snuggling up to a stuff animal.

Should he tell Mark ?

He had wondered many times, and yet he was still standing in the storm, with questions blowing from all sides.

What was the worse thing that could happen ?

That Mark’s eyes would change.

That a sharp spark would flash in them, right before he’d laugh and call Jackson stupid for making such a big deal out of a children’s vagary.

Jackson had never held on to someone without seeing their eyes changing once as long as he had with Mark. If he wasn’t so afraid of the word, he might be tempted to call him his… no. He couldn’t.

How could he explain to him why he couldn’t use that word, no matter how much he wanted to ? All because seven-year-old him hadn’t been smart enough to read the signs and spare himself the slap in the face ?

_"It’s completely stupid…"_

_"I’m ready to bet all my pocket money that it’s not stupid."_

Jackson froze.

_"Your pocket money ? What, four bucks ?"_

_"Excuse you, four bucks are a precious amount of money."_

Jackson felt tears well up in his eyes.

_"It’s just… My parents called. They can’t find our dog, he hasn’t been home for over a day now. They’re looking for him everywhere but… I mean… What if I never see him again, you know, and the last time I hugged him, I didn’t know it was the last time ?"_

Jackson held on to his bag even tighter, burying his nose in the fabric that smelled like rain.

_"It’s not stupid."_

"Mark ?"

He was breathless.

He looked up. Mark’s eyes were already on him, clear. Safe, he could only hope.

"If I tell you… Do you promise not to laugh ?"

Mark responded immediately, and yet the split second still felt like a punch to Jackson’s chest.

"I would never laugh at you for something like this."

Jackson closed his eyes.

He took a deep, shaky breath.

A ping coming from Mark’s pocket sent his heart racing.

"Ignore it, it’s my best friend from LA, he’s pulling an all-nighter. What happened ?"

It was like someone threw a boulder at a thin glass wall.

Oh.

Yes.

Jackson was stupid.

Even stupider than he gave himself credit for.

A bitter chuckle left his lips, shaking his body like a shockwave.

So Mark _was_ a test. One Jackson had failed miserably, in a way that made him want to punch the windows of the bus.

His eyes were burning, his lungs were on fire.

"Are you crying ? Hey, what’s wrong ? Talk to me, Jackson ?"

No, Jackson wasn’t crying, he wanted to but he wouldn’t allow himself.

Of course he wasn’t Mark’s best friend. That made so much sense. Jackson wasn’t anyone’s best friend. He was only ever just _a_ friend. And that made sense, it was perfectly logical.

He was number one in the podiums, that should be enough for him, right ? Leave some metaphorical medals for the rest of the world. He was too greedy, too pretentious.

"It’s fine." he said, his voice breaking too noticeably to match what his words were saying. "It’s really stupid."

"It’s obviously not. But we can talk about this at home if you don’t want to do this in the bus."

_Home_.

Jackson nodded shakily.

Someone knocked at the door.

Jackson groaned into his pillow, to indicate that he was alive, if that didn’t seem apparent from the fact that the door to his room was locked.

"Is this where I can find Mister Olympics Shooting Star Jack-Jack Wang ?"

Jackson snorted into the pillow.

He pushed himself up, straightened out the wrinkles in the old clothes he used to stay at home, and went to unlock the door.

Bambam came in, rubbing his eyes.

"Mark told me to come." he yawned. "He went out to buy food, told me you didn’t want to let him in and that I should try my luck. I see you like me better than him."

Jackson threw his pillow at him.

"I don’t like either of you." he groaned, falling back on his bed

"That’s good, cause Yugyeom is coming too so we have a third option."

"It’s past ten pm, what are you guys even doing here ?"

"Mark said it’s an emergency."

"Emergency, my ass, it’s just me throwing a tantrum."

"Sounds like an emergency."

Jackson grabbed his pillow from the floor and tackled Bambam, threw him on the bed and slapped his leg with the pillow.

"Why are you hitting me !" Bambam whined."I thought we were angry at Mark."

"I’m angry at myself, not at Mark."

There was another knock, on the main door of the dorm this time.

Bambam was out of the room in an instant, and came back less than a minute later, laughing at something Yugyeom had said.

"I don’t like this." Jackson protested, smothering himself with his own pillow

When Mark came back, he found the three of them sprawled on Jackson’s bed like a washed up starfish with only three legs.

He laughed, and disappeared into the kitchen.

"It’s honestly very stupid, why are you guys making such a big deal out of this ?" Jackson huffed when Mark called everyone to the living room to eat the food he had prepared

"We’re not here for you, we’re here for the free food." Yugyeom replied

Jackson kicked him.

He sat down and looked at the steam coming out of the bowl in front of him.

That was a new one.

Jackson had been on this planet for almost two decades now, he had heard of comfort food and yet… this felt somehow like he had stepped in a parallel world.

"I’m serious though." he insisted, after finally taking his first bite. "Do you guys really want to hear about seven-year-old me having beef with Fei’s twin brother ?’"

"Seven-year-old you knows how to hold a grudge." Bambam commented, way too absorbed by his food to look at Jackson

"I mean… I guess so ?"

He took a deep breath, and let his back rest against the couch behind him, staring at the steam as if it was a screen where the images from his memory could be projected.

"It’s hard to forget."

He could see it so clearly. The yard, the gravel around the slide, the tree and the fruits that fell to the ground, the plastic roof, the old red banner.

"That you’re a little foreign kid, who doesn’t know the language and people call you names you can’t understand. That no one defends you, even the ones who ask you to keep them company when their friends called in sick for the day."

His voice felt hollow.

"That the one person you would have caught the stars for turns around and shakes hands with the person throwing daggers at you when you’re already on the ground."

His eyes were burning again.

Seven-year-old Jackson had cried. But adult Jackson wanted to grab the ceramics in front of him and smash them against the nearest wall.

His hands were shaking.

Yugyeom scooted closer to him, until their shoulders were stuck together.

Jackson stared at him, his eyes widening.

"Which one of them was Fei’s brother ?" Mark asked

"Does it matter ?" Jackson’s tone was so dry that he couldn’t even recognise his own voice

"And what’s her part in all of this ? Is that why she only showed me when her brother called ?"

Jackson nodded.

How had he never realised ?

He was _angry_.

Seven-year-old Jackson had been _angry_.

Heartbroken to realise that he hadn’t earned Eugene’s friendship like Liwei had.

Angry that Liwei, the boy who pushed him around, made up rumours about his family, called him mean names and hated Eugene’s favourite cartoons, of all people, had been more worthy of that friendship than him.

Scratch that. Jackson was fuming.

It was making his head reel. He felt dizzy and breathless.

It was like a trapdoor had collapsed, and an avalanche had broken its way through the walls of Jackson’s heart. Years and years of silenced anger poured over him, fire searing a trail along Jackson skin, boiling through his veins, filling his lungs and his core.

Jackson had failed Mark’s test.

But that was not the lesson he learned from it.

The takeaway was that there was something rumbling deep within him, a force that Jackson was scared to see out in the world. It couldn’t be anything but destructive.

Jackson had been too good at ruining things for himself, if he let that anger out, there would be no hope left for him. He would obliterate everything he had ever managed to build. Every effort to start over, to leave the ghosts buried, to make a place of his own in this big, cold world.

Jackson had too much to lose to allow himself the luxury to be the one to destroy it.

However, anger was a bit like those little flawed details on a painting that once someone pointed out became all you could ever see.

And Jackson was having a hard time keeping the lid sealed.

He would channel all his concentration on lessons and fencing, both had become more crucial than ever before, and mistakes would become fatal from this point onwards. But there was one thing that always managed to draw all of his attention back on the flawed detail, on the rumbling feeling inside of him.

The class had just been given back the grades of a major assignment, and Jackson was struggling to contain his beaming smile.

That assignment was difficult, and Jackson had stayed up for hours, asking Yugyeom to help him correct his grammar and check that he spelled everything right. His fingers had been shaking when he had sent it to the professor.

He couldn’t wait to tell his teammate.

But his smile disappeared completely not one split second later, when his eyes met Jinyoung’s.

"What ?" he scoffed, but his classmate just shrugged and looked away

Jackson crossed his arms, sliding down his seat as if to retreat around his own body.

He usually dreaded eyes on him, but it was a whole different thing to have someone on the hunt for the things he was hiding from everyone else.

What was Jackson scared to see Jinyoung find out, exactly ?

For starters, everything that surrounded his fencing activities and championship level. Yes, it had gone alright with Bambam and Yugyeom, but could he hope for the spell to not wear out ? It was like competitions, you couldn’t possibly maintain a winning streak for so long, could you ?

There were too many people who could still find out for Jackson to believe he hadn’t already used all of his winning cards.

And what if Jackson didn’t qualify for World Championships ?

If too many people knew, Jackson probably would have to flee to a different country to avoid the looks in their eyes.

Jinyoung could also find out that Jackson was a fraud, he was in this course of study for no concrete reason and was probably taking up the spot of someone who truly wanted to be there.

All in all, it was better for him to watch out for his classmate.

If the flame touched the wick, it was over for him.

"What’s going on between you two ?" Youngjae laughed when he sat down between them after getting his assignment back. "You’re giving me chills."

Jinyoung was already talking to JB, so he probably didn’t hear the question.

"Nothing." Jackson groaned. "He’s just stubborn."

"Yeah, just like you."

Jackson grabbed him by the back of his neck to pull him towards him. Youngjae, yelped, drawing many pairs of eyes to them.

"No, don’t kill me !" he laughed, slapping Jackson’s knee

Jackson pulled him close, in one-armed hug that probably felt a bit tight to his classmate.

From their seats, JB and Jinyoung sent them a perplexed look.

"Help me." Youngjae said to them, still laughing, grabbing Jinyoung’s arm

"You two are children." JB remarked, the slight shadow of a smile appearing at the corner of his lips

Jackson didn’t see what Jinyoung did or said when he whipped his head around towards JB, but the latter sighed in response.

And the faint rumbling inside of Jackson made itself known once more.

The most unnerving thing about Jinyoung’s investigation was that Jackson had no idea what his classmate was doing.

He didn’t see him spying on him, the other didn’t ask any questions and as far as Jackson knew, he hadn’t looked him up online otherwise he would have a lot to answer to right now.

So what was Jinyoung’s idea of detective work ? Was he just bluffing to put Jackson on alarm, so he would be more likely to slip or make a mistake under stress ? Was he asking other people to spy on him ?

Jackson could have brushed it off as just a threat thrown during an argument with no actual substance, if it wasn’t for the little moments when Jackson would see Jinyoung’s head perk up and the flame in his eyes flicker more intensely.

It always happened when Jackson was disclosing personal information.

For example, one day Jackson’s father had called him when Jackson couldn’t answer him. The phone screen had lit up with a picture of his father in full fencing gear putting the helmet on little Jackson’s head —an old picture his mother had found while searching for some things in an cupboard, and that she had sent him straight away a few months before. Jackson had declined the call rapidly, but JB, who was sitting next to him still managed to see the picture and laughed.

"What does your father do for a living ?" he had asked

Jackson had pondered whether the answer safe for a second.

"He’s a fencing coach."

And that’s when he saw Jinyoung, who was hunched over the table in front of him, still groggy with sleep, straighten up abruptly, eyes wide and flame flickering.

What did he conclude from that piece of information, Jackson had no idea.

"Did you get into fencing because of him ?" JB seemed to guess

"He didn’t make me get into it, if that’s what you’re thinking." Jackson clarified quickly. "He made me try every other sport and I chose fencing."

_Otherwise it might give the impression that you’re playing his competitions and not yours_.

Jinyoung’s eyes had narrowed and an icy chill had shaken Jackson’s body.

_I wanted to see for myself a few of the things that numbers can’t tell us._

Jackson sent his parents the details about the Beijing competition as soon as he got them from Coach Song.

He was really hoping they could both come again, and that the magic that had operated in Shanghai wasn’t a one-time miracle. He also knew he shouldn’t get used to that magic or rely on it, because as soon as he’d get too comfortable, chances were everything would come crumbling down as it always did.

He was on his way to the gym for dance practice. His day had been so packed that he could barely feel his muscles anymore. He had two morning classes, including a compulsory workshop, then fencing training from eleven to five, an evening class, and now practice.

His body was ready to give up on him. It was frustrating that no matter what level he reached in his competitions, there was always something reminding him of his human, physical limitations.

Physical limitations were a red flag. Why ? Because they made you vulnerable. To bad surprises, to tricks of your mind or of your mood.

Hopefully life had no surprises in stores for today.

When Jackson came inside the gym, he heard Bambam and Yugyeom’s voices from across the hall.

He smiled and headed to the changing rooms to leave his things, then joined them in their usual practice room.

The whole team wasn’t there yet. Bambam and Yugyeom were running after each other across the basketball court, wrestling each other to the ground and bursting out laughing.

Jackson stood in the entrance, watching them.

They looked like they were in their own bubble, not paying any mind to the rest of the people around them, Jackson included. It was as if they had their own language, as if only the two of them mattered.

Jackson’s heart clenched.

_You’re just tired_ , he told himself. _Your mind is playing tricks on you_.

It had to, right ?

Because if Jackson wasn’t imagining things then…

Mark had a best friend in LA. Bambam and Yugyeom fit together.

And Jackson was left stranded.

That couldn’t be true ? Not again ?

As his throat started tightening, and a wave of cold began seeping through the walls and invading the air, Jackson’s phone rang in his pocket.

He usually kept it on him during practice, because he was always the one playing the music, while Mark’s phone was used for monitoring.

Jackson frowned at the screen when he saw the old picture of his father.

"Hello ?" he answered, startling two of his teammates nearby when they heard him speak a foreign language. "Everything’s alright ?"

"Yes, yes, it’s nothing bad." his father replied, quickly but with a hint of tension in his voice that Jackson did not miss. "Do you have a minute ?"

Jackson checked the time. Mark would be here any minute.

Then, his eyes landed on Yugyeom, roaring with laughter at something Bambam had just said, the two of them with their limbs tangled like trees that grew too close to one another.

His heart felt heavy.

"Yeah, I have a minute."

Anything to tear himself away from the thoughts creeping in his mind.

"I got your schedule for Beijing, are you feeling confident ?"

Jackson rose his eyebrows, even though his father couldn’t see him.

"I mean… I reached this level, I can’t back down now."

"Yes, yes, that’s not what I meant !" the pitch of his father’s voice kept going higher and his pace faster, Jackson felt an uneasiness settle within him. "I meant, about the selection. Do you feel confident ? Are you not worried ?"

At that moment, Fei came in the room. Her eyes met Jackson’s, and he tried to keep his face perfectly unmoved.

"Erm…" he said aloud, raking his brain to figure out what was going on with his father. "A bit ? As always ?"

There was a silence on the other side of the line. At that same time, Fei’s eyes widened slightly when she recognised the language he was speaking.

"Jackson." his father said, tone heavy. "Be honest with me."

Jackson shivered.

"You’re scaring me." he tried to laugh, but it came out strangled

"What did Yong Yaojun tell you ?"

Jackson froze.

Did his father know something and never told him ?

"He told me he wanted to watch me play." Jackson replied, measuring his words carefully. "Why ?"

"Is that all he said ?"

"Why ?"

"Answer the question, Jackson. Did he say anything about the selection ?"

Jackson swallowed thickly.

He looked up. Fei was still standing in front of him, staring at him, muscles tensed as if she was ready to jump to catch him.

He held her gaze.

His breathing remained steady.

"No, but he said something about you."

His father fell silent one more time.

Jackson bit his lips, breathing deeply one time, two times…

"Be honest, son."

Jackson hummed.

"Is fencing really what you want to do ?"

Jackson’s entire body turned to stone.

"What ?" he scoffed. "Of course it is, it has always been, why the sudden concern ?"

"Do you promise me that you chose it because _you_ wanted to play and not because of me ?"

_I wanted to see for myself a few of the things that numbers can’t tell us._

_Otherwise it might give the impression that you’re playing his competitions and not yours_.

Was that what everyone thought ? Was that what his parents thought too ? That Jackson was lost in a fantasy, in a sense of loyalty ? That he would wake up from it one day and that the resentment would be strong enough to trigger a fallout between the two of them ?

He must have been shaking, because he suddenly felt a warm hand wrap tightly around his hand hold it steady.

Fei’s eyes shined with a familiar worry.

It was the same they held in when little Jackson sat alone under the plastic roof. When she sat down next to him and didn’t say a word.

"I play because it makes me happy."Jackson didn’t want his voice to be dripping with so much anger, but the seal was eroding faster and faster by the day, making it harder for him to hold it in. "That I can promise you."

There was another silence.

Mark came in right at that moment, looked between Jackson’s face —what did it look like, he didn’t even want to imagine— and Fei’s hand, and a million questions popped into his eyes.

"Alright." Jackson’s father sighed. "I’m relieved to hear that. I’ll be there to cheer you on, you can count on me. See you in Beijing ?"

"See you in Beijing." Jackson mumbled, before the call disconnected

"Everything alright ?" Mark asked immediately, in English as if they couldn’t be understood by the others

"Yeah."

Mark nodded, and started gathering everyone to explain what the plan was to make the team official.

Fei had let go of Jackson’s hand, but stayed back a few moments, staring at him as if to check he wasn’t going to fall if he tried to stand up on his own.

"You’re going to Beijing ?"

Jackson looked up from his phone, where he was already scrolling to look for the songs they were meant to practice that day.

Fei’s hands disappeared in the pockets of her joggers, giving her an air of nonchalance that contrasted with her tight lips.

"Area." Jackson answered. "I’m not going inside the city."

Mark called them before Fei could say anything about it, and the practice session began.

Jackson’s mind was elsewhere however.

Not exactly in Seoul, not exactly in Beijing.

He had to get stronger, he had to train harder. His physical limitations were starting to make him flinch.

This was the most crucial moment and he couldn’t afford to be vulnerable.

Jackson’s luck hadn’t run out, and if it was any sign of it, the date of the Beijing competition fell the week before the exams started.

And if anything had appeared exhausting to Jackson before, it was nothing compared to fitting an intense competitive training into exam revisions.

Negotiating with Song was useless, Jackson didn’t even try, he knew his coach would only tell him that he had to take responsibility for the choices he made. It was almost getting old, but Jackson was still buying time before he would have to finally sit down to weigh all of his options and decide if he could carry all of them on his shoulders.

But Jackson pulled through.

And he partly had Mark to thank. His roommate had his own exams, and yet he was always there to pull Jackson away from his notes when it was too late at night, to drop food next to him on the table or energy bars in his bag that Jackson found when he was looking for his pens.

It was making Jackson’s heart ache.

He hadn’t asked for any of it. It was purely gratuitous. Even though Jackson was not Mark’s best friend.

It was opening a dangerous breech inside the wall of Jackson’s resolutions.

Now, there was only one thing left to do… ask Youngjae for his notes.

It was a good thing that this was the last competition that counted for selections, because that meant no matter the outcome, he would have a break for a few months. To train hard for World Championships if he got in, to drown in his own misery before deciding whether to get back on his feet or give up if he was out.

But first, Youngjae.

"I need to bother you one more time." Jackson said, with his best kicked puppy face, jogging up to his classmate on their way to the lesson hall

"What now ?" Youngjae laughed

JB and Jinyoung were walking right in front of them, within hearing range Jackson guessed when he saw them glance behind their shoulders when they recognised his voice.

"I’m gonna miss three days of classes next week and—"

"Again ?" JB cut him off, turning around abruptly. "For fencing ?"

Jackson stalled, staring at his classmate in confusion.

"… yes." was all he could reply to such a sudden reaction

"Right before exams start, you’re fencing for three days ? Are you trying to collapse ?"

Jackson shook his head, unable to form words. Was that… concern ? Or… disapproval ? What was going on ?

"He’s an adult." Jinyoung groaned, grabbing JB’s arm to hurry him along. "That’s his choice."

"I’m not fencing for three days." Jackson tried to clarify, as if it could make ease the tension growing in his muscles. "It’s two days for travel."

Youngjae’s eyes widened.

"Huh ? Two days ? Where are you going ?"

_Shit_.

Jackson bit his tongue.

That was too much information. Too many questions whose answers could pull the curtain on everything he was trying to hide.

"China." he admitted after a second, feeling a chill run down his arms at how unwavering JB and Youngjae’s stares were on him

At that, even Jinyoung turned around with eyes bigger than dessert plates.

"You’re going to China for fencing ?" JB exclaimed, and Jackson almost ducked behind Youngjae to escape the bewilderment in his classmates’ eyes. "During exams ? You’re in the middle of your first year of university, you have to tell your parents to give you a break, your body can’t possibly take that much."

"It’s fine, it’s the last one for a while !" Jackson tried to give them a reassuring smile, and turned to Youngjae specifically. "I won’t bother you so much after that, I promise."

Youngjae chuckled, patting Jackson’s shoulder.

"Don’t worry about it."

Well Jackson did worry about it, because there was still a chance that he wouldn’t manage to negotiate keeping both his university studies abroad and his training if he made the national team. There was still a chance that he wouldn’t have to ask Youngjae for notes ever again…

JB shook his head and turned around, walking faster. Jackson was still lost about his reaction, but didn’t try to run after him.

Jinyoung, however, did, but not without throwing one last glance towards Jackson. Not a glare, as he would have expected, but one where the flame flickered a little joyously in the cold wind.

Jackson would wonder about that later, he had no seconds to spare to lose his focus.

He didn’t expect the answer to come to him instead.

"I made a discovery, wanna hear it ?"

Jinyoung was leaning against the door of the gym, with a wide, knife-sharp grin, and his arms crossed on his chest.

Jackson rose his eyebrows.

"Not really." he replied, stopping in his tracks since his classmate was blocking the access to the gym

Jinyoung’s grin fell and was replaced by a deep frown.

"You dared me to, you can’t act like you don’t care as soon as I find something." he whined

Jackson rubbed his forehead. He had a dance practice to get to —he couldn’t miss it, despite what Bambam and Yugyeom had assured him, he still had to help Mark officialise the team, he had promised— so right now Jinyoung was an obstacle testing his patience.

But at the same time, the chances that his classmate would actually accept to postpone this conversation until Jackson had a second to give him were slim.

"Okay." he sighed, dropping his bag to his feet and crossing his arms on his own chest to mirror Jinyoung’s posture. "What groundbreaking discovery did you make in your pioneering research study, Mister Park ?"

"Just so you know, you can’t intimidate me with big words."

"Just get on with it, I have things to get to."

Jinyoung rolled his eyes for good measure, but uncrossed his arms and took a step forward, suddenly smiling again, the flame in his eyes flickering wildly.

"Your father is a fencing coach."

Jackson hummed.

His face remained unmoved, but inside, he felt his blood run cold.

"You’re always missing classes for fencing schedules saying you want to make your parents happy." Jinyoung carried on, pacing around and making Jackson’s muscles grow tenser and tenser with each word. "You cried when you showed us a video of you playing—"

"So far I don’t see any broken ground."

Jinyoung glared at him.

"I’m laying down the evidence, let me get to my conclusion."

Well, Jackson didn’t want to hear the conclusion.

He glanced behind his shoulder to see if anyone from the dance team was coming, as an emergency exit.

"You’re lying to everyone’s faces."

Jackson’s head snapped right back towards Jinyoung, who was grinning once again.

"You pretend you’re happy about it and that you can handle it, but that’s just to make people think you’re cool. Or to make them worry about you, like JB and Youngjae. And you’re scared that you’ll lose that, and what makes you special in people’s eyes, if you stand up to your parents and tell them you don’t want to continue. And there must be also some daddy issues in there."

Jackson remained still for a second, then burst out laughing.

Jinyoung frowned at him.

"I don’t know how someone manages to be so right and so wrong at the same time, but you’re quite talented, Park Jinyoung." Jackson chuckled

"So I _am_ right."

Jackson scrunched his face, as if he was thinking about it for a second.

"Let’s say that if this was a scientific process, you’d be at the hypothesis stage and you’d still have to demonstrate your reasoning."

Jinyoung gave him a look that made Jackson want to laugh even harder.

"Why are you two blocking the door ?"

Jackson almost jumped and tripped over Yugyeom, who was standing right behind his shoulder.

The emergency exit.

"See you around, Jinyoung !" Jackson blew a kiss, grabbing his dance teammate and pushed through to get to the door

Jinyoung had been right about one thing, and that was that Jackson was indeed lying to everyone’s faces at this point, letting them think fencing was his hobby and not his number one priority.

As for the rest of his theory, it was full of holes but it sounded strangely familiar. Jackson couldn’t see how that would keep JB away from him though.

"Kim Yugyeom !" a loud voice echoed through the halls of the gym

Jackson’s heart felt suspended in the air when he didn’t hear his own name being called, and when he saw Bambam cannonball his way to Yugyeom and past Jackson, as if he was that poster on the wall that’s been there for so long that you forget it’s even there to be looked at.

_Stay focused._

The only thing he should worry about was the sports competition, not the one to anyone’s heart.

Before he had any time to start a countdown, Jackson was on a plane heading for Beijing.

His brain was probably trying to find a way to divert his attention to anything but the competition, to avoid getting kicked in the face by the thought that _it’s tomorrow oh no it’s tomorrow what am I gonna do_ , because the only thing on Jackson’s mind right now was _what if I bump into someone I know ?_

The rational part of him could lay down all the reasons why he shouldn’t worry. He would only be visiting the airport, and the competition hall and hotel were actually far into the periphery, so the chances were lower than low.

But there was another voice, telling him the chances that he would know the one student from Beijing in his dance team were also lower than low.

So Jackson pushed the thought away and pulled out the notes he had to study, ignoring the look that his coach gave him.

They reached the hotel next to the competition hall in the late afternoon, Jackson’s eyes were itchy and heavy from reading so much.

His parents were meant to get there later too, so Jackson had some time to rest. He was about to get his key and run to the elevator with his bags, when he heard his name being called.

This was the hotel where everyone involved in the competition was staying, so it really shouldn’t have surprised him that someone would recognise him.

And indeed.

It was Yong Yaojun.

"Can I have a word with you, Mister Wang ?" the older man asked, holding out his hand towards the hotel bar

Jackson really needed to sleep for half an hour right now, but this was someone he couldn’t turn down.

He nodded, and followed Yong towards a little table, sitting down in front of him.

His palms felt hot, and it was difficult to keep his eyes on Yong’s face. The man’s eyes were difficult to read, there was no real spark in them, not even a threatening one, and yet they weren’t dull. It was as if there was a veil, keeping Jackson outside, like a semi-opaque sheet covering the words he wanted to read but still showing the shape of black ink on white paper.

"Tomorrow is an important day." Yong said when Jackson sat down. "It’s not a secret to you that you’re in a seriously advantageous position to make the national team, is it ?"

Jackson breathed in slowly.

He was walking on a thread of glass.

"I will do my best to earn that nomination, it would be an honour."

"See, this is what you said every time we met."

Jackson bit his tongue. It didn’t make it any less true, did it ?

"There is something I can’t quite figure out about you, Mister Wang."

Jackson knew better than to reply to that.

"Your skills are… staggering. Your father was a good fencer but he was never a _shooting star_."

Ah there it was again.

Talking about his father.

Jackson’s jaw clenched, and he opened up his hands to refrain himself from closing them into fists.

"There is something in your eyes…" Yong kept going, staring at Jackson through narrow lids, as if scanning his features. "Few fencers have those eyes when they play. Your father surely didn’t. That’s what I can’t figure out."

Yong fell back against his chair, his eyes not leaving Jackson, but the tilt of his head was pensive.

"What do you play for ?"

Jackson froze.

"Do you have an answer to that ?"

Did he ?

Jackson had goals, had dreams, but did he have a reason ? Did he need a reason ? Other than this was his element, the pool he could safely swim him, that gave him energy and satisfaction ?

"I’ve always loved fencing." he replied with the most polite smile he could muster. "It’s what I’m best at, it’s what makes me feel at home."

"Do you think you would still be a fencer if your father hadn’t been one ?"

Jackson’s breath hitched.

That was not a question he had ever asked himself either. No one around him had.

"I don’t know…" he hesitated, watching the corner of Yong’s lips lift up as if he was a hunter who just heard one of his traps go off. "Can anyone know ?"

Yong leaned closer, the smile that appeared at the corner of his lips made Jackson hold his breath.

"Did you tell your father you wanted to try fencing, or did he ?"

"I did."

"What did your father say ?"

"He was happy."

Yong hummed and nodded.

"But he was worried about me pursuing it professionally, he made me promise to get a university degree as a safety net." Jackson added quickly, not liking the way he could see an idea form itself on Yong’s features

"Mr Wang. Do you think that if you made the national team, you would be taking the spot your father earned before and left empty many, many years ago ?"

The blizzard.

Jackson was familiar with the blizzard.

But there were no words to describe the cold wave that crashed over him.

It was more than glacial.

It felt like being tackled to the ground by an iceberg, like falling through a hole in the banquise. Jackson was more than frozen. His skin and all the tissue of his muscles had turned to pure ice. He was breathing the air of the Arctic.

_I wanted to see for myself a few of the things that numbers can’t tell us._

_Otherwise it might give the impression that you’re playing his competitions and not yours_.

So this was what was going on…

_Be honest, son. Is fencing really what you want to do ?_

_Do you promise me that you chose it because you wanted to play and not because of me ?_

And his father knew.

Jackson bolted to his feet, the raking of the chair against the ground shot through him like electricity.

"Sir." he said, his voice trembling like his entire body. "Tomorrow I will play as hard as my body allows me, as I’ve always done. If you deem me fit to make the national team, it will be because of that and not because of my father."

He was out of breath and his vision was starting to blur out. The world around was spinning, he couldn’t even feel the ground beneath the soles of his feet.

"My father will be here within a few hours." he kept going, even though he could barely make out the sound of his own voice through the thick cloud numbing his brain. "I’m sure if you have any doubts on his plans for me, you can discuss them at length with him."

He excused himself, grabbed his bag and ran.

Ran as fast as his feet could carry him.

It was probably not a good look, fleeing the scene, but Jackson couldn’t care less. Anything was a better look than bursting into tears in front of coaches, players and organisers.

He slammed the door of his hotel room and threw himself on his phone, pacing around wildly. His fingers were shaking when he scrolled through the numbers to click on the one he was looking for.

He tried to match the pace of his breathing to the beeping next to his ear, as he waited for the call to connect, but he felt too hot, and was already feeling his lungs ache.

"Hello ?" Mark’s confused voice rang through Jackson’s ears

Jackson almost burst into tears. He wasn’t sure if his roommate would be available, if he’d be busy with revisions, classes, if he’d be out with Bambam and Yugyeom…

"They don’t want me in the team." Jack half roared and half panted. "They don’t want me in the team."

Jackson heard some ruffling on Mark’s side and guessed his roommate was in the gym.

"Jackson breathe." Mark said, his voice low and slow. "What did they say ?"

"This whole time…" Jackson was pacing around faster than his head was spinning. "No one ever saw me as Jackson Wang. I was always my father’s son."

"Jackson, breathe. Jackson, listen to me, where are you ?"

"All those medals. They’re not mine. They don’t see them as mine. They’re the ones my father couldn’t win."

Jackson heard Mark close a door, probably because the rest of the dance team was in his surroundings.

"It’s not my dream, I’m a reboot of my father’s career."

There were hot tears streaming down his face now.

"I busted my ass for ten years but I don’t even own that. None of it is mine. Not even my own name. I can’t make a name for myself, what’s the use ?"

"Jackson. Wherever you are, sit down."

Jackson’s back fell against the wall, and he let himself slide down until he was on the floor. He brought his knees close to his chest, holding the phone in his shaking hand, sobbing into his arm.

"Jackson… Are you there ?"

Jackson hummed in between two sobs.

"Okay… Explain everything to me. What did they say ?"

Jackson took a deep, long, trembling breath.

"They said…" his voice was croaked. "They asked if my spot on the national team was mine or my father’s."

"Why would they say something like that ? Can’t they see how many victories you got on your own ? Shouldn’t that be the criteria ?"

Jackson shook his head.

"I don’t know…" he sobbed. "But what if I win tomorrow but they leave me out of the team because they don’t think I earned it ? What if they think my father is just reviving his own career through me ? Even my classmates think so."

"What did your father say ?"

Jackson scoffed, wiping the tears that kept pouring out on his face.

"My father sent me to university because he was scared fencing wasn’t a stable career option."

"Can’t he tell them that ?"

"Will that even do anything ? They seem pretty convinced."

"Then you know what ?"

Jackson sniffed, so confused by Mark’s determined tone of voice that he stopped crying.

"You know what ? Tomorrow you’re gonna play like you’ve never played before. You’re gonna make history if you have to, okay ? So if they don’t choose you for the team, everyone is going to ask questions."

Jackson frowned.

"But if I still don’t make the team, what do I do ?’’ he whined. ‘’If they take it away from me not because I’m not good enough, but because they don’t think I deserve it ?"

"Can you make the Korean team ?"

"No…"

"But can you bluff about it ?"

Jackson was now so lost that even his face had dried completely. His brain was too focused on understanding what Mark was trying to say to care about the anger raging inside of him.

"You remember that article we read ? The one that said you were the athlete-to-watch ?"

Jackson nodded weakly.

"Shooting star Jackson Wang." he recited

"Exactly. People are watching you. So here’s the plan. You don’t have to mean it, you can bluff, if you play like they’re the ones who should be honoured to have you in their teams and not the other way around."

"But—"

"Play like you’re the one who’s on demand. Play like you have thousands of callers lining up to ask you to join them. You’re the only _shooting star Jackson Wang_ on the market."

"But isn’t that… pretentious."

Mark sighed heavily.

"Jackson… I’m pretty sure you’re allowed to be pretentious."

Jackson bit his lip.

Was he ?

The whispers in the hallways and library when he was in school didn’t seem to agree.

"Jackson. I can hear you thinking. If you don’t set the bar for them yourself, they’ll give you the minimum and ask you to be satisfied with it. If you’re a shooting star, you can’t be satisfied with what they give a regular rock drifting around in space, okay ?"

"Mark…"

"Yes ?"

"I thought you were only thinking of becoming a coach, you didn’t tell me you had already started."

Mark’s loud laugh in his ear tore a grin on Jackson’s face.

He took a deep breath and the cold subsided a bit, a warmth spreading slowly from his chest.

His dream was on the line.

But Jackson would not go out without a fight.

If Mark was right, if Jackson really was a shooting star, he would leave a blazing trail in his wake, that even the satellites in space would be able to spot.

He would burn through the blizzard.

As Jackson walked to the competition hall after changing into his full gear, people got out of his way with a sharp start.

Even Song gave him a strange look when Jackson joined him.

"Did you eat this morning ?" his coach snorted. "You look like you’re gonna have your opponents for breakfast."

Jackson frowned.

"Do I ?"

"Yeah, stop it, it’s scary."

Jackson spotted Gao Dahai on the other side of the hall, greeting some of the other fencers.

He caught himself wishing he would come this way too.

"You know… They won’t announce the selection today, it will take a week or so."

"I know." Jackson replied calmly

"Whatever happens today…"

"I’ll just do my best."

Song sighed and pulled on Jackson’s shoulder to force him to turn around and look at him in the eyes.

"Jackson. This is one of the most important days of your entire fencing career. Whatever happens, the outcome will decide how the next few years will go for you."

Jackson patted the hand that his coach had put on his shoulder.

"I know." he smiled. "I got to this point. The only thing I can do is my best, the rest is in their hands."

He pointed at the group of people watching over the hall, Yong Yaojun among them.

"Jackson…" his coach insisted one more time. "If you don’t come out on top today, it’s not the end of the road. It just means the road will be longer."

Jackson saw his parents waving at him in the crowd. He waved back, with a smile.

He took a deep breath and looked at his coach again.

"I don’t care how long the road is." he said. "What matters is that I get to the point I need to get to."

Not long after, the announcers voices started booming through the hall, signalling that the broadcasting had begun and that the competition was about to kick off.

Jackson closed his eyes.

This was the last time he wouldn’t know the outcome of this day.

_People are watching you. Play like you have thousands of callers lining up to ask you to join them. You’re the only_ shooting star Jackson Wang _on the market._

This would be his last chance for a long time.

He had to give more than his best.

_You’re gonna play like you’ve never played before. You’re gonna make history if you have to, okay ? So if they don’t choose you for the team, everyone is going to ask questions._

When Jackson opened his eyes, there was a camera in his face. He grinned at it, waved, and walked to his position.

_Make history if you have to_.

And Jackson did.

Because not even halfway through his first match of the day, he head the gasps of the crowd and the announcers. He couldn’t make out the words clearly through the buzzer sounds and his panting breath confined inside his helmet, but he heard something that sounded a lot like " _the fastest record before that was set eight years ago"_.

"It’s your turn again." Song called him when Jackson came back from grabbing a water bottle. ‘’It’s you and Dahai.’’

"The final boss." Jackson chuckled to himself, putting his helmet back on

"You still have one after, don’t act so calm."

But Jackson was calm.

The switch had turned on and he was fully focused.

He walked in front of Dahai, who didn’t send him a friendly look like he had last time. There was a different gleam in his eyes. Not hostile, not really… Something Jackson had seen before, but he couldn’t quite place where.

Jackson took a deep breath.

His eyes fell on his opponent’s knee, that flinched ever so slightly.

Oh.

So that was what that gleam was.

Jackson had seen it many times before, in the mirror sometimes, but several times recently, when nineteen kids stood in front of him to audition for the dance team. Dahai was nervous.

Then it was Jackson’s responsibility to make him _scared_.

Jackson attacked as soon as the referee gave the signal. It seemed to have been Dahai’s same strategy, because the older player only had a split second to tell his brain to walk backwards instead of forward, and that split second gave Jackson a point.

Dahai seemed to have learned not to play too casually against Jackson, since their score ended up being much narrower that in Shanghai.

Jackson won, because of that split second, and because their eyes met while the referee checked a point —Song must have been been right, Jackson had to look somewhat scary— and Dahai wasted another split second to stare at Jackson, wide-eyed.

To a shooting star, a second meant travelling dozens and dozens of kilometres.

So it shouldn’t have surprised anyone that Jackson extended his winning streak one more time.

His eyes met with Yong Yaojun’s when the cameras and microphones rushed towards him after he won his last match for the day.

The older man’s face was unreadable.

Jackson had done his best.

Scratch that, he had done more than his best.

Now the rest was in somebody else’s hands.

In the plane, Jackson pulled out his notes to get back into his exams, trying to push away the thoughts of having to wait for over a week to know if all the strength he had summoned would pay off.

He was exhausted.

In a way he had never been before.

He was too tired to feel anything but his own exhaustion.

He wasn’t even worried about the exams, he didn’t even miss his parents, he wasn’t hungry, or sleepy, or excited about celebrating his victory with Mark, Bambam and Yugyeom.

He was just tired.

"Jackson." Song called him

Jackson hummed, rubbing his eyes. He couldn’t even read his notes anymore. There were characters on the paper but they didn’t link together in his brain.

"I talked to Yong Yaojun while you were packing this morning."

Jackson groaned. He didn’t want to hear that name for a week.

"You and Dahai are tied, you won the exact same number of times. He said the choice will be difficult."

"But I won every time I played against him, shouldn’t that be a tie-breaker ?"

"He has qualified for the national team before. If you hadn’t tied with him, there would be no discussion to have now."

Jackson didn’t think he would ever be thankful for exams, but here he was. Hopefully, the rush of the week to come would not give him a second to breathe, or to prepare himself for the incoming bad news.

Maybe a slap in the face was what Jackson needed to get himself together.

"Did he say anything about my father ?"

Song gave him a confused look.

"No, why ?"

Jackson shook his head.

"No reason."

Jackson might not become a national team athlete.

But his consolation prize was that, as Mark said, he was the only _shooting star Jackson Wang._

And at least to himself, he could be pretentious about that.

Exams started, making Jackson thankful for the first time in his entire life that there was something taking more space in his mind than fencing.

Jackson’s break from school became the dance team.

Or not, actually…

Shutting off his mind and letting his movements be guided simply by the beats of a song was giving him a break. But the gym was starting to feel cold too, despite being one of the only places with his dorm where the blizzard still hadn’t slipped in.

The icy bite always caught him when his gaze fell on Bambam and Yugyeom, laughing to themselves or just dancing around goofily in their own corner of the practice room.

He had to constantly repeat his mantra, under his breath.

_You’ve been fine on your own for years, don’t start wavering now_.

However, what was really starting to make Jackson waver was the weight collapsing over him, now that he was trying to recover his physical energy. On his first night in Korea, he had sworn to lock the floodgates behind cement wall, or else he wouldn’t be able to make it in one piece to the end. But he was exhausted, and the cement was eroding.

Thankfully, they would have a little break after the exams.

Or not. Jackson didn’t know what awaited him once the deliberations for the national team ended. Maybe the exam week _was_ his break.

He groaned loudly, hiding his face into his elbows on the exam table.

"Observation : Jackson Wang looks like he hasn’t slept last night."

Ah yes. Exactly the person Jackson wanted to see right now.

"Hypothesis." Jinyoung carried on, sitting down in the empty spot nearest to Jackson. "He’s not in optimal conditions to take an exam and is about to have a rough few hours."

Jackson straightened up, rubbing his eyes before properly looking at his classmate, who had his usual little self-satisfied grin on his lips.

"And the demonstration ?" Jackson asked, raising his eyebrows

"I have to wait to see how the elements react together before drawing conclusions."

Jackson nodded, then leaned back in his chair.

"There’s progress. But you’re doing it wrong."

Jinyoung frowned.

Jackson pointed at his classmate’s feet.

"Observation : Park Jinyoung is tapping his foot at an abnormally rapid pace for the subject’s usual behaviour. The subject is therefore likely nervous."

Jinyoung stilled, but Jackson wasn’t done. He started looking around at the display of his classmate’s stuff.

"There is no water bottle around him too, while the environment is going to grow exponentially warm."

Jinyoung’s frown deepened, looking at his open bag, which indeed didn’t contain any water bottle.

"Hypothesis." Jackson grinned. "By the law of things-I-can-observe-during-group-project-sessions, given the subject’s state of mind and the environment’s conditions, if we introduce the element of ‘ _essay in which you will have to argue the revolutionary qualities of minimalism_ ’, Park Jinyoung is going to lose it and punch the nearest object, in other words me."

Jinyoung kicked Jackson’s leg across the space that separated their tables.

Jackson chuckled.

"Are you learning difficult words just to annoy me ?" his classmate mumbled

"Don’t flatter yourself, my goal is to annoy everyone."

A small laugh escaped Jinyoung’s lips, that he muffled immediately behind the sleeve of his jacket, looking away from Jackson.

Jackson felt a swell in his chest.

When they were given the subject for the exam, and that the essay ended up being exactly about minimalism, Jinyoung turned around to scowl at Jackson and gave a discreet punch in the air.

And when Jackson looked up to check what time it was, one hour into the exam, he saw Jinyoung pat his cheeks, as if checking his own temperature. Jackson used his foot to slide over his water bottle.

"You won’t buy me." Jinyoung mouthed, but still drank from Jackson’s bottle

After a few days of exams, Jackson’s levels of exhaustion were reaching skyscraper heights.

And it was seriously starting to mess with his head.

His mood was sour.

He was doing fine in his exams for the standards he had set for himself. Youngjae couldn’t help him with the words he didn’t know or knew how to spell, but he had found a few tricks to get around the problem and still express his ideas even if they sounded a bit more convoluted.

However, everywhere else, he wasn’t doing fine at all.

Every day that passed was one more day silently pushing Jackson closer to the official announcement, and all his mind wanted to supply was that he had to prepare himself to face the eyes of his fencing teammates. They had turned cold a few months earlier, but now they were about to gleam with sparks of joy, and Jackson would have to get slapped by the humiliation of reaching so high and still falling down.

All because he hadn’t proven himself to be his own person.

But where his exhaustion was playing its dirtiest trick on him with in his dance class.

Because he couldn’t tear his eyes from Bambam and Yugyeom in the moments when they stuck together anymore. It was like a door had shut right in front of his face, and someone behind him was laughing at him for even believing he could have made it to other side by running faster.

He couldn’t even tell himself to stay focused anymore, because it had invaded his every thought.

It was a curse. Jackson was fated to never leave this endless cycle of broken hopes. It was a joke that life was having at his expense.

The only silver lining was that, so far, Jackson had managed to keep it to himself. It hadn’t slipped through, not even Mark seemed to suspect anything.

_You’re lying to everyone’s faces._

But as always, everything Jackson wished to keep the way it was, safe and well-wrapped, never lasted.

It happened on Saturday night. Bambam and Yugyeom were over at Mark and Jackson’s dorm with the excuse that they had to perfect some choreographies for the dance team, but it was really just to take a break from exam revisions. Mark and Yugyeom were in front of the laptop, watching various music videos, so Bambam suggested that him and Jackson should go buy some groceries to make dinner —so as to not steal from Mark and Jackson’s supply for the last exam week.

The dam broke in the produce aisle.

"Oh we should get these for Gyeom." Bambam exclaimed, rushing towards a basket of fruits that Jackson didn’t have time to see. "He eats more of these than he drinks water."

Jackson’s heart felt suddenly heavy.

"You guys really grew close, huh ?" he mumbled, almost more to himself, turning around to check what else they could buy. "To think you used to call him Tall Guy…"

"I still call him Tall Guy, but now it’s in a best bro way, you know ?"

The cold fell over Jackson quietly, almost like a fatality, like something he couldn’t be surprised by or run away from.

"He’s your best friend ?" he asked as he watched Bambam put the fruits in their cart —at this point it was more of a rhetoric question but apparently he had a taste for twisting the knife into his own heart

"Kind of ?" Bambam said with a scrunch of his face. "He’s like… the first person I ever met who has the same brain as me. And we didn’t even share a language to begin with, so that’s saying something."

Jackson nodded.

It was a fatality, indeed. It wasn’t anything Jackson did wrong, again, he just wasn’t the right one. He never was. Eugene had chosen Liwei, Bambam had chosen Yugyeom, it was just the way things were.

But no one ever chose Jackson. Why ?

Jackson pushed the cart away from Bambam, feeling the rumble grow inside of him.

_No, not now._

"Hey ! Wait for me !"

In the end, Jackson didn’t know what caused the cement to erode and his wall to finally crack. Was it the stress of the exams ? Was it the radio silence from the national team examiners ? Was it because it was late and Jackson could barely keep his eyes open ? Or was it because, when Bambam jogged up to reach the cart, there was a peaceful, content smile on his face.

One that made Jackson’s heart break. One he had never seen in the mirror.

"I have a question but you have to promise you won’t get offended." he blurted out before he could stop himself

Bambam frowned.

"I can’t promise that, I don’t tell my emotions what to do."

Then, the dam broke.

"Am I not…" Jackson huffed, aggressively pushing the cart away to have his hands free to gesture into the air. "What am I lacking ? How come… Am I not best friend material ? How come everyone I ever get close to always ends up choosing someone else ?"

Bambam was looking at him with wide, bewildered eyes, that contained a little unsure gleam that Jackson immediately hated himself for.

"Are you… mad at me ?" Bambam’s voice also sounded unsure

Jackson sighed heavily, resting his arms on the cart handle and dropping his head on them.

"No." he admitted. "At myself. I get fooled every time."

"I didn’t fool you…"

If Jackson had wanted a time machine to go back on his word to help Mark with the dance team, he _needed_ one now, to not have ever started this conversation.

He always destroyed everything by himself. Now he was ruining his relationship with Bambam just because he couldn’t hold it in for _one more hour_.

"That’s not what I meant." he sighed, not even trying to look at his teammate anymore —he didn’t want to know what his eyes looked like now. "I meant I always manage to build so many stupid hopes out of thin air and then I still act surprised when they come crumbling down."

They kept drifting through the store in silence for a while. Some people glanced at them, probably because they were surprised to hear them speak a foreign language.

"So it’s not about me calling Yugyeom my best friend ?" Bambam finally spoke up, his voice still small

"No, it’s about best friends in general."

It really was. When Mark mentioned his best friend from L.A., Jackson’s resolve had broken for the first time, and he even had to admit some of the story surrounding Eugene. Now, he hoped Bambam wouldn’t press for more answers.

"Who did you think was your best friend ?"

_Eugene_.

Jackson thought about it for a second.

"I don’t know." he said, finally turning into an aisle. "No one. I never had one. Maybe I’m never meant to have one."

"Why can we only have one ? Why not several at the same time ?"

Damn Bambam and his long legs, no matter how fast Jackson was trying to push the cart, he could still feel his teammate’s eyes on his face.

Jackson stopped abruptly, finally facing Bambam, who almost tripped over the wheels.

"There’s no use in calling them ‘best’ then, is there ?" he argued. "The best fencer is the one that’s on top of the podium, not everyone who participated."

"I… disagree."

Bambam grabbed the cart handle and tore it away from Jackson’s hands, as if it was his guarantee the latter would stop running away from the conversation. Now they were facing each other, surrounded by colourful cleaning supplies.

"But why are you even thinking about this ?" Bambam asked. "You have so many friends, what’s the problem with them ? You’re just tired."

So many friends…

Jackson let out a defeated sigh, letting his hip fall against the shelf behind him.

There was no emergency exit to be found anymore.

"I just…" he dropped his head low, staring at his feet. "I just selfishly hoped I would be special for someone. That I’d be the first person someone thinks of, the one they look for, the one they choose first. It’s just so stupid…"

Bambam crossed his arms on his chest.

"You’re special to me. You’re someone I think about a lot. So, what’s the issue ?"

Jackson finally looked up. He gave his friend a weak smile, the one fencers bore when they conceded defeat.

"I’m not your number one, Bam. It’s okay, I’m not asking for that. You and Gyeom click in ways that no one can match. I just… I just want to be someone’s number one…"

"But who’s yours ?"

"I’ve learned my lesson. I’m not calling anyone my number one if I’m their number forty-five, you know ?"

Bambam threw his head back, with a noise of exasperation that made Jackson jump.

"Are all athletes this obsessed with rankings ?" he said, shaking his head

"Ah." Jackson realised out loud. "Would it have been easier if I didn’t play sports ? Those guys would not have dropped me, that other guy would not have hated me, I wouldn’t even stress out Mark so much—"

"What guys ?" Bambam cut him off, taking a step forward, shoulders tense

Jackson snorted. He had awaken two ghosts, he should have known the third wouldn’t be far behind.

"The brainless bunch." he sneered, suddenly feeling a wave of anger shooting through his blood at the memories

"The _what_ now ?"

"That’s what my mother called my friends in middle school. I mean… friends is a big word. I was a nice little puppy on their leash until, one day, they found out the puppy was not so still and quiet, and had been winning medals in competitions broadcasted on television behind their backs. And they kicked me out in the rain."

Silence fell over the aisle.

Jackson wasn’t looking at Bambam, absorbed by the scene that was replaying in his mind, of the words they had said to him.

_Are you a dog ? Then stop following us around. Get lost._

"When you said it ruined your life to let people know about your fencing…"

Jackson looked up.

Bambam was biting his lip. His eyes had lost that unsure gleam. No, he looked sad now, and Jackson wanted to cross the space between them, shake him and crack a joke, to make that look disappear.

"Were you scared that people wouldn’t want to be your friends because of those guys ?"

Jackson let his head fall back.

Well, he didn’t imagine he would have to empty his heart and mind in a grocery store, at ten in the evening, but he had made Bambam sad, so he owed him at least an explanation.

"How do you explain that everything always goes downhill as soon as people see how serious I am about it ?" he replied, and he actually wanted an answer to that

"Jealousy ?" Bambam grimaced

"Stop joking, I’m being serious. People never cared about the things I did, the things I liked, until I was doing them on TV. That’s not jealousy."

"What is it then ?"

Jackson bit his lips.

"A reminder. That the price for big dreams is loneliness."

Bambam made another exasperated noise and crossed the distance between to punch Jackson’s shoulder.

"That’s bullshit, stop it."

"It’s not !" Jackson protested, massaging his shoulder. "It was like that for my dad too. He only made friends through fencing."

"Then what am I ? Your pet chicken ?"

Jackson did a double take at that.

"Why would I keep a pet chicken ?"

"Some people do. So ?"

Jackson sighed.

He walked back to the cart, abandoned a few feet further, grabbed the handle and started walking towards the exit.

"I…" he reasoned aloud while Bambam walked next to him. "You’re my friend, of course, so is Mark, but…"

"Why is there a ‘but’ ? There should be no ‘but’."

"Because it won’t go away !"

There it was.

"There’s always a voice in my head telling me I shouldn’t get comfortable, that I should keep my guard up or else I’ll get a bad surprise."

Strangely, Bambam did not give a visible reaction to that, and just kept staring at Jackson.

"What do you think I’m gonna do ?" he asked

"I don’t know."

"Do you really believe me, or Mark, or Yugyeom, would ever do anything like those guys did ?"

Jackson stopped the cart, waiting in line.

"I don’t know…" he admitted

There was a silence. Jackson did not dare look at Bambam’s eyes.

"I’m offended." Bambam huffed, but his voice sounded safe so Jackson looked up

Bambam’s face looked as offended as a child’s could possibly be.

"I’m sorry." Jackson chuckled. "I wanted to be honest, I owe you that much."

His friend punched his arm for the second time that evening.

"I’m offended that you’d put me in the same box as those people. I’m offended for Mark too, I’ll tell him so he can yell at you."

Jackson burst out laughing.

"I’m sorry."

Bambam threw his arm around his shoulder.

"I don’t care about number one, or two, or whatever." he mumbled. "You’re my friend, you’re my family, and you’re not allowed to spit on that because of a bunch of stupid kids who couldn’t handle to have a fencing champion giving them the time of day."

Jackson had to bite his tongue to keep his grin from widening. But his eyes were already feeling hot with tears.

"I’m not spitting on it." was all he managed to say

"That’s not what it feels like."

It was their turn to pay, so Jackson passed all the items, they paid and got out of the store into the cold air of that night.

Bambam grabbed Jackson’s shoulders again, making them walk a bit lopsided, but at least the warmth it gave Jackson was enough to soothe some of the ache in his heart from the past days.

"You’re special to me because it’s you." Bambam continued, despite the minutes that had flown by. "Because we have our jokes and our conversations that are just ours. Just because Mark and Yugyeom are special to me for their own reasons, doesn’t make you less special."

Jackson looked away, feeling the tears fill his eyes again, that he didn’t want to show his friend.

"I know you’re not gonna believe me."

No, Jackson was actually starting to believe him, that was the worst part.

"Please, don’t get lost chasing a number one when you have so many people around you you’re putting down in your rankings…"

Jackson wondered if he should also stop chasing a number one on a championship podium.

That night, after Bambam and Yugyeom went home, Jackson found Mark waiting for him in front of their room, leaning against the doorframe.

"Bambam told me to yell at you."

It was dark, Jackson could barely make out his roommate’s features but he could read in his tone that Bambam had also detailed the rest of their conversation.

"Please, don’t. I need to sleep, save it for later."

"Jackson."

Mark held his arm out to stop him from going inside the room.

"You know you’re one of the best people I met in my life, right ?"

Dammit.

"One of my favourite people."

Jackson took a deep, slow breath, and finally looked in Mark’s eyes.

They had never held anything cold, anything hostile. From the very beginning, months and months ago, Mark had always been looking out for him, making sure he had enough energy and rest, making sure he was not lost or feeling sad. He was there when Jackson needed someone to talk to, even though he rarely asked to, and he always thought of Jackson when it came to making plans together.

Mark was his friend.

Maybe not his best friend, but a friend who had lifted him up from the beginning. A friend he could credit for giving him the confidence to shed a bit of the worry about his accent and pronunciation in Korean. A friend who had kept his secrets.

A friend he had yet to thank for everything.

"Mark."

"Yes ?" the older hummed

Jackson’s voice was a bit shaky. He had never said anything like this, to anyone, ever.

"I don’t know what I’d do without you. You’re the glue that prevents me from falling apart at the slightest blow."

Mark gave him a beaming smile, that Jackson could see clearly despite the darkness around them.

"And you’re the energy pill that gets me through the day no matter how little I slept or how grey the sky is outside. We’re even."

"Mark—"

Jackson felt his roommate’s arms wrap around his shoulders, pulling him into a hug.

He froze, before hugging Mark back.

"Can I still yell at you tomorrow ?" Mark joked when they pulled away

"Can you yell at me every day until I can’t hear that voice in my head anymore ?"

Jackson’s throat felt tight. He had managed not to cry so far, but it was a trial worse than his last fencing competition.

Mark poked Jackson’s forehead, laughing.

"Tell that voice its days are numbered. I’m coming for that spot."

Jackson laughed too.

"It would be an honour to have you as the voice in my conscience."

Jackson didn’t know if he had failed or passed a test. It felt like both at the same time.

He still was no one’s best friend.

But maybe he could be sure now that Mark, Bambam and Yugyeom were all safe doors, even if Jackson learned some lessons from them.

Maybe, learning in positive was still an option for him.

The week was ending.

Jackson had made peace with the radio silence.

It was a fatality too.

They would announce the lineup in the papers on Monday morning, and Jackson would have to read for himself that he had been cast out. He had a few hours to prepare himself for the collapse of emotions that was about to crash over him. The chances that he would still have any strength left in him to finish his exams in good conditions were slimming by the hour. He would fail there too.

Coach Song must have thought the same thing, because he gave Jackson the day off, exceptionally. It had never happened before.

Mark still had his own training so Jackson had called Bambam and Yugyeom. If he was going to have a shitty Monday, at least he could have a fun Sunday to buy some time.

He met the two at the gigantic mall where Youngjae had invited him for his birthday.

It was starting to get too cold to hang out outside, so they chose a spot to drink a warm drink together.

Jackson was listening to Bambam rant about his Business exams, when Yugyeom tapped his shoulder.

"Do you know Sheng Xiaoshuai ?" he asked, eyes glued to his phone screen

Jackson frowned.

"Yeah, of course. He’s an Olympian fencer, top three in the Chinese national team. Why ?"

"Look, he said this about you."

Yugyeom showed him the screen. It was an article from an international sports newspaper.

Jackson spotted his name right away.

_When asked about young players he wanted to keep an eye on, Mr Sheng was quick to reply._

_"Jackson Wang. He’s one of the only fencers these days I see who plays with that level of agility. He almost looks like he’s dancing and I think that’s a rare quality that could bring him really far."_

Jackson felt an ache in his heart, and a small smile appeared on his lips.

Mark had been right. Dancing would set him apart. Too bad it wasn’t enough in the end…

Suddenly, he froze, as his eyes scanned the rest of the paragraph.

_At the press conference, Mr Sheng was also asked about his plans after retirement, and if he considered becoming a coach for the national team._

"Wait what ?" he exclaimed. "Retirement ? He’s retiring ?"

Bambam and Yugyeom looked at him with wide eyes.

Jackson scrolled all the way up to see what the title of the article was.

His jaw dropped.

_Sheng Xiaoshuai announces retirement ahead of World Championships, citing health concerns._

"Shit." Jackson breathed out

"What, what’s going on ?" Bambam looked over to read the article too

"Is that a bad thing ?" Yugyeom asked, eyes filling with confusion

Jackson took his head into his hands.

"It means…" he managed to articulate, feeling like he had been hit by a space rocket. "That the national team lost one of its permanent members."

His two friends looked at each other, as if they were checking if the other had understood.

Jackson’s head was reeling.

He grabbed his own phone and dialled Song’s number without checking if it was the team’s break time yet.

"Sheng Xiaoshuai has retired." he blurted out when his coach picked up. "What does that mean ?"

"He retired ?’’ Song yelled. ‘’When did this happen ?"

"I just read it now in the news. Does that… Does it mean there are two slots on the line in the national team ?"

Song didn’t answer right away, and Jackson felt his lungs ache.

"I’ll run to my office, I need the computer. If he retired now, that means they’ve known about it for weeks. I’ll go see if I got a message from them. I’ll call you back."

Jackson dropped his phone on the table, as if it had been on fire, when his coach hung up.

He shot to his feet, ruffled his hair frenetically and fell back onto his chair.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck…" he muttered through his teeth

"What’s going on ?" Yugyeom repeated, scooting closer to Jackson and putting a hand on his shoulder out of concern

"I don’t want to get my hopes up." Jackson cried out. "I don’t want to, this is so bad."

"Are you going to know now ?" Bambam realised, his voice rising an octave

Jackson nodded.

His hands were shaking.

"I don’t think I can handle it." he breathed out, feeling tears filling his eyes. "I can’t do this, I’m going to collapse if I don’t make it."

Both Bambam and Yugyeom left their chairs and rushed to Jackson’s side, each holding one of his shoulders.

"Breathe." Yugyeom told him as he patted his head. "We’re here."

Before Jackson could reply, his phone buzzed and the caller ID of his coach popped on the screen.

A sob tore through Jackson’s throat.

"I can’t do this." he cried. "I can’t do this."

Yugyeom grabbed the phone, picked up the call and put the speaker on.

Jackson’s heart was beating too fast, he felt too hot, he was about to pass out. Tears were streaming down this face, faster than his friends could try to wipe them away.

"Jackson…"

Song’s voice was shaky.

Jackson’s heart shattered into a million pieces.

_No, no, no, no_ —

He held his breath, bracing for impact.

"You made the team."

Jackson’s entire body turned to stone.

"Jackson, they sent me the notice, you’re in the team ! You’re a national team athlete !"

It didn’t matter that they were in a public place, Jackson screamed. And Bambam and Yugyeom screamed with him, louder, at the same time.

They shot to their feet in the same motion, phone forgotten on the table, jumping and holding each other’s shoulders.

"Is it true ?" Jackson threw himself on the phone. "You’re not pulling a prank on me, right ? That would be too cruel."

"I’m looking at the list right now and I see the name Jackson Wang, so no it’s not a prank. You’re a national team athlete."

"A national team athlete !" Bambam echoed right into his ear. "Jackson Wang !"

Jackson couldn’t stop his tears now. He couldn’t even hold in his smile anymore.

He was a national team athlete.

He was on his way to World Championships.

"You better run here now." Song said —and Jackson could hear that the shakiness in his voice was a different emotion, not the one he had feared initially. "I know the announcement is tomorrow but I want your ass in the training center now, we need to celebrate."

Jackson laughed.

"Coach." he replied, breathless. "Can you do me a favour, just this time ? Can you get Mark for me ?"

"I’ll do that. Get here soon."

The call disconnected.

Jackson looked at his two friends, who were still bouncing around him with their arms in the air. Jackson beamed at them.

He waved at the people staring at them to apologise.

"Let’s go." he told his friends. "Let’s catch a taxi, we’ll get there faster."

"Wait, call your parents !" Yugyeom reminded him

Oh no, Jackson couldn’t keep himself together in front of his friends and his coach, how would he handle telling his mom and dad ?

He waited for all of them to be sitting at the back of a taxi, quiet and away from people’s eyes, to dial the home number.

He breathed in deeply. Bambam and Yugyeom held him close again.

"Hello ?"

"Hello mom ?" Jackson grinned, looking at his friends, who had that same beaming smile on their faces

"Yes baby, is everything alright ?"

"Mom…"

Yugyeom hid his mouth behind his hand, muffling his own sounds of excitement.

"How does Korea sound for some days off this summer ?"

"Korea ?"

Jackson bit his lip.

"Yeah. The World Championships are in Seoul this year."

His mother fell silent. He heard some ruffling noise, and he knew it was his father rushing to her side.

Jackson handed the phone to his friends.

"Jackson Wang ! Jackson Wang !" Bambam chanted into the microphone. "Oh wait. Shooting-star-Jackson-Wang-from-the-national-team-of-China !"

Jackson burst out laughing at the ridiculous name.

His parents screamed, and so did his friends, startling the taxi driver.

Jackson couldn’t make out anything anyone was saying, and it was probably the happiest feeling in the world. He couldn’t remember any moment in his life when he had felt his heart soar so much, the exhilaration had washed away any exhaustion, he was in the clouds.

"Who is that with you ?" his mother asked when she was done screaming too

"My friends !" Jackson grinned proudly

When they reached the training center, Mark was already in the hallway.

"Jackson Wang !" he roared and started running

Jackson was hit full force by his friend’s hug. He felt warm, warmer than he had ever felt in his _entire_ life. He had never known anything like it.

He knew there would be a lot of questions to solve now. But he wanted to bathe in that warmth for as long as he was allowed to.

"You know this is going to be hard to keep secret." Mark told him when they got back to their dorm, late at night after celebrating

"I’ll deal with it when it comes." Jackson answered

Yeah.

Jackson should know better than to doubt the lengths life would go to just to test him.


	5. Part Two (2)

The announcement was published early in the morning, Jackson was able to see it before catching the bus to get to his exam.

Dahai had made the team too.

He had decided not to care about whether or not he owed his selection to Sheng Xiaoshuai’s retirement, or if the people in charge of making the lineup had realised Jackson and his father were two different people, but he had checked one more box of his dream plan.

Now he had to prepare for World Championships if he wanted a shot at the Olympics.

He was too close to waste any precious time.

‘’How are you feeling it ?’’ Youngjae asked when they came into the exam hall

He meant the exam, but Jackson almost misunderstood. It wasn’t a good idea to tell him about his chances to earn a world championship title out of the blue.

‘’I’m lightheaded, I think I forgot everything I studied.’’ he joked —although it wasn’t that far from the truth

They sat down, not far from JB and Jinyoung.

There was something unreal about being in this room, surrounded by so many people whose eyes fell on him without knowing what he had just become. Even Youngjae, who was talking to him and laughing at a joke with their other two classmates didn’t know.

What would have happened if they knew ?

Would they have screamed and jumped with him like his friends had the day before ?

Would their eyes have changed ? Would they be like the brainless bunch ? Would they leave him in the rain ?

Jackson should not wonder about that. The last time he had gone down that line of thinking, his secret had been discovered by Bambam.

He should be careful.

He grabbed his pens and his water bottle, and tried to push away the thoughts to summon all of his memories of the class he was taking the exam for.

The professor was already making the preliminary rounds, to check if she could start handing out the papers, when the dean suddenly burst through the door.

‘’I apologise for interrupting.’’ he told the professor before turning to the rest of the class. ‘’Where’s Jackson Wang ?’’

Jackson froze.

He felt all the eyes turn to him.

His lungs turned to ice.

‘’Ah there he is !’’ the dean’s face lit up when he followed the direction of everyone’s gazes. ‘’Mister Wang ! I can’t believe you didn’t come to tell me the good news in person ! I had to learn it from the internet, and even had to call your coach to confirm it. Congratulations ! The school is very proud to have you with us.’’

Jackson couldn’t breathe.

He glanced around him.

Youngjae’s eyes were wide and lost. JB was frowning. Jinyoung was staring, the flame in his eyes had tripled in size. Everyone was looking at him, _everyone_.

How the hell was he going to explain this ?

‘’Do you mind if we post an article about your selection on our website and our social media ?’’ the dean asked

Well, if there was a slight hope that Jackson could get away with a lie this time, it was gone now.

He was done for.

Once the article was up, the entire school would know. He had managed to keep the secret for months, but now he would have to face the eyes of his class, of the dance team, of the staff, of _everyone_.

‘’Erm…’’ he breathed out

He looked at Youngjae. The boy who had been so sweet and so kind. Jackson had lied to him. Jackson had lied to everyone. They were about to find out.

The walls had closed in on him. There was no place for him to run.

His shoulders deflated.

Well… At least it would make it easier when they would make him choose between school and the championship.

‘’No.’’ he said. ‘’Go ahead.’’

‘’Fantastic !’’ the dean cheered. ‘’We’re really proud of you, Mister Wang, I think we should put that forward. Congratulations again, but when you win again, please come tell me in person !’’

‘’I will, Sir.’’

Jackson’s voice sounded hollow.

The dean left, and a wave of whispers washed over the entire hall. Jackson didn’t dare take a look around the room.

He didn’t want to see the eyes.

‘’Oh so it was you ?’’ he heard the professor say, but didn’t look at her. ‘’I’ve heard about it all morning, congratulations.’’

‘’Thank you.’’

‘’Everyone, let’s get to work !’’

Jackson glanced behind his shoulder, just to look at JB and Jinyoung. That’s when he saw that people were showing each other their phone screens, someone even leaned over to show JB.

Jackson’s heart sank.

Mark was right.

It was impossible to hide something this big.

So now Jackson had to deal with it.

Jackson did something he had never done.

Even though he had finished his paper, he stayed behind. He waited for the hall to have cleared out to get up and submit his exam.

There was a social event at the cafeteria, and his training was still hours away, but he had decided he would run to the bus stop and go back to the dorm to hide. Even the gym wouldn’t be safe right now.

Jackson burst through the doors of the hall, head down, ready to run.

His body hit another.

JB grabbed him before he could trip.

Jackson froze.

His classmate was alone, which was a rare occurrence. It looked like… Oh no, did he wait for him ? Was he about to confront him and ask for answers ?

‘’I apologise for not saying anything about it.’’ Jackson mumbled, straightening up and dropping his head

‘’Screw that, are you okay ?’’

Jackson looked up with wide eyes.

‘’Me ?’’

‘’Yes, you. You didn’t say anything, now everyone finds out. You looked like you wanted to run. Are you okay ?’’

Jackson blinked. He stood there, staring at his classmate in complete shock.

‘’No.’’ he blurted out. ‘’Not really.’’

‘’When’s your training ?’’

Jackson wasn’t good at reading the look in JB’s eyes during normal days, but now he was completely lost.

‘’At three.’’

JB grabbed him arm and gave a sign of his chin towards the end of the hallway.

‘’Okay, grab your stuff and come with me.’’

Jackson didn’t ask questions.

He took his jacket, his bag, and let JB drag him outside.

They ran. Jackson had no idea why, no one was running after them. They crossed the campus park, reached the street and kept running. Jackson was pretty much just jogging because JB wasn’t very fast, but at least that gave him time to scan their surroundings to try to understand where they were going.

JB pulled his sleeve, making him turn around.

They kept going like that for a good ten minutes until they reached a park Jackson had seen from the bus window several times.

JB stopped running but didn’t let go of Jackson’s sleeve, dragging him towards a little arrangement of stones crossing a narrow water path. JB sat down next to the water and pulled Jackson down.

‘’I’m mad at you.’’ he stated when Jackson hit the ground

Jackson’s spine tensed up.

He should have expected it, but it was almost more terrifying to realise that his classmate had waited to be surrounded by nature and the cold air to give his lecture, rather than the halls of university.

JB looked at him in the eyes. Jackson shivered.

‘’You let me talk about how you shouldn’t fence so much if it’s tiring and if it’s just to make your parents happy. A national team athlete…’’

Jackson let out a weak, almost pitiful chuckle.

‘’I appreciated the concern…’’ he admitted, as if that could make up for it

JB gave him a slap on the arm.

‘’My ass, you made me look like a fool !’’

Jackson stared at him. Why was… Why did it sound like he was laughing ?

‘’Look.’’ JB sighed, leaning back and bumping their shoulders. ‘’Don’t feel bad about it. I think I would have kept something this big to myself too.’’

Jackson was still not answering. He couldn’t figure out if Jaebeom was scolding him or not.

‘’I mean…’’ his classmate laughed to himself, gazing at the water. ‘’I would never have something this big to hide but I understand. Every reason I can think of makes sense.’’

Jackson bit his lip, still observing him carefully.

‘’So… you’re not angry at me ?’’ he asked, testing the waters

JB nudged him with his shoulder.

‘’I told you we should stick together. We only met a few months ago. If we think about it for a second, we don’t really know anything about each other. We’re workshop partners. We’re strangers. Why would you tell your secrets to a stranger ?’’

Jackson nodded.

That was indeed part of the reason why he had never thought about sharing it with JB, although he had been closer to telling him than to telling Jinyoung. They were strangers and Jackson was on the lookout for traps.

‘’So.’’ JB suddenly grinned. ‘’What is a national athlete on his way to World Championships doing here ?’’

Jackson gave a small smile. He was relieved to have dodged a lecture, but that was also a dangerous conversation.

‘’Want the honest trust ?’’

JB tilted his head, expectant.

Jackson sighed.

‘’I’m not sure.’’

It felt strange to say it out loud. But if JB’s eyes hadn’t changed for one lie, could he hope to be safe for the second one ?

‘’I needed an emergency exit.’’ he admitted. ‘’I love music, I’ve studied it when I needed a safe space to hide from the world outside. So I ended up here.’’

‘’So you’re running away from something ?’’

Jackson remained silent.

Could he really go that far ? Could he tell him ? That might be a bit too honest.

‘’You don’t have to tell me.’’

Jackson looked at him, letting his gaze scan the features and the shades of his eyes, looking for something. A warning, a red flag, the blizzard, foreshadowing, anything.

‘’But if you want me to help you run, you might wanna tell me at least yes or no.’’

Jackson frowned.

‘’Why would you help me run ?’’

JB shrugged, letting his shoulder push against Jackson’s one more time.

‘’I don’t know. ‘Cause it must be lonely to run on your own ?’’

Jackson stilled, then broke into a wider smile.

‘’How fast can you go ?’’ he teased. ‘’Faster than earlier I hope.’’

JB pushed him, groaning.

‘’Shut up, national team athlete.’’

Jackson fell over on the cold grass, laughing. He stayed there, sprawled on his back, feeling the icy bite spread around his limbs, soothing him for once instead of taking his breath away.

He closed his eyes.

‘’Your roommate…’’ JB asked, breaking Jackson’s random appreciation of the cold ground. ‘’Mark, right ? Is he…?’’

‘’Mark’s on a league of his own.’’ Jackson mumbled, not opening his eyes

There was a brief pause before his classmate spoke again.

‘’Is he running with you ?’’

‘’No. He doesn’t know that much.’’

And Jackson felt guilty about it now that he said it out loud.

But he also didn’t know that much about Mark’s life in L.A.

‘’Aren’t you friends ?’’

_You’re the energy pill that gets me through the day no matter how little I slept or how grey the sky is outside._

‘’Yeah. We are.’’

The voice at the back of his head started screaming, sirens blaring full volume. But Jackson decided to ignore it for once. Mark Tuan might be a name added to the long list of people Jackson had mistaken for friends one day, but at the moment Jackson was still feeling the will to give himself a chance at making it right.

‘’Am _I_ your friend ?’’ Jackson heard himself counter before he could realise what he was saying

The pause that followed made Jackson open his eyes.

What he saw, was that JB was looking at him, as waiting for him to do the same.

It made Jackson shudder.

‘’Do you want me to be ?’’

The look in his eyes was one Jackson wasn’t familiar with. It reminded him of something that had once played in his daydreams, as he sat alone in his elementary school yard, before fencing became the focus of all his fantasies. He had imagined that an older brother he had never heard about before had come to the school to pick him up. That he would be tall, and warm, and that he would always protect Jackson from people’s eyes and people’s mean names.

Jackson forgot he had once wanted an older brother. He didn’t even remember exactly what he looked like in his daydream, but he knew what the look in his eyes felt like.

‘’ _Yeah_.’’ he breathed out

The word tore through him like a secret held in for too long.

JB smiled.

He let himself fall to the ground too, laying next to Jackson with the top of their heads touching.

‘’Let’s be friends then.’’ he said, and Jackson felt a pang in his heart. ‘’But you have to swear that you won’t keep running away from me too.’’

Jackson took a deep breath.

‘’Okay.’’ he promised

They stayed like that, sprawled out on the cold grass.

Jackson might have to face the blizzard soon enough, but right now the cold didn’t feel so scary. Was it because he wasn’t in it alone ?

Or was it because Jackson didn’t need daydreams anymore to face the world that surrounded him ?

He was still running, but he could feel the slightest, and yet noticeable, slowing down of his pace.

Jackson walked Jaebeom back to campus, since he wanted to have lunch with Jinyoung and attend the social event, and left to wait for the bus.

He took out his phone, to let Mark know what happened. But before he could pull up his conversation with his roommate, he saw he had five unread messages from Youngjae, asking where he was.

Jackson’s chest tightened.

_bus stop_ , he typed back. It was probably too late, they still had exams so Youngjae had to have returned to his dorm to study already.

And yet, not ten minutes later, Jackson found himself sitting at the bus stop, his face almost entirely buried into his scarf, next to Youngjae.

‘’This whole time…’’ his classmate finally said staring into the void straight ahead. ‘’You were a famous athlete.’’

‘’ _Famous_.’’ Jackson snorted. ‘’I’m a fencer, Youngjae, not a basketball player.’’

‘’I looked up your name, there are articles in so many languages about you, what do you call that ?’’

‘’Specialised publications.’’

Youngjae slapped Jackson’s jacket.

‘’Ow !’’ Jackson whined

‘’I can’t believe you showed us a video of you winning a championship and called it ‘a local thing’.’’

Youngjae didn’t look exactly upset. He was pouting and talking in mumbles, but his eyes bore no cold spark.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ Jackson said, the words weighing heavily on his tongue

‘’It’s fine.’’ Youngjae shrugged. ‘’I can’t blame you. I want to say I wish you had trusted me with it but that wouldn’t be fair.’’

‘’It’s unfair of me to have kept it from you when I don’t think I had anything to fear.’’

‘’Why didn’t you, then ?’’

Youngjae was looking at him now. Again, Jackson couldn’t detect any hostility in his eyes, just sincere curiosity. He had always been kind, Jackson at least owed him an actual answer.

He sighed.

‘’Because I couldn’t believe I had made a friend who was genuinely excited to spend time with me and I thought that it would ruin it if I told you.’’

Youngjae’s eyes softened, filling with something that looked like compassion.

‘’Because people only liked you for your championships ?’’ he asked, and again it was sincere

‘’No. The opposite.’’

Youngjae frowned. A bus stopped to pick up passengers but Jackson didn’t even check if it was the one he was supposed to get on.

‘’Why ? What’s wrong with being a sports champion ?’’

Jackson hadn’t actually considered that possibility, that some people would want to be around him just because he was an athlete. He couldn’t see anything to gain from it, it wasn’t like he was actually famous or like anyone would get any benefits of their own by dropping his name.

‘’Maybe the problem is not the championship.’’ Jackson argued. ‘’But _me_ being the champion.’’

‘’You ?’’ Youngjae laughed. ‘’Jackson Wang ? The guy who looks so much like he should be a famous athlete that I’m actually angry at myself for not guessing it ?’’

Jackson smiled.

‘’Yeah.’’ he sighed. ‘’Jackson Wang. That loud guy in your class who doesn’t know how to pronounce words correctly and goes on and on forever about useless topics.’’

Youngjae’s smile widened but he raised his eyebrows in mock surprise.

‘’Oh ? You mean Jackson Wang, the friendly guy who makes everyone comfortable immediately and who makes new environments and big changes less scary, even when he’s also a stranger to that environment and going through big changes himself ?’’

Jackson rolled his eyes, looking away from his classmate.

‘’Jackson Wang ?’’ Youngjae pressed on, leaning towards Jackson. ‘’That smart guy who speaks four languages and never falls asleep in class even though he’s running from packed schedule to packed schedule ?’’

If anyone asked about why his face was turning red, Jackson would blame the cold air.

‘’Jackson Wang, the—‘’

‘’Hey, hey, stop !’’ he yelled, turning around to cover Youngjae’s mouth with his hands

Youngjae dodged him, grabbing Jackson’s wrists to keep him away.

‘’I’m serious though.’’ he chuckled

Jackson made an exaggerated face. Youngjae burst out laughing.

‘’Why are you laughing if you’re serious ?’’ Jackson teased

He kept making faces, and Youngjae’s laugh kept getting louder. They were even starting to get looks from other people coming to wait for the bus.

Youngjae slapped Jackson’s jacket again.

‘’Stop making me laugh, I’m trying to say something.’’ he whined

Jackson made another face, even sillier than the previous ones.

‘’Stop avoiding the conversation !’’ Youngjae protested

Jackson fell back in his seat, with a satisfied smile.

‘’Not my fault you get distracted by my charming personality.’’

Youngjae stared at him, then gave his jacket another slap.

‘’Ow !’’ Jackson yelled

‘’I take back my compliments, you’re annoying.’’

‘’You hurt my body, then my feelings, you’re a monster Choi Youngjae.’’

Youngjae laughed loudly, and Jackson joined him.

He wasn’t sure what this meant in terms of tests and safe doors but there was perhaps still hope that lessons didn’t have to be learned the hard way… He would have to wonder about that once he’d be done fending off the blizzard.

A blizzard, or rather a fire.

‘’I thought you were bluffing when you said I’d be disappointed.’’

Jackson came back from his training to get to his dance practice. It was late, so the last person he expected to find on his way to the gym was Jinyoung.

His classmate was sitting on the backrest of a nearby bench, alone. Had he been waiting for Jackson ? Would he ask for his reasons too ? Out of all his classmates, Youngjae and Jaebeom were the only ones Jackson had somewhat meaningful conversations with, or at least whom he had spent enough time with to understand why he should be honest with them now that his secret was out.

Jinyoung, on the other hand ?

Well, they had spent a substantial amount of time together, because they were in the same group and had projects to complete together. Was that enough to ask for an explanation too?

Jackson stopped in his tracks, holding Jinyoung’s gaze. The flame was flickering fast, there was nothing peaceful about that. Jackson’s muscles tensed up.

‘’What did you expect ?’’ he scoffed. ‘’To find out I’m a criminal wanted in several countries ?’’

He almost turned around and kept walking, but Jinyoung gave a dry chuckle and jumped off the bench.

‘’At least I wish I didn’t get my thunder stolen by the dean of all people.’’ he groaned

‘’My heart breaks for you.’’

Jackson also wished the dean hadn’t spilled the information about himself he was trying to keep quiet just for an article to promote the school, but he couldn’t be picky anymore.

At least it didn’t blow up in his face so far, he had that to be thankful for.

Jinyoung crossed the distance that separated Jackson and the bench, and stood there, looking at Jackson straight in the eyes.

Jackson held his breath.

The flame was getting too close to the wick now.

‘’I was right though.’’ Jinyoung said, eyes narrowing. ‘’You were lying to everyone’s faces.’’

‘’I never said you were wrong about that.’’

Jinyoung’s gaze darkened. Maybe Jackson should fan the flame like that, especially when he was trying not to get burned in the first place.

‘’That’s still my best friend you lied to.’’ Jinyoung took a step forward but Jackson didn’t move. ‘’And I don’t like liars trying to get close to the people I care about. Who says there’s not more you’re still hiding ?’’

Jackson rolled his eyes.

_Stop playing with fire_ , his brain provided, but Jackson was itching with irritation and the seals had eroded too much during the past weeks to keep it in.

‘’Should I do a detailed presentation on everything that’s ever happened in my life ?’’ he snorted. ‘’And what about you ? Did I ask to know about _your_ life ? Don’t you think that maybe you know more about me than I know about you ?’’

What did Jackson know about Jinyoung, really ? They were in the same classes and his best friend was Jaebeom, that was it.

Jinyoung was glaring now. The flame had grown in size and was almost big enough for Jackson to actually feel the heat on his face.

‘’I will find out if there are things you’re still lying about.’’ he warned. ‘’You can act all proud now that people think you’re a big shot, but I’m still not buying it.’’

Jackson felt a fire of his own roar inside of his chest. Maybe it was the anger he’d been holding in for over a decade, and that the national team had stoked until the embers started burning red again.

‘’Yeah.’’ he spat out. ‘’Do that.’’

He pushed past his classmate, walking all the way to the gym. When he closed the door behind him, he didn’t look back.

He didn’t need to, he knew he had left a trail of fire between them.

‘’Can you flex on everyone now, finally ?’’ Bambam asked when Jackson came inside the changing rooms

Judging by Mark’s closed face and Yugyeom’s wide eyes, Jackson guessed they had been worried about him.

He understood why. Jackson had dropped the news and then stopped answering his phone for a few hours, because of his training. They probably heard some things through the thin grapevine of the school’s social media life too.

‘’No.’’ Jackson replied, throwing his bag aside and letting himself collapse on the bench. ‘’I don’t want them to hate me. I got out of this one unscathed, I’m not gonna try my luck.’’

Yugyeom rubbed his shoulder.

‘’If they hate you, they should get on your level.’’

Bambam made a sound of approval.

Jackson shook his head.

‘’You two…’’ he sighed

‘’They have a point.’’

It was Mark.

The older was leaning against the door, with his arms crossed on his chest and his eyes darted on Jackson. His gaze was strong, but not cold.

‘’You shouldn’t have to hide what you do or what you love for people to like you.’’

Jackson looked away, feeling his muscles tense up.

_Tell that voice its days are numbered_.

Jackson shouldn’t have asked his friend to knock some sense into him whenever he could, he should have known that Mark was determined to never half-ass anything.

‘’I’m serious.’’ Mark insisted when Jackson kept looking at anything but him. ‘’You’re not in charge of their feelings. If your achievements bother them, it’s their problem, not yours.’’

Jackson took a deep breath. He slouched on the bench, sliding a bit down the wall, and threw his head back.

‘’But it’s a lonely life.’’ he sighed

‘’Why ?’’ Yugyeom countered immediately, popping into Jackson’s line of sight and taking all the space until Jackson couldn’t even look away

So, was that the problem with friends ? They always ask a follow up question ?

Bambam appeared right next to Yugyeom, raising his eyebrows at Jackson like he was throwing him a challenge.

‘’Yeah ? Do you feel lonely right now, Jack-Jack ?’’

Jackson laughed.

He looked at the two boys standing over him, then at Mark, who was watching them with a peaceful smile. His three friends.

A soft warmth grew in Jackson’s chest again.

‘’No.’’ he answered

And he was surprised at how much he meant it.

Jackson was bracing for the blizzard.

But for now, all that was coming to him was a cold wind.

He was outside of the training centre, waiting for Mark to come out of his practice. He could have waited in the lobby, where it was warmer, but it had been one of those weeks that felt like being sucked into a whirlpool and then dropped a thousand kilometres away from home.

Jackson felt dizzy.

He needed the cold bite of the wind to bring his thoughts back down, to feel his feet touching the ground and his body moving through a concrete world.

The exams were over, and some students had decided to organise a celebration. Jackson’s classmates had invited him to come with them, and he had wanted to say at no at first, because the exhaustion was catching up to him, and because he had practice in the morning. It was Mark who had convinced him to go, saying that _he_ wanted to go and needed at least one friend there.

So why did Mark disappear almost as soon as they got to the bar where the students had organised the celebration ?

Or was it not Mark disappearing but instead just Jackson getting dizzy and losing him in the large crowd ?

‘’What are you doing ?’’ Youngjae laughed, grabbing Jackson’s arm as if to make sure he wouldn’t drift in the wrong direction

‘’I can’t find Mark.’’ Jackson mumbled

‘’I’m sure he’ll find us, come on.’’

Youngjae had found Jackson wandering around and had proceeded to drag him towards a table, where Jaebeom and Jinyoung were sitting, chatting and drinking.

‘’You’re bringing home a stray ?’’ Jaebeom joked when Youngjae and Jackson joined them

_Are you a dog ?_

Jackson shook his head, forcing the memory back down in a dark corner.

‘’I lost Mark.’’ Jackson pouted dramatically

‘’His roommate.’’ Youngjae clarified for Jinyoung, who had frowned at the name

‘’Are you going home for the break ?’’ Jaebeom asked Jackson

Jackson’s muscles tensed.

He had managed to persuade Coach Song to delay the national team talks until he was done with exams. Judging by the look he got in return, it was a risky move that would probably come with a price tag.

Song was one of the coaches for the Korean national team, which would announce its final lineup in the coming weeks. That meant there was a conflict of interests. Probably one that didn’t come up very often.

It meant that Jackson should brace for negotiations. Unpleasant ones.

Would Jackson have to leave the country as soon as the Korean team was announced ? Would he have to change his coach now ? Would he have to suspend his studies halfway through the year ?

‘’I don’t think so…’’ he answered, looking in the void

At least it wasn’t technically a lie.

‘’Am I the only one going home ?’’ Youngjae’s eyes widened in disbelief

‘’See.’’ Jackson made an exaggerated face at him. ‘’There are good things about coming from a…’’

Jackson made gestures in the air to emphasise his point.

‘’ _Shitty town_.’’

Youngjae burst out laughing, Jaebeom followed though not as loudly.

Jackson frowned.

Wait. The only one ?

So Jaebeom and Jinyoung were both staying on campus ?

Before he could ask about it, Jackson was interrupted.

‘’Jackson !’’ someone called enthusiastically behind him

Jackson’s head snapped around.

Fei was making her way through the crowd, beaming, coming towards them.

Jackson got up instantly when she appeared in front of him.

‘’I tried to talk to you the other day but you looked too busy.’’ she laughed, speaking Mandarin. ‘’I wanted to ask about—‘’

Jackson quickly glanced at his classmates when he realised they couldn’t understand what they were talking about. It shouldn’t have bothered him, and yet he checked if their eyes hadn’t turned cold.

Fei seemed to notice it, because she cut herself off before finishing her sentence.

‘’Am I interrupting something ?’’ she said, covering her mouth apologetically

She looked over at the table. Youngjae smiled and waved at her.

‘’Hi. Are you a friend of Jackson’s ?’’ he asked warmly

Fei glanced towards Jackson, as if she could read the answer to that question on his face.

Jackson did not miss the way Jinyoung started squinting, having obviously caught on to something unusual between the two of them.

Jackson swallowed, and gave everyone a smile.

‘’This is Fei, she’s an old friend.’’ he introduced her quickly as he started looking around to find Mark —his emergency exit

‘’Come sit with us !’’ Jaebeom said, drawing the empty chair next to him

Jackson froze.

What the hell was he doing ? Jackson hadn’t pictured him as the outgoing type, who would just invite someone in his circle without a thorough preliminary vetting process. And judging from the way Jinyoung’s features fell as he stared at his best friend, it came as news to him too.

Jackson almost laughed. Was Jinyoung going to add Fei to the list of people he had to keep away from Jaebeom too ?

Actually, that sounded like something Jackson wanted to test out.

He let a smile stretch at the corner of his lip, and he gestured at Fei to accept Jaebeom’s invitation, showing the empty chair and sitting back on the one he had deserted next to Youngjae.

Jinyoung glared at Fei when she sat down and smiled at the group. Jackson had to bite the inside of his mouth to not howl with laughter.

‘’I didn’t want to interrupt…’’ she said in an apologetic tone, playing with her fingers nervously

‘’You’re friends with Jackson, you have to be a cool person.’’ Youngjae joked —earning himself a glare from Jinyoung in the process

Fei glanced at Jackson again. He didn’t meet her gaze.

Once again, Jinyoung seemed to catch it, as he quickly looked between the two of them and started staring at Jackson through narrow eyes. Jackson took a deep breath to force his stance to relax. He could see the flame flickering wildly, and he didn’t like that.

‘’How long have you two known each other ?’’ Youngjae asked out of the blue, gaze sparking with sheer curiosity

‘’Erm…’’ Fei hesitated, looking at Jackson with unsure eyes for the third time

‘’Elementary school.’’ Jackson answered simply

When he saw how the faces of his three classmates lit up at that, Jackson’s stomach dropped. He was walking closer and closer to a dangerous road, one he had tried to steer away from since he had left that elementary school he had just mentioned.

‘’Wow you guys must be really close then !’’ Youngjae exclaimed

‘’It’s great that you can keep studying together even abroad.’’ Jaebeom added with what looked like an impressed face

Jackson tensed up at that.

If no one clarified that, no, that wasn’t the case, then he was safe. But if Fei decided to be honest, then another one of the pieces of information he had been holding to himself would slip away from his grasp. He had promised to be a better friend, to stop hiding so much, but people had found out about his national team position _just this week_. Could life give him a little time to breathe before dropping him into the icy pool again ?

Jackson’s eyes met Jinyoung’s.

His classmate was staring straight at him. He looked like he was trying to read his mind, drilling metaphorical holes in Jackson’s skull as if he could scan the contents of his brain from where he sat.

Jackson took a big breath.

Behind Jinyoung’s head, he saw Mark appear through the crowd. His roommate’s gaze fell on Jackson, relief suddenly colouring his face, and then on Fei, and he stopped in his tracks. He sent Jackson an alarmed look.

Now.

Jackson couldn’t possibly start waving at him like someone who needs a rescue mission.

Mark knew Fei, he knew she was not an actual threat, and that it was Jackson overthinking their interactions because of a past history that Jackson had brushed over in too few details.

‘’What’s your major ?’’ Youngjae asked Fei, and Jackson suddenly felt like he had been pulled back to the hard ground down from the floating cloud of his thoughts

‘’Korean Literature.’’ she smiled, leaning forward in a more relaxed way now that the topic was switching to safer ground. ‘’I want to teach the language when I go back to China.’’

‘’That’s great !’’

Jaebeom sent Jackson a mischievous look.

‘’Did you teach Jackson ?’’ he teased

‘’Ooooh…’’ Youngjae whistled, hiding his hand behind his mouth as if Jaebeom had said something scandalous

Jackson rolled his eyes at his friends.

‘’No, no !’’ Fei replied, quickly, waving her hands in front of her

Jinyoung’s head perked up at that, his staring gaze moving to her with just as much probing intensity as he had reserved for Jackson.

‘’Actually.’’ Fei explained in an amused tone that sounded a bit embarrassed every time she glanced at Jackson. ‘’We met again here. We had no idea, we haven’t seen each other since my family changed areas and Jackson moved back to Hong Kong. This was a chance encounter.’’

Jackson’s eyes widened.

What ?

‘’Really ? That’s an amazing coincidence !’’ someone commented but Jackson was already tuning out

His perception of the conversation was being drowned in a wild storm of questions. Fei didn’t know Jackson went back to Hong Kong. Or at least, Jackson had never told her. It never came up in a conversation, and she didn’t follow him on any social media account where that information could have appeared either.

How did she find out ?

It shouldn’t bother him so much… It was a harmless detail. But still a detail he had never disclosed personally.

There was _one_ person who could have informed her however, someone who was still in their Beijing elementary school when Jackson’s parents had announced they were going back to Hong Kong. Someone Jackson had been wondering about for a while now…

‘’I’m back !’’ Mark announced, interrupting the conversation and looking straight at Jackson as if he wanted to make it clear this was a rescue mission. ‘’Should I buy everyone drinks ? Jackson come help me.’’

‘’Oh no !’’ Fei shot up to her feet. ‘’I should be the one to buy, I interrupted the conversation, I should make up for that.’’

‘’You don’t have to !’’ Youngjae tried to reassure her

‘’Can I talk to you ?’’ Jackson blurted out, switching abruptly to Mandarin so the others wouldn’t understand

Fei’s eyes widened in confusion.

‘’Jackson.’’ Mark warned

Jackson got up to his feet, only looking at Fei.

‘’Sure.’’ she replied, in Mandarin too

‘’We’ll be right back !’’ Jackson smiled at his classmates and started walking away

Mark put his arm in front of him, and gave him a worried look.

‘’Jackson.’’ he repeated

‘’I’m fine.’’

He glanced at Fei to make sure she was following, then patted Mark’s shoulder as if it could ease his worries, and walked towards the bar.

When he got out on the terrace, the icy wind slapped his face. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, allowing his lungs to clear out some of the air filled with his tension and his questions.

He could do this.

He turned around.

Fei had walked out too, and she was walking towards him quite confidently. Her eyes still looked confused, but she had a smile on her face as if she didn’t suspect that Jackson’s reasons for talking privately could be so… serious.

Was it serious ? Was Jackson giving too much weight to this again ?

‘’How did you know I moved back to Hong Kong ?’’ he asked without preamble

Fei stopped dead in her tracks. Her face fell and she blanched.

‘’Fei.’’ Jackson insisted when she remained frozen

She sighed heavily. Her shoulders dropped and she looked away.

‘’Liwei told Eugene when it happened.’’

Ah.

So Jackson was right.

It was him.

‘’They still talked…’’ he breathed out, less as a question and more as a conclusion he had refused to get to for over ten years now

_You weren’t his friend, stop overreacting._

‘’They still talk nowadays actually.’’ Fei said, looking back at him with a weak smile. ‘’They’re not as close as they used to be, they have arguments but they hang out from time to time.’’

‘’Why ?’’

Jackson wasn’t sure why that word came out of his mouth. He didn’t intend to ask.

He didn’t need to know why. Eugene had made his choice, Jackson was the one who had remained stuck on it even as an adult —like a _goddamn idiot_.

‘’Why did he tell us ?’’ Fei frowned. ‘’Or why are they still friends ?’’

‘’Why…’’ Jackson’s mouth was moving on its own. ‘’Why did Liwei know how to talk to Eugene after he moved… but not me ?’’

Fei’s face contorted, not unlike his mother’s had when she had found out some boy had broken her son’s heart.

‘’Jackson…’’ she held out her hand to reach out to his arm

Jackson took a quick step back, shaking himself up.

‘’Hold on. No, you don’t need to answer that.’’ he stopped her, moving to get back inside

Fei grabbed his wrist, pulling him back with more strength than he expected.

‘’Jackson, listen to me !’’

‘’No !’’ he protested. ‘’I don’t need to, I know why. I remember it.’’

And he didn’t want to hear it spelled out for him.

He had to move on now.

He had to act like an adult.

‘’Jackson !’’ she pulled him back again as he tried to run away

She looked at him with pleading eyes, taking his wrist in both of her hands.

‘’Please, you don’t have the answer.’’

‘’Oh really ?’’ he scoffed. ‘’So I remember wrong ?’’

‘’No, you don’t but—‘’

‘’Stop. Please. I wasn’t his friend. Liwei was. It makes sense, it’s all good. I’m not hurt, it’s just normal.’’

Fei frowned. She threw Jackson’s hands away from her own.

‘’So you’re not gonna hear me out ?’’ she said with a mix of disbelief and anger than Jackson had never seen in her eyes

‘’What will it change ?’’ Jackson’s voice was rising in pitch and volume too. ‘’We were children ! I was just that little kid Eugene picked up when Liwei was not there. That’s all. And it’s okay. It’s stupid to stay hung up on that.’’

Fei crossed her arms on her chest, her eyes turning angry. It didn’t look like the blizzard, and certainly not like fire —there was only one of those— but it was certainly a look she had never thrown his way before.

‘’Fine. Keep running away from the answers if that’s what makes you happy.’’

She sent him a glare, then stormed back inside.

A sob tore through Jackson’s throat but no tears filled his eyes.

His knees were shaking.

He found a corner of the terrace where he could sit down, resting his back on a stone wall and letting his head fall back.

He rarely fought with people, he was usually the type of person to just duck and run, or to concede defeat and call it diplomacy. He was the one who broke out arguments, not the one who got into them.

Jackson wanted to run to his bed, bury his head in his pillow and cry until he fell asleep from emotional exhaustion.

Why couldn’t he move on ? Why was he still stuck on that elementary school story ? He was an adult. Eugene and Liwei were bumps on the road, why was he making them out to be the sole bridge crossing the river, that had crumbled to pieces into the water ?

He took his face into his hands.

‘’What was that about ?’’

Jackson didn’t need to look up to know who that was.

He rolled his eyes behind his hands and sent Jinyoung a look he hoped was eloquent enough, resting his the back of his head against the cold stone behind him.

‘’You know, I don’t understand Mandarin so you could tell me it was anything and I wouldn’t know whether you’re lying or not.’’

Jinyoung was leaning against the door frame that separated the terrace from the inside, arms crossed and eyes sparkling with amusement. The flame wasn’t flickering too wildly, or at least not yet.

‘’Ah.’’ he said, nodding. ‘’Got it. You don’t want to talk to me, of all people.’’

Jackson didn’t answer.

It wasn’t even a question, so what should he even say ?

‘’For someone who hides things like it’s your job, you could at least pretend to think about it.’’

Jackson rolled his eyes again, without hiding this time.

‘’Why ?’’ he groaned. ‘’I thought you never bought any of my act anyway ?’’

‘’Cause I’m _pretentious_.’’ his classmate countered, without missing a bit —and Jackson shivered recognising the words he had thrown at him. ‘’I take pride in seeing things no one else does, and in never being fooled by anyone.’’

Jackson let out a dry laugh.

‘’Congratulations. I have a bunch of medals I can give you if you want.’’

‘’No thank you, I don’t want medals somebody else has worn first.’’

Jackson closed his eyes.

In the past, Jinyoung had come to confront Jackson, as if he was trying to fan Jackson’s own fire, but their conversations had always been brief. Maybe if he ignored him, his classmate would get bored of playing around and would leave him alone to his elementary school memories.

‘’Should I get Youngjae then ? Mark, your roommate ?’’

It didn’t sound concerned, there was a hint of irritation in Jinyoung’s voice —slightly exaggerated, but Jackson didn’t open his eyes to check if the tone matched the look in his face.

‘’I’m fine on my own.’’ he mumbled

There was a brief moment of silence, before his classmate spoke again.

‘’Okay. I’m leaving then.’’

Jackson opened his eyes, and indeed Jinyoung had turned his back to him.

But that didn’t last long, as he looked behind his shoulder and gave Jackson an annoyed look.

‘’You’re not even gonna stop me before I reach the door ?’’ he groaned

‘’People don’t do that in real life, Jinyoung.’’

Jinyoung made a face, and Jackson would have laughed if all the energy in his body hadn’t been drained by the argument he had earlier.

Sometimes Jackson couldn’t understand him. Sometimes, he didn’t look threatening, if it wasn’t for the flame he always spotted when he looked at him.

Jinyoung put his hands in his pockets and walked towards Jackson, stopping halfway across the terrace as if there was a wall keeping them at a safe distance.

‘’So you’re really not gonna pretend ?’’ he said, and Jackson couldn’t really understand why he sounded so disappointed

‘’What good has it done ?’’ Jackson sighed

Jinyoung kicked the little stones that had fallen off a nearby gigantic potted plant, swaying his head like he was thinking about it.

‘’Well. You can be exactly what you want people to believe you are when you pretend. I thought you’d know about that.’’

‘’But what if I don’t like that person ?’’ Jackson’s brain-to-mouth was malfunctioning again. ‘’What if I don’t like any version of that person ?’’

‘’Sounds like something you should say to a professional, not to me.’’

Jackson let out an exasperated roar, that made his throat ache.

‘’Well then just get out of here and stop asking questions.’’

Jinyoung was probably not expecting Jackson to raise his voice, or to look at him with… Jackson had no idea what his eyes looked like right now but he was feeling his body flame up. There was a rumble inside of him, like a volcano about to erupt.

Jinyoung’s face darkened.

‘’Fine.’’ he spat

He whipped around and walked back inside.

Jackson was, once again, alone in the cold wind.

The break started the next day.

Bambam was not going back home, unlike Yugyeom, so he started spending a lot of time at Mark and Jackson’s dorm and the training centre.

Jackson had expected the end of exams to signify being caught up into the national team discussion, with what it entailed of phone calls, arguments and scribbling different options on a whiteboard —there was one in Song’s office at the centre. However, Jackson was the only one of the team who was already done with the selection process, and Song was focusing his efforts on the others, taking them around to the last decisive competitions like he had done for Jackson.

So Jackson, and the members of his team who were too low in the rankings to qualify for selective competitions were left to fend for themselves, and train autonomously.

One day, the other members had decided to leave early since there was no one to tell them they couldn’t.

Jackson had gone in the hallway, looking for Bambam, who was checking the contents of the vending machine. He usually stayed with Mark since Song didn’t like audiences during his practices.

‘’Didn’t you say you wanted to learn ?’’ Jackson called

Bambam’s face had lit up, and he had left the vending machine without even buying anything to follow Jackson in the practice room.

While he was showing his friend the basic stances and moves, a thought flashed through his mind.

He had yet to tell anyone but Mark about the decision he would have to make soon.

And he found, as he looked at Bambam’s beaming smile as he completed the moves just as Jackson demonstrated, that his heart was aching at the thought of announcing he had to go back home.

‘’Yeah, that’s exactly right, now put your foot forward like this.’’

Would their hearts ache too ?

Would their eyes change ? Would they fill with pain ? With sadness ? With resentment ?

‘’Like this ?’’

The wheels of irony were turning once again.

‘’Yeah, exactly like this, why didn’t you tell me you were a natural ? This is upsetting.’’

Bambam burst out laughing and pushed Jackson to jump on his back. Jackson grabbed him by the legs and started running around the practice room. Bambam’s screams were meddled with Jackson’s, until the younger of the two slipped and they both fell to the ground in a mess of limbs.

‘’What the hell are you two doing ?’’

Mark was looking at them from the door, with an amused smile. He had already changed from his practice clothes and his hair was sticking to his face, as if he had just jumped out of the shower.

‘’I’m teaching.’’ Jackson announced, pointing at Bambam. ‘’He’s alright.’’

‘’I’m not alright, I’m a natural.’’ Bambam corrected

Jackson laughed, and the ache in his heart doubled, giving him a sharp pang that took his breath away.

He had come to Korea with the hope that he would get to World Championships and complete his university degree, while getting a fresh start away from all the ghosts he had left back home.

And now that he was faced with the possibility of having to go back, there was a knot tied around his ankle. And if he followed the string to see where it started, he would find the other ends tied around the ankles of his friends.

His _friends_.

The word was so foreign.

The wheels of irony really had no mercy on him, even a decade after they first started turning.

He had friends now. That was what he found in Korea. And now he had prepare to say his goodbyes.

There was no way for him to win. Whenever he got the victory his heart yearned for the most, whenever he held the medal he had been striving for, he had to concede a defeat on the other side of it.

He knew the price for a life of championships was loneliness. Time and time again, as the years passed, and even up until a few weeks before, he had always told himself it was not a big sacrifice.

And yet now his heart was aching.

_what are you doing ?_

Jackson’s phone buzzed as soon as he got inside the changing room.

The message came from Jaebeom, and it came with a picture of his classmate’s exaggeratedly bored face lit by what seemed to be the glow of a computer screen.

Jackson snapped a picture of his own face, drenched in sweat, pulling the best exhausted grimace he could come up with.

_sexy_ , was Jaebeom’s reply

Jackson rolled his eyes and typed back : _what do you want ?_

_are you free tonight ? i’m bored_

Jackson frowned.

_where’s jinyoung ?_

The icon signalling Jaebeom was answering popped up, and Jackson stared at it for a good minute before a message finally appeared on screen.

_his mom’s in seoul for work, he’s having dinner with her_

_so. are you free ?_

Jackson sat down on the bench, scanning the words over and over again as if he was trying to decipher an ancient alphabet.

Jaebeom was asking to spend time with him, he wasn’t making that up in his mind ?

_‘’Let’s be friends then. But you have to swear that you won’t keep running away from me too.’’_

Jackson had promised.

_i’m having dinner with mark and bam, wanna join ?_

His heart almost jumped in his throat when he pressed send.

Wasn’t the best way to show you weren’t running away to dash forward, even if it’s straight into a wall ?

_will that be alright with them ?_

Jackson didn’t even ask the people in question, he typed : _yes of course! i’ll send you the address_

Now.

All he had to hope for was that he wasn’t actually driving into a wall with this one.

_Especially since you’ll have to say goodbye to him too_ , a voice in his head added

Ah.

That was the price for wishing for a new start, for better luck, for a lesson learned. That he would always have to choose what mattered the most to him.

_Be your own best friend…_

Jaebeom joined them at the address Jackson had sent him, which was a lively street not far from the training centre where the shops sold all kinds of food. It was the place Jackson and Mark always took Bambam since break started.

They had already found a spot to sit down, when Jackson saw his classmate appear, bathing in the warm lights of the street and looking around the faces in the crowd, probably to find Jackson.

He waved and Jaebeom saw him. He smiled, speeding up his pace to join the three of them.

‘’Hi.’’ Mark greeted immediately

‘’Hi, I’m Jaebeom, I’m Jackson’s friend.’’

Bambam, who was already digging into his dinner, raised his hand.

‘’I’m Bambam, I’m Jackson’s friend too !’’ he said with his mouth almost full

Jaebeom gave a small laugh, and sat down with them, sliding his bag off his shoulder.

‘’And you must be Mark.’’ he said, looking at Jackson’s roommate. ‘’Also Jackson’s friend.’’

‘’Am I the common denominator ?’’ Jackson groaned

‘’No. Me and Mark met first.’’ Bambam reminded him

Jackson pinched his waist as revenge —for what ? don’t ask— and Bambam yelped.

Mark explained to Jaebeom how he could get the food he wanted. Jackson’s classmate came back after a few minutes with his hands full.

‘’How was training ?’’Jaebeom asked Jackson as he started eating

‘’Quiet. My coach is out of town for a competition.’’

He met Mark’s gaze, whose eyes looked inquisitive. Jackson knew his roommate was on the fence about the national team talks, as his voice always had a tense edge every time he asked Jackson if he had any news about it.

‘’What about you ?’’ Jackson returned the question to his classmate. ‘’What are you doing with your days on break ?’’

‘’Oh, you know…’’ Jaebeom wasn’t looking at him, and didn’t even seem that focused on the food in front of him. ‘’Trying to come up with some tracks. With Jinyoung too. You could join us one of these days if you’re not too busy.’’

Jackson bit his lips.

His last one-on-one conversation with Jinyoung hadn’t been the friendliest. None of their interactions ever were really, except that time before the music history exam when Jinyoung had laughed at his joke. If Jackson had any notion of survival instinct, he should know when to run away from a bad idea.

He was saved from having to give an answer by Mark, who laughed while he looked between Jackson and Jaebeom. There was an amused spark in his eyes.

‘’What happened to ‘ _I can’t make friends_ ’ ?’’ he asked Jackson

It took a few seconds for Jackson’s brain to connect the words to the memory Mark was alluding to.

‘’Did he say that ?’’ Jaebeom laughed, raising his eyebrows in a face that looked vaguely disbelieving

Bambam too, was looking at them with wide eyes, munching happily on his food.

‘’Yeah.’’ Mark’s tone was teasing but carried no bite. ‘’It took him fifteen minutes to buy a pen because he was screaming about it in the middle of the store.’’

‘’Hey.’’ Jackson protested, dropping his head towards his food to hide the warm colour that was spreading over his face

‘’That’s funny.’’ Jaebeom said. ‘’When I saw you for the first time, I thought you were the type to have a thousand friends all over the place.’’

‘’Me too !’’ Bambam exclaimed, holding out his hand for Jaebeom to hit

If they kept this up, Jackson would soon have to bury his face inside his plate just to avoid looking at them.

He shook himself up, trying to get his composure back.

‘’I just fooled all of you.’’

He had hoped that the non-conclusive answer would cause the conversation to fizzle out and the topic to inevitably change, but apparently, it seemed to have the opposite effect, as Jaebeom’s face lit up all of a sudden with an amount of sheer glee that gave Jackson shivers.

‘’Did you guys know he came up to me and my friend to ask if we wanted to join your dance team while he was shirtless ?’’

Jackson took his own face into his hand, refraining the urge to scream at the top of his lungs, as all three of his friends started laughing.

He was expecting the blizzard to slap him, and yet…

The laughter made his face heat up, but not his stomach drop.

‘’It wasn’t premeditated…’’ he mumbled as an excuse, as Bambam threw an arm around his shoulders to comfort him in his embarrassment

‘’Is that why more people didn’t join the team ?’’ Mark joked. ‘’Because Jackson scared everyone away ?’’

‘’Why would they be scared of me shirtless ?’’

‘’It wasn’t scary.’’ Jaebeom assured. ‘’A bit intimidating but definitely memorable. Wakes you up better than coffee.’’

Jackson let out a deep groan, hiding into Bambam’s shoulder, that was shaking with how much the boy was laughing.

He shouldn’t have asked for friends…

Night fell, and when it became time for Jaebeom to leave them, Jackson’s chest felt light.

He volunteered to walk his classmate to the nearest subway station, as it wasn’t too late. Bambam was crashing on Jackson’s bed, for the third night in a row now. Jackson found didn’t mind too much, but it made his heart break as he woke up in the middle of the night sometimes and found his friend mumbling in a foreign language. In those moments, he looked so vulnerable, and although Jackson couldn’t see his eyes, there was a sadness painted over his features. Whether it meant Bambam felt homesick or not, Jackson made sure he was covered comfortably and that he always found a warm drink on the table in the morning.

‘’Thank you.’’ Jaebeom said while they were walking away from the lively street, pulling Jackson out of the pool of his thoughts. ‘’It was nice.’’

Jackson looked up at him.

His eyes were turned to the starless sky above them, but his face had the unreadable quality that Jackson had always made Jackson’s alarms scream.

‘’Were you feeling homesick ?’’ he asked

Jaebeom snorted.

‘’No. I can’t feel homesick. Home is here, where I have my music, and the people who believe in me and don’t tear down my dreams.’’

Jackson waited a while, weighing whether he should pry more.

_Let’s be friends then. But you have to swear that you won’t keep running away from me too._

Did that mean it worked the other way around too ? If they were each other’s friend, did that mean that it was safe for Jackson to ask questions too ?

‘’So, Jinyoung.’’ he said

A slight smile curved the corners of Jaebeom’s lips.

‘’He’s part of home, yes.’’

‘’So when he’s away from the night, is that almost like being homesick ?’’

Jaebeom finally looked at him, and his eyes were gleaming with something that looked half-amused and half-surprised.

‘’You make it sound like you don’t know what it feels like to be homesick.’’

‘’I’m just trying to understand what it’s like when home is not a place.’’

Jaebeom hummed.

‘’How long have you two been friends ?’’ Jackson asked again

‘’With Jinyoung ?’’ his classmate seemed to think for a moment. ‘’Going on three years almost.’’

_Wow_. Jackson had never had someone close to him for that long, except for his family. Everything he had ever tried to build had always crumbled down after a few months. So far, the record-holder was Jack.

That thought filled Jackson’s mouth with a sour taste.

_Bullshit. You want her to break up with me so she can be with you. Don’t think I don’t know guys like you_.

‘’He was the first person who stuck by my side.’’ Jaebeom’s voice interrupted Jackson’s reel of memories like someone suddenly pressing eject on a tape player. ‘’And the first person who didn’t make me feel so alone.’’

How lovely. Too bad Jackson hadn’t met that Jinyoung, instead of the possessive and arrogant version of the guy.

‘’That’s nice.’’ he commented, noncommittally

Jaebeom laughed.

‘’Again, you make it sound like you don’t know what that’s like.’’

Jackson’s heart sank.

Did he ?

He had always been alone. Even his parents had some amount of reservations on his dreams, hence why he was pursuing a degree in university, and hence why he was now standing next to his classmate.

Mark was an athlete, and despite having a different dream than Jackson, he had never questioned him. Bambam and Yugyeom were the first people who had ever showered Jackson in their enthusiasm for his achievements. All three of them had shown him concern, support and never at any point a change in the look in their eyes.

But they were a first.

Did Jackson still feel alone ?

Well.

Yes.

Because there was a dark cloud forming above his head, a new clock with a different invisible countdown. Not to the moment his secret would be out, but to the moment he would have to take a knife to the perfect picture he had painted for himself.

_A reminder. That the price for big dreams is loneliness_.

‘’Jackson ?’’

_It must be lonely to run on your own_.

Jackson jumped at Jaebeom’s voice. He had forgotten he had a question to answer.

‘’Erm…’’ he tried to recollect the words his classmate had spoken earlier. ‘’It’s just… a recent development.’’

Jaebeom nodded.

_Do you feel lonely right now, Jack-Jack_ ?

It made Jackson sick to think there was still a possibility that Jack would remain his longest friendship. Not when he had done so much to run and leave him in the dust.

‘’You know. Jinyoung came out of nowhere and I had lost hope I would ever be anything but alone. For the first year I always braced for the moment he would disappear. I kept thinking I would wake up and find I had imagined him. Or that I’d turn around and he would be gone, even though he was walking right by me. And yet he’s still here.’’

The subway station was just down the street now.

A knot tightened in Jackson’s throat.

He would have to say goodbye in a few moments.

‘’He cares about you a lot.’’ Jackson commented, and it wasn’t a lie. ‘’In his own special way.’’

Jackson was surprised to hear Jaebeom laugh at that.

‘’Yeah, I know.’’ he sighed. ‘’He’ll come around to you, don’t worry.’’

Well. If that was true, then he had to hurry up, because Jackson’s days in Korea were most likely numbered.

To Jackson’s surprise —and also great irritation— their break ended before anyone sat down to talk about how they would organise the rest of his training before World Championships.

Jackson was back in class, following lessons he might have to interrupt midway.

The fire rumbling in the deepest depth of his stomach was starting to make its presence known again.

His hands were shaking while texting Youngjae about a notes folder he had forgotten during their class earlier that day.

‘’Have you talked to Song ?’’ Mark asked as he was setting up the room for dance practice, probably noticing Jackson’s clenched jaw and scowl

‘’I did. This morning.’’ the words felt like knives sliding down Jackson’s tongue. ‘’He said he’ll tell me when he’s done talking to Yong and the others. But why can’t _I_ talk to them ? Song’s been my coach for less than a year, he can’t decide for me on this.’’

‘’Decide what ?’’

Mark and Jackson both whipped around. Yugyeom was bringing the pack of water bottles. His eyes looked wide and confused.

Shit.

Mark glanced at Jackson, as if to ask if it was okay to answer.

Jackson had dragged him into too many secrets, he couldn’t let him clean up his mess one more time.

‘’My coach is also possibly the coach of at least one fencer in the Korean team.’’ he sighed. ‘’That means that the people in charge of the Chinese team might not want me to stay with him now that I’m training for World Championships.’’

Yugyeom put down the pack of bottles and frowned.

‘’So who would be your coach ? Your father ?’’

Jackson shrugged.

‘’Either my previous coach in Hong Kong or one they assign me. But both of these mean I would probably need to go back to China for the rest of the year.’’

Jackson saw the exact moment when the information linked with its conclusion in Yugyeom’s brain, because his teammate’s face filled with something that Jackson had never seen before. It wasn’t betrayal, or disappointment. It wasn’t even fear or shock… it looked like… urgency, maybe ?

‘’But you would have to repeat the year if you don’t complete this semester ?’’ he exclaimed

Jackson took a deep breath.

‘’No. It means I have to drop out.’’

Yugyeom’s features fell.

It was somehow easier to break the news than Jackson had braced himself for. It still didn’t wash away the bitterness that was spreading all over his mouth.

The rumble started growing louder.

‘’What can you do ?’’ Yugyeom asked, his voice small

‘’Yell at someone ?’’ Jackson groaned

He should have found a way to at least try to make his tone sound joking, because Yugyeom’s eyes turned sad.

He walked up to Jackson and put a hand on his shoulders.

‘’We’ll figure it out. Let’s hope for the best.’’

_We_.

It shouldn’t have felt like a stab in Jackson’s stomach. But it did.

There was another price for wanting friendships. At least when he was on his own, there was no one he could hurt.

The door opened, and the other members of the team started coming in, followed by Bambam —who would very probably catch up soon on what had been said.

Jackson’s gaze met Fei’s and it felt like the room froze for a fraction of a second.

Jackson held his breath.

_Fine. Keep running away from the answers if that’s what makes you happy_.

What answers was he still running away from ? What did she know that he didn’t ?

He should probably push that in a corner of his mind, and keep going on his way without stirring up the ghosts too much.

But there was a question that kept bothering him, like a blinking signal incessantly beeping in his ear. If he wanted an answer to it, he had to open the box that contained all the ghosts, and that was not a good idea. He had just found some sort of stability with the people around him, he couldn’t risk ruining that for himself because he couldn’t move on from goddamn elementary school.

But seven year old Jackson was stubborn.

He ran after Fei when practice ended. He found her just outside of the gym, scrolling through the missed calls notifications on his phone.

She looked up to see who had come out and Jackson saw all her muscles tense up.

‘’Sorry.’’ he said, not really knowing why. ‘’I just wanted to ask if you had a good break.’’

Her eyes widened the slightest bit, and Jackson understood she didn’t expect that question.

‘’Oh.’’ she blurted out. ‘’Yeah. Yeah, I did. I got to go home for a few days, what about you ?’’

‘’Can’t move around without my coach. I stayed here.’’

Jackson didn’t mean to glance at the name on her phone screen. And yet. He expected it to be some form of _idiot brother_ again. But no.

_Chang Liwei_.

His jaw almost dropped.

He thought he had stopped himself from showing any reaction just in time, but Fei quickly threw her phone inside her bag.

‘’Fei.’’ Jackson caught her arm before she turned around to leave. ‘’I’m sorry for the way I acted. I was the one who asked you a question, and then I ran off saying I didn’t want to hear the answer. I’m sorry.’’

Fei’s shoulders seemed to relax a bit. Her features softened. She gave him a tight smile.

‘’It’s okay. You have your reasons and I understand. I mean…’’

She sighed heavily. Jackson let go of her arm, and she let her back fall against the wall behind her.

‘’When you said you remember it…’’ she said, looking at him straight in the eyes. ‘’So do I. I shouldn’t blame you for not wanting to get back into those memories too deeply.’’

Jackson took a few steps around, pacing.

Half of his brain was urging him to ask what answers she thought he was running away from. The other half, the one that came in crawling and hissing, wanted him to evaluate everything it meant that she was talking to Liwei.

Jackson didn’t want to, but his thoughts provided him with a stream of ideas about the implications of that, most of which he didn’t want to even consider.

‘’It’s alright.’’ he lied. ‘’It was a long time ago, I should have moved on already.’’

A movement at the corner of his eyes drew Jackson’s attention. He turned his head, then froze.

Jinyoung was walking towards the gym.

Alone.

Jinyoung was never alone. Except when he wanted to talk to Jackson.

Shit.

‘’Jackson.’’ Fei called

Jackson turned his head back to her, putting on the best face he could that didn’t betray that all the alarms had activated in his mind and that he was starting to see red flashes from the sirens blaring.

‘’Please, answer this honestly.’’ she continued, her tone heavy. ‘’Why do you think Liwei went after you ?’’

Jackson blinked.

What ?

That was the first time he heard that question. Even seven-year-old Jackson hadn’t asked it.

‘’Erm…’’ it was hard to think of an answer with the sirens screaming to watch out for incoming danger in his blindspot, on his right. ‘’Because I was an easy target ? I didn’t know anyone, I was bad at Mandarin, I was an outsider… Something like that ?’’

‘’So because of who you were ?’’

Jinyoung was now just a few steps away from them.

‘’I guess ?’’ Jackson hummed before turning to face his classmate. ‘’Hi. Can I help you ?’’

Jinyoung frowned, as if he didn’t expect Jackson to speak first.

Jackson looked back at Fei and gave her an apologetic smile. She shrugged.

‘’Come to me yourself when you’re tired of running away.’’ she told him in Mandarin, before giving him a goodbye hug and walking away

‘’You two made up ?’’ Jinyoung commented when she was out of hearing range

Jackson rolled his eyes.

He took a few steps away from the gym, in case one of his teammates walked out and saw the two of them. He gave already too much food for concern to Mark, Bambam and Yugyeom, they didn’t need to know he also had to deal with Park Jinyoung.

‘’What do you want ? You’re not usually a wind that brings good news, so what’s the problem this time ?’’

He turned around, waiting for his classmate to catch up to him.

Jinyoung walked slowly, swaying his head from side to side as if he was turning the words in his mind before speaking.

‘’Is it because JB came to our dorm last week ?’’ Jackson groaned before he could stop himself. ‘’Because if it is, I don’t have time for another _he’s my best friend not yours_ conversation.’’

Jinyoung stopped dead in his tracks. He sent a strong glare towards Jackson, and the flame grew bigger than it had ever been.

Jackson froze.

He knew that look.

_Don’t think I don’t know guys like you_.

But no, it wasn’t Jack. He had seen it in someone else’s eyes, a long, long time ago.

‘’I know he was at your dorm.’’ Jinyoung spat. ‘’But if you’re gonna act like you _don’t have time for this_ , should I run after that friend of yours and ask her instead ? Maybe she knows something I should know, if you two are fighting all the time.’’

‘’And then what ? You’re gonna tell JB that it’s a valid reason not to be my friend anymore ?’’

The rumble inside Jackson was so loud that it was running through his bones now and ringing in his ears.

He knew the anger was there, he had to keep it in. It was explosive and Jinyoung’s flame was getting closer and closer to the wick that could set up the powder keg. This was a recipe for disaster.

He took a deep breath, trying to quiet down the rumbling.

Jinyoung took a step forward.

‘’Would you rather I make up something ?’’ he challenged. ‘’Do you think you two are close enough that he’ll believe your word over mine ? You, who lied to his face for months ?’’

Jackson should have known.

Maybe that was the test that life wanted him to take.

Jinyoung wasn’t Jack. He wasn’t a repeat of his high school experience.

Because Jack wasn’t the problem. Jack _was_ the repeat.

The problem was, always had been, Chang Liwei.

Liwei had been the one who had accused Jackson of trying to steal someone away from him.

So had Jack.

_Bullshit. You want her to break up with me so she can be with you. Don’t think I don’t know guys like you._

And just like Liwei, Jack had responded by making rumours about Jackson so that the whole world would turn their backs on him.

Jack was Liwei, and so was Jinyoung.

That was Jackson had to realise. There weren’t three ghosts. There were two. Or maybe there was only one.

That should have been a positive conclusion to reach, one that should have given Jackson hope. And yet, the rumbling doubled in volume all of a sudden. Jackson’s skull was pounding painfully.

_Keep it in, don’t break now_.

‘’What is it with people always accusing me of trying to steal their friends ? Their girlfriends?’’ his voice was starting to rise too much — _keep it in_. ‘’Am I that big of a threat ? I’m not doing anything.’’

‘’Don’t be pretentious. You’re not a threat, you’re just a nuisance.’’

Jackson’s body turned to stone.

Pretentious.

Yes.

Jackson had been pretentious enough to want to be Eugene’s friend.

To dream of being an Olympic champion.

To win medals while his middle school friends were preoccupied with popularity races among their own friend groups.

To go study abroad just to run away from the people who ruined his high school years.

He had been pretentious enough to hope that he could have both, a place in the national fencing team and a group of friends who made him happy.

That had always been the problem.

The reason anyone had ever aimed their arrows at him.

_Keep it in. Jackson, keep it in_.

He turned his back to Jinyoung, hoping that not seeing his face and the flame that was dancing wildly in the wind would ease the rumbling that was starting to make his hands shake.

But no.

It made it worse.

Because now that Jackson didn’t see the flame, he didn’t see the wick either. He didn’t see the powder keg, the danger, the alarms blaring.

‘’You know what I think ?’’ the words started pouring out on their own, laced with so much anger that it felt like Jackson’s mouth was on fire. ‘’You hate me because you’re scared. You’re scared that Jaebeom will realise when he’s hanging out with me that you’re not that interesting after all. But that sounds like your problem, not mine.’’

Fire was burning his lungs now.

He wasn’t even looking around the campus anymore. He was walking through a memory, of an elementary school yard, of four children sitting in the middle of a gravel pit, making piles. One of the children’s face had lit up like a Christmas tree, while another one’s had darkened. Both were looking at the same child.

Jinyoung’s glare was familiar because it was the same one Liwei had darted Jackson’s way when Eugene had found out they liked the same cartoons.

But there was no flame in Liwei’s eyes that Jackson could remember.

He turned around.

The fault slipped.

‘’Yeah, I’m a fraud, happy now ?’’

Jackson couldn’t keep it in. The rumble was too strong, and the seal had eroded completely, as his anger kept boiling while waiting for an answer from Song and the national team.

‘’I walk around pretending I belong here when I don’t. I’ve been out of place everywhere, all the time. You don’t think I know ? I get constantly reminded, I see it in people’s eyes, you think I can ignore that ? The way people looked at me when I couldn’t speak Mandarin, when I can’t speak Korean, it’s always staring at me straight in the face.’’

Jinyoung seemed to have frozen on the spot but Jackson had exploded and now he couldn’t stop the flow of words. The rumble of anger had turned into an earthquake, and he knew he would have to pick up the crumbled pieces of all the walls he had ever tried to build up.

‘’I was out of place so they called me names, I was out of place so they pushed me around and yelled at me and called me a dog, they made up lies and made me too terrified to even walk into school, I had to run and find any place where I wouldn’t see all of their _eyes_.’’

Jackson’s head was spinning.

‘’I ran away and I ended up here. I wanted a break from all of it, from people’s eyes, can you really blame me ?’’

He looked into Jinyoung’s eyes. It didn’t matter now if he got burned, he was already on fire from the inside.

‘’So yeah, go tell Jaebeom he shouldn’t be friends with me. Make up any lie you want if you feel like it. You’ll just show me I was right. I’m out of place here too. No matter how far I run, I will always be. You’re just like everyone else I’ve ever met.’’

At those words, the flame in Jinyoung’s eyes turned into a blaze.

‘’No I’m not.’’ he said, with the same amount of burning anger in his words that Jackson’s own contained. ‘’You have never met anyone like me. I don’t care about pushing you around and calling you names. All I want is for my friend to know who he’s really letting into his life, because I’ve seen the ones that came before. And I’ve seen frauds before, and people who walk around showing everyone else how much better they are. And how everyone always chooses them.’’

He took a step closer to Jackson.

‘’You know what ? You’re right. When I look at you, all I see is how much more you’ve achieved in the same amount of time where I’ve achieved nothing, and you remind me constantly of how much I’m lacking compared to someone who is only here because he’s running away and not because he wants to be. You’re not the first one like that, I’ve learned my lesson this time.’’

Either Jackson had walked too far from the gym or the two of them had just been wrapped into a bubble that excluded the rest of the world, because it was impossible that anyone walking by right now wouldn’t hear them. And if that anyone was one of their friends, it was impossible that they wouldn’t try to run and tear them away from each other.

‘’So what if I wanna see you lose against me just one time ? So what if I want to have something you can’t have ?’’

‘’So what ?’’

Ever since the first day he had met his classmate, he had expect Jinyoung’s flame, fanned too much, to be the one to touch the wick and set up the powder keg that would destroy everything in its wake.

But no.

It was Jackson’s.

‘’Do you know how many people like you have been trying to tear me to shreds exactly like you’re doing now ?’’ he roared. ‘’How much do you think there’s left to shred before I can’t recover again ?’’

Jackson let himself fall onto the nearest bench, taking his face into his hands.

‘’I’m not strong, Jinyoung.’’ he continued, and the words tore painfully through his throat. ‘’I’ve been fighting off blows my whole life and I can barely stand up on my feet anymore. I’m tired. I’m _exhausted_. I just want to stop worrying for two seconds, _two seconds_ , about whether or not people hate me, or about who might be the next one to aim right where I was already hit before. I’m tired.’’

He looked up at his classmate, shaking his head.

‘’You won. I’m leaving for China soon. I’ll probably never come back again. So you won.’’

Of all the words that had been flooding out of Jackson’s heart, those seemed to land the hardest on Jinyoung, because his face suddenly fell.

‘’So, congratulations ! I don’t have a medal for you but you said you don’t care about those anyway. You’ve had your fun, you’ve shredded the last piece of hope I had that this could be the place where I could belong for once, where I could start over and try to be happy. So thank you very much, you’ve taught me an important lesson, I’m incredibly grateful, but now I beg you, never show your face to me again.’’

‘’Jackson…’’

‘’Get out. I still know how to use a sword.’’

Jackson looked away. He didn’t hear his classmate move for a few instants, and then he heard the zipper of his backpack open and close, then an object being dropped on the bench next to him.

‘’Here. This is what I came for.’’

And then Jinyoung left. Quickly, almost running.

Jackson glanced at the object he had left for him.

It was his notes folder.

If the earthquake had hit, it was only a prelude to the sky falling over Jackson’s head.

He had been preparing for it, but the wait had somehow become the thing that made Jackson’s head spin instead of the result at the end of it.

He ran out of the practice room, and down the stairs that led to the ground floor. He found Mark just outside of the bathroom, downing a water bottle. He was drenched in sweat, he was preparing for a big day, his training was getting more intense.

‘’Woo made the Korean team.’’ Jackson blurted out when he reached his roommate. ‘’It’s not public information but I heard everyone congratulating him.’’

Mark choked on his water.

‘’What ?’’ he exclaimed. ‘’Where is Song ? What did he say ?’’

‘’He’s on the phone.’’

Jackson couldn’t feel himself breathe anymore.

It was official.

Jackson had to pack his bags.

And just as he formulated that thought, Coach Song appeared down the stairs, looking like he had just hung up the phone, that was in his hand.

Mark and Jackson exchanged a look.

Jackson could see in his friend’s eyes that he was just as worried as him. Somehow, that gave some warmth to Jackson’s heart.

‘’Ah Jackson !’’ Song called, walking up to them. ‘’Did you hear ? Woo made the team. It was a close call but he did it. I was just on the phone with Yong Yaojun and the others, they confirmed that you should train with one of their coaches. They recommended you to Hua, he’s the one he trains Dahai in Beijing, he’s a friend of your father’s.’’

‘’Wait, is that decided ?’’ Jackson had expected to have some time to look for a coach before getting transferred

Song shrugged.

‘’Pretty much. We still need a time frame and some details.’’

‘’Do I not get a say ? Can I talk to them ?’’

‘’You can if you want, but I don’t think you’ll have any arguments better than theirs.’’

Jackson shook his head.

‘’Can’t I get someone else here at least ? Do I have to transfer to Beijing of all places on a short notice ?’’

‘’Unless you can convince your father to drop the fencers he coaches to move here and train you exclusively, I’m afraid you’re gonna have to.’’

Jackson’s shoulders fell.

No that was out of the question.

Not after Yong Yaojun had made it very clear that Jackson’s career was in the shadow of his father’s.

He was screwed.

But Beijing, of all the cities. Couldn’t he at least join his old coach back in Hong Kong ? He would be with his family too, even if he would still be close to some of the ghosts he had failed to outrun anyway.

‘’It pains me to see you go too, don’t think otherwise.’’ Song added, giving him a pointed look. ‘’But your career comes first and that means you have to make hard choices.’’

Jackson’s eyes snapped to his coach’s face, and the rumble was back. Jackson could feel the fire in his words.

‘’You’re the one who told me you could train me for the Olympics.’’ he reminded Song. ‘’Did you not think this would happen ? Or did you not believe I would make it ? That I would turn out to be better than all the other kids you’ve trained ?’’

At that, Mark grabbed his arm and pulled him back a few steps, as if he wanted to hold him back before he exploded.

‘’Cut the attitude. What is this about ?’’ Song countered. ‘’Your university degree ? Your friends ? Do you want to be an Olympic champion, yes or no ?’’

Jackson’s jaw clenched.

He was in front of the wall. It was his choice to push the acceleration pedal or not.

There was nothing he could argue against that.

‘’Yes.’’ he said, lowering his eyes

‘’Well, then you have to make the right choices for it. You won the junior championship before you ever met Mark or anyone else, you’ll be fine without them. Plus, don’t you have a phone ? You can keep in touch. You’ll meet plenty of people in your life, don’t let this hinder your career plans.’’

Jackson felt Mark’s grip on his arm grown tighter with each word.

Song sighed, giving Jackson a sorry look.

‘’Jackson. You’re only in that university to make your parents happy and keep them off your back. Call them and explain the situation, I’m sure they’ll understand. Come on. I’ll see you in the practice room in ten minutes.’’

And with those words, he walked away, heading towards the stairs.

Jackson crouched down on the ground, taking his head between his hands, then shot back up to his feet.

‘’It’s over.’’ he breathed out. ‘’It’s over…’’

Mark’s eyes had filled with the same grey clouds that Jackson felt taking over his chest.

‘’You can still try to talk to them. Maybe they’ll hear you out.’’

‘’But with what arguments ?’’ Jackson almost cried out. ‘’That I have to finish my semester ? They’ll tell me I shouldn’t bother with World Championships if that’s what I care about.’’

Silence fell on the hall. Jackson’s gaze was darted to the ground, Mark’s in the void.

‘’Will you be back next year if you leave ?’’ the older finally spoke up after a while

Jackson sighed heavily.

‘’I don’t even know. Right now everything seems pointless.’’

‘’What about your father ? Can’t he coach you instead ?’’

‘’Yeah, just when I convinced everyone to let me make my own name.’’

Mark’s shoulders hit the wall behind him. He shook his head.

‘’The transfer is not confirmed yet. We’ll find a way.’’

Jackson finally looked up at his roommate.

He looked heartbroken.

Jackson’s heart felt tight at the sight.

‘’What if we don’t ?’’ he said, his voice low

Something flashed in Mark’s eyes, before a slight smile appeared at the corner of his lips, small but still impossible to miss.

‘’I’ll make sure to blow up your phone every single day so you don’t forget about me.’’

A small laugh escaped Jackson’s lips, but Mark’s words had the intended effect. Jackson felt the warmth spread back all over his chest.

Even if his transfer tore his friendships apart from the stretch of the distance, at least he had gotten to experience this feeling for as long as life had allowed him to.

But there was still a question to solve.

And that was the procedure to leave university.

A new big workshop assignment had already started. Jackson was paired with Youngjae, that meant he would have to leave his friend in a difficult position. Maybe he could buy some time until the assignment was due before dropping out ?

That would give him a few weeks to call his parents to let them know… And to say his goodbyes.

He still had to tell his classmates.

‘’I heard you’re leaving.’’

Jackson straightened up abruptly from where he had buried his face between his arms, on the table of the study room where he was waiting for Youngjae.

Jaebeom sat down next to him, taking out the things he needed to work on their assignments.

‘’Jinyoung told me.’’ he added

Ah. Jackson should have guessed. He was the one who had spoken, in the heat of their argument, he had let it slip without really knowing why.

‘’What else did he say ?’’ Jackson groaned, slumping against the backrest of his chair

Jaebeom laughed and Jackson saw his eyes soften a bit.

‘’I heard you two fought over me. Should I be flattered ?’’

Jackson rolled his eyes.

‘’Don’t be. I was not a willing participant.’’

‘’Still, am I that cool ?’’

Jackson laughed at that. He couldn’t help it. Maybe it was something about the fact that his classmate was looking at him with warm, gleaming eyes. As if they weren’t talking about a serious argument.

‘’Apparently.’’ he said with a shrug of his shoulders. ‘’Since he was really trying hard to keep me away from you.’’

Jaebeom turned his chair to face Jackson better.

‘’He says you dared him to.’’

Jackson snorted.

‘’It’s his fault for taking things literally.’’

And Jackson hadn’t dared him to do anything, they were butting heads and he said a string of things he didn’t mean. In a way, he had fanned the flame on his own.

‘’He’s not a bad person.’’ Jaebeom said

‘’I’m not forgiving him.’’

‘’I’m not asking you to.’’

Jackson looked away.

When he spoke again, Jaebeom’s voice was soft, but laced with something that strangely sounded like grief.

‘’What happened ?’’ he asked. ‘’Will you tell me ?’’

Jackson’s head snapped up.

What were the chances that Jinyoung had actually told him the whole story ? That he had repeated Jackson’s words, that he had tried his best to keep in for years ?

_I’ve been out of place everywhere, all the time._

_I ran away and I ended up here. I wanted a break from all of it, from people’s eyes, can you really blame me ?_

_I’m not strong, Jinyoung. I’ve been fighting off blows my whole life and I can barely stand up on my feet anymore._

Jackson lowered his head.

‘’I mean…’’ Jaebeom continued. ‘’You really took what Jinyoung said to heart from what he told me, he was pretty distressed about it, asked me what he should do. And I don’t believe you would hide so many things from everyone if something didn’t happen. So. Will you tell me ? Who are you running away from ?’’

_It must be lonely to run on your own_.

‘’Jinyoung’s just not the first person I meet who tried to hurt me the way he did.’’ Jackson mumbled, looking into the void. ‘’I just got tired of them winning all the time.’’

Jaebeom didn’t say anything for a while, but Jackson still didn’t turn towards him.

‘’What’s the thing that decides who wins in a fencing match ?’’

Jackson frowned.

Jaebeom’s face was unreadable.

‘’Whoever manages to hit the other player more times, I guess.’’ Jackson replied

‘’So you’re the best at that ?’’

Jackson gave him an exasperated look from the corner of his eyes.

‘’Are you gonna say it’s ironic that I get beaten by everyone outside of fencing ?’’

‘’No. I’m saying that you apply the same rules to life. But life has no rules, sports only do because it would be pointless otherwise.’’

Jackson stared at his friend, as if the keys to decipher his words were somehow contained in his facial features.

‘’Who says they won ?’’ Jaebeom insisted. ‘’Who says they beat you ?’’

‘’The fact that I feel like shit ?’’

‘’Yeah. That’s normal. But when you win at fencing, you get to keep a medal, right ? What did they get then ?’’

Jackson blinked.

Jaebeom scooted closer and put his hand on Jackson’s shoulder, looking at him straight in the eyes with an intensity that Jackson would not have been able to run away from.

‘’Let me tell you. A short, temporary feeling of satisfaction and then they went back to try to find ways to fill whatever frustration’s leaving a hole in their lives, that they’ll have to deal with for a very long time. It doesn’t make _you_ feel any better, but no one wins in this. It’s just an endless cycle of destruction and self-destruction until someone wakes up.’’

Jackson bit his lip.

He _was_ stuck in a cycle.

There was no other word for it.

Jinyoung was only the latest iteration of a problem that had been following him for over ten years.

‘’I know Jinyoung.’’ Jaebeom continued, not letting Jackson finish his thought. ‘’I know what he’s been through. I’m not excusing him, but I really want you to hear that he didn’t do that for fun. He doesn’t know what you’ve been through, but I’m convinced that if he did, he would have asked to be your friend instead.’’

Jackson scoffed.

‘’He should have thought about that before.’’

‘’Well, you could have thought about it too.’’

Jackson rolled his eyes.

He had been the one under attack, could he really be blamed for fighting back instead of extending the olive branch ?

‘’Just know this.’’ Jaebeom added, shaking Jackson’s shoulder so he would look at him again. ‘’I’m not gonna choose between you two. Jinyoung is my favourite idiot in the world, and you’re my favourite overachieving little brother. I’m not letting you go. If you don’t want to see him, I understand, but I refuse to give you up as my friend.’’

Jackson bit the inside of his mouth to stop his smile from spreading all over his face.

_Don’t get lost chasing a number one when you have so many people around you you’re putting down in your rankings_.

Well. He wasn’t Jaebeom’s best friend, but maybe Bambam hadn’t been too far from the truth. Now that he was leaving again, he should be content with just being someone they wanted around them.

It didn’t exactly make Jackson feel any better about the fact that he had to start his process to drop out of university.

The first step was to call his parents.

He had decided to do it while he was on campus. If he did it in an isolated place, or worse at his dorm, he would be feel too safe to let the emotions out, and the training centre entailed a bit too many curious bystanders. So campus was his best option, the fact that there were people around would force him to keep his composure and a cool head, but no one actually paid that much attention to what was going on with him either.

He walked out of class and found a hallway of Building C that didn’t have too much traffic, in front of the emergency exit.

He took out his phone and took a deep breath.

One thing he had forgotten was that the emergency exit hallway was the one people always confused with the bathroom hallway, since the doors were identical and if you were in a rush it was easy to go for the wrong one.

He looked up when he heard the sound of the heavy door being pushed by the strength of a body colliding against it, then froze.

It was Jinyoung.

Jinyoung also stopped dead in his tracks when his eyes landed on Jackson’s figure, retreated in the dark part of the corridor. His eyes probably looked dull and tired, and his face had to betray how he felt about the call he was supposed to make.

Jinyoung’s face also betrayed him.

Jackson didn’t know exactly what his classmate thinking, but he saw the way his eyes fell to the ground as soon as he realised Jackson had spotted him too.

Jinyoung closed the door behind him and rested his back against it.

‘’Jaebeom told me you two spoke.’’ he said, his voice barely above a mutter

Jackson rolled his eyes. Were they always going to communicate through ‘’I heard’’s and ‘’he told me’’s ?

‘’Are you okay with seeing my face again ?’’

‘’Jaebeom said he wanted me to stay as his friend.’’ Jackson retorted. ‘’Can you live with that ?’’

Not really wanting to hear the answer to his question, he turned around and pushed the door of the emergency exit.

‘’Jackson !’’

He stopped and looked back at Jinyoung.

His classmate gave him a small, humourless smile.

‘’See. People do stop other people before they walk out.’’

It took Jackson a second to understand what that meant. And when his brain connected to their conversation on the bar terrace before the break, Jackson barked out a disbelieving laugh.

‘’Just you, cause you’re a dramatic asshole.’’

Jinyoung laughed briefly too, but it sounded slightly off and did nothing to ease the cold that was settling in the distance that separated them.

‘’Can I walk out now or did you want to do more than just prove a point ?’’

Jinyoung didn’t answer for a moment, and Jackson moved to push the door again. His classmate seemed to realise it, because he took a quick step forward.

‘’I can live with it.’’ he called after Jackson

Jackson stared at him.

Was that an apology ?

It wasn’t, right ?

Jinyoung’s face looked tense and drawn, and he wasn’t looking at Jackson in the eyes.

That’s how Jackson notice the flame wasn’t flickering.

There were just embers.

He pushed the door of the emergency exit and walked outside.

The cold air hit his face, slapping him back to reality.

He was really doing this.

After trying his best to fit everything into his schedule, to always be on track, he had to give up.

He sat down on the first step of the emergency staircase and took out his phone. The ground was so cold that his body was shaken by a violent shiver.

He opened his contacts, with fingers numb from the icy wind.

The dial tone rang hollow into his ear. His heart was pounding hard in his chest.

‘’Hello ?’’

Hearing his mother’s voice made Jackson’s throat tighten.

‘’Mom…’’ he said without preamble. ‘’Song talked to the people from the team. I can’t keep training with him.’’

There was a moment of silence, and then the sound of a door closing. Jackson had probably caught her at work.

‘’How long do you have to find a new coach ?’’ she asked, keeping her voice low

‘’It’s already decided. It’s Hua.’’

‘’Hua ? Your dad’s friend ? Didn’t he move to Beijing three years ago ?’’

‘’Yeah. I have to transfer there.’’

There was another silence on the other side of the line. Jackson folded against himself, holding his knees close to his chest, and resting his forehead on them.

‘’What about school ?’’ his mother spoke again

‘’They’re not giving me a choice.’’

His mother took some time to reply, once more, and Jackson was ready to hear her sigh.

But she didn’t.

‘’Don’t do anything.’’ she told him firmly. ‘’I’ll talk to your dad. Let’s call tonight, after dinner, alright ?’’

‘’Mom…’’

‘’What, baby ?’’

Jackson swallowed the sour taste in his mouth, rubbing his head against his knees as if to shake himself up from the numbness that was creeping in his muscles.

‘’Will it be okay ?’’ his voice was barely above a whisper. ‘’Even if I have to drop out and go back to Beijing, will it be okay ?’’

‘’Oh baby…’’

It was the same tone of voice, the same words that she had used when little Jackson was crying in her arms. But Jackson was only embraced by the cold wind that wrapped around his body.

‘’We’ll do everything we can, I promise you. We’ll make sure you end up with the best possible outcome, okay ?’’

A hot tear rolled down his cheek. He quickly wiped it away.

He wanted his mother here…

‘’Okay.’’ he mumbled

‘’I’ll call you at dinner. Hang in there.’’

And then, the only sound that rang in Jackson’s ears was the beep indicating that the call had disconnected.

Jackson remained with his knees to his chest, wrapped around himself, for a while. He started rocking himself back and forth, then slowly swaying side to side, until he let his body fall down.

He was lying down on the stairs.

It was cold and uncomfortable, but Jackson didn’t feel any spark, any electricity in his muscles.

He closed his eyes.

The best possible outcome… What if there was no good option, and the better outcome was just the lesser of two unsatisfying choices ?

Why was it so hard for him ?

Song was right, he wanted to compete in the Olympics, he should be ready to make any choices he needed to get there. He shouldn’t let anything hold him back.

Yet here he was.

The sound of the heavy emergency door being opened, and then silence, made Jackson freeze.

_Oh no_.

‘’I’ll go get Mark.’’

Jackson held out his arm, as if he could grab Jinyoung before he left, even though he was far from him.

‘’No don’t get Mark.’’ he whined. ‘’He’s at the training centre, he has a big evaluation day.’’

‘’Youngjae then ? Jaebeom ?’’

Jackson wanted to make a joke along the lines of ‘’so you’re fine with him being my friend now ?’’ but decided to shut up.

‘’No. Don’t get anyone.’’ he said instead

He didn’t need to look at Jinyoung to hear the roll of his eyes in his voice.

‘’Ah. Of course. You’re fine on your own.’’

Jackson opened his eyes and saw Jinyoung was already turning around and pushing the door to walk away.

‘’Actually.’’ Jackson had no idea why he was replying but his mouth was moving on its own like it always did when he was around his classmate. ‘’I’m not fine. And I’m not sure being alone will help with that.’’

Jinyoung whipped around, muscles tense and eyes wide.

He closed the door and faced Jackson’s direction, but did not take a step forward.

Jackson let out a dry laugh.

‘’I should have never come here. You’re the only one who’ll agree on that.’’

He pushed himself up to be in sitting position.

‘’Now I have to deal with the regrets too.’’

‘’Is this about you leaving ?’’ Jinyoung asked suddenly

‘’Yeah.’’ Jackson’s voice sounded so foreign to him now, with the bitterness in his mouth. ‘’And I’m not even leaving to go back home, they’re transferring me to Beijing and I hate it. I don’t care that it’s one of the biggest cities in the world, all I see is the bad memories I have from them.’’

He was freewheeling at this point. It didn’t matter that it was Jinyoung there, someone who wasn’t even his friend.

Or maybe it was _because_ Jinyoung was here, and not his friends.

He was familiar with these eyes, he didn’t fear seeing them change. It was comfortable in a way. He didn’t care about seeing the pain in them. He didn’t have to weigh his words to make sure he would spare him some heartbreak. Telling Jinyoung what was on his mind was not so much a confession, as a concession. He didn’t have to walk on glass shards around him, because he could always perceive the emotions coming from him as if they were his own.

‘’Is there a chance you wouldn’t be as good as you are now if you didn’t come here ? I mean, you came here to train, right ?’’

Jinyoung’s question was unexpected. Probably because their default mode of communication was veiled threats and carefully aimed insults.

But it was a really good question.

‘’Yeah.’’ Jackson realised out loud. ‘’You’re right. I’ve never played as well as I have these past few months.’’

Jackson threw his head back, and the movement made him fall back against the wall again.

‘’But I don’t owe it to my coach.’’ he added. ‘’I owe it to Mark and the fucking dance team.’’

_Jackson Wang. He’s one of the only fencers these days I see who plays with that level of agility. He almost looks like he’s dancing and I think that’s a rare quality that could bring him really far._

In the words of Sheng Xiaoshuai, one of the top fencers of the last decade in China.

But Jackson actually saw it a different way. It was that video call before his competition, and his conversation with Mark before the last selection round. It was the monster wave of energy that had filled him in those moments.

‘’What am I going to do without them now ?’’ he didn’t mean for his voice to sound so distraught but Jinyoung had already seen him on the floor so how much lower could he sink

‘’You’re still a good fencer after all that.’’ Jinyoung said with no bite, no fire or no ice. ‘’That’s not lost.’’

Jackson did not reply that he couldn’t know, since he hadn’t seen him play. He didn’t know whether that was true, to be perfectly honest.

‘’But what if I can never recover the energy they gave me ?’’ Jackson was freewheeling again. ‘’I’m not talking about the skills I learnt through dancing, I’m talking about my friends.’’

‘’They’re still here too.’’

‘’But what if the distance makes us grow apart ? What if it gets lonelier now that I know what it’s like to be surrounded by people who care about you as much as you care about them ?’’

Jackson expected another reply along the lines of _sounds like something you should say to a professional, not to me_ but it never came.

If Jackson was frank, he had no idea why Jinyoung was still here, or why he was even indulging Jackson’s rambling. He also couldn’t fathom why he was still talking and why his words were drifting deeper and deeper into vulnerable territory.

It felt dangerously too safe, without the alarms switching on and flashing red.

‘’You think your state of mind might kill your performance ?’’ Jinyoung guessed

Jackson hummed.

It was exactly right.

A small, sour laugh escaped his lips.

‘’My goal has always been to be an Olympian fencer.’’ he admitted, playing with the strings of his jacket. ‘’But the only thing I’ve ever _yearned_ for was a true friend.’’

Did Jinyoung, someone who wasn’t his friend, need to know that about Jackson ? Absolutely not.

Jackson was alone, with no one else to talk to right now, no one whose eyes he could face.

But Jinyoung had stayed so far.

Was Jackson somehow hoping that Jinyoung would show so much enthusiasm at the idea of him leaving that it would persuade him too that everyone would be better off ?

That wasn’t working obviously.

He finally looked up at his classmate, who was still standing a few steps away from the door.

‘’At least now you see it.’’ he snorted. ‘’The only moments I ever had a chance to win are in fencing. I was losing against you.’’

Jinyoung’s face blanched.

‘’I should not have said that.’’ he mumbled, his gaze falling to the ground

Jackson shook his head.

‘’You were right though. I _am_ a fraud and I _am_ pretentious, just like you said.’’

Jinyoung’s face turned and their eyes met again.

The embers were burning brighter now, but somehow it didn’t feel as threatening as it used to be. Maybe because Jackson had seen the wick catch fire already, he knew what he was working against.

Jinyoung let out a slow sigh, then took a few steps closer and let himself crouch down a few steps above the one Jackson was sitting on.

‘’I’m a fraud too.’’ he said, dropping his head. ‘’And a coward. I keep hiding behind someone and then complain when everyone underestimates me.’’

Jackson looked up.

He was not expecting the sudden confession.

But maybe he should have, after all he had been the one pouring out all the contents of his mind on his classmate, without asking if that was okay with him. It was only fair to return the favour.

‘’I’m a coward too.’’ he sighed. ‘’Otherwise I wouldn’t have tried to hide so much just so people wouldn’t throw me out right away.’’

Jinyoung met his eyes. He frowned a bit, as if he was scanning Jackson’s face in close details.

‘’So the confidence, and the jokes, and the loudness… That was an act ?’’

Jackson’s eyes widened.

‘’I thought you knew. You said you didn’t buy it.’’

Jinyoung’s eyes looked lost, like those of a deer who had just emerged from the woods and found itself in an asphalt desert for the first time.

‘’Yes.’’ he answered. ‘’But I thought you were lying to dupe us and trick us, not because you were scared we wouldn’t want you as a friend.’’

Now that he was looking at Jinyoung more closely, there was nothing so cold about his face. A little sad maybe, or at least a little scared, vulnerable.

His fire was still there, and Jackson could feel its heat again as Jinyoung sat down one more step, closer to him. This time —again, maybe because Jackson had already been burned— it didn’t feel so suffocating.

‘’I don’t blame you.’’ he said, patting Jinyoung’s knee briefly for no other reason than to ensure that his classmate was actually sitting next to him. ’’Jaebeom mentioned something about people not being there for him, it’s normal that you’d want to protect him.’’

Jinyoung snorted.

‘’You make it sound so noble when it was actually selfish.’’

The shadow of a smile stretched over Jackson’s lips. He sat upright again and let his back fall against the wall railing of the stairs, facing Jinyoung instead of showing him the side of his head.

‘’Well.’’ he joked feebly. ‘’I guess we’re two pretentious, selfish idiots who could have just have had a conversation.’’

Jinyoung smiled at that too, and Jackson had to admit his smile had a warmth to it that was quite a contrast to what he was used to from him.

They stayed in silence for a few minutes, before Jinyoung poked Jackson’s shoulder.

‘’You’re not pretentious by the way.’’ he said, still smiling but with sad eyes. ‘’It’s just me wishing I could be confident about the things I do and the things I like without feeling like I’m showing too much pride. Like I don’t deserve to be confident about them.’’

Jackson hummed, and let his legs slide down in front of him, as if he was letting the shield in front of his chest fall down.

‘’I’m gonna have to borrow from Mark here.’’ he laughed. ‘’When I told him something similar, he said _I’m pretty sure you’re allowed to be pretentious_.’’

He looked into Jinyoung’s eyes and let the warmth from the memory spread colour onto his face and a smile onto his lips.

‘’So, Park Jinyoung, I’m pretty sure you’re allowed to show pride. If you’re not proud about the things you do, you’ll just let people walk over your achievements.’’

Jinyoung remained still for a moment, before being shaken by sudden laughter.

‘’This is surreal.’’ he breathed out

‘’What ?’’

‘’In a way, you were exactly like that root note. I didn’t read you wrong, just slightly off.’’

Jackson felt a pang in his chest at those words.

‘’You remember that.’’

Jinyoung hummed, resting his head against the wall and giving Jackson a weak smile.

‘’We tend to remember the things that hurt, don’t we ?’’

‘’I’m sorry.’’

Somehow, the words had a weight that made them resound loudly in the quiet atmosphere.

And somehow, after letting that weight out, Jackson felt like he could breathe pure, unpolluted air for the first time. It was like a slap in the face, in the coldest possible way, like his eyes had snapped open only to find he could see new colours in the world that were hidden from him before.

‘’It’s a fair game.’’ Jinyoung argued. ‘’I think I have bigger things to apologise for.’’

‘’It doesn’t make it okay.’’ Jackson shook his head. ‘’Especially since I intentionally said that to hurt you, because you looked like you felt bad about reading it wrong.’’

For a few seconds, Jinyoung’s features did not move. He kept staring at Jackson with no hostility, not like was examining every angle of his face anymore, and more like he was simply looking at him.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ he finally said, softly

There was a beat, and in that fraction of time, it was as if their connected gazes were the only thing holding the world around them together.

Jinyoung’s hand moved, and came to rest on Jackson’s ankle, that was laying right next to Jinyoung’s foot.

In the furthest distance, thunder struck.

Jinyoung’s gaze softened.

‘’For reading you wrong.’’

‘’Be honest with me. Am I good at music ?’’

Youngjae looked at him with wide eyes.

‘’That came out of nowhere…’’ he chuckled, obviously confused

Jackson slouched down the chair. They had been working on their assignment for only fifteen minutes now, but Jackson’s mind kept drifting. To the conversation he had with his mother, to the one he was going to have with his parents that evening…

And yes. Also to the conversation he just had with Jinyoung.

Jinyoung who was sitting at the table next to theirs, the lower half of his face buried in his sweater, scrolling through his phone while he waited for Jaebeom to be back with something —Jackson hadn’t quite understood what it was, but he wasn’t paired up with them so it didn’t matter.

‘’Are you wondering if it’s worth keeping this major next year ?’’ Youngjae asked

‘’No.’’ Jackson mumbled

He let out a big sigh.

‘’I’m just wondering if I have my place here.’’

Youngjae eyed him for a moment. Jackson pouted to himself.

Would he have regrets if he dropped out ? Would he be missed, not out of personal appreciation for his character but for his contribution to the work needing to be completed ?

‘’Honestly, I don’t know if I can be a good judge, I’m learning just like you.’’ Youngjae answered the initial question. ‘’But I like what you do.’’

Jackson hummed.

He had not really taken any time to really assess himself, or his own work since starting university classes. He had been too focused on his fencing, and in trying to make it through every day without running too often to the dictionary. He was definitely having fun, both during theoretical classes and during workshops, and he liked to mess around with the software in a more or less deliberate way until he got something that sounded satisfying to his ears. He had even caught himself listening to his own exercises when he was working on other things.

But would it be a loss if he dropped out ? Or was there really nothing tying him down to Seoul he could ask people to consider ?

‘’Why are you thinking about these things ?’’ Youngjae asked again, softly

Jackson looked up at him.

He bit his lip.

He was about to open his mouth to answer when he felt a sharp pain in his leg.

‘’Ow !’’ he exclaimed, whipping around to find Jinyoung standing next to him with a flashy grin on his lips

The asshole had kicked him.

‘’Don’t listen to him, Youngjae.’’ Jinyoung said, his voice full of a concerning amount of sweetness for Jackson’s taste. ‘’Jackson is an idiot, he’s just brooding. Are you guys doing well so far ?’’

Jackson sent him a bewildered look. Jinyoung replied with an innocent smile.

Youngjae pushed the sheet music closer to the middle of the table, so Jinyoung could see.

‘’We’re kind of stuck.’’ he whined. ‘’It doesn’t help that Jackson keeps thinking about others things.’’

‘’Hey.’’ Jackson protested, crossing his arms on his chest

Jinyoung laughed at him, and patted his head.

That was weird.

But Jackson did not complain.

‘’This is espionage.’’ he pointed out to his two classmates. ‘’He’s working with JB, we shouldn’t show him our work.’’

Youngjae laughed, Jinyoung gave him a light punch on the arm.

‘’What are you doing ?’’ Jackson whispered at Jinyoung when Youngjae got up to throw a paper in the trash

‘’Don’t tell him yet.’’ Jinyoung said, in the same tone of voice. ‘’Trust me.’’

Jackson wanted to say he had no reasons to trust him, but Jaebeom joined them at that moment. The latter’s face filled with confusion when he saw the two of them, Jinyoung with his hand on Jackson’s shoulder, very obviously having a conversation that wasn’t meant to be heard by anyone else.

‘’There are strange things happening in the world today.’’ he muttered to himself, before sitting down at the table to get to work

So Jackson ended up not telling Youngjae.

It was making him restless, but he would have to wait for Jinyoung to explain himself further.

It didn’t happen that day, Jackson left for dance practice and then went back to his dorm with Mark. He didn’t even stop to apologise to Fei for cutting their conversation short the other day. He would have to do that before leaving.

Especially since he would have to go to Beijing, he might need to ask her to help him figure out some details about moving around the city that he hadn’t navigated since he left elementary school.

After dinner, he sat down on the couch, next to Mark.

He took a deep breath.

Mark gave him a pat in the back.

‘’I’m here to rescue you if it goes south, you know that ?’’

Jackson nodded slowly.

The phone buzzed on the table in front of the table. Jackson picked up, activating the speaker.

‘’Hello ?’’ he breathed out

‘’Hello, baby. I forgot to ask earlier, how long do you have before transferring ?’’ his mother asked

There was a lot of noise in the background. Jackson guessed that with the timezone difference, they hadn’t had dinner yet and his father was cooking.

‘’I don’t know. Song didn’t give me the time frame yet, but probably about a month total with the planning and moving.’’

‘’Will they take care of your accommodation or do we have to figure that out ?’’

‘’I don’t know, Song just dumped the information on me and didn’t give me any details.’’

‘’What a—‘’ the sounds became muffled, probably because his mother turned around to speak to his father and the microphone stopped picking up her voice as clearly. ‘’You should talk to him.’’

‘’—think I can do much to persuade him.’’ his father’s voice also came within hearing range. ‘’Even Yaojun will probably tell me the same thing.’’

‘’Jackson ! Don’t you think that now is not the moment to drop out of your studies ? Your father disagrees, but it’s really the most unsure time, anything could happen right now, you can’t take away your safety net.’’

‘’You’re the one who always told him he’s not a machine ! He can’t possibly handle two things that intense at the same time, his body won’t take it.’’

Mark frowned and showed Jackson the number three with his fingers.

Jackson grimaced.

‘’You didn’t tell them about the dance team ?’’ his roommate mouthed, eyes widened

Jackson shook his head.

‘’We can’t only think about the present, we have to consider the long term. There’s no sure plan after World Championships.’’ his mother argued

‘’Jackson.’’ his father called out. ‘’What do you want ? Do you even want to keep going to university ? You didn’t even want to go in the first place.’’

Jackson took a deep breath.

‘’Honestly ?’’

He had been asking himself that question ever since he had put one foot on campus on his first day. The answer had changed several times over the course of the months he had spent in Korea, but now he wasn’t so sure anymore.

He glanced at Mark. The older gave him an encouraging nod, but Jackson could see the dull shine in his eyes.

He was saying it was okay to leave, even though the idea of it filled him with a form of sadness, he was telling Jackson to not make the decision based on other people’s feelings.

Or maybe Jackson was projecting his own thoughts onto his roommate’s eyes, but he did ask Mark to become the voice of his conscience so both could also be true.

Argh.

It was giving him a headache.

‘’Yeah.’’ he finally answered. ‘’Honestly, if I could have it any way I wanted, I would keep doing both. But I know that’s not a card on the table. So I’m gonna have to figure out the plane tickets and the accommodation, and then I’ll drop out when everything is all scheduled and confirmed.’’

His parents missed a beat, and if Jackson could have seen their faces he knew their features would have dropped and their eyes would have filled with that painful look he had tried everything to never see again as a child. He didn’t want their hearts to break for him.

‘’Hua is a great fencer.’’ his father told him in a small voice, that Jackson could hear he was trying to make as reassuring as possible. ‘’And I trust him with everything, I know you’ll be in good hands and you won’t have to worry about anything.’’

Jackson hummed.

That wasn’t his concern, he knew his father’s friend from his childhood days and also from watching a lot of fencing on television both as study material and for his own enjoyment.

‘’There has to be a way.’’ his mother protested. ‘’He wants to do both things. We can be provident and start planning everything but we shouldn’t give up on finding a solution that makes him happier.’’

‘’It’s the life of an Olympian fencer. If things go wrong, he can still go back to university later in his life, there’s no deadline for that. When he—’’

‘’Mom’s right.’’ Jackson interrupted, straightening up suddenly and looking back at Mark. ‘’I probably have at least one to three days before Song gives me the time frame for the transfer. I can try asking around.’’

Mark nodded frenetically, giving him a thumbs up.

‘’Let’s say two days.’’ his father sighed after a moment of hesitation. ‘’If you don’t find anything in two days, we’ll call again and start planning your move to Beijing.’’

When the call ended, Jackson let his head fall against Mark’s shoulder.

The older patted his head.

Two days…

Jackson’s chances were slim, but at least he would lose by being defeated, and not by declaring forfeit.

There was one thing ringing through his head incessantly.

He was going to Beijing. It was the most likely outcome.

But he still had so many loose ends to tie back together before leaving Korea.

He was racing against the clock now.


	6. Part Three (Outro)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We should never rely on miracles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter made me cry while writing it and also while proofreading.
> 
> This is the end ! I loved every second of writing it, even though I wasn't too sure where I was going to take this for the first 30k words. This was inspired by a lot of thoughts I've had this year, and the conclusion reflects the point I've reached at the end of all of it.

**(Part Three — Outro)**

Two days, that was it.

Jackson had two days to find an alternative or on the third, he would have to start packing his bags and prepare the details of his transfer.

Where would he live ?

Beijing was more than a big city, it was immense. It was more than two times bigger than Seoul. And Jackson didn’t know anyone there.

Gao Dahai was now his teammate but he was still his rival. After all the World Championships lineup was not the same one for the Olympics, they still had to outdo one another, or at least to be equally good to qualify together.

The same way that Jackson’s father had made his only friends through his fencing career, Gao Dahai was the number one candidate to be one of Jackson’s acquaintances on the longest term. Not living in the same country explained in part why they had never had the occasion to talk without their full gear on, to get to know each other as people with similar dreams —the other thing that explained it, was that Dahai valuing Jackson as his equal was a recent development.

Sometimes rivalry and one party defeating the other was a basis for a friendship, if the most important outcome of the fight was earned respect on both sides. Jackson just wasn’t sure he had reached that point with Gahai, nevertheless he was going to see him a lot more often from now on if they were to share a coach and a training centre.

Apart from him, Jackson did know two other people in Beijing but he wasn’t planning on making his return known to them —at least if he could avoid it, he might have a mole working against him.

Those two were Liu Eugene and Chang Liwei, of course.

Now that Jackson knew that these two were still somewhat friends, ten years after the events that tied all of them together, he had even more reasons to stay as far away as he could.

Jackson had never kept any friend that long… It was probably also why Eugene chose Liwei. They had to have something unmatched, a bond that Jackson could never aspire to emulate.

With anyone for that matter.

After all… Jackson was no one’s best friend.

Much less someone’s long time close friend.

There was one problem about his last race against the clock however…

Two days when you’re balancing university classes, a dance team working hard to prepare an official performance and regular fencing training —although Jackson was practicing mostly on his own nowadays, Song seemed to already have started detaching himself from influencing him…— was a challenge in itself.

Two days meant only a few good thinking and planning hours, only a few hours to actively run after ideas and solutions.

Jackson had time against him, but also the wheels of fateful irony.

One full day had already passed and so far they were grasping at particles of air.

They —as in him, Mark, Bambam and Yugyeom— had laid out all the possibilities that popped into their minds on the floor of the gym, and of their dorm.

"You could search for a coach here in Seoul who doesn’t train a national team athlete already."

Mark’s idea was the most obvious.

But every thought had to turn into concrete steps, otherwise Jackson would be wasting his precious two days.

The concrete step was asking Coach Song for a recommendation.

Jackson had run after him early in the morning, after completing his jog and workout before his first class. His coach was walking to his office, scrolling through his phone —it was the news, Jackson didn’t feel bad for interrupting.

"Sir !" he called

Song turned around and gave him a large smile.

"Jackson !" he said, coming to halt. "What’s the matter ?"

Did Jackson expect it to go well ?

Honestly ?

No.

But he did hope for the best.

After all, his coach had made it clear from the very beginning that he disagreed with Jackson’s parents when they wanted their son to work on two fronts simultaneously. And he had never concealed his feelings about Jackson giving more than one thing the same amount of effort and attention.

But he couldn’t really say that Song had ever refused to help him, _exactly_.

"He said it’s useless…" Jackson groaned, falling onto the seat next to Mark’s in the bus. "He said that not only would I have to find someone who’s willing to take on a player from a foreign team, which is not easy, but I’d also have to get the approval from Yong and the others."

Mark let out a deep sigh.

"Onto the next idea then."

The next idea was Yugyeom’s.

"If you can’t get a recommendation, can’t you look for someone yourself ?" he suggested. "Even in the Chinese coaches, is there no one who doesn’t train national team athletes and would jump at the opportunity if you asked them ? Even if it means they have to come to Korea."

Jackson didn’t believe in this idea too much. After all, he couldn’t imagine someone who had a team under their wing for a long time just dropping their players on the whim of an up-and-comer who wasn’t in the top five of the country yet.

But still. He only had two days, he couldn’t afford to act picky with his options.

So he sent a message to his father before his lunch break, asking for the names of every coach he knew in China who didn’t train national team athletes, and who would be willing to move to Korea for him possibly.

His father’s answers was unsurprising and yet Jackson still received it like a punch to the glass wall of his last hopes.

_There are more coaches out there who don’t train fencers in the national team than ones who do but if you want someone who is actually good, you better not look at anyone who has a disposable team_.

It wasn’t advice Jackson could argue against.

So they moved on to Bambam’s idea.

"Can you make them stall ?" he huffed while they walked to the gym for dance practice. "If your coach has pretty much left you to train on your own terms, maybe you can find ideas to delay your departure as much as possible to have more time to look ?"

That was a dangerous plan.

Jackson would essentially be playing a game of cat and mouse with the entire national team of China. On his first year in the lineup.

That was a diplomatic and professional minefield.

Still, his friends launched into a brainstorming session, to find any excuse that could actually be worth delaying his transfer.

Nothing sounded strong enough.

Exams and semester assignments seemed optional in comparison to World Championships.

The dance team was not official enough to put weight on the decision scale.

It was a dead-end street.

The first day was coming to an end, and Jackson had not made any progress.

Since Song had pretty much left Jackson to fend for himself — _thank you very much, Jackson came to Korea for him and that was what he earned in the end ?_ — Jackson completed his practice twenty minutes early and headed for the bus stop.

He had been invited by Jaebeom to spend the evening at his dorm, with Jinyoung and Youngjae, to finish their two-team assignments and also have dinner together.

Jackson knew that meant he would probably finally have to tell Youngjae about his transfer, even though Jinyoung had stopped him before.

This was also one the last occasions he might ever have to spend time with his classmates this way. Not even a month earlier, he would have let out a sigh of relief at that idea.

Now, even if he was not friends with all three of them —Jinyoung and him had apologised to each other but they did not have any heart to heart conversation that would justify calling him a friend— they were his _group_.

He had decided to wait until both Jaebeom and Jinyoung were in the kitchen to pull Youngjae aside.

However, Jinyoung seemed to read his mind —or follow the constant glances Jackson sent to his assignment partner— because he put an arm in front of him to block him.

"I have to tell him, Jinyoung…" Jackson sighed, looking into his classmate’s eyes. "I can’t let him find out in the worst way and at the worst time."

"But what if it’s not too late ?" Jinyoung argued, the flame in his eyes burning hopelessly in the desert. "What if you don’t have to leave in the end ? Maybe he doesn’t need to get the false alarm that he might be losing one of his favourite people."

Jackson’s heart clenched painfully.

He put his hand on Jinyoung’s shoulder and shook his head.

"Jinyoung." he said, weighing his words as if they were fire on his tongue. "If I don’t have a solution by tomorrow night, I’m done. I’m leaving. There’s no false alarm, this is real. I have no other choice. I’d rather not let him find out when I’m about to get on the plane."

Jinyoung’s gaze fell to the ground.

Jackson couldn’t explain it, to be honest. They weren’t friends, they were on peaceful terms now. It was probably because they both cared about Youngjae and didn’t want to see the beaming smile on his face falter.

Jinyoung dropped his arm, nodded at Jackson and went back to the kitchen after giving him a tap on the shoulder.

Jackson took a deep breath.

Youngjae was on the couch, typing on his keyboard. They had divided the tasks in the assignment, they were sharing the computer for the evening so they could finish while they were both in the same place without Jackson running from schedule to schedule.

"Youngjae…" Jackson called, in a low voice

His friend’s head snapped up and he grinned.

"I’m almost done with this part, wait." he said

Jackson sat down on the floor, in front of the couch.

He bit his lip, making the words whirl in his head. Except Bambam, everyone had found out by channels other than Jackson making the official, measured announcement. Jinyoung was probably the worst. And Mark had known since the beginning.

His face must have betrayed the weight on his heart, because Youngjae stared at him.

"You look like you’re gonna tell me you’re a superhero who’s been saving people at night all over the world this whole time and you have a super-villain on your ass." he joked

Jackson laughed.

"Almost." he admitted

Youngjae’s eyes widened.

"Wait, I thought you were kidding when you said you came from a different galaxy ? Are you really Superman ?"

The way Jackson’s grin took over his face so easily made his heart break.

How could he say goodbye to Youngjae ?

Head hung low, Jackson let out a deep sigh.

"They’re telling me I can’t do everything at the same time anymore." he said. "Not the World Championships, university _and_ Korea. I have to choose."

Youngjae frowned.

"What do you mean choose ?"

Jackson bit his lip.

"It’s either World Championships or staying in Korea."

Youngjae stilled for a second, and his face took about thirteen different colours in the span of a few seconds as he processed the information.

"Huh ? You’re dropping out ?" he exclaimed, putting down the computer. "When ?"

Jackson shrugged.

"Before the end of the month probably. I need to sort out plane tickets and accommodation to transfer to Beijing."

Youngjae’s face contorted into an upset grimace.

"Is that permanent ?"

Jackson nodded.

"At least until World Championships are over, but more likely yes. If I leave I’m not coming back."

Youngjae didn’t say anything for a few moments. His mouth opened and closed, and his gaze drifted to the side as if he couldn’t even gather the words.

It made Jackson’s heart sink.

He had dreamed one day of being special to someone. But he shouldn’t have. Being special to someone meant breaking their hearts. Jackson had never wanted to break anyone’s heart.

If it meant never hurting anyone for the rest of his life, Jackson was determined to never make his way into someone’s heart again.

"But if you don’t drop out…" Youngjae finally spoke again, looking at Jackson with big eyes. "Does that mean you have to come back eventually ?"

Jackson narrowed his eyes.

"What ?"

"Can’t you ask to still be enrolled in university but take the classes from China ? I’ll send you the notes and do the assignments with you through video calls. Music makes you happy, you can’t give that up, right ?"

Jackson stalled for a second.

Was that an actual idea he should seek concrete actions for ?

Long distance learning was a thing. Maybe he could get both his degree and his World Championship title… That would be a workload, not more than being in university but it would require a lot more personal discipline. Jackson didn’t lack any of that.

That still meant he would have to leave his friends, but he had a reason to see them regularly for a little bit longer, at least virtually. That way, maybe they wouldn’t drift apart so fast.

It also meant that Jackson would probably have to come back. At least, if he managed to keep up the rhythm until he had a degree in his hands, he would have a reason to go back to Korea at least a couple time a year.

"I should look into it !" he grinned. "I’ll go see the dean tomorrow morning."

Youngjae beamed at him too. Jackson got up from the floor and joined him on the couch, throwing his arm around his friend’s shoulders to draw him close to him.

"As expected." he laughed. "Choi Youngjae, making sense of the world when I’m stuck in the dark."

Youngjae looked up at him, with the brightest smile.

"As expected. Jackson Wang, not afraid of taking on a challenge."

Except this time, the challenge had a clock that displayed only a few hours left.

So Jackson ran to the dean as soon as he jumped off the bus. He had woken up earlier and completed his workout before his usual time in order to catch the bus before his usual one.

Mark wasn’t with him, since his classes started later. However, his roommate had helped him prepare what he would say to the dean.

He was hoping the dean was too attached to Jackson’s status as a star athlete to let him go without at least finding a semblance of a solution.

Jackson only had this day left…

"That’s very unfortunate…" the dean commented when Jackson announced he was asked to transfer back to China. "We _do_ have a system for students to follow classes from a distance, it’s usually for emergencies, you know, when a student is hospitalised most of the time."

Jackson made his best pleading face, it wasn’t even a pretence at this point, this was his last hope.

"It would really break my heart to drop out of your university, Sir." he said. "The circumstances are exceptional but I have reliable people in my class, they’ll help me stay on track. It will be like I never left."

The dean nodded slowly.

"What about your dance team with Mr Tuan ?"

Jackson bit his lip.

He had spoken about that at length with Mark, in the weeks they had to prepare. They were pretty much set, but it didn’t make it easier on Jackson. He had made a promise at the beginning of the year, he hated that he was forced to break it.

Mark wasn’t on his own, he had Yugyeom —who would far more useful than Jackson when it came to being a co-captain— and Bambam.

But Jackson would miss it. There was no dance team in Beijing, even if he managed to keep his university classes from a distance, there would still be a gaping hole.

And dance had made him better, at least a little bit, right ?

If only that could be reason enough to stay… 

"Mark and I planned everything." Jackson assured. "The first competition is an online one, we just have to film a video and submit it. For the rest, they’ll recruit a replacement if they can, or they’ll continue without me."

The dean nodded again.

"Is there a guarantee that you might be back ? At least for exams ? Or next year."

Jackson shrugged.

"I have to see how World Championships go. But I hope so, yes."

The dean started typing on his computer.

"It would be a shame for you to drop out." he hummed. "You’re one of our most remarkable students."

Jackson had his doubts about that. He was just the only international sports champion on campus.

In the end, Jackson walked to his first class with a paper where all the steps to complete the changes in his inscription were written, detailing how he could access the status for following his lessons from China.

It would take him a few days probably, and he also had to organise with his classmates how they would handle the notes, group assignments and other topics they would have to stay in touch for.

As Jackson sat for his morning classes, between Youngjae and Jaebeom, he felt his heart grow heavier and heavier.

He looked at his friends’ faces.

There was a time in his life, only a few months —maybe even weeks— ago, when he would never have been able to imagine a situation where his heart would be tied to someone —much less several people— to the point that a choice that should have been easy, like transferring to Beijing to train for World Championship, would come to taste so bittersweet.

But they would move on, right ?

Was Jackson really someone that could dwell in people’s minds ?

Everyone he had met in his life had probably forgotten everything about him, his name, his face, all the moments they had shared. Jack, the brainless bunch, Jack’s girlfriend, Liwei, Eugene… Jackson was probably the only one who was still glued in the memories.

They would move on.

Jaebeom would go on with his dreams and forget he had ever asked Jackson about his.

Youngjae would share his joy with someone else.

Mark would get a new roommate to care for and take under his wing.

Bambam and Yugyeom had each other, they would soon get lost in their own world, forgetting they ever had a visitor from time to time.

And Jackson would still replay every single second of the time he had spent with each of them, for the rest of his life, until one day, maybe, his own presence would feel enough.

It would be impossible for him to erase any of the rush of warmth and happiness he had known thanks to his classmates and his dance teammates.

He was back to being alone, fending for himself, lonely as he was cursed to always be, but with the heavy luggage of having to miss that warmth every waking moment until he would finally break.

Would he get that chance again ?

Was this only a cruel trick of the wheels of irony to make sure he never wished for things he couldn’t keep ever again ?

Jackson’s breath felt short.

His cheeks were burning and his head was starting to spin.

He had to get out, he couldn’t breathe.

As soon as the teacher announced the class was over, Jackson ran.

He didn’t wait for his classmates, they had organised a study session at the library in the gap they had before their next class but Jackson had declined to go when they asked the day before. He had finished his project with Youngjae, and he didn’t want to spend time working on his solo assignment in a group. It would feel too… normal. Like Jackson wasn’t about to hop on the plane and leave all of them behind.

He was glad he had told them he had other plans —he didn’t— because right now, he needed to run.

Run as far as he could.

After all, he was familiar with running.

It was raining.

Heavily.

Jackson couldn’t see anything and his feet were slipping on the ground.

He ran all the way to the gym.

It was empty at this time of day, so he would be alone for as long as he needed to be.

He went straight for the basketball court, where they held the dance team practice sessions, threw his bag to the side and went to the farthest side of the room.

He let his body collapse to the floor, lying on his back with his limbs spread out and his eyes closed.

The ground was glacial.

Jackson needed the cold, he needed to forget the warmth, he needed to shed it away to the point where he wouldn’t even be able to miss it when he left.

He couldn’t allow himself to miss it…

Otherwise, he was afraid his heart would never mend from the break.

It might be his last chance to gather his emotions before they overtook him, and washed over him like the rumble of anger had the week before.

But he didn’t want to gather them… He wanted to miss every single degree of warmth and happiness, he wanted his heart to yearn for it, so maybe for once he would be running to rather than away from something ?

Could he really think that way ?

Was that the way an Olympian thought ?

Shouldn’t Jackson focus on his career, even if it meant sacrificing these moments of youth ? His father had done just that, he had been rather successful, would Jackson be even more successful if he kept that spirit ?

His father had made his friends through fencing, but they weren’t exactly friends in the definition Jackson longed for. They were people he shared things in common, but whom he rarely met with or spoke to outside of fencing-related events. Jackson’s father only had his family and his team in his daily life.

He had never complained about being lonely.

Was Jackson being selfish ? Was he being childish ?

And as the spiral of these thoughts kept sucking him in, Jackson almost didn’t hear the sound of the door opening and closing, and the footsteps coming from the hallway that turned into the squeaky sound of wet shoes soles against the wood of the basketball court.

"Observation : Jackson Wang is sprawled on the floor in an empty gym."

Jackson huffed, but let the corners of his lips lift up slightly despite how much energy it seemed to take from him.

"Hypothesis : the subject is trying to assess whether melting into a basketball court is a good option to run away from his problems."

"Running away from my problems is what got me in this situation in the first place." Jackson groaned. "So maybe this is life telling me to turn around and face them for once."

As if to emphasise his point, he opened his eyes and looked at Jinyoung, who was standing a few feet in front of the door.

Jackson frowned.

Jinyoung’s clothes were drenched, and his hair was sticking to his face. He also was only wearing a sweater, without his jacket. His features were drawn, tense. The flame in his eyes was there, burning bright, like a candle you find after feeling your way in the dark.

"Observation." Jackson said, looking back at the ceiling. "Park Jinyoung doesn’t have his bag with him. Also, his hair looks like he has just walked under the rain to get here."

There was a short silence, and Jackson could almost hear the way Jinyoung had grown tenser all of a sudden.

"Yeah. And what’s your hypothesis ?" his classmate replied, through his teeth

Jackson breathed in slowly, trying to rake his brain in search of the answer.

"Park Jinyoung came to get me my notes folder once, even though the one I texted about it was Youngjae." he reflected out loud

He felt his own frown grow deeper. If the ceiling was a living thing, it would probably shudder right now and ask what it had done wrong for Jackson to look at it this way.

"He also tends to to show up every time I’m on the floor or sprawled on a table before a big exam."

There were a few seconds of a silence before Jinyoung’s voice carried through the basketball court once again.

"Again." his voice still sounded tense and small. "What’s your hypothesis ?"

Jackson let his head drop the side, looking at Jinyoung. The latter had crossed his arms on his chest and was looking at him with eyes Jackson could recognise.

He was nervous.

"When did you change your mind ?" Jackson asked, softly but perhaps a bit suddenly because Jinyoung’s eyes grew wide

"What ?"

Jackson took a deep breath.

"Were you studying with the others in the library ?" he pressed on, not really answering to Jinyoung’s confusion

Jinyoung’s features fell a little bit, as realisation flashed in his eyes.

"… Yeah." he admitted

Jackson nodded.

"Did you leave your bag and your jacket there and said you’d be right back ?"

Now, Jinyoung didn’t look precisely nervous. The flame had shrunk, small and agitated like it was trying to withstand the attacks of a cold wind.

"… Yeah." he said again

Jackson held his gaze, despite being still far away from him and on the floor compared to Jinyoung’s height standing up.

"Did you come here because you wanted to find me ?"

It wasn’t a rhetoric question.

Jinyoung’s lips looked like a tight line.

"Yes."

Jackson’s eyes traveled around the gym.

"A week ago I would have reached a different conclusion." he sighed

He scanned over Jinyoung’s face.

He had never been good at spotting the signs, the foreshadowing, the red flags. That had been his fatal flaw in elementary school, that had led to the fateful question whose answer decided the course of Jackson’s life.

"Were you worried about me ?" he asked, finally, his voice barely louder than a whisper as if it was a forbidden question

Jinyoung’s body was shaken by a slight start, as if he had been shot by an arrow coming from nowhere.

A loud laugh tore through Jackson’s throat.

"Wow…" he breathed out, rolling back on his back with his eyes to the ceiling. "Park Jinyoung."

"What ?" the other countered. "I didn’t say anything."

Jackson smiled at him.

"Yeah. But your eyes speak for you."

That reply didn’t seem to please his classmate, judging by the way he scowled and rolled his eyes.

"And ? So what ?" Jinyoung’s tone was defensive. "You disappeared after bolting out of class and Youngjae said you had talked to the dean."

"So you ran under the rain even though you’re supposed to be working with Jaebeom and Youngjae to check up on me ?"

Again, Jackson was met with no answer.

He smiled softly.

"Thank you."

Jinyoung looked away and shook his head.

"I’m probably the last person you want to talk to right now."

Jackson laid his head back, closing his eyes.

"Actually." he hummed. "There’s a lot of people at the bottom of that list."

Despite the distance that separated them, half a basketball court apart, he did hear Jinyoung breathe in sharply.

"But you’re nowhere near one of them."

The silence that followed made Jackson open his eyes.

Jinyoung had uncrossed his arms, and was now sitting down where he was standing before, still far from Jackson but closer to his eye level.

"If you could have anyone here." Jinyoung asked, not meeting Jackson’s eyes. "Who would you want to talk to ?"

"Honestly ?" Jackson laughed, before drawing out a sigh. "My mom. She was the only one who ever could turn hopeless situations into opportunities to discover exciting new things."

His tone turned to a groan.

"I don’t see any ray of hope right now. I need a miracle or else I’ll just have to surrender."

"And you don’t like that idea…"

"I’m an athlete, what do you think ?"

Jinyoung was playing with the laces of his shoes, his gaze alternating between looking at Jackson and then looking at anything but him.

"Jinyoung." Jackson sighed

The other jumped a bit, his eyes wide and apprehensive.

"I can see your face. You can come closer."

Jinyoung hesitated for a second. Then, he scrambled to his feet and started walking towards Jackson, crossing the width of the basketball court in silence, his steps resonating softly against the wooden floor where Jackson’s head rested.

"You didn’t answer my question." Jackson blurted out as soon as his classmate started crouching to sit next to him

Jinyoung plopped to the ground with confused eyes.

"Which one ?"

"When did you change your mind ? About me ?"

Jinyoung’s shoulders dropped.

"Honestly ?" he hummed

Jackson nodded.

"It’s a multiple steps process."

"Like any good process."

That made Jinyoung smile, and Jackson saw some of the tension ease out of his muscles.

"You called me ‘quite talented’ one time." Jinyoung chuckled

"So you respond to flattery ? Interesting."

Jinyoung laughed, hiding his face from Jackson.

"Hey." he protested. "I’m not really a research subject."

"Everyone is a research subject."

Jinyoung put his hands behind his back and leaned back, with a heavy sigh.

"That’s the next step, actually." he continued, the amusement gone from his voice. "I think despite how scared I was of you, the scariest part was how drawn I was to the way you talk about the world."

Jackson closed his eyes again and smiled to himself.

"Is that why you always showed up here alone ? Just to talk to me ?"

"No. Don’t flatter yourself."

"Too late. I’m leaving soon, so let me enjoy my delusions in peace."

Silence fell again between them, but it wasn’t exactly tense this time. It felt more… mournful.

"The thing that really did it though…" Jinyoung spoke again, in a low, unassured voice

Jackson looked up at him.

Jinyoung had his eyes to the ground, and the look on his face matched the feeling of the silence.

"When you said that people made you feel out of place because of the way you spoke their language…" the words came out slow, heavy. "I felt like the most horrible person in the world, and I don’t really always have the kindest words for myself in the first place."

Jackson’s eyes widened.

"But you’ve never done anything like these people did." he argued, letting his arm slide down the floor until it touched Jinyoung’s foot

"Still. I hated the assholes who made _me_ feel bad about parts of myself back when I was in school but I hate even more the idea that I could have become just like them."

Jackson’s heart clenched.

_I know Jinyoung. I know what he’s been through. I’m not excusing him, but I really want you to hear that he didn’t do that for fun_.

Jackson had been harsh with his words, however truthful they were to him.

_You’ve had your fun, you’ve shredded the last piece of hope I had that this could be the place where I could belong for once, where I could start over and try to be happy. So thank you very much, you’ve taught me an important lesson, I’m incredibly grateful, but now I beg you, never show your face to me again_

But Jaebeom was right. He had thrown every word back at Jinyoung, he had dumped on him all the anger he never threw at Eugene, at the brainless bunch, at Jack, but not once had he stopped to weigh those words. And he didn’t even have the excuse of not knowing what that weight was, because Jinyoung had told him, in his own anger, as he also dumped on Jackson everything he wished he had said to somebody else.

_When I look at you, all I see is how much more you’ve achieved in the same amount of time where I’ve achieved nothing, and you remind me constantly of how much I’m lacking compared to someone who is only here because he’s running away and not because he wants to be_.

Jackson lifted the arm that was touching Jinyoung’s foot and put his hand on his classmate’s knee.

His heart was so heavy that Jackson felt as if he was about to sink into the floor.

And when Jinyoung looked up at him again, finally, that feeling grew ten times worse.

"I don’t want to see you leave…" Jinyoung pleaded, with a gleam in his eyes that Jackson couldn’t exactly name

The sudden, unexpected confession ran through Jackson’s body like a shockwave.

"It’s completely selfish, I know." Jinyoung added. "But I found out you weren’t staying at the same time that I realised I’ve been wasting months by being scared, and now I can’t even make up for it."

_You won. I’m leaving for China soon. I’ll probably never come back here. So you won._

Jackson closed his eyes, rubbing his face in an attempt to stop his hands from punching himself.

He had to do something in the future about his poor choice of words. Language barriers or not.

"Yeah." he laughed to himself. "You want me to stay so you can feel better about yourself."

"I told you it was selfish."

There was no bite in those words, no fire, no blizzard.

"Hey. I’ll take it." Jackson joked. "That means I’m special to you."

And he looked up at Jinyoung to punctuate his statement.

His classmate’s mouth opened and closed, and he blinked, dumbfounded.

"I… I can’t believe you said that." he muttered when a sound finally managed to come out of his mouth

Jackson snickered, slapping Jinyoung’s knee.

"That’s why you wouldn’t make a good detective, you should have found about my charming personality during your investigation."

Jinyoung rolled his eyes.

"I did find out. I was just scared of it."

Again. That was the second or third time he mentioned something like that, and Jackson couldn’t connect the pieces of the puzzle no matter how many combinations he tried.

But there was a strange spell about Park Jinyoung, a concerning one, that made Jackson want to speak his thoughts out loud even though he had always worried about the blizzards.

"This is the thing that makes no sense to me." he admitted. "I’m not scary. I’ve never made anyone afraid in my life, otherwise they wouldn’t have trampled me. I’m running away from things like it’s my job, how could you be scared of me ?"

"I think you’ve made a lot of people scared." Jinyoung argued, leaning back further until he was almost holding himself on his elbows. "And I’m filled to the brim with fragile dreams no one ever told me I could achieve, why wouldn’t I be at least intimidated by a literal international sports champion ?"

"Except you didn’t know that about me when we met."

"Please. It’s written on your face."

"How ?"

Jinyoung held his gaze, then bit his lip.

"The thing I got scared of when I first saw you…" he said, looking away from Jackson once again. "Was the fire."

Jackson almost bolted to his feet at that.

"Some people just have… I don’t know how to explain it any other way… fire in their eyes. When you look at them, you can tell. They have a goal, they have a reason to be where they are, they’re ready to face anything to get to the place they set for themselves. They draw in everyone around them like moths and there’s no way to fight back."

It felt like the lights had been switched off and the only shine in the room came from a white screen, where the reel of Jackson’s memories started playing as Jinyoung kept talking.

"Those people scare me because they constantly remind me that, no matter how much I want to… I’m not like them."

Jackson snorted.

Confusion painted over Jinyoung’s features but he finished his explanation with a weak smile.

"Attack is my defence, you know ?"

Jackson shook his head.

"You will never believe me."

"What ?"

"Do you know what’s the one thing that I told myself to watch out for when I first saw you ?"

Jinyoung looked lost.

It made Jackson grin.

He took his hand away from his classmate’s knee and pointed at his eyes.

"There’s a flame there. It flickers. Yeah, right there. It’s terrifying."

Jinyoung swatted Jackson’s hand away, but his cheeks turned red.

"Shut up." he mumbled. "You’re just using my words."

"Then sue me for plagiarism, but I can prove it. I thought I was going to get burned every time we butted heads. You’re a fire hazard."

And so was he apparently.

After all, a shooting star was a blazing rock. He had felt the fire inside of him, when he was competing at the height of his power, when the rumble awoke and made words roll out of his tongue.

Suddenly he understood.

Why the flame had felt so unfamiliar.

Jackson had always wished he could meet someone like him.

He had thought it could be Mark, at first, they were both athletes. But Mark was calm, wiseand straightforward where Jackson was chaos.

Bambam matched his energy, that chaos, but he had a peace of mind and a clarity of spirit Jackson couldn’t see in himself. And he didn’t have a heart as warm and wide as Yugyeom’s.

He had a dream, like Jaebeom, but wasn’t as focused and independent. And Youngjae made him believe in expressing his own joy, but he had none of the patience to go with it.

No, Jackson never had anyone he could understand without needing to observe and study them carefully for long periods of time.

He had never met anyone he could relate to.

Until Park Jinyoung.

"So we’re both fire…" he concluded his thought aloud

Unexpectedly, Jinyoung let his body lean back completely, until he was sprawled on the floor right next to Jackson, like symmetrical images.

"It’s colder than I thought." he commented with a hiss

"You get used to the cold after a while."

Jinyoung’s shoulder next to his felt warm though.

"I don’t have a good track record with friendships." Jackson said, out of the blue, but he felt like Jinyoung would understand the thread of his thoughts

"Really, you ?"

Jinyoung seemed to realise what he had said, because he scoffed to himself.

"Me neither."

Jackson smiled, turning his head towards him.

"Do you usually glare at people you meet for the first time and then accuse them of stealing from you ? That might be why."

Jinyoung let out an embarrassed groan, covering his face with his hands.

"Shut up." he whined

Jackson laughed.

Jinyoung sighed heavily, dropping his hands on his chest.

"Actually… I always wanted to have many friends. I just wasn’t someone people _kept_."

Jackson frowned, looking at Jinyoung more attentively.

"Kept ?"

"Is that a strange choice of words ?"

"You’re asking _me_ , someone who has no idea how Korean works ?"

Jinyoung rolled his eyes .

"Shut up. I swear." he warned. "We’ll speak when I can understand Mandarin."

"I’m not good at Mandarin either, but I can teach you some basics."

Jinyoung lifted himself up slightly and rolled over to cover Jackson’s mouth with his hands.

"Shut up. _Shutupshutupshutup_."

Jackson laughed when his classmate let him go and flopped back on the floor like a starfish.

"I meant that I’m someone people always get bored of." Jinyoung explained, his face filling with a sourness Jackson was all too familiar with himself. "I’m that friend you keep around because you need company, and then move on from once someone who’s actually interesting comes along."

Jackson bit his lips.

"Is that who you thought I was ?" he asked softly. "You thought Jaebeom would move on from you once he made new friends ?"

Jinyoung stared at the ceiling, as his only answer. But Jackson didn’t need words to understand him.

"Did you ever talk to him about it ?"

"Yeah." Jinyoung chuckled without any joy. "And he said it was ridiculous. But, you know… How can you believe it if you’ve heard it somewhere else ? You know… those people who swear you’re their best friend for life, and that they’ll go to the moon and back for you ?"

"No." Jackson answered without hesitating. "I don’t know. No one ever said anything like that to me."

He was surprised by his own confession, by the way words kept flowing out of his mouth without any inhibition, without any of the sirens switching on and blaring in his brain.

He had been wrong.

Dead wrong.

Jinyoung wasn’t a trap.

"But I can imagine." he added quickly. "You thought JB couldn’t possibly promise that he’d never leave you."

Jinyoung nodded slowly.

"Was there anyone before me ?" Jackson asked again, his eyes not leaving his classmate’s face

"A lot. I yielded without a fight, every time. But I just couldn’t do that again when I saw you."

"Why ?"

Jinyoung finally looked at him again, with eyes as clear as the morning sky.

Yeah. Jackson had been wrong…

"Because Jaebeom is the friend who stayed for the longest time. And because it’s you."

Jackson kept staring, waiting for him to explain.

"You." Jinyoung smiled sadly. "This guy on fire who’s unstoppable and just commands all the attention and has so many incredible stories to tell about places everyone else can only ever dream of seeing."

A short laugh escaped Jackson’s lips.

"That’s not a very accurate picture."

Jinyoung didn’t reply to that.

Silence fell over them.

Jackson’s heart felt tight.

"I was never trying to steal JB away from you, just so you know."

Somehow, those words felt like a key finally finding the right lock.

It was what he should have said from the beginning.

"I know." Jinyoung said

"I couldn’t have even if I wanted to. He cares about you too much."

Jinyoung fell silent one more time.

Jackson looked at him with pleading eyes.

"Please. Believe that."

Jinyoung didn’t say anything, but he moved his head until it knocked against Jackson’s. Jackson leaned back into the contact.

Jinyoung was never a trap.

He was a strong security door, but a safe one nonetheless. The safest one maybe. But they had both refused for months to look for the key.

And now it was too late. It was their last chance to tie all the loose ends.

"If it can put your mind at ease…" Jackson spoke up again. "I was not someone people wanted as a friend either. I was the foreign kid, or that lonely kid who swings a fake sword around."

Jinyoung smiled softly.

"I thought swords were cool ?"

Jackson returned his smile in kind.

"Not when they’re in my hands apparently."

"But why ? I mean… Me, I understand. People got bored of me because I don’t really bring anything to the table, but you ? You’re a fencing champion."

Jackson frowned, and lifted himself up, sitting down abruptly.

"What is this ?" he cried out. "A competition to see which one of us can land the best self-insult ? I liked it better when you were saying mean things to _me_ instead."

Jinyoung threw his head back, incredulous, and held his hand out as if to grab Jackson’s arm to drag him back to the floor.

"Why would you like that better ?" he whined

Part of Jackson understood it. It was the spell. The way Jackson’s words seemed to pour out, regardless of the consequences he could face, as if there had never been a safer place to let them out… Jinyoung had to be feeling the same way.

It still surprised Jackson.

Were they always this… in tune ?

"Because now I feel guilty for being mean to you." he told his classmate, trying to resist the attempts to make him lie back down. "Knowing the things you’re saying about yourself are the things I told you out of anger."

"It was there before you."

"Doesn’t make it better."

Jackson gave up, and let his body hit the ground again, knocking his head against Jinyoung’s as if their position had never changed in the first place.

"And being a fencing champion is not a reason for people to like someone." he muttered

"What do you wish people liked you for ?"

Jackson stilled.

What a question.

"Back then ?" he asked

"Yeah. Or now."

Jackson thought about it for a moment, switching on the reel of memories again.

"I guess…" he sighed. "Back then, I wish people didn’t need a reason. That they would just like me because they like me, you know ? Not because I spoke their language well enough for their standards. Not because I kept my mouth shut when I was around them."

Jinyoung leaned further into the touch of their heads, as if telling him it was safe to keep going.

Jackson’s heart warmed, as he continued.

"I used to think that if someone liked the same things as you, then they liked you too." he chuckled. "I found out pretty soon it wasn’t true."

As always, he always seemed to end up in the same place. That elementary school yard gravel pit.

"And now ?" Jinyoung asked again. "What should I like you for ?"

Jackson snorted.

"If you don’t like me, I don’t need to give you reasons to change your mind. I’m done with trying to do my own sales pitch."

Without disconnecting their heads, Jinyoung turned his face towards Jackson’s and gave him a small smile.

"You know…" his voice had a tone of wonder that somehow didn’t feel as out of place as Jackson would have thought a week ago. "I always thought I wanted people to like me because somehow I’m someone that makes their life better. Almost like…"

"…like they can’t imagine their life without you in it anymore ?" Jackson completed without thinking

Jinyoung’s smile grew wider.

"Yeah." Jackson added, finding a similar dream in his reel of memories. "Because you become a source of happiness and comfort they can’t find anywhere else."

Jinyoung nodded, and his smile didn’t fade like it had before.

"I don’t think like that anymore."

Jackson looked up at him curiously, and he felt the warmth from the flame just a few centimetres away from his own brush his face.

"The only person anyone needs is themselves, right ?" he carried on as Jackson nodded. "I want to be the friend that someone chose. That they don’t _need_ and who could walk out of their life and they’d be alright in the end, but who wants to walk their own road with you for a bit."

"An adventure companion." Jackson realised

And the reel stopped abruptly, once more, as if the wheels of irony had been trying to show him the same image since the beginning and he had never actually pressed pause to consider it.

That elementary school yard. The gravel pit. The pies of little stones under little Jackson’s fingers. The fateful words that escaped his lips. And Eugene’s round little face that had lit up like the night sky. The moment that changed the course of his life, more than any other one.

"I had an adventure companion a long time ago." he told Jinyoung, smiling softly to himself

And he had been running away from telling that story for as long as he could before people started catching up to him.

"How did that go ?" Jinyoung asked

"He chose someone who didn’t like adventures."

Jinyoung’s eyes widened, and became all that occupied Jackson’s field of vision. He couldn’t even see the flame anymore.

"Why ?" his voice sounded so sincerely lost that it made Jackson’s heart lighter

"I don’t know." he answered just as sincerely. "It has haunted me my whole life."

And there.

He had told the story.

"So you’ve never been on an adventure ever again ?"

Jinyoung’s eyes looked sad.

"No." Jackson admitted. "I thought they all had a bad ending."

And in that moment, Jackson realised he _missed_ it.

He missed not caring about whether he would be chosen as someone’s best friend or not.

He missed little Jackson and the joy he had to just run around, and make up exciting worlds he could navigate with a colourful spaceship.

He wanted to be him again.

"Is Jaebeom your adventure companion ?" he asked, looking intently as Jinyoung’s eyes as if he was racing against the clock to read all that they contained that he hadn’t been able to see because he had only focused on the flame

Jinyoung sighed and gave Jackson a pout.

"Most days I feel like I’m a stray he picked up on the way." he mumbled

Jackson gave him a soft nudge with his head.

"That would still mean he chose you. Not because you looked or behaved like you were told to, but because he saw you and felt connected to you."

Jinyoung smiled at him.

But Jackson’s heart still felt tight, because the reel was now showing him little Jackson and little Eugene running around the yard, saving galaxies and joking around.

He missed it so much he couldn’t breathe.

"How many adventure companions can a person have ?" he wondered out loud again

Jinyoung hummed but didn’t take long to think of his answer.

"As many as there are adventures to go on, I guess."

Jackson looked straight into his eyes.

Jinyoung held his gaze.

"Should we go on an adventure ?"

Jinyoung’s eyes widened.

"You and I ?" his voice sounded so small and surprised that Jackson’s heart almost broke

"Yeah." Jackson grinned. "It’s been an eventful ride so far, wanna see how many twists and turns we can still beat on the way ?"

Jinyoung beamed at him, but there was still a little shaky gleam in his eyes.

"What if it has a bad ending ?"

Jackson’s grin grew impossibly wider and he held out his fingers towards his friend.

"Rocky paths are the ones that make you a better climber." he promised

Jinyoung’s face lit up. He looked like the brightest star in the sky. The flame flickered, like a beacon in the night after the longest journey through stormy seas.

"Then I guess we’re in for the adventure of our lifetime." he said and linked their fingers together

So, Jackson had now handled how to not drop out of university right away, even though it would devour every moment of rest from fencing he would be allowed in Beijing.

Now he had to plan out the actual transfer, and the only thing left on his schedule would be to film the choreography submission for the dance contest they had been practicing for in the last month.

"Where will you stay ?" Jinyoung asked while they waited in front of Building C before their first class of the day

"The training centre will probably have dorms." Jackson shrugged. "If my coach let me talk to the people in charge of the team, I would be going ten times faster at this rate."

"You could probably be your own coach too."

Jackson smiled.

"Wouldn’t that be helpful…"

Jinyoung patted his shoulder with a sad pout.

They had spoken the whole evening on the phone after their heart-to-heart on the basketball court floor, and Jackson had discovered his hypothesis was correct. The two of them had a way of understanding each other that he had never observed in his life before.

Was that what Bambam was referring to when he said Yugyeom was ‘ _the first person I ever met who has the same brain as me_ ’ ?

Jackson understood what Jinyoung’s fears where. His feeling of inadequacy, of never being as good as other people at the things he liked. Jinyoung understood Jackson’s drive, his fire as he called it. Jackson had even managed to convince him that his own fire had been there the whole time.

" _Did you choose this major because you didn’t want to leave JB ?"_ he had asked at one point

" _No. I met JB because we both had a passion for music that no one understood. I chose the industry before I knew him_."

" _Then you’re ambitious. And you went to the end of it even though there was no one around you to support you. You’ve been strong this whole time. Why should you keep looking at other people’s fire if you’ve been driven this whole time ?"_

And Jinyoung had finally heard him out.

" _I guess you make me get out of my own head_."

" _That’s cause we’re both fire. What you see in me, you should look for in yourself too."_

" _And vice-versa ?"_

" _Of course, you make me get out of my own head too_."

Jackson didn’t know if there was a word for it… but he had never met anyone he felt connected to just by looking in their eyes. As soon as he had been so close to see behind the flame, he had discovered a world he had never dreamed of.

A world where Jackson wasn’t alone. Where he wasn’t abnormal. Where he wasn’t a stranger everywhere he went. Where his language didn’t matter, because the only currency was emotion.

They came from a different country, they spoke a different language, they had a different family background… and yet their emotions were in tune.

_He’s like… the first person I ever met who has the same brain as me. And we didn’t even share a language to begin with, so that’s saying something._

Yeah. Bambam was right.

There were different types of special.

Jinyoung already had a best friend. But Jackson and him were adventure companions.

Despite the fact that Jackson’s adventure was about to take him very far away from this friend he felt so connected to.

"Is this a truce or a peace agreement ?" Youngjae joked when he joined the two of them

For anyone who had seen them send each other icy glares, they surely made for a surprising sight, Jinyoung holding Jackson’s shoulders under his arm and Jackson leaning against his taller friend.

"An adventure." Jinyoung replied with a smile

He bumped his head against Jackson’s. Youngjae stared at them.

"I won’t ask questions." he said. "But you’ll have to make me understand."

Jaebeom joined them too at that moment, and Youngjae pointed at Jinyoung, who was holding Jackson as if he was worried that he’d run away forever as soon as people didn’t look.

"They’re being weird." Youngjae whined

Jaebeom’s eyes widened a bit.

"I can see that."

But even if the training centre in Beijing had a dorm, Jackson had not been around the city on his own in his life. He vaguely remembered some areas but the city was too big to say for sure that the training centre would be anywhere close to places he was familiar with in the past.

He needed the help of someone who knew the city well, as an adult, who could guide him through the important parts like how to move around on his own with public transportation, where to get some essential supplies, where to find certain shops or certain buildings he might need to get in… How to adapt quickly to his new home.

And there was only one person he knew, who could help him with that.

Liu Fei, obviously.

After dance practice, he ran after her and asked if they could talk.

‘’Sure.’’ she answered, and invited him to her dorm, since it was raining again

"To Beijing ?" Fei repeated after they finally sat down on her couch and Jackson told her the whole story. "So you’re moving there permanently ?"

"As permanent as things can be in this world." Jackson shrugged

Her gaze seemed to get lost in the void, as if she needed a second to process the information.

"The last time I had to navigate the city, I was a kid." Jackson explained. "I wanted to ask your help to make it a bit less scary…"

Fei looked up at him and gave him a sad smile.

"You don’t know anyone there ?" she guessed

A short laugh slipped through Jackson’s lips.

"Is your brother still there ?"

"Yes."

"And Liwei ?"

"Yes."

"Then technically, I know… _four_ people there. None of them are friends though."

Fei breathed in slowly.

That gleam he had seen so many times in her eyes was back. He still couldn’t put a name on it, but if he was going to leave, maybe he could fit that piece in the puzzle too.

"This is going to sound like the worst idea you’ve ever heard…" she sighed. "Please hear me out ?"

Jackson took a deep breath, preparing the words to tell her he had closed the door on Eugene, he wasn’t sure he wanted her brother back in his life.

"I can call Liwei." she cut through his thoughts. "He can probably meet you there to help you out with transportation, how the city works, where to find the places you need and everything."

Jackson froze and stared at her.

"Liwei ?" he repeated, measuring his words. " _Chang_ Liwei ?"

Fei fell back against the backrest of the couch.

"So… I mentioned that my brother and Liwei kept in touch after we all parted ways, right ?"

"Yeah. And that they had arguments."

Jackson still couldn’t see where she was coming from, especially since she had been a firsthand witness to what happened between him and Liwei.

"Yes." she nodded. "I also have arguments with my brother and usually I have Liwei on my side as well."

Jackson’s memory flashed back to the day he had run after her to apologise for their argument, and her phone screen had been filled with notifications from _Chang Liwei_ that she had missed while she was at dance practice.

He felt a cold calmness fall over his shoulders.

So that was why. Liwei was her friend too.

What was it about the guy that made everyone choose him ?

"I know it’s hard to believe this." she said, looking back at Jackson’s face. "Can I tell you what happened after you left ?"

Jackson tensed up.

Did he want to know ?

Beijing was a thing of his past. But it was coming back to him, he had to move back there as if the wheels of irony had decided that was his punishment for running away from it.

Would it change anything if he returned there with that knowledge ?

Could he make it a new chapter ?

He nodded, slowly, as if the gesture was a fateful one.

Fei breathed in before launching into her story, looking at the wall in front of them as if it was a screen.

"Liwei’s behaviour started getting a lot of attention from the other parents and everyone started saying it reflected badly on his own parents and their education. And since his father had just been chosen for a pretty big position in the city’s administration, in the education department, you can imagine how that could be a problem."

"Yeah, that’s not a good look." Jackson chuckled with no real amusement

"So his parents decided to find someone to sort of put him back on the right track, a professional he could talk to and who could figure out what went wrong."

Jackson nodded.

He remembered Liwei as this small, angry child, with quick reactions and a mighty kick. Even independently of what he done to Jackson specifically, it made sense for him to need someone he could express himself to in a less physically violent way.

"It’s probably hard to believe…" Fei continued, a small smile growing on her lips as her eyes filled with something softer. "But he really started reflecting after a couple of years, especially when he started high school, about the issues he had with his older brother, his relationship with his parents and his friends, and the things he has done. That’s part of why he argues so much with Eugene sometimes and why they’re not as close anymore, because he wishes my brother would reflect on these things too but my brother doesn’t want to."

Jackson felt his shoulders grow tenser.

Somehow the mental image he had of that little angry kid did not match the words he was hearing, he couldn’t make the puzzle pieces fit.

"When I went back home during the break, I talked about you with him." Fei’s words made Jackson’s head snap up abruptly — _what_ ? "Liwei, I mean. He said that…"

She bit her lip.

"That if he ever gets the chance and if you’d be willing to, he would want to talk to you."

Jackson’s eyes widened and he almost choked on the air that came into his lungs.

"To me ?" he scoffed. "Why ? To say he’s sorry ? We were seven."

Fei looked into his eyes, her gaze pleading and disillusioned.

"Jackson… you keep saying we were seven and that you should move on already, but I don’t think you realise. It doesn’t matter if we were children, that’s where everything started. For you, for me, for Liwei, for my brother, all the same. And if we run away from it we keep making the same mistakes over and over again without understanding why."

Jackson’s arm moved up, wrapping around his upper body as he looked away from her.

The trap.

He was trapped.

From the beginning, it had been right here.

The ghost of the past was the only tricky door.

Fei sighed.

"When I asked you why you though Liwei went after you… you said it was because you were an easy target."

Jackson was so tense now that he felt like his spine could snap in half any second.

"Jackson… Liwei went after you because his best friend liked the same things you did. Because you and Eugene wanted to play the same games that he didn’t understand. He felt left out. He was scared that Eugene would like you more. He didn’t want to lose his best friend, so he tried to take out the competition."

_I think you’ve made a lot of people scared._

Was that true ?

The pieces were still not falling together, some of the clues were still missing… Jackson couldn’t wrap his head around it.

"Eugene still chose him." Jackson argued, drawing his knees up to his chest, shrinking into a ball on the couch. "It doesn’t matter what the story behind it is, it—"

"You don’t understand." Fei cut him off, climbing fully on the couch and sitting on her knees to face him completely. "It means it was never about something that was wrong with who you were. Not because you were the new kid or the kid from Hong Kong. It was because despite all the things that should been an advantage for him, you still had more chances to win. You had a power no one else had, so they had to bring you down."

_Unless… you have superpowers ?_

Jackson’s gaze met Fei’s strong, unwavering one. The one he was most familiar with from her.

"And you let them take that power away from you."

Jackson shuddered.

He looked away, holding himself tighter. But Fei put her hand on his shoulder, she wasn’t done.

"You believed them. You bought that the problem was you, that there was a bar you had to reach to _earn_ a spot by their side."

Jackson’s eyes were burning.

His chest was tight, and his breathing was starting to feel uneven.

"Jackson. There is no bar."

Jackson took his face into his hands. He didn’t want to hear it, he should never have walked through the door, he had jumped straight into the trap life had laid out so patiently for him.

Fei rubbed his shoulder, as a reassuring gesture. Jackson wanted to block her out, but the warmth of her touch shot through his blood and shattered the resolve he had built up.

"Consider this" she continued softly. "Instead of beating yourself up trying to find what’s the problem with you that explains why you didn’t deserve my brother’s friendship, why don’t you examine the possibility that you’re not the one who did something wrong ?"

Jackson shook his head frenetically.

The pieces were still not fitting.

There was something wrong.

That was not the answer.

"Scratch that." Fei shook her head in a similar way as Jackson but with the near opposite meaning. "It’s not a possibility. It’s a fact. You did nothing wrong."

Hot tears were welling up in Jackson’s eyes.

_Don’t cry, don’t cry._

He had cried enough back in elementary school, he had to move on.

"What makes you so sure ?" he asked and his voice broke on the first word

He looked at her, resting his head on his knees. Still rubbing his shoulder, she gave him a soft smile.

"The fact that I was there, maybe ?"

Jackson wiped the tears from his eyes —that hadn’t managed to fall thankfully— and straightened up.

"Then what ?" he grunted. "Liwei was a jerk and I shouldn’t give him any power over my feelings, is that it ?"

He had heard that pep talk before, it was nothing new.

"No." Fei said. "Not Liwei."

Jackson frowned. She gave him a pointed look.

"Eugene."

Oh.

That was the look.

The look from the first time they met, that seemed to held in a thousand secret words she wanted to speak to him.

"Eugene… but—" Jackson stammered

"Jackson…" she sighed again. "Did you really never stop and think about it for a second ? There’s only one person in the wrong here and that’s my brother. And maybe me too, for keeping my mouth shut about it."

It felt like the puzzle was behind a veil. Jackson could make out some shapes and some colours and yet he still had in his hands the pieces that he couldn’t recognise.

"Can…" he breathed out, his entire body starting to tremble as his voice. "Can you explain it to me please ? I… I’m…"

The words died before he could get them out.

"You want the answer now ?"

Jackson froze.

_Fine. Keep running away from the answers if that’s what makes you happy._

"You finally got tired of looking for it in the mirror ? Will you listen to me for real this time ? You’re not gonna run away ? You’ll believe me over that voice in your head ?"

_Come to me yourself when you’re tired of running away_.

The tears shot back to Jackson’s eyes.

Could he break the turning of the wheels with that answer ? Could he make the pieces fall together ? Could he make it to the other side of the door ?

Could he move on ?

He took a deep breath and nodded weakly.

"No." Fei shook her head. "Give me a verbal answer ?"

Jackson bit his lips, fighting the burning in his eyes.

He wasn’t sure he could handle it.

But he was going back to Beijing, alone, away from his family and from his friends.

But the only things he wanted to leave behind were the ghosts and the wheels.

"No." he breathed out. "I’m not gonna run away. I… I want to hear it now."

He had taken the bait. Life had wanted him to learn his lesson, so now he was sitting down and listening to it. Ten years or more later.

There was a moment of pause, where all sounds felt suspended in the air, before Fei spoke again.

"You know…" she started her story and Jackson held his breath. "Eugene was never the smart one out of us. Even when he grew up, he never saw a bad deal coming even if it came roaring or blasting noise through the speakers."

She sighed, heavy, rubbing her forehead.

"He has no idea how many people he’s hurt over the years. Accidentally most of the time, but still so often. Me, for example. Or you."

Jackson bumped their shoulders together.

He had run away, but he had never considered the fact that she couldn’t do the same.

"And…" she looked up at him with sad eyes. "I didn’t want to tell you before because I thought that would be the last time you would want to see my face."

So that was what the look meant. She had so many things to talk to him about but she was scared of his reaction. It was apprehension.

Jackson patted her knee, a gesture he hoped carried through that he understood.

"Yeah." she continued. "Liwei was the one who made up mean names for you, who badmouthed you and pushed you around. But the first person he always turned to, to laugh along with him or to give him a sign of approval, a pat on the back or whatever, was my brother."

Jackson’s chest tightened and the air felt like his lungs were being filled up with a flamethrower.

"Was…" he hesitated, feeling the pace of his breathing quickening abruptly. "Was Eugene… Did he… Did he laugh ? Did he use the names too ?"

Fei nodded.

Jackson’s heart shattered there.

So not only was he never Eugene’s friend, but Eugene was never his friend either. Was that the answer ?

"If Liwei did it, Eugene did it too." Fei explained. "He bought anything he sold, without asking questions. Remember that time the teacher found out about the horrible names they gave you and threatened the whole class if the culprit didn’t confess ?"

How could Jackson forget ?

It was one of the loneliest days of his entire life.

"Yes, and you snitched on Liwei instead." he remembered

"Do you know how I knew it was him ?"

"Eugene told you ?"

"No. I saw it. Liwei was always at our house, to hang out with Eugene and some friends. One day, I heard Liwei call out weird insults and all the other boys laughing. They never let me play with them so it took a while for me to get the context. When I realised they were insulting _you_ , I expected Eugene to stop them and stand up for you, because you were his friend."

Yeah, Jackson had believed that too.

"He didn’t. I resented him many times before that, you know, he’s an idiot, but that was the first time I ever wanted to punch him. I never forgot about it, neither did Liwei for that matter. It comes up sometimes during our arguments."

She turned her face to him, with pleading eyes that made Jackson’s heart clench even tighter than it already was.

"So, please, I beg you. Don’t ever believe you were the one who did something wrong." she concluded. "Don’t put yourself below anyone. Out of the two of you, he’s the one who didn’t deserve your friendship. He’s the one who should be haunted by the fact that you called someone else your best friend."

Jackson dropped his head on his knees and took it in his hands.

_He’s the one who didn’t deserve your friendship._

How ?

This was the boy whose face had lit up when Jackson had told him they liked the same cartoons. This was his adventure companion, the captain of the ship to Jackson’s vice-captain.

Eugene was the one who had two other boys fighting over the title of his best friend.

In Jinyoung’s case, it made sense to see his championships as a threatening sign, but Jackson was still the one put in the rival position, not the friend people wanted to have. Not the number one.

That was part of why he had gone into sports, right ? To find a place where he could win competitions. Where he could be the number one.

"You’re trying to believe me but you don’t, right ?" Fei guessed, bumping their shoulders together like Jackson had done earlier. "Think about it. If you pick up the pieces, it’s gonna make perfect sense."

So Jackson closed his eyes and focused.

He pulled up the screen, switched off the lights and started the reel, but in slow-motion this time.

And suddenly, the puzzle assembled before his eyes.

The hint he had never been able to get, and that was right in front of him from the beginning, the foreshadowing he had ignored.

Yes, Liwei had run in front of him to get to class with Eugene before Jackson, but Eugene had never slowed his pace for Jackson to catch up with them. Yes, Liwei had dragged Eugene away after school before Jackson could say goodbye, but Eugene had never turned around to wave at him instead. Yes, Liwei had tried to make Jackson trip during P.E. classes, but Eugene had never offered a hand to help him up.

All the times Jackson had invited Eugene to his house to watch cartoons or play together during the weekends, Eugene had said he was unavailable.

But what did Fei say when the teacher asked who had started the awful nickname for Jackson ?

She had named Liwei, but that wasn’t the end of it. She had added : ‘ _I heard him say it when he was at our house last Saturday_.

Last Saturday…

Eugene had turned down playing with Jackson for his group of pre-elementary school friends, who spent their time being mean to Jackson.

What had Eugene said when Liwei was pushing Jackson around ? _He’s just stupid, don’t mind him_. And yet, he had never said anything to Liwei. Jackson was the one who should have ignored the abuse, and not Liwei who should have stopped it.

All the times when Jackson had wondered why Eugene stuck with someone like Liwei, if it was just loyalty for their years of friendship before Jackson came into the picture… He should have known.

It wasn’t that Jackson wasn’t Eugene’s friend.

Eugene wasn’t Jackson’s friend.

He had never been there for him. When he needed support, encouragement, a helping hand, comfort, an ally, someone, he wasn’t there. Jackson had gotten out of everything through his own resilience, his own strength, his own courage.

He had always been his own best friend.

A bad best friend, who had hit himself over the head with guilt instead of pointing the blame at the people who had failed and hurt him.

And the boy he had spent a decade regretting, wondering why he hadn’t been up to his standards, hadn’t been up to Jackson’s. He had spent more than ten years chasing after a lie. All this time he should have been chasing after himself.

He had been afraid of Mark, of Bambam, of Yugyeom, of Youngjae, of Jaebeom, of Jinyoung, even Fei, of everyone he had met in his life, because of someone who should have been afraid of _him_.

Jackson let out the heaviest breath he ever had held in.

Warm tears poured out on his cheeks as he lifted his head from his knees.

Fei saw it, she threw her arms around him and held him tight. Jackson leaned back into her embrace, letting the warmth spread to his shattered heart to soothe the pain that was making him breathless.

"I’m sorry for not telling you back then…" Fei whispered, rocking him back and forth

"Why didn’t you ?" Jackson’s voice came out like a croak through his small sobs

"I didn’t think you’d want me as your friend. I was shy and awkward and you had my brother."

"Bullshit." Jackson tried to joke but it came out weak. "I named you as my best friend that day, didn’t I ?"

Fei smiled softly.

"Yeah and I would have broken your heart once I moved away with my family."

Jackson let his body fall back, and his head rest on Fei’s shoulder. She was smaller than him, and yet he felt like he was shrinking in size as if it could somehow ease the pain if it had a smaller surface to spread onto.

"There’s no perfect scenario, is it ?" he mumbled. "My friendships are even doomed hypothetically."

"Why do you want a perfect scenario ?" Fei argued. "You were seven. You don’t lock the doors on your life at seven."

Had Jackson locked the doors ? Was that why the wheels had started turning ?

"Or at any age of your life, actually." she added. "Bad friends are great opportunities. The problem is you learned the wrong lesson."

She patted Jackson’s hair and smiled at him.

"There’s nothing wrong with you. There never was."

Those words shot right through Jackson’s core.

There was nothing wrong with him.

There never was.

It wasn’t that he didn’t earn Eugene’s friendship. It wasn’t that he could have done better, or more.

It was that he let everyone in his life take away his powers before he could even realise he had them.

He had learned four languages, two of them as fast as possible to fit into a new environment. He had friends from different places of the world, with different dreams, different interests and personalities. He was on his way to the _World Championships_ for fuck’s sake, he was one of the best fencers on the planet.

Mark was right.

Jackson did have superpowers.

He was a shooting star, that had come from a different side of the galaxy and was blazing through the sky.

He could make it.

He had made it through Liwei and Eugene, through the brainless bunch, through Jack, all these people who had been the tests life had sent to see if he would realise the power he had, if he would put himself above them. He had made it through moving to a different country, he had made it through the adversity from the national team examiners. He had beaten Gao Dahai not once but twice.

He could make it through Beijing, no matter how much it pained his heart.

Jackson wiped the tears that were flooding his face again.

He straightened up, leaving the heart of Fei’s hug but not tearing himself away from her.

"Was I… At any point back then…" he asked, the words that were still weighing heavy on his mind. "Did he really see me as his friend ? Or was it all fake ?"

Fei nodded.

"You were his friend, he liked playing with you. He liked you a lot. He was just too stupid to hold on to that. You’re not the last friendship he ruined for himself, that useless baby still hasn’t learned his lesson either."

Jackson laughed.

Yeah… he had forgotten about that. He wasn’t the only one with lessons to learn. Just because he had ended up on the ground didn’t mean there was no room for growth for his opponents, even if they had won. Perhaps, the lessons were even heavier.

Jackson had been Eugene’s friend.

He had been a good friend.

But Eugene had destroyed that.

It wasn’t Jackson who hadn’t earned it.

He breathed deeply. The air was cool, and it felt clear. Jackson’s shoulder were light, lighter than they had been in years.

The reel stopped. The screen lifted, and the lights switched back on.

The puzzle was complete.

Jackson had heard the lesson, and was now left with the homework to do for the rest of his life.

What now ?

"I’ll speak to Liwei." he blurted out before he even realised he had formulated that thought in his mind

He straightened up, and reached for his bag to grab his phone.

When he sat back down, Fei was looking at him with wide, gleaming eyes.

"Really ?" she said, grinning. "Now ?"

"Yeah." and he was surprised at how steady his voice sounded. "I need someone to help me figure out how to settle down in Beijing, especially if there’s a possibility it might my home until the next Olympics."

Fei nodded firmly.

"Alright. I’ll see if he’s free."

She showed Jackson how to get himself something to drink from the kitchen, and walked away with her phone.

The cold liquid eased some of the soreness of Jackson’s muscles. That was an intense few minutes… And now he was about to see the face of the boy who had tormented him as a child, for the first time since he had left elementary school.

Fei might be saying the truth, Liwei could have reflected and turned into a different person, but it didn’t erase any of the history he had with Jackson.

And if Jackson truly had a power that had made him feel threatened back when they were kids, then he was hellbent on making sure no one forgot ever again. Himself, above all.

"He says he’s free." Fei announced when she walked back into the kitchen. "I’ll call him."

"Wait !" Jackson called out, holding his hand out towards her phone. "Does he know I’m here ?"

She frowned.

"No, I just asked if he was free to talk."

Jackson grinned.

"Can I spook him ?" he giggled

Fei sent him a bewildered look.

"Come on…" he whined. "He pushed me around and called me names, it’s fair game to get back at him a bit."

"I suppose it is." she laughed before handing him the phone

Jackson let out a yelp of excitement.

He liked having power.

He clicked on the contact name that read Chang Liwei, and waited for the first dial, pulling up the phone camera to his face.

He had wondered what they would look like. The people he had met as a kid and then not even looked up on social media.

The call connected.

A face appeared on screen, against the background of what looked like a university campus park.

Jackson’s heart jumped in his throat.

Liwei was quite handsome, he had glasses framing his face and his hair hidden under a bright green beanie. He looked exactly the opposite of the angry kid from their elementary school years, he looked quite serious and was even smiling.

His smile dropped as soon as he saw the unfamiliar face pop up on screen instead of Fei’s.

Jackson couldn’t help but grin at that.

"Chang Liwei." he called, holding up the phone so his face would be perfectly in the light coming from the window. "Long time no see."

Liwei blinked a few times, looking around his screen as if checking the contact name.

"Where’s Fei ?" he asked, and Jackson was surprised at how low pitched his voice was —far from the screeching tantrums he used to throw, how uncanny

Jackson moved the phone to show Fei, leaning against the kitchen counter. She smiled and waved at the camera.

"She’s here."

He pulled the camera back to his face and grinned. Liwei’s eyes were so wide and lost that it made Jackson want to howl with laughter but he had to keep his composure for the effect to land.

That was part of his power, right ? He always gave a memorable performance ?

"How tall are you ?" he pretended to observe Liwei’s features on the screen. "Weren’t you pretty small back then ?"

Something flashed on Liwei’s face, and Jackson knew he had put two and two together.

Striking a pose, Jackson gave him his best smile, as if he was talking to the cameras of every sports channel on the planet.

"Jackson Wang, international fencing champion and junior member of the Chinese national team lineup for World Championships."

His heart swelled at his own words.

The shock that coloured Liwei’s face was hilarious. His ex-classmate disappeared from the screen for a second.

Fei laughed, taking the phone from Jackson’s hands for a second.

"You said you’d talk to him." she reminded Liwei. "He needs help with something. Hey. Don’t be stupid, get off the floor."

On the screen, Jackson could only see the bright white sky.

His smile was impossibly wide.

He did have power.

Even though the move to Beijing was now something Jackson could honestly believe was not the end of the world, he still had a lot of painful goodbyes to take care of.

Exactly as his parents had predicted, Jackson finally got the time frame of his transfer from Song after a few days. He did not mention anything about keeping his university studies long distance, he figured he didn’t exactly owe Song lengthy explanations, after all his coach was Hua now.

Jackson had one week to pack his things.

In a week, he would be in Beijing.

He only had a few days to wrap everything he had started in Seoul, which meant most importantly the dance team.

Thanks to Liwei —not words he ever thought he would combine together— he had a better grasp on the practical things he had to prepare for. His old schoolmate had started sending him annotated maps, public transportation grids and random tips he thought of during the day. He had offered to pick up Jackson at the airport, but that was taken care of by the training centre, so Jackson had declined and offered to meet after he was done settling in his new home.

How would that go ? He had no idea, it was mostly something he said to avoid straight up refusing without a follow up.

The conversation on the phone had been awkward, to say the least.

But Liwei had apologised, so many times in fact that Jackson’s heart had felt even lighter than it did after his conversation with Fei. He had apologised for every single thing, and offered to make it up to Jackson, by helping him every time he needed something in Beijing.

Jackson felt stronger than ever, he felt an energy in his muscles that made his shoulders relax and his chin shoot up. If only he could not deflate every time he remembered he had to say goodbye to his friends…

And his first goodbye came too fast.

The dance team.

"I hate that this is my last practice with you guys…" Jackson mumbled as he stepped in the bus behind Mark

They were meeting the rest of the team in town to film the competition video in a location chosen by Bambam and Yugyeom.

Mark looked at him behind his shoulder.

"This is the only thing I don’t get to keep…" Jackson sighed, sitting down

And to think he had been so hesitant about it when Mark had suggested starting the team in the beginning…

Mark sat down and bumped their shoulders together.

"It won’t be the same without you." he admitted, keeping his eyes on his feet. "I really don’t want to replace you."

"You have to. It will look weird with an even number."

"Yeah… But I don’t know if we can find a dancer like you."

Jackson scoffed and stared at Mark.

"I’m not that good, Mark, you can find someone who’s even better."

Mark scrunched his nose, and shook his head.

"No. I don’t think so. You’ll see why, I’ll show you on the video."

They fell into silence, Jackson didn’t insist.

After a while, Mark looked at him again, with a sad face.

"I’ll miss you."

Jackson’s heart sank.

"I’ll miss you too."

They reached their destination, sent by Bambam on the team’s group chat. It was a tiny, uphill street, with colourful shops on every side. It looked mostly empty, it was quite early in the morning. Jackson hoped they wouldn’t bother the neighbours with the music.

It was freezing.

When everyone got there, completed their warmups and Bambam had set up all the cameras, Mark called everyone to gather up.

He grabbed Jackson’s arm, pulling him close.

"Guys." he announced. "Today is not only special because we’re finally filming for our first ever competition but also because…"

He looked straight into Jackson’s eyes, and his own filled with sadness.

"But also because this is the last time Jackson will be dancing with us."

Bambam, Yugyeom and Fei were the only one’s whose faces didn’t colour with surprise. Their features did, however, turn duller.

Bambam walked the distance that separated him from Jackson, and threw an arm around his shoulders.

"That’s right, our Olympics Shooting Star Jack-Jack Wang is going to World Championships. So we have to make this video perfect, guys, okay ? This is our goodbye gift."

Jackson didn’t even refrain his face from contorting and the warm tears from pouring out down his cheeks.

He grabbed Bambam and pulled him in a tight hug. Bambam held him even tighter. Soon, Jackson heard Yugyeom make a sad noise and then felt another pair of arms wrap around him.

"I should be the one giving you guys a goodbye gift." Jackson chuckled in between two soft sobs, wiping his tears as he detached himself from his two younger friends

"Bullshit." Bambam said. "Your argument is rejected."

Jackson laughed. He turned to Yugyeom, who looked like he was about to burst into tears at any second.

Jackson’s heart broke. He reached out towards Yugyeom’s face and pinched his cheek gently.

"You better send me videos of everything you guys do, okay ? I want to tell you every day how proud I am."

Yugyeom threw himself into Jackson’s arms again.

Jackson laughed, and patted his friend’s hair.

"I’m proud no matter what, I just want more excuses to tell you."

Fei also gave him a tight hug before they started filming.

Jackson smiled at her.

"Thank you." he told her, in Mandarin while everyone got in position

He was thankful to life’s tricky spirit that it had decided to put her on his path again, and that she had an infinite amount of patience with him, to still wait for him to stop running away.

Now he just had to give his all to make his friends proud of all the progress he made since they had brought the colours back into his life.

And as the day of his takeoff neared rapidly, Jackson had a few other more goodbyes to make.

He had the opportunity to tell Youngjae when they reached Building C at the same time one morning, four days before his transfer date.

In the same place they had met for the first time.

"Are you done packing your bags ?" his friend asked with a small smile

Jackson nodded.

"Yeah I finished this morning. Mark has been helping me, I swear I have no idea what I would do without him."

Youngjae laughed.

Jackson linked their arms together, like Youngjae had done on their first meeting too.

"And what will I do without the light of my life ?" he sighed dramatically. "My precious little Choi Youngjae."

Youngjae barked out a laugh and hit Jackson’s shoulder.

"You won’t have time to miss me, I’m gonna send you my notes every day and I’ll bombard you with questions to make sure you understood the lessons correctly. I’m not gonna let you slack off and fall behind just because you’re a hotshot athlete now, hey."

Jackson grinned.

"Will you send me pictures of you with the notes ?" he teased. "Cause otherwise I’m gonna miss your smile too…"

Youngjae hit his shoulder again.

"Ow ! I’m not gonna miss this though."

Youngjae laughed again.

Jackson also found Jaebeom alone at the library, less than three days before his transfer.

He wasn’t exactly alone, at least not for long, Jackson knew Jinyoung was supposed to meet him to study. But he had decided to take the opportunity to say his goodbyes before they’d be too absorbed by their textbooks.

He pulled the chair next to Jaebeom and plopped down on it.

Jaebeom looked up from his book, with curious eyes.

"Are you gonna keep your big coat inside ?" he asked, scanning over Jackson’s outfit

"I’m not staying." Jackson explained. "It’s a bit of a running theme this week. I have to get my gear from the training centre."

Jaebeom nodded, closing his book and turning around to give Jackson his full attention.

"You tried everything ?"

Jackson sighed heavily.

"Yeah… But that’s not a victory that was meant for me."

Jaebeom smiled weakly.

"You still reason in sports terms."

"Do I ?"

"Yeah. You’re not losing. You tried your best, it’s just a different opportunity than the one you expected. Who knows… maybe it’s the best one for you, but it will only show late down the road."

Jackson hoped so.

He really hoped so.

"You never answer me by the way ?" Jaebeom hummed, with an amused smile. "Who am I in Team Rocket ?"

Jackson stilled for a second, before bursting out into laughter, not caring whether he was bothering the people around them.

"No one." he grinned. "You’re none of them."

Jaebeom frowned, looking very obviously disappointed. Jackson’s smile grew wider.

"There’s four of us, we can’t be Team Rocket." he added. "We’ll have to make our own team."

Jaebeom’s mouth fell open, and his face warmed up as he let his shoulders hit the back rest of the chair.

"Why are you so corny ?" he breathed out, looking like he was refraining from laughing

But there was no cold wind in those words, Jackson didn’t even dwell on that thought. He could read on Jaebeom’s face that he liked his answer.

_Four of us_.

Jackson looked up. Jinyoung had just entered the library.

He only had a few seconds to finish his one-on-one goodbyes with Jaebeom before Jinyoung spotted their table.

"Thank you." he blurted out, looking at his friend in the eyes. "For trusting my dream. For not shutting me down."

Jaebeom looked surprised for a second, then he patted Jackson’s shoulder.

"You’re someone who has more than one dream. I admire that in you. I hope the road clears out soon."

Jackson nodded.

He got up from the chair, waving goodbye, and walked quickly towards Jinyoung, who had his eyes on his phone.

He grabbed his friend’s wrist, startling him.

"Park Jinyoung."

Jinyoung’s gaze met his, wide and lost.

Jackson smiled at him, as warm as his heart felt.

"In case no one told you. Your dreams, they’re yours for a reason. Whatever happens, no one can tell you they’re out of your reach. That’s for you to decide."

Jinyoung’s features fell, as he seemed to realise what this was. What Jackson was doing.

"And if you’ve never had anyone who said you could achieve them." Jackson continued, holding Jinyoung’s increasingly sad gaze. "You still have your biggest supporter here."

He pointed his finger at Jinyoung’s chest.

His friend looked at the gesture, confused, grabbing Jackson’s hand as it came closer.

"It sounds lonely, but it’s not." Jackson promised. "Trust me from experience."

He took a second to take in Jinyoung’s face.

His friend looked so small and heartbroken in that instant, and Jackson hated to be the cause of it.

He held out his hand, and let it brush Jinyoung’s cheek.

"Please." he spoke again. "When I’m gone, make sure you only have kind words for yourself."

Jinyoung put his hand over Jackson’s when he tried to take it away.

"You really decided to make sure I regret wasting all these months, huh ?" Jinyoung mumbled, his voice shaky

Jackson smiled softly, and shook his head.

"No. Please don’t regret them. They’ll make the adventures you come across in the future more precious."

He pulled Jinyoung’s face close and bumped their foreheads together, then let him go.

He smiled at him, and walked away.

As he reached the door to get out of the library, he didn’t expect to hear’s Jinyoung’s voice call after him.

"Jackson Wang."

Jackson whipped around.

Jinyoung was looking at him from a few feet away, half turned in his direction.

"Is it possible to miss someone who isn’t gone yet ?"

Jackson’s heart filled with warmth.

"Why would you miss me ?" he laughed

"I’m selfish. I want to keep you."

Jackson smiled.

_I just wasn’t someone people kept_.

"I’m selfish too." he sighed heavily. "I want to stay. I want to be a national team athlete and finish my university degree. I want to see where music and dance take me. I want to have all my friends and my family by my side and make my dreams come true at the same time. I want to see the world and I want to find a place I can call home too. I wanna make up for all the wrong I did to myself and I want to only work to be happy for the rest of my life. But I can’t have everything."

There was no flame in Jinyoung’s eyes as his gaze softened.

"I feel like if there was one person in the whole world who could do it all, it’s you."

Jackson’s heart skipped a beat.

He was bathing in so much warmth that he felt like he was a hot air ballon, floating through cotton candy clouds.

"You think so ?" he beamed

"No I can demonstrate it."

Jackson laughed.

With the widest smile he had ever felt on himself, he waved at Jinyoung and walked out of the library.

He shouldn’t linger too much on goodbyes… his heart would break for real.

He had to cool down from all the warmth he was feeling, and get to the training centre to pick up his fencing gear before the weekend so he could be fully done with packing for his flight.

Jackson was almost out of the building when he heard someone running behind him.

"Jackson !"

He turned around, ready to roll his eyes at Jinyoung.

"Are you always going to stop me from—"

He was hit full force by Jinyoung’s body crashing against his, wrapping his arms around his neck and hugging him tightly.

Jackson was stunned for a second, and then the warmth washed over him like a rogue wave.

Jackson held Jinyoung tighter against him, closing his eyes and burying his face into his shoulder.

It was comfortable.

It was warm.

It felt like hope.

Hope that Jackson deserved every degree of that warmth.

"I wish you could have found your miracle." Jinyoung said, softly, into Jackson’s jacket

_I don’t see any ray of hope right now. I need a miracle or else I’ll just have to surrender_.

"It’s okay." Jackson hummed, not opening his eyes. "We should never rely on miracles."

And Jackson wasn’t surrendering. He had fought as much as he could. He was just no match for this adversary.

"Well, they happen sometimes, don’t they ?" Jinyoung seemed to reflect out loud, his voice sounding like it was walking the line between wonder and heartbreak. "Otherwise people wouldn’t come into your life, like the stars aligned and decided to send you a gift."

Jackson scoffed and detached himself from his friend.

"Are you going to say something corning like I’m—"

Jackson froze.

"Oh my god, Park Jinyoung !"

_Like the stars aligned and decided to send you a gift._

Jinyoung blinked and frowned, looking utterly confused.

"What ? What’s wrong ?"

Jackson grabbed Jinyoung’s head with both hands and smacked a loud kiss on his cheek.

"Park Jinyoung, you are my miracle."

Jinyoung’s face turned bright red, but Jackson didn’t dwell on it, as he opened his backpack and scrambled around frenetically to find his phone.

"Sheng Xiaoshuai." he blurted out, finally founding what he was looking for

Jinyoung’s eyes widened.

"Who ?"

Ah yes. He hadn’t been there when Jackson had found out how he made the national team.

But explanations would have to wait, the clock was ticking dangerously fast. His transfer was in three days.

He pulled up his father’s contact sheet and pressed _call_.

He took a deep, shaky breath as he waited for the call to connect.

He wrapped his hand on the back of Jinyoung’s neck, as if the warmth of his friend could hold him steady.

It did make Jinyoung’s face redden again but the call connected before Jackson had time to think anything of it.

"Jackson, I’m at lunch with my team, what is going on ?" his father sounded alarmed —Jackson supposed it was normal, he usually called in the evening when it wasn’t for emergencies but this was an emergency

"Please, I beg you." he cried out. "Tell me you have Sheng Xiaoshuai’s number. _Pleasepleasepleaseplease_."

"I probably do… do you need it ? What for ?"

His father sounded confused, but Jackson had no time to explain to him too.

"It’s my last hope, please, Dad."

There was a beat of silence before his father spoke again.

"I’ll send it to you in a minute."

Jackson nearly let out a victory scream.

"Thank you. A thousand times."

The call disconnected.

Jackson’s heart was beating so strongly against his chest that it was making him breathless and dizzy.

"What’s happening ?" Jinyoung asked when Jackson detached his hand from him

Jackson looked at him straight in the eyes and flashed him a beaming smile.

"If this works… Please, always be selfish. For the rest of your life."

It took only a few more instants, before Jackson’s phone buzzed.

His heart jumped in his throat.

His father had sent him the number.

Jackson took a deep, shaky breath.

"I’m gonna call now." he said out loud, as if to encourage himself

"I’ll go get Mark." Jinyoung announced

Jackson grabbed his wrist before he could run out.

"No."

Jinyoung’s eyes widened.

"Or you other friend, the girl ? Fei ?"

Jackson shook his head, without letting go of his arm.

"No. Stay here."

"But I don’t understand Mandarin, what if you need help ? I’ll be useless, I—"

"I don’t need someone to save me. I want you here."

He let go of Jinyoung’s wrist to hold his hand instead, and the warmth seeped along his skin, spreading to the rest of his body.

"You give me hope."

Jinyoung stilled, staring at Jackson’s face for a while before nodding and squeezing their hands together tighter.

Jackson closed his eyes for a second, and breathed in slowly.

He could do this.

His chances were slim but he couldn’t pass on them. He had to at least try one last time.

He pressed on the number.

As the beeps started ringing in his ears, and he kept breathing slowly, he calculated mentally what time it could be in Beijing. Hopefully he wouldn’t catch Sheng at a time when—

"Hello ?"

Jackson jumped.

Jinyoung came closer, and the stronger warmth made Jackson’s muscle relax.

"Hello, Mr Sheng ?" Jackson said, trying to keep his voice as steady as possible. "I hope I’m not disturbing you at this hour. I’m Jackson Wang."

There was a second of silence on the other line.

"Jackson Wang !" Sheng Xiaoshuai exclaimed. "Of course, _shooting star_ Jackson Wang. I was not expecting to hear from you, only old or retired fencers called me since I retired. I even heard from your father, I asked him how you were doing."

His voice sounded quite friendly on first impression. Jackson had seen him a lot on television, he was talking to one of the best fencers of the last decade, his fingers were starting to shake.

"I’m very sorry, Sir, I hope I’m not interrupting your rest."

"Ah ! Don’t worry ! My knee might have cut my career short but I don’t need to stay in bed all day." his senior laughed. "I’m helping my son choose his university for next year, he has no idea what he wants to do."

A soft smile spread over Jackson’s lips, as he stared at Jinyoung, who sent him a confused look.

"Well, I can recommend one in Seoul…" he sighed

"Seoul… I haven’t been in a few years, what a city. But he can’t speak a word of Korean, he wants to choose one where he can stay close to his friends."

Jackson nodded, without breaking eye contact with Jinyoung, who looked like he had no idea what was going on.

"I get that." Jackson said

There was some noise on the other line, like people talking.

Jackson took a deep breath.

It was now or never.

"Sir…" he called out, as Sheng wasn’t speaking up again. "In your press conference, you said… Are you considering coaching ?"

The older fencer gave a short, full laugh.

"Isn’t that the fate of anyone after they retire ?" his tone didn’t sound as jaded as Jackson would have thought. "You either become a coach, a television commentator, or you take your money and disappear. We’ve been fencing our whole lives, what else are we even good at ?"

Jackson bit his lip.

"Sir…"

Jinyoung seemed to read the nervousness in his eyes because he held his hand tighter and brought it to his own chest.

Jackson smiled at him.

"I need a coach for World Championships."

There was a moment of silence that made Jackson stop breathing.

"You ? Aren’t you Chulwoo’s kid ?"

"I was. But the federation doesn’t approve of him training me _and_ a a fencer from the Korean team at the same time."

"Which makes sense, but don’t they transfer you to someone ?"

"Yes, to Coach Hua but… you see…"

Jackson had to shake his head to push away the thought that it was childish of him to even ask something like this.

"If I move to Beijing…"

Jinyoung probably guessed he was struggling, so he let go of their hands and wrapped his arm around Jackson’s shoulders, pulling him close. Jackson held on to the fabric of his jacket as if it would prevent him from falling.

"I’m leaving everything behind." he finally managed to say. "My happy places, my friends, my family and… I’m scared it might break the spell. I’ve never been as good as I’ve been since I met them."

Sheng Xiaoshuai sighed on the other line, heavy but not hostile.

"You realise you can’t depend on anyone but yourself for your performance ? That’s a dangerous road to walk on."

"I realise, Sir, I just…"

Jackson let his head drop on Jinyoung’s shoulder for a second, before he straightened up with a bolt.

"In Beijing, all I’ll have is fencing." he pleaded. "No family, no classes, no friends, no dance team, no projects, just _fencingfencingfencing_ and… I understand it’s the way it should be, Coach Song said so too. But I just…"

His words just fizzled out.

There was no chance, was there ?

This was hopeless.

Song was right, he didn’t have any arguments that would ever sound valid, they were just emotional.

"You’re on your way to become one of the stars of sports." Sheng replied, and his voice sounded sorry, not at all cold. "Isn’t it a bit selfish to ask me to come to Seoul just so you can stay with your friends ?"

"It is." Jackson said without missing a beat. "It entirely is. But if it’s my last chance to fight for it, I gotta take it, don’t you think ?"

Sheng sighed again, and Jackson felt his heart at least warm up a bit as he noticed he sounded like he had some degree of compassion for him. He wasn’t used to it, with Song, or his previous coach, or even Yong Yaojun. At least his last adversary in this fight would be a merciful one.

"Jackson… I have a family. My son is about to go to university."

Jackson locked eyes with Jinyoung for a second, as if looking for a beacon, one last tiny gleam of hope. And as their gazes met, fire rumbled and washed over Jackson’s heart.

His body started moving on his own.

He left Jinyoung’s embrace and started pacing around, gesturing strongly although Sheng couldn’t see him.

"Which means he’s about a year younger than me." he argued, his tone walking the fine line between fiery and pleading. "And he doesn’t know what he wants to do, just as much as I don’t want to lock the doors of my life at this age. My father spent his life fencing, now all he has is me, my mom, and his team. He had a good career but others had a better one, that’s what he says. What if I have that ingredient for a better one ?"

It felt like the dam had broken and all the words came pouring out, crashing and blowing away everything in their wake. If this was his last hope, he had to go out with a bang.

_You’re someone who has more than one dream. I admire that in you._

"I love fencing." he continued, sounding more assured with every word. "And I want to be an Olympic medalist. But once I reach that, what am I left with ? Rinse and repeat until I get old and become a coach, or a TV commentator or run away with my money ?"

He didn’t mean to use Sheng’s words against him, but it was a question that he had always resisted allowing to the surface of his mind, he always pushed it away with all his might.

Once he won that Olympic medal he was striving for, what would be left for him to achieve ? What would stay with him ? Who would he want to celebrate with ? What would he have built ?

The next Olympics were in less than four years.

Jackson would still be only in his early twenties.

What then ?

If he won, if he made his dream come true, did the road just slope down from that point ? Would he have reached a peak and then just allowed himself to fit in an endless cycle to keep his titles until he became a revered but irrelevant name ?

He looked up at Jinyoung, who was looking at him from a few feet away, with worry shining through his eyes.

"Sir, why should we only go on one adventure ?" Jackson carried on. "Why should we only open one door ? Why can’t I have more than one drive ? What if that makes a difference ?"

_Unless… you have superpowers ?_

Jackson felt like his entire body was a ball of fire shooting up to the sky.

He would soon crash right back down, he knew.

"So you want to be a fencer and what ?" Sheng retorted, and Jackson was surprised to still find no blizzard there —did he become immune to it ? "A dancer ?"

"Yeah."

_I feel like if there was one person in the whole world who could do it all, it’s you._

"And I want to do music if I like it, and who knows ? Modelling, philanthropy, teaching, research initiatives, write a book or act in a movie, walk on the moon, go into public service? I mean… There’s a world of things to discover out there, there’s a world of lessons to learn, why should I sacrifice my life just to one, even something I love with all my heart ? I can have more than one love in my life, they can all be special for their own reasons. Why should I choose one and push away all the others ?"

_You’re special to me because it’s you. Please, don’t get lost chasing a number one._

"And I might be overstepping my boundaries." Jackson concluded, out of breath. "But I believe your son might think the same way."

There was a moment of silence, and Jackson held on to Jinyoung’s gaze to prevent his knees from failing him.

"Jackson Wang…" Xiaoshuai chuckled softly. "You sure have a fire your father didn’t have. He’s been in the field longer than me and yet he’s never given a speech about it."

There it was again, that word.

Fire.

_Some people just have fire in their eyes. They have a goal, they have a reason to be where they are, they’re ready to face anything to get to the place they set for themselves. They draw in everyone around them like moths and there’s no way to fight back_.

"I’m sorry if it came out rude." Jackson breathed out, suddenly feeling his cheeks flame up as he rewound the string of words that had just poured out of his mouth

"It’s alright, you’re passionate, and I did say you were the one kid I wanted to keep an eye on. I understand why you came to me when you only have one card left to play."

Jackson nodded.

His last card.

"Jackson…" Xiaoshuai sighed, so heavy that he almost sounded heartbroken for him. "I cant… I…."

Jackson bit his lip.

He knew it.

He should have expected it.

"I understand, Sir." he said, letting his head hang low. "It was worth a try. I should not rely on miracles, I know. You’ve been kind enough not to hang up in my face."

"I would never do something like that, come on."

The warmth and friendliness in his voice made everything somehow worse. It was so different from anything Jackson was used to from the people he had met through fencing.

Jackson found himself really, really, _really_ wishing he could have Sheng Xiaoshuai as a coach.

"Jackson, I truly believe you can be the next Olympic gold medalist, I do."

Jackson held his breath.

_In case no one told you. Your dreams, they’re yours for a reason_.

"I also believe you can do all the other things you said you wanted to do. If you give them the same passion you put in that speech or even the same energy you gave to the Beijing selection game…"

Jackson laughed.

"Yeah, I owe that one to my friend Mark…" he confessed. "He told me to play like I’m the only shooting star Jackson Wang on the market."

He sighed, already feeling his heart aching again at the memory.

"And to make history if I have to."

There was a sudden, deafening silence on the other line.

Jackson frowned.

He took the phone away from his ear for a second, to check if the call had disconnected, but it hadn’t.

"Let me call you back." Sheng blurted out, sounding strangely agitated

"It’s fine, Sir, you’ve been too kind already, I can’t thank you enough."

The call disconnected.

Jackson allowed his shoulders to fall and tears to fill his eyes. There was no façade to put up anymore, no one to hide from.

"Did it work ?" Jinyoung asked, but his voice sounded like he already suspected what the answer would be

"No." Jackson shook his head, that felt heavy on his shoulders

Jinyoung did not waste a second.

He ran to Jackson and wrapped him in a tight, warm hug. Jackson fell against him comfortably, without hesitation, allowing himself to feel defeated.

At least he had tried.

"I’m so sorry…" Jinyoung mumbled as he buried his face in Jackson’s shoulder. "I didn’t want to give you false hopes."

Jackson smiled, at lifted his hand to let it rest on the back of Jinyoung’s head, patting it softly.

"You didn’t." he promised. "I made them up on my own."

It was true.

Jackson’s brain had been the one to whisper Sheng Xiaoshuai’s name when Jinyoung talked about moments when _the stars aligned and decided to send you a gift_.

Jackson had been reminded of that hopeless feeling of waiting to hear that he had been cast out of the team, until Yugyeom pulled out the article about Sheng’s retirement, where they asked him if he would ever consider coaching, since there were so many young hopeful fencers.

"Still…" Jinyoung muttered. "That means I’m not your miracle after all."

It took Jackson a second to process those words. He beamed, pulling away to take Jinyoung’s face into his hands.

"You’re still my miracle. You showed me I have superpowers I didn’t know about. That there is so much I can do that I couldn’t see before."

_I feel like if there was one person in the whole world who could do it all, it’s you._

"You make me believe in happy endings." he added, nudging his friend with a bump of their heads

Jinyoung’s eyes looked like nothing Jackson had seen directed his way in his whole life. They shined with a fondness laced with heartbreak, like grief and warmth could be one and the same.

The only thing Jackson could see in eyes like that was his own smiling reflection.

"And if someone like you" he continued, putting their foreheads together. "Who has no reason to like someone like me after what you’ve been through, can look at me with those eyes… Then there must be something about me that’s worth the journey."

Jinyoung broke into the fullest, brightest, warmest smile that Jackson had seen in his life.

"And that smile too." he laughed softly, stroking his friend’s cheek briefly

Jinyoung shook his head, and let his head fall on Jackson’s shoulder.

"It shouldn’t be like this." he whined

Jackson started swaying their bodies side to side, as if he could soothe the ache in their hearts that way.

"Like what ?"

"This fast. This short."

He straightened up, looking straight into Jackson’s eyes again.

"I’ve never met anyone like you." he blurted out, quickly, with an urgent tone, as if he was running out of time. "And if someone like you, who has no reasons to like someone like me, can find it in your heart to forgive me… then maybe you were right. There must be something about me that’s worth kinder words."

Jackson’s cheeks were starting to hurt.

There was no building around them, just warm, soft clouds, shielding them from the ticking clock that was every second closer to Jackson’s departure.

"I just wish it wasn’t at the last minute." Jinyoung grunted, falling back into Jackson’s shoulder

Jackson caught him, and kept swaying their bodies slowly.

This was his last goodbye.

This was his last day on campus.

Maybe his last time seeing Jinyoung.

The fencing gear could wait a few more minutes.

"You know…" he breathed out, keeping his voice low as if the sound could chase away the clouds they were wrapped in. "Miracles always come at the last minute, right ?"

Jinyoung groaned.

"I wish I came around earlier."

"But then you wouldn’t be my miracle."

Jinyoung snorted, and his entire body felt like it melted against Jackson, he almost scrambled to catch him, thinking his friend was about to collapse on the ground.

"Do you have to say things like that ?" Jinyoung whined, pushing Jackson away then grabbing him right back. "You’re gonna leave and I might never talk to you again in person instead of text messages."

Jackson laughed, taking Jinyoung’s head and guiding it back to his shoulder so he could resume their hug.

This might be his last hug in a while…

"Shouldn’t my last words to you in person be something pretty memorable, then ?" he joked. "So I’m sure you won’t forget me at least."

"Shut up, don’t say that."

Jackson hummed.

They might not forget him.

He was not an easily forgettable person.

Right ? If Chang Liwei of all people remembered him, it meant Jackson was someone who came in and left a trail in his wake.

He could only hope the same thing would happen with people who actually liked him, unlike Liwei.

Jinyoung straightened up, looking at Jackson and giving him a sad pout.

"What should I say then so you don’t forget me ?"

Jackson smiled softly.

He was not someone who forgot anything. That was his curse and his blessing, he always paid too much attention and always let every moment loop around in his mind even a decade later.

But before he could give his answer, Jinyoung started talking again.

"Fuck you ?" Jackson did a double take at that. "I liked it better when I thought you were a bad person, at least it wouldn’t feel like I’m losing you."

Jackson’s heart clenched.

He brought his hand to Jinyoung’s cheek again.

"You have JB." he reminded him. "And Youngjae. I can lend you Mark too, you won’t be alone."

"I know. But it’s not about being alone."

Jinyoung took Jackson’s hand into his own, pulling down from his cheek to open it between them, playing with the lines on his palm.

"In a way you are my miracle too."

Jackson’s eyes widened.

Jinyoung looked up from their hands.

"You came in like whoosh and you’re out before I can make the most of our time together, and yet you’ve changed all the colours of the world…"

Jackson’s heart sank.

He didn’t think he would ever curse reciprocal feelings. He was fine with his own torment, he didn’t want to see it swimming in someone else’s eyes.

"You make me see myself in a different light, I think that’s quite miraculous. I feel like I only ever dreaded and braced for the worst before, but you make me want to hope."

Yes. It was quite miraculous.

Because Jackson had heard the words Jinyoung used on himself, the light he usually painted himself under. And if Jackson, in the lapse of a snap of his fingers, had managed to make him long for something different, something kinder, and brighter, then Jackson could really believe what Fei had told him.

He was a good person, he was a good friend.

He was worth it.

And that, he saw in Jinyoung’s eyes.

All the reasons to believe in himself.

"Jinyoung…" he whispered, linking their hands tightly again

The clock was turning. He had to go.

"You don’t believe in promises but—"

"Then don’t make one." Jinyoung cut him off. "Just tell me something that’s true for sure."

There were many things that were true for sure.

That Jackson had to go.

That he would be gone from Korea in a few days.

That he would probably not come back, at least not to stay. After all, the World Championships week was held in Seoul, but that wasn’t long enough to spend any time with his friends, in the midst of the rush of it all.

That he would miss them all like hell.

"No one asked me to stay—" he answered instead

"Because that’s selfish. No one should ask you to."

"But you did."

Jinyoung froze.

His eyes had that fearful, unsure gleam that Jackson had come to grown accustomed to, but that he had hopes he would one day, if given that chance, be able to wash away.

"You make me want to stay." he said, and that was true for sure

Jinyoung’s features contorted with grief, and he threw his arms around Jackson one more time, offering him that comfortable warmth for the last time probably. At least the last time in a long while.

"Now I know that at least I leave without regrets." he sighed in Jinyoung’s hair. "I tried everything."

Jinyoung mumbled in Jackson’s jacket, and it took him a second to make out the words properly.

"I wish you could leave without sadness too."

Yes.

Jackson would like that very much.

But, as his mother said, he had to take the best possible outcome. Even if it was still an unsatisfying one, it was the least painful journey.

Jinyoung looked up at Jackson with a soft smile.

"Is that selfish too ?"

Jackson smiled too.

"I like it when you’re selfish."

Convincing Jinyoung to let him go was a glorious endeavour. He only managed to escape his arms in time to catch a bus to the training centre after he promised to text him the details of his flight so he could organise to show up for one last goodbye.

"It’s in the middle of lessons on Monday." he had warned

"Doesn’t matter." had been his friend’s simple but clear reply

In the bus, Jackson chose a spot next to the windows, just so he could take in the view one last time. The road, the buildings, the parks, the faces, the lights. They were so familiar to him now.

_"You make it sound like you don’t know what it feels like to be homesick."_

_"I’m just trying to understand what it’s like when home is not a place."_

Was this home ?

A place you don’t want to run away from ? Or rather… a place you want to run to ? Someone you want to run to ?

Jackson was very good at running away.

For the first time, however, he wanted to stay.

He never had what he wanted. Or if he did, he didn’t get any time to make the most of it, as Jinyoung had said.

At least, he was happy that he left without any loose ends left. He had mended all the strained bonds and cleared all the misunderstandings. He could start a new page.

One that would bring him new adventures.

New people, hopefully too.

The few months he had spent in Seoul would remain as a golden memory, a time painted in bright colours he would always look back on with warm feelings. A time he would long for.

But a time he had to let go of.

"Jackson Wang !" a voice roared as soon as Jackson stepped into the training centre

Jackson’s eyes widened.

Song Chulwoo came running down the stairs, his face contorted in a scowl and his eyes full of anger.

Oh shit.

"What happened ?" Jackson asked, confused as his ex-coach strode towards him

He quickly glanced around, to see if Mark was anywhere to be seen.

"Jackson, what the hell did you do ?" Song cried out

Jackson frowned.

"I… I didn’t do anything. What happened ?"

Song gestured at him to follow.

Jackson did as he was told, following his ex-coach up the stairs.

He found a second to text a quick _song’s office now rescue please_ to Mark, hoping his friend didn’t leave his phone in the changing rooms for his practice session.

When they reached his office, Song pointed at his computer screen, where an email was pulled up.

"Explain this. When the hell did you talk to the Chinese federation ?"

Jackson probably had a wild array of questions marks dancing around his head in disorderly fashion.

"I never talked to them…" he mumbled

He approached the screen to read what the email said. It was from Yong Yaojun.

_I hope Mister Wang realises he has to give notice on such matters, and as in advance as possible. The transfer is in two days, it is very rude to change everyone’s plans so suddenly._

_I hope Mister Wang does not intend to behave like a divo now that he is part of the national team, that is not our spirit, let that be clear._

Jackson shook his head.

"But I didn’t do anything !" he protested. "I apologise but I’m not sure what for."

"Then if you didn’t talk to the federation, when the hell did you talk to Sheng Xiaoshuai ?"

Jackson froze.

Sheng Xiaoshuai.

Shit.

What happened ?

"Two hours ago ?" he grimaced

Song’s eyes widened impossibly quickly.

" _Two hours ago_?" he yelled

Jackson heard quick footsteps approaching, and suddenly Mark appeared at the door, looking just as lost as Jackson and his ex-coach.

"What’s going on ?" he asked, breathless

That was also what Jackson was trying to understand.

He looked back at the email, to see if there was a detail he had missed.

His eyes fell on the subject line.

_Confirmation for coach transfer for Jackson Wang_.

Well he had changed coaches, but that had been confirmed more than a week before.

"Jackson switched coaches without telling anyone, so now I’m the one getting yelled out by the Chinese fencing federation." Song explained to Mark, groaning

Jackson’s frown deepened.

"But I didn’t switch coaches."

He looked back at Song. His ex-coach was looking at him as if he had just spoken backwards.

Jackson looked at Mark.

His friend’s face was starting to slowly fill with a light that looked like…

Oh no.

"Did Sheng Xiaoshuai…" he guessed out loud. "Oh shit."

"You didn’t ask him to be your coach ?" Song sounded bewildered

"I did. But he told me he couldn’t move to Seoul."

Song leaned over the computer, clicking a few times before showing Jackson the screen again, where he had pulled up a different email, from slightly earlier, with the same subject line but that came from the fencing federation in general rather than Yong Yaojun alone.

Jackson came closer to read it.

_Sheng Xiaoshuai requested to take over Jackson Wang’s training, Zhao Hua agreed and volunteered to share his facility, as this would be Sheng Xiaoshuai’s first venture as a coach_.

"Wait." he frowned. "So I’m still going to Beijing, it’s just that Hua won’t be my coach."

Song pointed at him to read the next paragraph.

_At Sheng Xiaoshuai’s request, this is a temporary arrangement, as he plans to set up his training activity outside of Beijing after the World Championships in June_.

Jackson’s entire body turned to stone.

Outside of Beijing.

The whole world was outside of Beijing.

"It looks like you might have a call to make." Song sighed when Jackson looked back at him. "That’s all the answers I have."

Jackson grabbed his phone and ran out of the office, pulling Mark by the arm on the way.

"What’s going on, I’m completely lost ?" his roommate called after him as they ran to an isolated angle of the hall

"That makes two of us."

He pulled up the messages from his father with Sheng Xiaoshuai’s contact information, and clicked on the number.

The call connected a fraction of a second after Jackson brought his phone to his ear.

"Jackson !" the retired fencer cheered on the other side. "I said I’d call you back, you beat me to it."

"Sir…" Jackson chuckled softly, unable to keep his heart from beating faster at Sheng’s enthusiastic tone. "What does outside of Beijing mean ?"

His new coach laughed.

"Well. I talked to my son, about university and other things, and you were right, he agrees with you. You two would get along I think."

Jackson bit his lip, gesturing with his fist at Mark, whose face lit up suddenly.

"There’s a thing you said earlier that really struck me… You said _make history if you have to_ , right ?"

Jackson nodded although Sheng couldn’t see him.

"It’s funny, really… A lot of fencers dream of making history, so did I. Not just fencers actually, but very few actually achieve that. But I’ve never heard anyone say i _f I have to_."

Jackson’s closed fist was shaking.

"You talked about adventures too, right ? You want to go on as many adventures as you encounter, is that correct ?"

Jackson hummed, nodding again.

"Well. I don’t think I’ve ever been on an adventure. I retired because my health couldn’t carry me to championships anymore, and it took three knee surgeries to ask myself the same question you’re already asking yourself with only one title in your belt. What am I left with now ? What do I leave behind ? Is this just an endless cycle where we replace each other as soon as we pass our peak ? Is no one going to leave a mark ? To change the game ?"

Jackson held up his hand towards Mark.

"I think an adventure is exactly what I need to embark on now."

Mark gave Jackson a high five that rang through both of their bodies.

"So, if you’re okay with that, Jackson Wang, let’s make history if we have to."

"Park Jinyoung !"

Jinyoung whipped around, almost knocking himself with his umbrella.

Jackson was running towards him, under the rain. He had hopped off the bus and raced in the general direction of Jaebeom and Jinyoung’s dorm.

There was no rational reasoning behind it.

He had left his gear at his dorm and told Mark not to wait for him if he was hungry, and then he had bolted.

When he reached Jinyoung’s umbrella, he was met with his friend’s wide eyes.

"Observation." he blurted out, completely out of breath, putting a hand on Jinyoung’s shoulder. "Sheng Xiaoshuai, a retired — _and really nice_ — star fencer has decided to coach me in Beijing until the World Championships this summer, and then to organise a transfer to Seoul just in time for the start of university."

Jinyoung’s features fell. He blinked a few times, as if he wanted to check that it wasn’t the rain playing tricks on him and that Jackson was actually standing in front of him.

He even put his hand over Jackson’s.

Jackson pulled him a bit closer.

"Hypothesis : my inspirational speech skills are outstanding in every language."

Jinyoung stilled, then his face warmed up and he burst out laughing.

"Demonstration ?" he pressed on, when his laughter calmed down

Jackson beamed at him.

"This is not a promise. This is true for sure."

Jinyoung nodded, grinning at those words. He came so close that Jackson could feel his breath brush his friend’s skin as if it was his own.

"I’m coming back." he said, and his voice had never sounded more hopeful. "And I’ll come back as a World Champion."

And as he felt his body hit Jinyoung’s, as he was squeezed into an embrace that felt coming home, Jackson thought that this miracle was just the first of a long list they would encounter along the road.

After all… what is an adventure without a few phenomenal developments ?

After two days that went by in a flash, the morning of the transfer finally came.

The sun hadn’t come up yet when Bambam and Yugyeom knocked on the door of Mark and Jackson’s dorm to help them load the luggage in Song’s car.

The four of them got into the car, Mark in the front and Jackson squished between Bambam and Yugyeom, while his ex-coach drove them to the airport.

Jackson had a smile on his face.

He couldn’t see anything outside, in the dark, but he knew the turns and stops on the road too well.

"Look." Bambam said at one point, showing him his phone screen. "This is the first cut for the dance video. I still have some colour grading to do, but it looks good, right ?"

Jackson took the phone in his hands and played the video.

"Wait for the last segment." Mark hummed, with a mischievous smile. "And you’ll see why I said we can’t replace you."

"I’m happy we don’t have to after all." Yugyeom cheered

The video looked _really_ good. Bambam had managed to capture the early morning light well, giving a mysterious and fascinating look to the atmosphere that Jackson would have never suspected. The cuts were sharp, and several times Jackson let out sounds of awe and surprise at the tricks his friend had managed to pull to highlight certain parts of the dance.

"You did such a great job." he commented just as the part Mark was referring to appeared on screen

It was a part towards the end of the choreography where Jackson stood in the middle. It was an energetic part, that Jackson had rehearsed for hours and hours, until Mark had reminded him to watch out, since he needed that energy for his fencing practice too.

Jackson’s jaw dropped.

It had to be Bambam’s editing that made his moves look that sharp.

There was a shot from up close, where Jackson looked directly into the camera and played along with it, and for the first time he saw it.

His eyes.

Not hidden by the helmet or by the distortion of a mirror.

Just like Jinyoung had said.

He had fire in his eyes.

"I think we have a pretty good submission." he said, handing back the phone to Bambam

"We’re gonna make this team official in time for your return." Yugyeom promised, raising his fast

Jackson smiled at them.

"Official or not, I can’t wait to dance with you guys again."

His two friends on each side leaned on him. Jackson patted their heads.

"It’s not complete if it’s not all four of us." Yugyeom hummed. "We’re more than a team, we’re a family."

Mark glanced at them from the passenger seat, with a proud smile.

Jackson held his two friends closer.

A family.

Bambam had said the same thing.

_I don’t care about number one, or two, or whatever. You’re my friend, you’re my family, and you’re not allowed to spit on that because of a bunch of stupid kids who couldn’t handle to have a fencing champion giving them the time of day_.

He was right.

Just like Fei had said about Eugene, Jackson didn’t need to earn the friendship of his middle school friends, who left him in the rain. _They_ did.

He shouldn’t let the memory of them ruin the precious gift he had found with these three people from different corners of the world than his own.

"A family, isn’t that better than a best friend ?" Bambam asked, raising his eyebrows at Jackson

Jackson knew what he was referring to.

He nodded vigourously.

"Much, _much_ better." he grinned

Bambam shook him, happily.

"And, if you think about it…" Jackson said with a mock frown. "The issue with the concept of best friends is entirely in the name. What the hell is the definition of _best_ ? It’s too vague, that’s bad marketing."

Bambam’s face lit up in a colour that made Jackson’s heart soar. He looked proud, just like Mark on the passenger seat.

"Best at what ?" he continued as Bambam grabbed his hand tightly. "The one you’re closest to ? I’m close to all of you, in different special ways. The one you talk to the most ? The one you trust the most ? The one you love the most ? I love all of you. The one you’re most comfortable with ? Or who you look forward to see the most ?"

He looked at each of them, one by one, taking in their features even though he knew he was taking every detail of their faces, their eyes and their smiles with him to Beijing.

"Or have I been blessed by more than I ever thought I’d deserve ?"

Bambam patted his arm, leaning on his shoulder.

"You’re a lucky guy."

That he was.

Luckier than he ever believed he could be.

He had wished for one, true friend. Just one.

And he had seven.

That was a big number. A miraculous number. And a lucky number too.

Jackson was definitely lucky.

"Yeah you’re right." he breathed out. "And you were right about something else."

He smiled fondly at his friend.

"There is no number one."

Bambam cheered at those words.

It made Jackson laugh.

He locked eyes with Mark, who was watching from the front of the car. His friend gave him an approving nod.

Yeah.

Jackson was very lucky.

They reached the airport quite early, leaving plenty of time for Jackson to complete the last steps comfortably before boarding the plane.

They were heading towards luggage check-in when Jackson heard a bright, booming voice call his name.

He turned around, feeling his face light up already.

Youngjae was skipping towards him, wrapped in big, warm clothes. Behind him, Jaebeom and Jinyoung were also followed by Fei, who had asked him for his departure details too. He didn’t expect to see everyone together, but it made his heart warm up all the same.

He opened his arms to welcome Youngjae with a big hug.

"Text us as soon as you get there." Jaebeom told him, as they hugged too

Jackson responded with a salute, that made his friends laugh.

He moved behind Jaebeom to hold Fei tight too. He didn’t care about the gap where they hadn’t seen each other, he gave her the crown as his longest running friendship, because he would be damned if he gave it to Jack. She had been missing from his life for years, and yet she had always looked out for him. They had named each other, she had been by his side when he was alone, and she had waited patiently for him to be ready to give him the answers he needed to hear. No matter how long he would have run, she was always at the finish line.

"Take care of them for me." he said, in Mandarin, showing Mark, Bambam and Yugyeom with a nod of his chin. "Especially Mark."

She smiled brightly.

"I will. And you take care of yourself."

"Really ? I thought you were gonna ask me to take care of Liwei and your brother."

She laughed.

"They’re not your responsibility. You keep flying and see if they catch up with you before you come back here."

Jackson nodded.

He hugged her tightly one more time, before turning to Jinyoung.

He chuckled softly.

His friend’s face was half buried in his big scarf, that made him look smaller than he really was. Jackson could only see his eyes, and the way they shined with a myriad of emotions like a rain of shooting stars in a night sky. He looked sad and proud, ecstatic and nervous, sleepy and wide awake, all at the same time.

Jackson took Jinyoung’s cheek in his hand, pushing the scarf down to see his face better.

"Park Jinyoung." he said, with a wide, warm smile. "Keep making wishes. You’re a lucky star."

A flash of surprise crossed Jinyoung’s eyes, before his cheek started feeling too warm under Jackson’s hand.

"But make those wishes for yourself." Jackson added, with a pointed look. "I’ve already had my miracle."

Jinyoung’s gaze fell to the floor.

"But all my wishes have been selfish." he mumbled, his voice still drowsy with sleepiness

"Yeah. And look at them now."

_I wish you could leave without sadness too._

Jinyoung looked up at him, with gleaming eyes, and the flame burning bright all over again.

"Does that mean it’s okay if I’m selfish ? Or pretentious, or a coward ? I don’t have ever have to worry you won’t like me anymore ?"

Jackson smiled.

"Kinder words."

Jinyoung’s cheeks turned red.

"It’s a work in progress." he muttered

Jackson laughed.

"It’s a beautiful work."

"Jackson, you don’t have a lot of time." Song reminded him, from the entrance of the check-in line

Jinyoung’s features fell.

Jackson opened his arms, and their bodies crashed together as was starting to become a habit.

Jackson was no expert. But if he had to pick the warmest hug, the one that made all of the tension wash away from his muscles, and the worries from his mind, the one that made the future look less cloudy and the past less heavy, it was the one he was bathing in right now.

He wanted to be back already, to get to experience that feeling for the rest of his life.

"It’s only a few months.’’ he promised. ‘’I’ll be back before you know."

"That’s not possible. I’ll very much know you’re gone."

"Hey, I’m trying to be cheerful here, please don’t undermine my efforts."

Jinyoung burst out laughing, falling from the hug. Jackson beamed at him and brushed his cheek one last time.

"Wait for me ? We have a lot more adventures to go on."

Jinyoung nodded.

In a flash, he leaned over and smacked a quick kiss to Jackson’s cheek, that made Jackson’s heart sing, and made him wish to be back home even sooner.

Jackson allowed himself one last round of goodbyes and hugs, including with Song Chulwoo, and headed towards the check-in line.

And when his luggage was taken care of, he turned around one last time before crossing the gate that would take him to the part of the airport where his friends could follow him.

His heart soared.

They were all here.

His _friends_.

Mark, who had taken care of him, who had trusted him with building a team together, who had always caught him when he was free-falling towards the bedrock of the earth. Mark who had given him hope again, who had many times been louder than the voice in Jackson’s head.

Bambam, his loudest cheerleader, his fencing pupil and dancing partner. Bambam who never spared him in trying to knock sense into him, who had no limits to how far they could push together to live a life without regrets, who had inspired Jackson to stand up against the blizzard.

Yugyeom, who was always here with a touch of comfort or a kind word when Jackson felt trapped in the cold, in his own hopeless thoughts. Yugyeom who had torn through Jackson’s fear of never being chosen as anyone’s number one with his big heart and his cheeriness.

Fei, his oldest friend, his first ever true friend, silently watching over him even when they both couldn’t measure the consequences of school yard games. Fei who had been patient with him when he himself wasn’t, who had never asked for anything but for Jackson to stop punishing himself for mistakes he had never made.

Youngjae, his partner in crime, the one who brought out the parts of him he had been so afraid to submit to the unforgiving blizzard. Youngjae, who had shown Jackson he wasn’t the blackhole he believed he was, who showed him he was worth spending time with, worth being eager to see.

Jaebeom, his older brother, the one who had taught him to not be afraid of his own dreams. The one who had welcomed him, and trusted him, and offered to run with him from the things that haunted both of them. Jaebeom who worried about him even when he didn’t know any of Jackson’s secrets.

And Park Jinyoung, his miracle, his lucky star. The one who, in his own words, came too fast and too late, and yet to Jackson it felt like he came just at the right time. Right when he felt hopeless, and drowning in doubts, he had seen hostile eyes turn tender, and he had found someone he understood and who understood him with just a flicker of fire. Jinyoung who felt like coming home, who gave him hope for himself and faith in happy endings, who showed him sides of himself he had never believed in. Jinyoung who, with those eyes and that smile, made him believe he was worth loving, and that he had infinite love to give back to himself and to others.

Jinyoung, his adventure companion.

Jinyoung who was waiting for him.

Jinyoung who made him believe this was only the beginning of the greatest journey of their lives.

And as he boarded the plane to Beijing, Jackson felt it in his heart, crashing over him like a wave that shot him to the sky.

He had his friends to come home to.

And he had his best friend with him, wherever he went, however far, even if he got lost on the way sometimes. He was never alone.

And Jackson’s very own best friend, for life and to the moon and back, was the one and only Jackson Wang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .... and that's a wrap.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading up to this point, I hope you've enjoyed it and that this ending can be satisfying even if not the most conclusive, it was meant to be this way. 
> 
> Once again, I can't guarantee that I'll be back ever again with a new story to get out of my system, but in the mean time, thank you very much for all of your kind words !


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